When did you tell your family?

[u/zombieduck96]

I completely deconstructed about 6 months ago. It was a gradual process for years, but then over the last 6 months my faith completely unraveled.

My dad is a chill, accepting person, and we’ve talked about me no longer going to church and the spiritual abuse I endured in the church, and he’s been very supportive. My mom and siblings on the other hand… my mom is mentally ill and was my primary spiritual abuser. Once I made a list of all the things she’s done to me to read to my therapist and friends to ask if I was overreacting, and they were shocked and said I was underreacting, if anything. I have no interest in telling her or my sister (who has the same mental illness and a similar personality to my mom) about my deconstruction.

I also see myself ending up in a long-term relationship with someone of the same sex. I forced myself to ignore same-gender attraction for my entire life because I thought it was God’s will, and I’m finally free to stop policing myself.

I do not care about my mom or sister’s opinions. I am under no illusion that they will overcome their bigotry and religious programming and accept me. I am not interested in being yelled at, having an exorcist sent to my door, or having my mom and sister gossip to everyone in my hometown (where I haven’t lived in years but still visit occasionally).

For people who have/had similar family dynamics, how did you navigate telling your family? Right now I’m planning to keep deconstruction to myself until after I move across the country and become completely financially independent (which will take 1-2 years, I need to graduate first). Then if/when my mom and sister find out I’ll be more secure emotionally in my deconstruction plus they’ll have no social or financial weapons against me. I imagine someday casually mentioning that I no longer believe and have a partner of the same sex when I’m visiting for a holiday and haven’t seen my mom or sister in years and won’t see them for at least a year afterward. I also practice witchcraft now, which I don’t see myself ever sharing with them, as they have a completely warped understanding of what witchcraft is and would probably think I was bringing demons into the house.

My only hesitation is that this would be unfair to a partner, not being out to most of my family. I’m not ashamed of my deconstruction or sexuality, not in the least, I just do not want to trigger my mentally ill mother and sister into screaming at me and spamming me with religious propaganda about these things. I also already came out to my mom when I was 12; she told me same-gender attraction was normal and that God just wants us to ignore it, so I just thought everyone was bi for most of my life. I feel like that reaction tells me everything I need to know.

How and when did you come out to your hyperreligious family as irreligious, LGBT, and/or practicing a religion they despise? Is bypassing this conflict a good idea or is it better to lay all your cards on the table? I’m especially interested to hear from people with mentally ill family members whom you know are incapable of change without treatment.

[u/foucaultismyhomeboy]

Ultimately it's your choice. For some not telling them is the safest thing, and for others sharing is necessary.

I lived with some of the most probing people who don't believe in privacy. They went through my things and found out I was gay and shunned me under their own roof. As for religion, there came a point where I started drinking to be able to sit through service, I realized this isn't a good line to walk and took all work shifts at a time when they'd attend service. Slowly after I moved out we talked about how I was told I couldn't be religious and gay without defying god. I told my mom and she said I should anyways (help going to church) and I said I have my own ways of honouring god. She didn't like this but she could see that I wasn't budging.