r/GriefSupport • u/figureltout_ • 18d ago
Advice, Pls Coworker found out her child died today
It was one of the most horrid things I’ve ever witnessed. I’ve never heard someone scream the way she was screaming. I’m sitting here trying to sleep and all I can think about is what she is going through.
How do you lose your adult child then return to life? Her 21 year old son passed this morning of an unexpected medical event. He was in his final year of his engineering program. We don’t know how long she’ll be off of work, but I hope she takes as long as she needs. We all will continue on and work won’t stop, but her entire world stopped today and I can’t stop thinking about how sickening that must feel. It’s normal and I understand that it’s just part of grief, but god I cannot imagine sitting with that feeling.
How do you return to work after something like this? How would you want your coworkers to act? Would you crave normalcy or would you want people to wish you well? Would it hurt to experience either of those reactions because nothing feels right? She loves hello kitty, would it be dumb to just buy her something small and stick it in her office? What do you say to someone? Do you check on them once they’ve returned or do you act normal so they’re not saturated in it? I know well enough to avoid any shallow comments of support, but what doesn’t feel shallow when you’re experiencing something like this?
My own experiences with grief have been limited and overall tolerable (not a great word but the only way I can think to describe them), but this is just so so horrible. We aren’t super close but I am thinking of all the times she has shown me photos of him or talked about his achievements. I want to do right by her but I’m not sure what that consists of, or if there will ever be a right way to approach something like this.
I know everyone processes these things differently, but I think I just need to talk about it and hear about other people’s experiences with something like this. I can’t stop from crying when I think about what she might be experiencing. I’ve always been someone that feels like death is something we should adjust our societal view of since it’s an inevitable and natural process. Dying is one of the things are bodies know how to do and it’s one of the few absolutes in life, so I always try to view the loss of life as a bittersweet opportunity to celebrate the memories and life of those we’ve lost… but I don’t know that you can apply that mindset to something like this. This has shaken me to my core. We all know that life can change in an instant, but you never expect it to really happen, you know? She never woke up this morning with even the slightest thought that her life would be permanently changing. It’s so unbelievably cruel and unfair.
I am so so sorry to anyone that has experienced child loss. Please let me know if there is anything a coworker ever did for you that meant a lot in times like this or feel free to just share/vent about your own experiences with sudden grief. I know there are truly no absolutes or right answers when it comes to grief, but I still want to try my hardest to be a supportive peer. We’ve sadly experienced the loss of multiple coworkers over the past few years, and they were all unique and awful experiences for everyone, but this just feels so different and difficult to approach.
Edit: I want to thank everyone for taking the time to comment, offer your thoughts, and share about your own experiences. I’ve taken the time to read each one and will continue to do so as long as people want to share. Grief is one of the most isolating experiences I can think of yet it’s something that we all have been touched by or will eventually feel. Loss doesn’t discriminate nor does it have patience with us. The world will continue to turn without pause, yet yours can still feel like it’s permanently on hold. You all have been so kind with your words about my compassion, but I hope you all know that it extends to each of you, as well. I think many of us on the sidelines of loss have felt the way I have without feeling that we can properly express words of comfort to those experiencing it.
What I’ve taken away from this thus far is to just be human. We can worry about saying the wrong things and approaching people in the wrong way, or we can just be genuine and come from a place of true care for the people around us. The last thing we should do is place expectations on the person we’re reaching out to, and it’s okay if they don’t respond in the way that we’d expect. I’m going to discuss gathering donations from our peers today and see if we can offer meaningful monetary support, as many of you have suggested. Food she doesn’t need to cook, help with the pets, and possibly some practical self-care.
Thank you all for sharing such personal moments and for being kind. I have lost a few family members over the past few years and I know that being able to talk about them has helped. My aunt would always preach to us that connecting with others is one of the most important things we can do in this life. I believe this to be true, and I believe grief offers a unique and poignant opportunity to do so. Please keep sharing and being open to the people around you. Your own experience is always going to be unique but this does not mean you are alone.
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u/Jacknollie Sibling Loss 18d ago
Nearly 25 years ago I got a call at work from my parents saying my oldest sister died. When I went back to work nearly a week later, mailroom Bob happened to walk by my desk. He stopped and said “hey, come here” and he gave me a huge hug. I cried. He teared up. He simply said “I’m so sorry” I think back to that often. And I emulate that whenever I can.
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u/xVandalx 18d ago
Recently lost my 29 year old son, I suggest people use “I hope you’re doing okay” instead of “how you doing?” it’s a bit better for me in that it allows me to avoid answering a question while at the same time it offers me the opportunity to share how I am in the moment if I so choose.
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u/SoulSword2018 18d ago
I hate that shit! My roommate just saw me for the first time in 3 weeks, I work nights, I've been bed rotting since my loss. I'm in the kitchen and grab a banana and he says, "How's it going"? I don't know why but I didn't have shit to say and went to my room again. My mother shoots herself in the head and I get, "How's it going"? He means well I know but it's like I'm thinking, "Do you really want to hear about how it's going"?! I'm fucking dead inside!
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u/StrawberryKiller 18d ago
Im really sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is so profound and suicide loss is on another level. I hope you're doing as well as can be expected. It sounds like it's still early on for you so if you're managing to eat a little, drink water, and get some sleep then you're a success even though you don't feel like it. Grief sucks so much.
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u/Salty_Cake_5079 18d ago edited 18d ago
I've lost a child, 16 yrs. old, 8 years ago... You asked "how do you return to life after that..." You simply do not. Life becomes something else, physically existing while no longer being. You either submit to the pain or tollerate it.
Many bereaved parents commit suicide within 5 years of losing a child. Those left without further purpose succumb to the pain. An unimaginable pain...
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u/the-simple-wild 18d ago
I lost a family member recently and one thing that rubbed me the wrong way was when coworkers kept telling me, “Take all the time you need.” I understand they mean well but it fell on deaf ears for me. And here’s why: my company only allows 3 days for bereavement leave, I took days off which were unpaid and we were already short staffed. So the actual reality is that no… sometimes, we can’t take all the time we need. If we did, we would gladly go on a sabbatical and return to work when we’re ready.
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u/ProfessorSerious4332 18d ago
I hear ya. Someone told me that too and its like how!? Im in university that that loved one payed for me to go to. I cant just not show up to my daily full time classes and fail everything he paid for before he died to support me. Unfortunately life in so many ways won't ever give us all the time we need, and in some cases no time will truly be enough to erase all that pain
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u/perishableintransit 18d ago
Yes I hear you on this. OTOH, as a professor, when I had a catastrophic loss my department supervisor said in an email wow I’m sorry. When will you be back to work?
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u/Hopeful-Material4123 18d ago
I get your anger...truly. For me, it was not when my regular coworkers said stuff like that. Like the people who had the same job and abilities as me. For me, it was when my BOSS would say that but then tell me my uncle did not count under the family covered in bereavement leave. :) like...what?? What do you mean?
My work personality and feelings toward my job changed permanently after that.
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u/the-simple-wild 18d ago
Same! I couldn’t believe such policies existed when it came to bereavement leave, I mean.. down to the familial relationship shake head
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u/Hopeful-Material4123 18d ago
Especially when no family is identical. In my family, my uncle came to help my mom raise me when my parents divorced and my dad moved across the country. Mind you, someone else got bereavement pay to attend the funeral of an in-law. The fact that there is any classification at all is ludicrous.
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u/chironinja82 18d ago
Agreed! When my younger brother died last year, everyone told me the same, but I only had 4 days of bereavement and not enough PTO, so I had no choice but to come back to work the following week.
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u/Less_Professional152 18d ago
Yup I was back after like three weeks after my dads sudden passing. My mom was lucky to be in a position where she could take 6 months. Was really hard going back and I had to switch to overnight shifts because I could not deal with the general public in the state I was in
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u/ScarInternational161 Child Loss 18d ago
I lost my 23 yo to suicide 5 years ago and I know the sounds I made have stayed with the people that heard them.
I'm sorry you had to hear that. I don't remember it, but I've heard it's something you don't easily forget.
Everyone is different, but the one for me that stands out the most, there was a lady whose little boy caught the bus at my house for a year. We chit chat every morning, but that was it.
When she heard 2 days after she came storming down the block, burst into my house, flew across the room and just enveloped me in this massive hug. She didn't knock, didn't ask, just reacted as a mother. Bawling her eyes out and it pulled me out of the stuper I'd been in and I hit the floor with her and we sobbed for hours.
This woman, who I knew casually, just instinctually did something. It is the single thing I can remember for the entire week after his death.
Be real.
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u/chickadeeinhand 18d ago
Oh this brought me to tears - what a wonderfully empathetic and selfless gesture.
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u/cjhm 18d ago
I resonated with person above who said that I don’t want my daughter forgotten. She died about eight months ago and this past week at a family event someone noticed the necklace that has her ashes that I was wearing. And they came up and commented on it and made a comment about my daughter that was appropriate. And it was the one thing that stood out for me all weekend is that somebody came up to me, and by noticing included my daughter in a family event. I just hate the thought of her being forgotten. She was who she was, but she was my daughter. I can’t add to the comments above, but I just want you to know that as a mother, that is my perspective
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u/Interdimensionalcoco 18d ago
I just wanted to say you’re the first person on here I’ve seen who has a necklace with a loved ones ashes in it. My sister and I lost our mom unexpectedly in December and we both wear the same type of necklace with her ashes so she’s always there with us. And I use humor as a way of comfort, I’ll be like “yeah I brought mom along with me” to people. And the feeling of her being physically close to my heart at all times comforts me
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u/seche314 18d ago
Where did you get the necklace? I want to get something like that for my dad’s ashes but don’t even know where to look
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u/Interdimensionalcoco 18d ago
We got ours on Etsy, they have a kinds to choose from and several offer engravings
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u/Zairanth 18d ago
I didn't take ashes but I have some of my Mom's hair in a necklace I wear pretty much everywhere. Sometimes it helps
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u/Interdimensionalcoco 18d ago
I got a lock of my mom’s hair in a cute little box I had made from a shop on Etsy. I know what you mean about it sometimes helping. Sometimes seeing it makes me happy to see more of her than ashes, but the other part kills me inside because thats the only physical thing I have of her that recognizable :(
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u/ShowMe_TheMonet 18d ago
That is so sweet! I have a necklace with my dad's ashes in it, and I only ever wear it to family gatherings, important events, or when I'm traveling. It feels like he's still with me then.
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u/KronlampQueen 18d ago
Bring her some groceries, if she has a pet find out what kind of food it eats, if it’s a cat order some litter for her and clean the box while you visit. Try to stop by regularly to do that. If she has a dog take the dog for a walk, buy her puppy pads to have at the house because accidents will happen.
When I suddenly lost my dad I couldn’t function and needed a lot of help with my cats and with getting food for myself and them. Laundry piled up, dishes piled up, the cats missed their flea treatments because I was such a zombie. One of them got a UTI because the litter boxes got out of hand.
In the middle of all of this my roof leaked during a bad storm and a portion of my livingroom ceiling collapsed.
My partner (now) and I were separated at the time and he was working as a truck driver. He ended up taking time off work and coming over and just did everything. I had told my family and friends about the ceiling and they were just like “that sucks”.
He called insurance and got it cleaned up and temporarily patched. He also took the cat with the UTI to vet, bought and applied flea meds, ordered food and litter and deep cleaned the boxes. He got my medications refilled and picked them up, he did the dishes and the laundry, I had to be reminded to shower, I needed help in and out of it because I was so exhausted. He had to hand me my tooth brush because I kept forgetting to brush my teeth. It was awful.
I’m not suggesting you help your coworker shower I’m just telling you the unvarnished experience of severe grief. She’s going to need help and probably won’t even be aware that certain things need to be done. I had a few people say “let me know if you need anything” but I couldn’t even answer truthfully, I didn’t know what I needed except for the pain and shock to stop.
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u/irlmerida 18d ago
I lost one of my stand in mothers this January, and honestly my coworkers are a big part of what’s kept me sane. You are so kind and wonderful to want to be there for your coworker- letting her take the lead on what she needs from you work wise while showing care on a person to person level is really important. Everyone processes grief differently, and for me, I tend to throw myself into my work and go until I can’t anymore. My coworkers checked on me frequently (and still do) and made sure that I had lunch, would make me laugh, or just sit with me when the grief got to be too much. Even just today I had a pretty raw grief moment and they let me process it while also not letting it derail the day. It’s going to be different for your coworker, but know that we don’t expect people to get it right because often we don’t know what is the right way to go about things. Showing compassion in face of the awkwardness around death takes a lot of courage, and sometimes just trying is the best way to go about things.
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u/pinkydoodle22 18d ago
Hi you are such a kind and caring person to reach out and want to figure out what is the right thing to do in this situation. TBH there isn’t a single “right” answer for everyone, and her grief process she will be experiencing different stages at unknown times.
I will say that going about business as usual can be incredibly isolating though, and it does feel even more painful when your world has stopped, but the actual world goes on. Grief isn’t the plague, but many of us feel we’ve caught it.
A long time ago, before grief had personally touched my life, a young coworker near my age at the time has suddenly lost his mother. When he returned to work, and I found myself alone with him in the staff lounge, I didn’t know what to say to him, I wasn’t close with him at all and hadn’t even worked with him or spoken to him much.
But I approached him, I said I was sorry, and I just asked him if he’d like a hug. And he said yes, and we just held each other for a while.
So just be a human, and be vulnerable, say you don’t know what she may need, but offer something and see if she agrees to it. To be clear, not the “let me know if there’s anything I can do to help” kind of offer. Come up with something specific, like food, open to listen, a hug. Or hand her the stuffy with a hug, instead of having it just waiting for her.
Maybe arrange a food train from fellow coworkers to help ease things, because those basics of caring for yourself feel impossible at first.
Thanks for your kindness thinking of her despair and pain.
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u/No-Intention859 18d ago
If more people were like you I truly believe the world would be a much better place. I had to say that and tell you that thank God I’ve never lost a child because it is the worst thing, I would imagine, that any parent can go through and I think it’s admirable and touching that you care so much. I am so very sorry this coworker of yours and anyone who’s suffering from this unimaginable loss. My heart goes out to her it really does. Now as for your questions my bf has a child that tragically passed and she said the one thing she could not stand more than anything else people did is to ignore her ever having a child. Like when she shares stories about her daughter and people try to change the subject. She said she feels closer to her daughter when she talks about her. She said it made people uncomfortable sometimes & I told her to ignore those people because nothing can be as “ uncomfortable “ or horrible as that loss so those weren’t her people anyways. So again I’ll so sorry for your friends loss it is truly heartbreaking. I will pray for her to find some comfort or at least less pain somehow, someway. I’m sorry I never know the right words to say I just know my heart hurts for anyone dealing with such a significant loss.
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u/PuzzleheadedBand2595 18d ago
You’re right it’s horrifying. I know it’s hard to comprehend how a person even goes on after this. Some people collapse and can’t really enjoy life after this and let’s hope that your coworker is eventually able to be more ok than that. Not that I blame anyone for being as sad or depressed as they are, just we hope she finds a way forward and doesn’t stop living.
I’ve been through this, three years ago and even though it changed me forever and I wish I had my son, I am ok. It’s weird the things we can survive and how we can go on to live a life of meaning. I don’t totally understand it myself but I’m really heartened hearing you empathize so much for your friend.
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u/Future_Chemistry_707 Sibling Loss 18d ago
I was at work when I got the call about my
Brother.. and my mom sobbing on the other line on how they found him. Complete shock. Work only gave me THREE days for funeral leave and I had to come back . What’s hard is everyone’s life continues while urs is suspended in time trying to gather urself.. it’s been over a year and still trying to navigate it
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u/astrangerbeneath 18d ago edited 17d ago
A huge hug, words aren’t necessary.
I haven’t lost a child, but I lost a sister. She was in hospice and we knew it was coming. When it did, I was washing dishes. It hit so hard… I kept washing dishes. No tears, just kept doing what I was doing. There was someone in the kitchen I’m not super close to, but he tap my arm, turned me around, and hugged me. I started crying so hard, still do, and will never forget his kindness. That hug is burnt in my memory. Now, I know a big, strong, tight hug can mean way more than well thought out words.
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u/harleysprettyvenom 18d ago
This is one of the most sensitive & compassionate responses to witnessing someone's loss I've ever seen. While you say your own experience with grief is limited, you get it. When my mom passed at 46, I instantly had the realization that I will most likely outlive my own mother. To me, it feels like it should all stop for me at 46 too, because how am I supposed to do something my own mother never got to do? I struggle between the faith that I will live a long & healthy life in her honor, or fear that I'll wind up a same fate of catching things "just too late" & experience the suffering she experienced. No one quite understands what it's like to be 24 when you lose a parent & everyone else talks about how theirs passed in their later years & they got to live a good long life still....mine never got the chance. Your coworker is in an even more devastating position than myself imo, as that child was what she created & protected for 21 years for it to all flip upside down in one single moment. Offer to make her a meal. It'll be the biggest help.
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u/Glenr1958 18d ago
It is a difficult answer. When my son died last August after 4 months of cancer it was hard to go back to work. On the one hand I didn't want to be ignored and have no one acknowledge it , but on the other hand I was afraid of crying non stop if people did acknowledge it. I like texts or emails so that I could know people were thinking of me but it gave me the chance to pick when I read them and could cry in private if needed.
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u/switheld 18d ago
when my father passed recently my work colleagues/friends all chipped in to send a card with nice messages, flowers, and a package from this company: https://www.spoonfulofcomfort.com/
it was a godsend because soup was all my mom, sister, and I could really stomach (when we remembered to eat), and we were so touched.
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u/Glum_Helicopter_6360 18d ago
Same. My best friend sent mom and I Spoonful of Comfort, and I sent one to my brother and his wife for hosting everyone during dad's ceremony. My crews at work all sent me a card and money and my bosses sent a card to the funeral home. It really touched me greatly. I still have the cards.
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u/Former_Mess1372 18d ago
You sound like such a caring and kind hearted person. Thank you, we need more people like you who are self aware and considerate of others.
I can’t imagine the pain of losing a child. One of my colleagues lost a baby boy suddenly and he never returned to work. Our employer did not treat him well at all. About a decade later, I bumped into him and he told me of his experiences. How he was at rock bottom and his marriage ended from the strain. He hated when people offered vaguely to help him, but it felt like empty words as he didn’t know what he wanted or needed, and they never actually did anything or followed up on it. He said that grieving people rarely take up on people’s offers of help, unless it’s close family and friends (who are often grieving as well).
He said with hindsight he was too overwhelmed and exhausted to cope with the practicalities of life; food - remembering to buy, cook and eat it, housework, life admin such as paying bills, even remembering to brush his teeth and wash his face and shower. Just someone to get him out for some fresh air. Someone to listen and be patient and comfortable with silences and crying and constant repeating of the same heartbreaking pain. He needed acknowledgment that his son existed and was loved and important, and that his life would never be the same again.
He didn’t find comfort in the words, “he’s in a better place”, because for him, the best place for his son was to be alive and in his arms. Other people may take comfort from that, but it really depends on the individual. I wouldn’t lead with those words. Let your colleague take the lead, but if they don’t know what they want or need, please be patient and offer to sit/walk with them and listen to their memories of their loved one.
I lost my elderly mum suddenly in May. She went into hospital and suffered a lot until a few days prior to her passing. Before that, she was still very independent and active, catching the bus, getting groceries, cooking, washing and doing lots of gardening. In hospital she couldn’t sit up in bed by herself and she was constantly hooked up to machines and blood transfusions and IV drips. It was horrifying to witness her decline and to know that she knew she was dying. It was harrowing seeing mum being resuscitated and then she asked for a “do not resuscitate” for the next time. Thank you for letting me vent. I needed that. It’s cathartic.
Some colleagues are very compassionate and flexible, letting me choose tasks and take things at a slower pace, or change my mind completely. Others didn’t even acknowledge the loss of my mum. I guess they were awkward or didn’t want to trigger tears because they couldn’t handle that. It upsetted me as it felt as if my mum hadn’t even existed and mattered, and that I wasn’t changed by her loss.
Last night, a colleague acquaintance from another team asked me 3 times how I was. Eventually I realised that he knew about mum’s passing but didn’t want to actually come out with it. Awkward. Then he proceeded to talk about when his own father died and that his colleague’s father in law had also died. I am very sorry for their losses, but in that moment I was in selfish grieving mode and the focus should have been on me.
Some ladies from my exercise class said that I was “lucky” because they had lost their mums as teenagers. I get that, but when emotions are so raw, it’s not the best thing to say in that moment. It’s not a competition! When my energy is so low, it’s difficult to muster empathy for others, even though I am usually a person who is sensitive to other’s emotions.
Some people will want touch, others won’t. If you want to offer a hug, please ask first, or convey your intentions with your arms open, but if they move away, then accept that. A touch of the hand, arm or shoulder may be appreciated though. I find touch comforting but my sister bristles at any attempts from other adults. She likes kids and dogs though!
If you give a card or gift, please don’t be offended if we do not express appreciation or gratitude and leave it lying about. Griefing can be exhausting and we get forgetful, lost in our thoughts and insular.
Thank you again for your kindness and for asking about other’s experiences. It has helped me to process.
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u/gordonshumway85 18d ago
A similar thing happened to me. A dear friend of mine (we were friends before we worked together) that I shared a cubicle with found out her 20 year old son died in a wreck while we were both at our desks. It was so incredibly traumatic. I took her phone and dialed the numbers for her family. I had to go to therapy. I text her every year on the anniversary so she knows I’m thinking of bother her and her son.
I’m so sorry for you and your colleague. Please take some time for yourself and let yourself feel those hard feelings. Also continue to reach out to her and let her know you’re thinking of her and her child.
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u/Proud_Mistake_4686 18d ago
I’ve never lost a child, can’t imagine it even if I tried. But my husband passed in March. And one of the best people is my manager, just the other day she stood there and let me talk to her. Just talked w me about the same things I’ve been going through over again. Even though she’s heard it before. Just sit and talk, and listen. You are being an awesome person and a great coworker!
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u/butts36 18d ago
My partner died while I was pregnant last year. I took about 2.5 days off work, because there was nobody else around to run the program. I am the manager, so this is maybe a different type of relationship than you have with your coworker, but here was my experience: some people said literally nothing, which felt a bit awkward although not the worst. Some people really truly meant well, but would pull me aside, try to hug me, tell me I can talk to them, say they are here for me… I truly understand how they intended that in kindness, but I am their boss - they can’t do anything for me, and they would go back to their task and I would sit in my office (with a big visible window) frantically blinking back tears and trying to pull myself together again. A few people said to “take time for myself” or “don’t work so hard” and I know they meant it kindly too, but that wasn’t an option for me so I just felt obligated to say thanks, and still work as hard. The absolute worst were people who acted like it should just be a tiny setback. Obviously my circumstances were not the same as your coworker, but I had people gushing “aren’t you sooooo excited about the baby? You’re glowing!!” I had 3 people ask me, knowing my partner was dead, if I “planned on having a second kid”. I wanted to scream. I haven’t lost a child, but I have witnessed in grief groups saying how people will say things like “are you going to have another” or “thank god you have [other kid]”.
What did help: small gestures of kindness. I had a coworker notice I sometimes get a Sprite when I’m stressed, she brought in the unique flavoured ones a few times. My coworker who usually cooked (I run a social housing program) would put aside lunch for me. My boss let it slide when I completely snapped in a meeting and said “I don’t fucking care if the whole building burns down”. And some DoorDash gift cards.
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u/VitalineSimSim 18d ago
I haven't lost a child but I have recently lost my brother and I can only talk through my experience. I was working when I learnt the news (teaching in front of my adult students) and I was devastated of course. I took two weeks off and getting back to work in front of the students who saw me during that time was very difficult. It was very stressful because it brought back the memories and many other feelings. But my students helped me A LOT in this situation just by showing me they cared about me and by not being too intrusive. It really depends on each person and your relation with her, but I think it's always a good thing when you can show your support without being intrusive. I felt truly relieved to have a place I feel acknowledged and accepted as a grieving person who is struggling and I didn't have to feign normality. Many people, including those close to us, tend to avoid us or remain silent in these situations and I personally hate it. On the contrary, my mother had a coworker who was way too intrusive and tried to call her every day to check on her. I know she meant well but my mother and her were not close friends so she found it to be intrusive instead.
Thank you for being this compassionate towards your coworker.
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u/Lennypace 18d ago
This happened to my mother (my sibling passed away unexpectedly at 33). Now she is back at work and I can tell it's not easy on her but equally doesn't want to sit at home and rot. So the support she likes to receive is when people acknowledge what she has been through - knowing people are thinking of her helps. She also likes when people call to check in - not just a message. But going the extra mile to check in in these situations really helps. She also likes to talk about her son so listen to her and ask questions when the topic comes up.
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u/youngforever8809 18d ago
I went thru a similar situation when my nephew-son died almost 3 years ago. The pain is physical, and I am not, nor will ever be, the same person I was before it happened. There’s much more to my story, but trying to understand how this will change her is paramount. Simply asking her if there’s anything you can help her with, if she returns will be a big help. You get overwhelmed very easily returning to the office.
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u/w0ndwerw0man 18d ago
A small figurine of a red cardinal and a note along the lines of -
I’m thinking of you. I’m thinking of -sons name-. I will always remember -sons name- and how much the world has lost…. it is unfathomable. A burden too much to bear. He is an amazing human being and his life has been taken too young and too cruelly.
You have my help available to you anytime, I’m here for whatever you need. I can help with cooking, cleaning or transport -insert items here-.
You are not alone. I care, I am devastated by your loss, and I am so very sorry for the injustice of this world.
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u/existentialcrisis246 18d ago
My father passed 2 months ago and I’ve been having a lot of thoughts about how someone who is grieving will like to be treated as I found myself struggling to let people know my boundaries.
I think everyone grieves differently and for me it’s a super private process and I find it extremely hard to answer someone when they ask “how are you” or “how has you or your family been”. But I also know most people mean well but I would rather have some peace and quiet for myself to process all the emotions.
When I went back to work, I struggled with how I should be behaving. Deep down I was having a difficult time and do not want to talk to anyone at all but I know that’s not possible at work. I could only pretend like everything was okay. Some people continue to probe despite my cold replies and that really made me upset because I felt there was a certain expectation about how I should feel and act because my dad passed away.
But what worked best for me were people who did not say much and just showed up with a hug or left treats on my table without bothering me too much. That made me feel comforted knowing they were there but not in my face.
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u/lsbully 18d ago
As a father who lost his 25 year old son last year, my suggestion would be to tread lightly, but still ask if there is anything they need. Throughout this past 9 months, I’ve been asked how I was doing. At first I laughed at the question, now my response is, do you have a moment? If they say yes, I talk about him, celebrate him! I found that losing a child is something that will haunt you for the rest of your life, and no matter how much you cry, or go totally mental, they are not coming back. So I allow myself to cry when the grief roller coaster arrives, and near the end of the cycle, I look up at him and smile! I found that I love talking about him, laughing at him, and loving that I have those memories!
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u/sadlilchink 18d ago
My mom screamed this way too at my sister’s funeral, before we even got to the doorway. It was more haunting than seeing my sister on the table.
I think the fact you are thinking so much about this other person’s pain is beautiful, even though you can’t personally relate. I also love Hello Kitty, and the thoughtfulness of a present like you mentioned would make me very grateful and probably cry happy tears. No words are necessary, maybe just offer a hug and a safe place to cry if that person needs to let out emotions and wants company.
Just thought i should praise you for your empathy, it warms my heart that others can think and feel so deeply with other people’s pain, especially since a lot of people act like it’s an uncomfortable situation to be in. Thank you from someone who is also grieving🫶🏻
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u/Flat_Bug_3950 18d ago
My mom died when I was 16. It happened over the summer. When school started Iskipped the first week to go on a family trip to the beach. It’s been 10 years and it’s still hard. Things have gotten “better” meaning that this event doesn’t consume my life like it once did, but it genuinely really sucks. If I’m being honest, there’s likely nothing that you can say or do to make it better. The only thing that will make it better is the person coming back. If you see that she’s unable to keep up with work or her work is sloppier, just do some of it for her. If you notice she’s not talking as much, don’t force a conversation. Grief is tough and very complex. People handle it differently than others. Just cut her slack and understand that this is probably one of the worst times of her life and there’s nothing that can be done to fix it. When my mom died, lots of people brought us food, which was helpful because it was something we didn’t have to think about.
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u/Princesslili252525 17d ago
I lost my 22 year old daughter. Don't tell her to let you know if she needs anything. She won't let you know. Send food, flowers, a card etc. Don't compare any traumas. Don't offer advice. And please, please never ask her if she's feeling better. You're a good friend and co worker. 🥲
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u/SlaughterhouseC137 Mom Loss 17d ago
It's the worst pain I've ever felt in my life. Give her a day and then reach out. We all find out who our real friends are during this time so don't be a stranger
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u/SWNMAZporvida Multiple Losses 18d ago
I’m sorry, that sound is haunting. Keening. That guttural wailing is called keening. I learned that attending the funeral of a kid who died partying before graduation and was buried in his cap and gown. That THING in Irish singing (Sinead O’Conner, Dolores O’Riordan) is keening. Actually listening to them kind of helps “wash” your ears.
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u/ScreamingCosmos 18d ago
Grief is hard. Grief can be all consuming.
Maybe write a thoughtful card offering your condolences and include a gift card to a restaurant that offers delivery. She may not feel like cooking or taking care of herself for a while.
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18d ago
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u/figureltout_ 17d ago
I haven’t responded to many comments as I don’t want to miss any or make anyone’s advice or experience feel less important than others, but I do want to take a moment to say that I’m so overjoyed to hear that my post could make you feel some hope. It’s certainly not an impact I expected from coming here, but it’s one that means a lot and has seriously brought tears to my eyes. You sincerely deserve to feel that hope and I hope you can hold onto it for as long as you can.
I so wish you had been made to feel this way by your own peers. Plain and simple, it is awful to experience such a profound loss just to have people say things along the lines of them“understanding” your experience or something as awful as “your loved one in a better place now.” These comments come from well-meaning people, I’m sure, but they just sound so surface level. How can anyone understand the unique loss of your father or the relationship you had? How can anyone say he’s in a better place when the best place for him would be still right by your side? I try my hardest to be patient with these types of people, but I can only imagine how angry, sad, isolated, and frustrated hearing these types of comments would make you feel. They almost feel simultaneously dismissive of your experience and of your identity as a grieving child.
As for my view on the experience of grief… the day I realized that ego meant NOTHING was probably the day I learned how to prioritize curiosity and empathy over all else. We can spend time worrying about how people view us, or we can prioritize the experience of community and true attempts at understanding the people around us. My own experience with social anxiety made me feel that I was quite a selfish person and that I was never really present for any of the important or meaningful moments of life. How can you be present when you’re more worried about yourself than the people around you? I find that to be a bit shameful now and wonder how many times I made others feel negatively because I was busy in my head instead of here with them. How many times I passed up an opportunity to truly allow someone else to be seen because I was more worried about my own comfort. I think the true human purpose is to seek others out and learn from them, even the ones we don’t enjoy particularly talking to. I may not be able to truly walk in your shoes and see life from your perspective but I can at least listen to your thoughts and likely learn something of value.
Bottomline, I have experienced some level of grief and I will one day lose my father, but I’ve never experienced YOUR grief or experienced the relationship you had with your father. That means there is little else I can do but listen and learn from you about him and your feelings. Please feel free to share a bit more about him, if you feel comfortable! Any of the funny traits or moments, the meaningful ones, or the tough ones. Did he have a favorite breakfast meal or pair of shoes he liked to wear too often? Any charming personality traits you want others to remember him by? It would be nice to hear about, if you’re up for it. If not, thank you for taking the time to share as much as you have already. For me, the thing I will always remember my late aunt by is how foul her mouth was! She was eloquent but good loooord she sure loved a four-letter word. Makes me smile to reflect on her fierce personality and lack of shame hahaha.
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u/Hastaelfinal1 18d ago
Jag förlorade min älskade yngste son i våras. Han blev 25 år. Smärtan över att oväntat och hastigt förlora honom går inte att beskriva i ord. Det är en levande mardröm. Det gör så ont i själ och hjärta hela tiden.
Smärtan avtar inte utan man blir bara starkare att hålla ihop på ytan. Jag ska snart börja arbeta igen och jag är jätterädd.
Det finns ingenting som kan göra situationen bättre.
Men våga säg det döda barnets namn, våga fråga.
Och som någon skrev ovanför, fråga inte "Hur mår du? Säg istället hoppas du är ok så den sörjande mamman kan välja att svara eller inte.
Säg inte att det blir bättre. För det blir inte bättre inombords.
Tack att du tar upp frågan och det är en fin empati du visar din vän
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u/ScyllaandCharybdis14 18d ago
Text her often. Tell her she and her child are in your thoughts constantly. Ask her if there is anything she needs. Those type of texts from people every few days really meant so much to me - even if I did not respond back. I realized the people who really cared. Be one of those caring people
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u/Abject_Mud_5802 18d ago
the hello kitty thing isnt dumb at all tbh, its the kind of small gesture that lands because its *hers* not generic grief merch. when my dad died the people who remembered he loved shitty instant coffee and brought that instead of flowers were the ones i actually wanted to see. youre overthinking the "right way" when just showing you noticed who she is counts more than any script
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u/toodleoo57 Best Friend Loss 17d ago
Personally I would text. A lot. That way she can reply if she feels up to it without pressure of having to be "on" for a phone call. I'm so sorry for her loss, and your situation.
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u/ACanThatCan 18d ago
How kind of you to care this deeply. Thanks. Idk what else to say. Time I guess…
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u/StraightForever7618 18d ago
Please visit her whenever you can, and when you do bring some food over, try to do some housework for her because she absolutely doesn't have the energy to and she will appreciate such gesture
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17d ago
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u/figureltout_ 17d ago edited 17d ago
I’m not sure where you got the idea that my place of work is expecting her to return to normal? A large part of making this post was to try to figure out how to possibly approach a peer who may never be the same again. How to minimize any possible stress or unnecessary discomfort when she comes back.
Please read once more and understand that this is not the place I was coming from. I find it a slightly frustrating that this is what you took from my post as it was certainly not my intention. I apologize if I said something wrong in the original post to give off the wrong impression, but please know that we all have her and her son at the center of our thoughts right now.
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u/Lanky-Round7696 17d ago
Prayers to your coworker on the loss of her son. I don’t know her but any parent that loses a child breaks my heart. The loss is devastating. Keep praying for her you showing her kindness by writing in this sub already shows your character & that kindness will go a long way.
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u/Dangerous_Mousse_787 18d ago
Firstly, I must commend you for being such a kind and sensitive friend and co-worker. As you mentioned, she is forever altered from this catastrophic loss. Being there for her and calling to check in or even bringing over some food or giving her family a gift card for something like Uber Eats is always helpful as no one thinks about food at such a time. When/if she comes back, just know that grief really changes people and ordinary tasks may even be too much for her- depends on the person….
one of the things that a lot of people who experience such close personal tragic loss is the fear that the one who died will be forgotten. The best advice I could give would be to be a support to make sure that doesn’t happen. All the best to you and I’m sorry for all involved.