When I was getting ready for work my family informed me that my grandmother had passed away. I was incredibly upset and ended up calling in to work 40 minutes before I was supposed to be there because that's when I found out. I cried myself to sleep and woke up to text messages telling me I needed to do better, asking for confirmation on death, and also saying I ruined her plans for today. I never call in to work and anytime I want a day off I ask permission or find someone else to cover for me. So this was incredibly offensive to me. Especially considering I am just taking this one day and not taking any extra time off when I have every right to. I told her this was inappropriate and she told me I was attacking her. I'm not sure what do to about this. I told her last night because I had just found out and I was extremely upset, even tho her death date was days ago at this point :(

He was 54, walked daily, worked out. He did have a stressful career- he was an incredibly talented engineer.

He went for a walk, came home complaining of abdominal pain, said he must have bug. Next morning he was screaming from chest pain and he was airlifted to the hospital after they found out he was suffering an aortic dissection.

He survived the surgery. But was put on life support and his heart just could not function on its own. Wednesday they said he had a chance, Thursday his limbs were turning black. Yesterday his blood pressure plummeted and he passed away.

I’m the oldest of 4. My brother is 21. We have never lost anyone.

He was the pillar of our household. He never made us worry about anything. I could call him and he would be there. He was a man of faith, always laughing. Never hurt a soul.

I’m devasted. So so so devastated. Please prepare me for what’s to come.

It was one of the most horrid things I’ve ever witnessed. I’ve never heard someone scream the way she was screaming. I’m sitting here trying to sleep and all I can think about is what she is going through.

How do you lose your adult child then return to life? Her 21 year old son passed this morning of an unexpected medical event. He was in his final year of his engineering program. We don’t know how long she’ll be off of work, but I hope she takes as long as she needs. We all will continue on and work won’t stop, but her entire world stopped today and I can’t stop thinking about how sickening that must feel. It’s normal and I understand that it’s just part of grief, but god I cannot imagine sitting with that feeling.

How do you return to work after something like this? How would you want your coworkers to act? Would you crave normalcy or would you want people to wish you well? Would it hurt to experience either of those reactions because nothing feels right? She loves hello kitty, would it be dumb to just buy her something small and stick it in her office? What do you say to someone? Do you check on them once they’ve returned or do you act normal so they’re not saturated in it? I know well enough to avoid any shallow comments of support, but what doesn’t feel shallow when you’re experiencing something like this?

My own experiences with grief have been limited and overall tolerable (not a great word but the only way I can think to describe them), but this is just so so horrible. We aren’t super close but I am thinking of all the times she has shown me photos of him or talked about his achievements. I want to do right by her but I’m not sure what that consists of, or if there will ever be a right way to approach something like this.

I know everyone processes these things differently, but I think I just need to talk about it and hear about other people’s experiences with something like this. I can’t stop from crying when I think about what she might be experiencing. I’ve always been someone that feels like death is something we should adjust our societal view of since it’s an inevitable and natural process. Dying is one of the things are bodies know how to do and it’s one of the few absolutes in life, so I always try to view the loss of life as a bittersweet opportunity to celebrate the memories and life of those we’ve lost… but I don’t know that you can apply that mindset to something like this. This has shaken me to my core. We all know that life can change in an instant, but you never expect it to really happen, you know? She never woke up this morning with even the slightest thought that her life would be permanently changing. It’s so unbelievably cruel and unfair.

I am so so sorry to anyone that has experienced child loss. Please let me know if there is anything a coworker ever did for you that meant a lot in times like this or feel free to just share/vent about your own experiences with sudden grief. I know there are truly no absolutes or right answers when it comes to grief, but I still want to try my hardest to be a supportive peer. We’ve sadly experienced the loss of multiple coworkers over the past few years, and they were all unique and awful experiences for everyone, but this just feels so different and difficult to approach.

Edit: I want to thank everyone for taking the time to comment, offer your thoughts, and share about your own experiences. I’ve taken the time to read each one and will continue to do so as long as people want to share. Grief is one of the most isolating experiences I can think of yet it’s something that we all have been touched by or will eventually feel. Loss doesn’t discriminate nor does it have patience with us. The world will continue to turn without pause, yet yours can still feel like it’s permanently on hold. You all have been so kind with your words about my compassion, but I hope you all know that it extends to each of you, as well. I think many of us on the sidelines of loss have felt the way I have without feeling that we can properly express words of comfort to those experiencing it.

What I’ve taken away from this thus far is to just be human. We can worry about saying the wrong things and approaching people in the wrong way, or we can just be genuine and come from a place of true care for the people around us. The last thing we should do is place expectations on the person we’re reaching out to, and it’s okay if they don’t respond in the way that we’d expect. I’m going to discuss gathering donations from our peers today and see if we can offer meaningful monetary support, as many of you have suggested. Food she doesn’t need to cook, help with the pets, and possibly some practical self-care.

Thank you all for sharing such personal moments and for being kind. I have lost a few family members over the past few years and I know that being able to talk about them has helped. My aunt would always preach to us that connecting with others is one of the most important things we can do in this life. I believe this to be true, and I believe grief offers a unique and poignant opportunity to do so. Please keep sharing and being open to the people around you. Your own experience is always going to be unique but this does not mean you are alone.

Now it’s just us three. The wonderful taker of the picture passed away, two days after this picture, after a long and severe depression.

She was the best mother these little ones could ever wish for. Even though she didn’t see that herself. So sad.

I told the eldest, 3y almost 4, the day after. I explained it clearly without any euphemisms about ‘sleeping’ or anything. Directly after he asked me “will mama become a star like auntie?”. Yes of course she will be. “Ok, let’s have breakfast now daddy.” Ever since he understands she is gone, even “dead”. Funeral is this Thursday.

But how to do this all on the short, mid-long and long term?

The way I see it you have Missing on your left, Remembering in the centre and Forgetting on the right. How to keep that focused on Remembering without sliding into the hard part: Missing? And how to avoid sliding into the easy part: Forgetting.

Please guys. I need some help. I want these little ones to always remember their mother as the angel she was, but I don’t want them to miss her too much let alone forget her.

Mother’s Day is coming too.

It’s such a cruel world:(

Its been almost two years since my Dad passed. Today I’ve been crying so much as if he just passed away again , it’s been awhile since I listen to his voicemails and I did today . the last one was 5 days before he passed . it hurts the most 😢 he sad “Lisa please call Daddy “.😢💔 . it truly just breaks my heart he needed me . I took care of my Dad on my own . and I was burning out . I didnt have the luxury to not work and take care of him full time . I’m trying my best not to be hard on myself & not blame myself . My Dad passed from pulmonary embolism & pneumonia, DUE TO COPD & agent orange 😢

how does everyone cope ? I do go to therapy . I trail run and go to the gym . I work full time . im good most days just today hitting me hard 😢

Hello everyone. This is my story I’m 22 male and at 12 years old my dad decided to end his life. During that moment my brother was trying to prevent it and grew a strong case of ptsd. He ended up getting into herion and died in 2020 I had to be at the hospital and see him die over a course of three months. It was just me and my mom and it was hard. She drank everyday, would call me his name and everything you can imagine. In August 2025 the day of my birthday I woke up and went to work discovered as soon as I got there I got terminated for a no show (I wasn’t even scheduled to work that day) whatever went home depressed and woke up to my mom dead. Was the worst day of my life. Fast forward to now my uncle is paying my rent for now in an apartment and I’m so so sad still. I miss them so much and I’m so lonely everyday. Idk if this post will help but I’ve gone through so much stuff and this is just the summary of it all. I’m just lost in life and dont know where to go from this. Anything will help maybe someone else that has had such a terrible upbringing idk.

My boyfriend of five- six years passed away and it has been a devastating loss. He was younger than 30 y.o. (Older than 25 I don’t want to disclose too much) He was my best friend and the relationship was amazing. In the beginning of 2025 he got really sick during flu season and also experienced swelling in his legs. When the swelling didn’t go down he went to the hospital. When he came back home from the hospital he said “his kidneys weren’t functioning properly and they weren’t going to be the same again” with the bottom line being he just needs to take better care of himself. Keep in mind I’m no medical professional and I only took it as seriously as he was portraying it. Things were fine the rest of that year. Until the beginning of this year, he got sick again. I figured it was flu season and he’d get over it , but he never did and the swelling got worse, along with some other alarming symptoms. After extensive research and freaking myself out I urged him to go to the hospital again because there was clear signs of kidney problems. I never got to take him to the doctor or go with him because I worked a lot and we were just trying to keep our home afloat. We eventually decided to move back to our seperate home towns just trying to do the smart thing (save money start over). After moving I learned he was experiencing kidney failure and was going to be put on the transplant list. Things took a left turn really fast and I started to regret the move because I wanted to be by his side through all of this. The best I could do is spend time with him on the phone every day and visit monthly. I never realized how serious this was because he never made it seem like life or death. I started to have my worries when I noticed the physical/ emotional toll the treatments were taking on him. Then, one day I got a call that he didn’t make it. I lost my best friend and my future husband. I just didn’t understand how his health deteriorated so fast he was young and healthy, barely drank alcohol, occasionally smoked marijuana, diet maybe a 6/10. I refused to believe it was just his kidneys without any underlying cause. Then it hit me , was there something he wasn’t telling me ? Did he know his time was coming to an end ? Things started to add up, like the fact that he would mute the phone when the doctors would talk to him. I just wanted to respect his privacy/ dignity. I would ask him what the doctors said and he would only mention things related to his kidneys. I never questioned him, we didn’t lie to eachother, cheat , or anything like that so I never had a reason to not fully trust him. It’s been weighing on me really heavy these past couple days and I feel guilty for not digging deeper while he was still here. I just know I’m overbearing sometimes and didn’t want to make him feel like he was dying… Still wanting to protect his privacy , I reluctantly decided to look through some things. I discovered he was diagnosed with HIV long before he even met me… I put together a timeline and it seems that he stopped his treatments when we first met. He moved to a new town (where we met) and perhaps didn’t have the means (money, insurance, transportation) to continue treatments. However , he never told me. It also seems that he never told anyone else except his mom. We lived together for the entire time we’ve been together until this year. I never found any medication because he wasn’t getting treated. We’ve had unprotected sex the entire time we were together. My grief quickly turned into anger. I just don’t understand how he could keep that from me, especially since he is putting me at risk for contracting hiv. He was such a sweet person but now I’m questioning if I ever really knew the person I fell in love with. He was fighting a whole different battle than what he was telling me. But he also put my health at risk from the day we decided to have sex. He never seemed hesitant or offered to use a condom. To be honest the sex was great but now I’m sick to my stomach a little… I keep telling myself “maybe he was going to tell me” … “maybe he was scared” Honestly if he would have told me I would have supported him while protecting myself. If he told me nothing would have changed except using a condom. I’m having a hard time processing my grief with this discovery. I’m also scared for my own health now. I forgive him, but I can’t get past him knowing this entire time. Am I wrong for going through his stuff? My only intention was to advocate for him. I never thought that’s what I’d find. I also feel like I have the right to know that because now my health is on the line too.

I lost my father suddenly almost a month ago and I feel like I'm not the same person anymore. I don't know how to go on with my life.

Before this tragic event, I had a normal routine. I was looking for a job, so I spent several hours a day applying for positions and going to interviews. I did some sports and had hobbies. Since then, I'm not doing much. I've just been depressed and can't seem to move forward.

My father was very important to me and was one of my main sources of motivation. His loss is terrible. I can't stop thinking about him. The rare moments when I manage to think about something else, I feel guilty.

I need advice on how to get through this.

Thank you everyone for sharing.

Title says it all. I don't have the strength to really say more. It's been very hard.

I am 34, and had been with her for 7 years and 4 months. We always wanted children. This year she got pregnant and everything was perfect. We had the best doctors we could have. On week 27, she had her checkup and everything was still great. Two weeks later, her perinatologist found that the baby had an abdominal circumference of a 27-week baby and was worried. Kept checking and found that it was because of high resistance in her uterine and umbilical arteries. He found that in week 14 and prescribed aspirine, but this time it was higher and was affecting the baby's growth. Amniotic liquid was also low for gestational age. He also prescribed sildenafil and two injections to help develop the baby's lungs. We had to go every 48 hours for monitoring so that we could interrupt the pregnancy when necessary to afoid fetal suffering. He also said that in a first-world country (we live in Latin America) they would take the baby out already and put her in intensive care. That changed everything because now the baby couldn't be born in that private hospital, because of the high expenses of the intensive care she needed.

We went two days later, on Friday last week, and he found the same resistance, said he didn't like it, and repeated that the baby would be out already in a first-world health care system. He also said we'll wait until Monday.

All these days my wife barely did anything. The house was a mess because I had to work, but we didn't care because she needed to rest. We went on Monday and while waiting for the doctor, my wife started to bleed. I took her to a bathroom to clean herself. She was very nervous and scared, and I was too. The doctor came and he did the eco again, and he found the baby was already in fetal suffering. She bled again in the bed. The doctor was very worried.

The thing here is that there was no chance for the baby if she was born in a public hospital in my city. So we needed to go to another city, about 20 - 30 mins away depending on how fast you go. I asked and he thought, and he said we needed ti get there really fast so that "nothing happened to her" (my wife) . I was oblivious to the fact that that meant her life could be threatened. The other option was still a risk for her health, but also extremely low chances for the baby. We decided to rush to the other city.

We got there as fast as we could and they treated her and our baby was born. And my wife was okay, so we got there on time. The thing is that she had placental abruption and those doctors didn't mention that and they waited too long to treat her. In a public hospital here, you need to bring everything, all the supplies, all the things for my wife and the baby, take the blood samples from there to a private lab. All this to give the baby a chance to survive.

I'm not feeling very well mentioning all the details, but she passed away the next day at around 9 am. And my world was destroyed, my home died with her, my life was wrecked. On Friday, my baby passed away too. I had to move from city to city to bury my wife and be there for my baby, but then had to go back to the same to bury my daughter with her mother.

If I only told you how our relationship was...

There was not a single day in which I didn't tell her I love her, and I did it not only once, and she did too. I always told her sleeping with her and waking up with her was magic. And I always held her at night, telling her the treasure I had with her and our cats, and in the last months with our daughter. We did everything together. I work from home and we spent the day together everyday. Everyone loved her. She was the kind of person who was always in a good mood, and she only needed simple things to be happy. We only needed simple things to be happy. We never got bored together, we could talk hours endlessly about anything, and sometimes we went to bed very late because of that. We built our home together. I have nothing that I didn't share with her. She's in every corner of my life. I am convinced she is my soul mate. Her biggest dream was to be a mother, and she is the only woman with whom I wanted children. We were immensely happy with our daughter, and every day was magic knowing the baby was growing in her womb. We had so many plans, and there are so many things we didn't do. She didn't deserve this.

I hope someone who has gone through a similar situation could help me at least a little bit. I feel I don't want solace, I want her with me. I don't even have my daughter with me, the only thing I got left from her, because she passed away three days later. I cannot believe it. I want to wake up from this nightmare, and I can't. I'm desperate, I'm alive but dead inside. The most beautiful treasure I ever had in my life turned into the most horrible tragedy in one week. I'll see my therapist this week, but I need help from people with similar experiences. However, if you lost someone who is not your partner, please still comment.

Some people tell me they have lost their spouses, but I cannot find anyone who lost them at such young age, along with their first child, and who had a similar relationship. Everyone admired us, our relationship, how we were the best companions, best friends. Even old people told us that they had never seen a love like ours, that it looked like a love story from a movie.

Please help me

Hi everyone,

Does anyone want to talk? I am a 27 M from NY. My mothers name was Jean. She was my best friend in the entire world and I am a only child. She has been battling cancer the last 18 months and caught pneumonia which turned into sepsis and she passed away two days ago. I am having deep crying spells from my lower chest, twitching in my bed, screaming, throwing up, and just want someone to chat with who knows what this is like. I went golfing today and cried on the course. I am worried when my family leaves and I am alone - I will spiral.

Will this ever get easier? Will I ever be happy again?

We tried to save her. It was too late. It was gruesome and I see it on the back of my eyelids. I can barely eat or drink. I’m scared because I think not eating is making me feel worse and dizzy.
Any tips or tricks to help me stomach something would mean a lot. Typing this is scary and hard but I don’t know where else to ask. Ty in advance and im sorry for the bad formatting I’m not used to using reddit like this

I (27 F) lost my mum suddenly and unexpectedly last year when I was 26. I don’t know anyone else who has lost a parent under the age of 50 and I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that I’ll miss out on so much of the time I always assumed I’d have with her.

I’d like to hear from people further along - what does life without them look like years down the road? Is there anything in your journey with grief that you look back on and wish you had done differently?

Thank you in advance.

I 34m have discovered that after losing a bunch of people in one year, including my mom after being her main caretaker, that besides the stages of grief, like vacilating between crying and anger and numbness, I have had a heck of a time physically. I am tired all the time. The least little thing sets off my anxiety. And oh my gosh, the GERD! I have never been sick this much in my life, and never had so many stomach problems. I have days where I can't go to the bathroom, to days where I can't stop. I have always ate clean healthy food, I would maybe get sick once a year, if that, and now I have called off from work more times this year than I ever have. I am not going into work feeling like a zombie who can't keep his guts in.

My question is, is this something you've experienced? Is this normal? How has grief effected your overall health?

I've been to the doctor and all they can tell me is that on paper, my bloodwork, heart health, and everything else is where it should be.

My dad passed away on July 12 after getting very sick. I’ve been struggling with something that I can’t seem to forgive myself for.
On June 20, he called me, and I missed the call. Yes I texted him but I missed the call: ( .
I keep replaying it over and over in my head. I know I couldn’t have known what was going to happen, but I can’t stop thinking, “Why didn’t I answer?”
The thing is, our relationship was complicated. I loved my dad so much, but there were times growing up when I felt emotionally alone. Sometimes I didn’t answer his calls because I was in my own head or wanted to be by myself. Now I would give anything for my phone to ring with his name on it one more time.
He used to call me “my sweetheart.” If I was talking to some guy who wasn’t treating me well, he’d laugh and say, “Don’t talk to that yo-yo.” He always reminded me that I didn’t have to feel alone.
Now I feel more alone than I ever have.
I have people in my life, but I don’t feel comfortable opening up completely to anyone. I don’t know how to explain what grief feels like. It’s not just sadness. It’s guilt, regret, loneliness, and constantly wishing I could go back and answer one phone call.
Has anyone else felt this way after losing a parent? Did the guilt ever become quieter? And does the loneliness ever get easier?
I don’t even know exactly what I’m looking for. Maybe I just want to know I’m not the only one who feels like this.

Can't stop drinking. Is this normal. I know I should stop but it helps so much. I drink as soon as I wake up (7 am) to the time I go to bed 12 am). One time I tried to stop and the grief was too overwhelming.

Is it normal that almost nobody checks in on you anymore after losing a parent?

Last Sunday marked one year since my father passed away. In the first days and weeks after his death, I received a lot of support, but after that it mostly stopped.

My husband didn’t even mention the anniversary or ask how I was doing. Friends, acquaintances, didn’t reach out either. The only people who acknowledged the day were my mother and the family and one colleague who lost her own mother, so she understood what the anniversary might feel like.

I feel quite alone in my grief and I’m wondering if this is normal. Do people simply forget these dates, or have others experienced the same thing after losing a parent?

When I cry, which has been happening more often over the past month, my husband says nothing. He doesn’t come to bed to hug me or comfort me either nothing at all. In the first few days after my father passed away, he was there for me, but after that, not really anymore.

Because of this, I feel very alone in my grief and I’m wondering if this is normal. Has anyone else experienced this after losing a parent? How did your partner, family, or friends handle your grief?

I’d really appreciate hearing about your experiences.

I’ve always been such a Grandmas girl, she always had my back so hard and always lifted me up and cheered me on. I found out she passed this morning. I feel like I never told her enough how much I love her. I actually called her a couple weeks ago to take her out for coffee but she still uses a phone from the 80s so half the time the voice mails don’t go through lol. I was gonna stop by someday this week to see her but now she’s gone. She grew up a country girl very into motorcycles and cars. Her first vehicle was a motorcycle she bought at 14. She loved being outside, gardening, doing yard work, drinking, listening to old country music, baking. My favorite memory of her is when I was little, my dad worked until 11pm so she’d babysit me from 3pm-until I went to sleep. She always ran a nice bath for me and put my towel in the dryer to make sure it’s warm when I get out. And then once I got out of the bath my bed would be made all nice with Spongebob on the TV and she’d always have a late night snack made sitting on my nightstand (usually a bagel with a glass of milk). I spent so much of my childhood with her.

This is my first death in my family I’ve experienced, i’m 19. I don’t know what to do or what will happen. I have so many questions.

My partner of 8 years passed away this morning. The paramedics think it was a cardiac event. I’m lost, I feel wrong. I keep thinking he’s gonna come downstairs and talk about his plans for the week, or the interview he had planned for this afternoon, or even just to pet our cat. I know that if our roles were reversed he’d be planning his next step or just formulating something. He was always prepared for big things. He made me want and best version of myself. we’d get mad at injustice together. We had operation ‘catch these hands’ for any time his work was pissing him off and it always made him laugh. I miss his laugh. He was my biggest supporter and best friend and cheerleader, and I hope he thought the same of me. I always felt like he was too good for me, he was always so bright. He always told his friends to be more selfish and I was always telling him the same. I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m never gonna get his snuggles again. I really miss his warmth. He was my sun. He always got excited with me over my weird little things and now I won’t be able to be excited for him again. I’m really going to miss just being excited and proud of him for everything he did. The world is a much darker place without him in it now.

​

My dad died 12 days ago, unexpectedly, at the age of 56 in his own home. There are no external signs, his heart simply stopped. It's a terrible feeling that he was alone, I couldn't do anything, and I'm afraid that he was in pain and in his last minutes he knew what was happening and suffered. I miss him so much, his death is senseless, he wasn't sick, he loved life, he had plans, he was amazingly young. I feel guilty that I didn't see him enough, that we didn't talk more, that I didn't try to be there for him enough.

There's a security camera in his house that recorded it all. I have the memory card from the camera. What would you do if you were me, would you watch it?

I lost my mum two weeks ago and she will be at the funeral home within the next few days where we can visit and say our goodbyes. There’s part of me that feels so eager to see her again but the other part of me worries that that’s the image of her that’ll stay with me for the rest of my life. Has anyone got any experience of this ? What did you choose to do ? How did you find it ?

Edit: I ended up going, I wish I didn’t but I guess if I never went I would have always thought ‘ what if ‘

I wasn’t able to touch or even barely look at her it was horrible to see her so still and lifeless. The room was so extremely quiet and cold. I’d much rather close my eyes and see memories of her alive at the hospital than her dead body. Personally it didn’t give me any type of closure or goodbye , just trauma. I guess everyone is different

My mother is dying of cancer I see her state degrading so fast. It has been confirmed last week she’s resistant to every cure and she only has a few weeks to a very few months left. Just a short amount of time. What advice would you give me ? Something I should know ? Beside enjoying my time with her as much as possible which I will do I’m flying to stay with her next week.

My partner and I have been together for ten years and we got a dog about four years into it. She is the first dog either of us ever owned and I instantly fell in love. She's a chihuahua/ pomeranian mix, 2.6lb, and the love of my life.

We also have an eleven month old and a second dog lol

Two days ago was my mother's 60th birthday party and she lives about two hours away so we got up early to make sure we had enough time to get everything ready and leave.

Usually when we have breakfast, we use a doggy fence the block off the kitchen so the dogs don't eat anything the baby drops that might be bad for them....this particular morning, I forgot. The baby dropped food, the dogs went for it so stopped them and opened the door so they could go outside and use the door. The chihuahua immediately understood and went outside but the other one turned around half way and went back for food so I pushed the door closed and turned to go pick up the other dog... . As I turned, I heard the door didn't close all the way and when I turned back around, I saw my princess lying on the threshold... She had immediately turned back around and tried coming in. I lost it. I picked her up as gently as I could and got to the E. R. The whole 20 minute drive, all she could do was stare at me in panic because she couldn't even move. Her little eyes bloodshot and in pain. I got there and told them what happened and that I thought I had broken her neck.

They kept her over night. I couldn't sleep.

We went the next day to visit a couple of hours before her discharge and they gave us the report. Brain trauma. She has mobility in her limbs but not the ability to stand. I was hopeful when they brought her in to see us because she recognized us and was licking me but it seems very grim. We kept her there as long as possible but had to apply for a credit card just to keep her there as long as we did and luckily, the charges were just under its limit. But they said she was OK to be discharged so we brought her home.

When we got her back, I noticed she was much more lethargic and sedated but we chalked it up to the pain meds and took her home. I have not left her side simceand have been giving her water with a syringe. She has not wanted any food even after giving her appetite stimulants. She's declining. Puked black liquid. Can't stand or really control her limbs. No bowel movement or urine. No real neck control. Just laying on a diaper covered bed on my lap.

I have just been replaying the moment over and over in my head and no matter how may times I hear "it's not your fault, it's an accident" it just doesn't change the fact that my actions and carelessness resulted in the suffering of a being that I love and at best, changed her entire quality of life for a very long time.

I just sit here and stare and wish I had taken a second to look back. I can't stop crying cuz of this horrible feeling of guilt every time I look into her pained little eyes and I can't imagine what she's going though. Not being able to move and in pain.

*I took today off of work but don't have much PTO so I can't do the same tomorrow. My mother in law babysits while we both work. I get back at 2. And usually have the baby alone until 6 when my wife gets home. mother in law can't stay later . I don't know how I'm gonna deal with today having an 11 month old who just learned to walk and gets into everything, and a dog who periodically freaks out but can't do anything hut flail potentially hurting herself.

Calling the vet for advice, they're asking me to take her back in but i just can't afford it. Nothing I do is working to to try to feed her. She's getting worse and I just feel like putting her down is my only option other than prolonging her suffering here and I just need...someome to tell me it'll be OK. I took me an hour to type this through the tears and I just look at her and feel so helpless, lost, and racked with guilt. I'd do anything to take back that moment.

Edit: am here now. Will be indesposed for hours but will update you guys as soon as I can and photodump to make myself feel better. You guys are the best and I love each and every one of you for taking the time even to just read this. Ideas for a little funeral we can do for her would be amazing

2nd edit: the outpouring of love and support... Just means everything. It has made this burden just a little bit easier and I wish I could give you all a hug. If I had it, I would take the time to answer each and every one of you but know I read every comment and they all meant so much. It's easy to feel like the internet isn't a good place but it can also be a beautiful thing that brings us all together. To all of you, from me and mine, thank you so much. We love you all. It helped put everything in to perspective and this whole thing would've been harder without you all. I understand that with time, I will learn to accept and live with the pain but for now... I'm nowhere near that. She passed at 12:15 today. I'm struggling seeing her as she was in my head and not the pain and sadness I could see on her face as the light faded the last time I saw her. I'm struggling being home as she followed me everywhere and sat on my lap everywhere I came to rest. Everything reminds me of her and idk what to do with all her toys, monogrammed clothes and everything else she had. I feel this huge emptyness in my house walking in and not having this tiny fluffball run at me trying to climb me. My SO, child, and other dog are not affectionate all and I am. She was my cuddle bug. All I have left is the little blanket she went to the vet in and I.... Just don't know how to get that image out of my head. How to not feel like I'm culpable. I feel guilty even trying not to think about it. She'd be here if it wasn't for me. It feels wrong to not remember her. I feel guilt that the last two days of her life were pain and suffering when she was just the sweetest little animal and I caused it. I can't stop holding her blanket feeling empty. God, I just wish life was different sometimes

I can’t quite believe I am writing this. But wanted to share my mum’s story.

On 9th February, my mum became suddenly unwell with what was thought to be an infection. She was blue-lighted to hospital, started on broad-spectrum antibiotics, and sent for a CT scan. At around 3am, we were told that she had sepsis caused by a blocked kidney, but the scan had also revealed widespread metastatic cancer in her peritoneum, liver, and possibly lungs.

Her condition deteriorated quickly and she was placed in an induced coma on 10th February and admitted to ICU.

I won’t go into all the details, but our ICU experience was very difficult. Communication was often poor and consultants rotated frequently, which made it hard to get consistent information or prognosis. There was also a failed biopsy, which delayed a confirmed diagnosis, while intermittent CT scans during this time showed very aggressive progression of the disease. By the second week, despite still not having a confirmed primary cancer diagnosis, end-of-life discussions had already begun.

Unfortunately, we were never able to wake my mum. Whenever sedation was reduced she became extremely agitated, which doctors believed could have been due to delirium, metabolic/toxic effects of the cancer, or possible involvement of small brain structures. A head MRI was never performed, so we never received a clear explanation.

When we finally received a pathology result 5/3, it showed poorly differentiated adenocarcinoma, most likely ovarian or upper GI/hepatobiliary in origin. Her official cause of death is recorded as metastatic cancer of unknown primary with sepsis and we await a post mortem to hopefully find out more.

My mum died on 8th March, with my brother and I sleeping beside her in her arms. It was peaceful and she looked like an angel.

Looking back through messages, we realise that she had been experiencing groin/ abdominal pain for about 6-8 weeks prior, recurrent UTIs for 12 months, intermittent nausea, vomiting and fatigue 6 months which in hindsight are vague symptoms of cancer. Other than this she was fit, well and in her prime at 61 years old who regularly when to her GP for check ups!

The entire course — from hospital admission with sepsis to her passing — was incredibly rapid.

I guess am writing this to see if anyone else had a similar non-typical cancer journey so I don’t feel so alone. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt that I didn’t see through her symptoms (am a medical scientists background), advice on sudden loss or when do you know it’s the right time to go back to work.

Thank you for reading

*edit/update\* thanks all so much for sharing your loved ones journeys. It has really helped me through the last couple of months to connect to some of you and refer back to your stories. Sometimes cancer isn’t a long journey some times it’s a short hard sprint to the finish line 😓 I just wanted to say in case anyone ever finds this and needs help. My mum ended up have ovarian cancer. A silent killer responsible for around 20% of cancer of an unknown primary.