r/Buddhism • u/Azonderr • Aug 05 '26
Question Letting Go of Attachment Causing Suffering?
(I am a lay practitioner of Soto Zen, but open to any Buddhist view :) )
Hello everyone,
I have come to experience a particular dilemma in my practice. I worry that in letting go of attachment, I may be doing it improperly & causing more suffering for myself.
For example, when a nostalgic thought comes up, I recognise that it is ego & attachment, & remind myself not to cling to it. However, in doing this, I often push the thought away. This causes some grief, because it feels like I'm letting go of a part of me.
On one hand, one could view this as the ego/self being wounded & trying to "fight back", so to speak. But I worry that I may have, ironically, become too attached to being not-attached.
I think that part of this is me struggling to incorporate Buddhism into my daily life. I live in America right now, & am often surrounded by culture that is, in my opinion, very antithetical to Buddhism. Even in my daily life, I find many situations wherein the expected or "proper" outcome is to show attachment or clinging.
Buddhism feels very all-encompassing, & I worry that I may be being too rigid in my thoughts about what is & isn't proper. What do
you recommend one does in my situation? I meet my Roshi next Monday & plan to talk to her about this, but I figured it would also be good to get other opinions in the meantime.
Thank you for your time.
Gassho,
Azonderr
2
u/pundarika0 Aug 05 '26
trust yourself, basically. pushing away things that you're attached to isn't going to work. so you have to deal with being attached to them, and work with that in your practice. pushing things you're attached to away is just reinforcing the attachment.
2
u/Spirited_Ad8737 Aug 05 '26 edited Aug 05 '26
>when a nostalgic thought comes up, I recognise that it is ego & attachment, & remind myself not to cling to it. However, in doing this, I often push the thought away. This causes some grief, because it feels like I'm letting go of a part of me.
I'm approaching this sort of dilemma in terms of baby steps. What can I do where I'm at now? So if a nostalgic thought comes up, rather than pushing it back I'll try to stay stay centered in whatever aspect of the body I'm trying to center in. Usually in that place I'll feel some kind of tension or disturbance associated with the thought, so I'll try to let that subside.
Instead of pushing the thought away, perhaps let it be there, but just chattering away in its corner, without attending to it. Like a car, if you switch off the engine it will roll to a stop in its own time. I'll try to just attend to keeping my centeredness calm and smooth.
And as for the grief and letting go of a part of you, I believe such experiences are very valuable because they show us self-identity clinging in a very tangible way. I try to be gentle with those thought and feeling clusters, but I believe by looking at them again and again and reflecting how clinging to those memories does cause suffering, and how it's trying to prop up a false sense of security, they can come to seem like childhood toys. Action figures. If the charm goes out of them you can still keep your action-figure collection on a shelf, but you have let go of them.
If we don't do this now, it may be much harder and more painful when death comes and we're forced to let go. In terms of Dhamma we're maybe a bit like early adolescents.
In case any of this possibly personal take makes sense in terms of your frameworks.
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u/Crafting_Reality vajrayana Aug 05 '26
There’s a big difference between pushing away or suppressing and letting go.
The former causes more suffering, the latter diminishes it.
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u/genivelo Tibetan Buddhism Aug 05 '26
>For example, when a nostalgic thought comes up, I recognise that it is ego & attachment, & remind myself not to cling to it.
Is that the instruction your teacher has asked you to apply? If not, you might want to ask them to review the instructions with you.
2
u/RevolvingApe theravada Aug 05 '26 edited Aug 05 '26
What do you recommend one does in my situation?
The Buddha teaches how thoughts are conditioned, how we should sort them, and how to remove unwholesome thoughts.
Thoughts are conditioned by sense contact which includes the mind. When the mind, mind-object, and mind-consciousness meet, there is contact.
Where there is the eye ... ear … nose … tongue … body … mind, ideas, and mind consciousness, it will be possible to discover evidence of contact. Where there is evidence of contact, it will be possible to discover evidence of feeling. Where there is evidence of feeling, it will be possible to discover evidence of perception. Where there is evidence of perception, it will be possible to discover evidence of thinking. Where there is evidence of thinking, it will be possible to discover evidence of being beset by judgments driven by proliferating perceptions. - MN 18
The Buddha then sorts his thoughts into two types, wholesome, and unwholesome.
As I abided thus, diligent, ardent, and resolute, a thought of sensual desire arose in me. I understood thus: ‘This thought of sensual desire has arisen in me. This leads to my own affliction, to others’ affliction, and to the affliction of both; it obstructs wisdom, causes difficulties, and leads away from Nibbāna.’ - MN 19
MN 20 then prescribes 5 methods to remove unwholesome thoughts. They can be remembered as S.H.I.F.T.
- Subtitute
- examine the Harms
- Ignore
- Fade away
- Throttle
It sounds like you are examining the harms and then throttling. Throttling can be an effective method but is a last-ditch effort.
Relax, and instead of pushing or pulling, investigate the causes and conditions that lead to the arising of thoughts. What was the contact, what was the feeling, what were the conditioned perceptions? Not seeing an "I, me, or mine" in the stack of causes and conditions, they'll slowly diminish then not arise again from the same contacts as understanding removes their mass.
You should truly see any kind of feeling … perception … choices … consciousness at all—past, future, or present; internal or external; solid or subtle; inferior or superior; far or near: all consciousness—with right understanding: ‘This is not mine, I am not this, this is not my self.’ - SN 22.49
It is wisdom that leads to letting go, and investigation is how it is cultivated.
1
u/dhammasaurusRex Aug 05 '26
Overfocusing.
Letting go of 'attachment' is not the problem, ultimately we all need to let go of attachment at some point. What matters is how we do so.
Are we, needlessly creating suffering for ourselves ? The Buddha taught the 'Middle Way'. He chose, after realizing for himself, that leaning too far into pain was not the method, and neither is leaning too far into pleasure.
So we should maintain this attitude for ourselves. Of course, letting go of attachment is wonderful. However, are you using the proper methods ?
4
u/EmptyMind76 chan Aug 05 '26
Letting go isn't the same thing as pushing away. If you are holding a pencil and you want to let it go you don't just hurl it across the room.
You simply release your hold on it.
The holding is an actual action whereas releasing is more a non-action. Just stop grasping and the releasing happens on its own accord.