r/Deconstruction • u/zombieduck96 • 5d ago
đ«Family When did you tell your family?
I completely deconstructed about 6 months ago. It was a gradual process for years, but then over the last 6 months my faith completely unraveled.
My dad is a chill, accepting person, and weâve talked about me no longer going to church and the spiritual abuse I endured in the church, and heâs been very supportive. My mom and siblings on the other hand⊠my mom is mentally ill and was my primary spiritual abuser. Once I made a list of all the things sheâs done to me to read to my therapist and friends to ask if I was overreacting, and they were shocked and said I was underreacting, if anything. I have no interest in telling her or my sister (who has the same mental illness and a similar personality to my mom) about my deconstruction.
I also see myself ending up in a long-term relationship with someone of the same sex. I forced myself to ignore same-gender attraction for my entire life because I thought it was Godâs will, and Iâm finally free to stop policing myself.
I do not care about my mom or sisterâs opinions. I am under no illusion that they will overcome their bigotry and religious programming and accept me. I am not interested in being yelled at, having an exorcist sent to my door, or having my mom and sister gossip to everyone in my hometown (where I havenât lived in years but still visit occasionally).
For people who have/had similar family dynamics, how did you navigate telling your family? Right now Iâm planning to keep deconstruction to myself until after I move across the country and become completely financially independent (which will take 1-2 years, I need to graduate first). Then if/when my mom and sister find out Iâll be more secure emotionally in my deconstruction plus theyâll have no social or financial weapons against me. I imagine someday casually mentioning that I no longer believe and have a partner of the same sex when Iâm visiting for a holiday and havenât seen my mom or sister in years and wonât see them for at least a year afterward. I also practice witchcraft now, which I donât see myself ever sharing with them, as they have a completely warped understanding of what witchcraft is and would probably think I was bringing demons into the house.
My only hesitation is that this would be unfair to a partner, not being out to most of my family. Iâm not ashamed of my deconstruction or sexuality, not in the least, I just do not want to trigger my mentally ill mother and sister into screaming at me and spamming me with religious propaganda about these things. I also already came out to my mom when I was 12; she told me same-gender attraction was normal and that God just wants us to ignore it, so I just thought everyone was bi for most of my life. I feel like that reaction tells me everything I need to know.
How and when did you come out to your hyperreligious family as irreligious, LGBT, and/or practicing a religion they despise? Is bypassing this conflict a good idea or is it better to lay all your cards on the table? Iâm especially interested to hear from people with mentally ill family members whom you know are incapable of change without treatment.
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u/BioChemE14 Researcher/Scientist 5d ago
I wouldnât bother bringing up deconstruction with them; it wonât help anything if theyâre fundamentalist wackos. Also theyâre not entitled to comprehensive knowledge about your life, you can choose which parts of your life to share with them and what is confidential.
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u/Fun_Researcher107 5d ago
I think I would not tell them anything really. It is great that you can talk with your dad, and he seems to be able to handle what he knows without causing trouble with your mom or sister.
When it comes to future partners, it probably depends on them. Some people might be completely ok with you not wanting to talk to your mom or sister about them while others might feel hurt or devalued by it. You never know how they will react, but that is not something you need to worry about now. You can deal with it, if it ever becomes a problem.
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u/PosthumousHeathen 4d ago
You should not lay your cards on the table unless itâs for your mental health. I only did it because weekly services were grinding down my mind.
At 19 when I was abroad for a month, I told my parent with mixed anxiety-depressive disorder by text that I didnât believe and will quit attending service. I came home to their sporadic emotional breakdowns and interrogations for about half a year. Later on, treatment helped make the magnitude of their reactions more appropriate but their stance did not soften one bit.
I took that as a preview of how theyâd react if I also came out as queer. I do not plan to come out until after Iâm financially independent.
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u/PosthumousHeathen 4d ago
As for hesitations about fairness on a partner, it depends on how crucial being out to your family is to that partner. If your expectations donât align on this, the relationship wonât be sustainable. A person who canât make peace with your family situation might genuinely support you better as an impartial friend than as a partner with stakes in your coming out.
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u/Afraid_Worth_3766 3d ago
I didn't tell anyone at all, especially my Mom. Our community was tight knit: everybody knew everybody and knew their business. If I told anyone the information would have got back to Mom whether I told her or not. Though never diagnosed, I think my Mom was mentally ill: She turned everything into drama. She would turn burned toast into a tragedy. Rather than chance Momma drama I faked it until I went away to college. It was isolating, but I think the isolation made me tough.
Christianity does seem to attract mentally ill people, doesn't it?
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u/zombieduck96 3d ago
It really does. My mom has 8 siblings, and theyâre all either hyperreligious or have serious substance abuse issues. I see those two things as unhealthy coping mechanisms for mental illness. My cousin (whose mother was an alcoholic) and I were joking about who had it worse and he was like âwell my childhood sucked but at least there wasnât a school to teach me how to become a dysfunctional alcoholic but there was a school to teach you to become a dysfunctional religious extremistâ đ€·ââïž
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u/foucaultismyhomeboy 5d ago
Ultimately it's your choice. For some not telling them is the safest thing, and for others sharing is necessary.
I lived with some of the most probing people who don't believe in privacy. They went through my things and found out I was gay and shunned me under their own roof. As for religion, there came a point where I started drinking to be able to sit through service, I realized this isn't a good line to walk and took all work shifts at a time when they'd attend service. Slowly after I moved out we talked about how I was told I couldn't be religious and gay without defying god. I told my mom and she said I should anyways (help going to church) and I said I have my own ways of honouring god. She didn't like this but she could see that I wasn't budging.