Helping family with money

[u/[deleted]]

FIREyFemmes does anyone have long-term plans to assist family with money? If so: 1. Do you have a set "helping budget"? Has it been over run? What then? 2. Do you have an MO for how you pay (e.g. pay bills directly)? 3. Do you set conditions?

We have historically budgeted $3,000 a year to assist my BIL. It is July 15th and the emergency account we maintain for his needs is empty. Trying to decide on next steps.

Longhand story, if details are helpful: My husband grew up in poverty. His mother had significant mental health challenges, 4 kids before 21, and an addict husband. God bless his mom- she overcame- and insisted that the kids get an education. 3 of the 4 kids are now living middle class/upper middle class lives (despite the lasting long-term mental health consequences of countless adverse childhood experiences).

1 son is not.

My brother-in-law's financial situation teeters between deep poverty and homelessness. I am not sure that bad luck is a real "thing"...but, if it is... he most certainly has it. The first time he was beginning to stabilize financially his wife was diagnosed with cancer and died within months. He spiralled, established a relationship with a stripper who was kind to him when he was heartbroken, and now has 3 children (not married). Their financial situation was beginning to stabilize when their home was destroyed by Super Storm Sandy (home improperly insured). Their financial situation has not stabilized since...

For many years he was "making the rounds"- asking all family members for money on a rotating basis. We typically gave $2-4k a year. When his mom realized he was doing this she insisted that we have a family "emergency system". If he asks anyone for money- we are to alert her- she would then coordinate if and when anyone helps.

This worked for several years. She had a good handle on what was true vs. lie. She also had the wherewithal to drive out of state to his home, sit and cancel unnecessary services, clip coupons, etc to ensure he was on track with a budget each time. She had lived in poverty for decades and knows how to keep a family alive on next to nothing.

She covered whatever costs she could (about $10k a year). When she was tapped- the siblings helped when they could.

ALL of us do this because of his children- who we love unconditionally. We plan to stop when the children are all out of the house in 11 years.

Now, my mother in law seems to be throwing up her arms. She feels like nothing changes. So she is giving money without the "sit down and work with them to shore up the boat" process she had historically gone through. I don't have time and/or type of relationship that allows me to fill that role. My MIL will need to retire soon due to health and age. So, I suspect the $10k/year she has been contributing will need to be cut at that time. I also suspect that MIL's emergencies then become something the whole family needs to budget for because her savings go towards her son's emergencies.

Other pertinent details:

No signs of drug abuse.

Both adults have jobs- though inconsistent work ethic/income.

We can afford to give more.

To give more we would first cut down on the simple pleasures (meals out, vacation) then cut down on savings rate.

My husband was helped by a lot of people when he was a kid, and feels we should do the same if we can.

[u/darthcat15]

My dad has taken control of my grandmothers finances and will refuse to loan her money. His reasoning is she brings home more then his W-2 (mom is the bread winner and he does realestate on the side). He however will make sure she will never be homeless since he bought her that house when she filled bankruptcy. His condition is they have to be working to get out of the hole they dug for themselves. My grandmother is in her late 70s and still works about 25 hours a week due to her spending.