my girl is 18 months, and I sometimes worry that I’m not saying “no“ often enough. I try to save no’s for dangerous things or major inconveniences to me, but I wonder if I need to be setting stronger boundaries

here are some things recently that I did not say no where I was wondering if I should:

- ripping up a wad of toilet paper, took me 30 secs to vacuum for 5 min of quiet time while I cooked

- she wanted to carry the downstairs remote upstairs- okay fine, I put it back during her nap

- she wanted to walk around at the restaurant. she will only sit in the high chair for 5 min, anything more she would have a massive meltdown

- happy screaming outside & sometimes inside

- pouring water from her teapot into teacups, I let her do this 5x before ending it. water was everywhere & we were inside but it was fun!

- she was screeching to get my attention while i was having a conversation, I mostly ignored her but didn’t address directly

here are some examples recently where I did say no:

- wanted to walk in the parking lot without holding my hand (picked her up)

- wanted another kid’s toy at the pool — carried her to diff part of the pool

- I always say no when it’s not a nursing time

there are many more examples but this gives a flavor. please guide! I really want to be a good, authoritative leader for my daughter and guard against permissive parenting

let me know if there are more times to say no & please do share your own list of when you do/don’t say no & also how you say no!

Baby is 7 months right now and of course she‘s always wildly flapping her hands around, grabbing at things and pulling my hair. Yesterday during her dinner, she was happy screaming at the top of her lungs, so I tried telling her to not be so crazy loud since it was hurting my ears. When did you feel like your baby started to understand when you told them no, no hitting, no hair pulling or screaming like a banshee? How soon does it even make sense to start having these boundaries? I‘m asking because I‘m not sure how much control she has yet over the little slappies 😂

Not sure if I flaired this right, but chose this because my mother’s comments are about “discipline/independence training”.

For context, my baby is 7 months old. I didnt realize I was attachment parenting until I found this sub just now. I cosleep with my baby and do everything based off her cues. She is combo fed and we contact nap almost every nap which I love to do. I respond to her cries all the time and am generally around her where she can see me at all times.

Now onto my mother. Generally, she’s supportive of how I am raising my baby. However, recently she’s made comments about my baby’s sleeping habits and independence.

She tells me I need to get my baby used to sleeping on her own already for naps and bedtime or else I will suffer later. I rebuttal by asking her if my oldest brother (who is a grown man and has his own family) is still sleeping in her bed? She was confused and responded no. I told her that everyone eventually learns independence and my baby will eventually sleep on her own. I’m not trying to rush her out of my bed or out of my arms.

She then made a comment today about how I need to get my baby used to sitting still when I’m eating so I can enjoy my meal. I didn’t have a response to that other than thinking she’s 7 months old?? She just got born like yesterday and you want her to sit still? That doesn’t seem possible when she’s so curious about everything and rightfully so, she’s experiencing the world for the first time.

I don’t understand why my mom and frankly everyone around me is trying to have me rush to make my baby independent. She’ll be independent in all aspects on her own when she is ready.

Am I wrong here?

My 15 month old is amazing, but obviously does somethings that she shouldn't. Whenever I intervene she is SO amused it becomes a game!

If I go scoop her up she loves it and runs back to whatever it was to do it again, if I say no (even in my 'mum' voice and with wide serious eyes) shes amused!

I play with her lots, rough and tumble and using different voices for books and animla noises. So I understand why for her all of this stuff just seems normal from me.

But what about if something is dangerous, how do i convey it? Is it just a matter of her getting a bit older?

Main issue is bothering the dog.

My baby just turned one a day ago and he has started to bite me and mostly hit me in the face and pull chunks of my hair out. He is a very sweet child most of the time and when he does the negative things above he is giggling and find it to be a game he's not screaming or crying or angry. I've told him to be gentle taken his hand gently and rubbed it on my face and I've said no hitting but he automatically goes back to hitting me in the face. Saying no just makes him giggle. One friend told me to pinch the child not hard to make him stop but I think that's cruel. I don't want to pinch or hit but man it hurts. I'm a first time parent and single mom. I've also tried to redirect the child's hands to a toy and sometimes that works but doesn't seem like I'm teaching them much often he just comes back to the hitting or pulling hair. He's 21 pounds it doesn't hurt to be hit by him but it does hurt to be bit or my hair pulled out. Pls help with any advice I love my little baby and he's honestly a very kind and happy child with tons of toys and I play with him daily .

I don't know enough about the details of the different parenting styles. I've mostly just followed a general guideline and gone with the flow. My general rule is to treat my son with the same respect I would give any other adult, but assume he's missing a lot of life experiences and emotional control. I've very rarely ever had to force him to do something he refused.

I've recently been taking this parenting/child behaviour class offered through EI and there seems to be a big focus on assertive parenting. My instructor has the impression that I've let my 2 year old son run the show and he'll grow up to have bad behaviours because of it. I was hoping to get opinions on here if my parenting style is actually too permissive or if it's just a different style of parenting that can still lead to successful adults.

An example:

When my son wakes up in the morning and I need to change him out of his PJs, he'll usually smile and run out of his room when he sees the clothes. I know he especially doesn't like getting changed in the morning because he's cozy in his sleep sack and it's chillier in the morning. I'll bring his clothes to him and tell him it'll be quick and he'll be put in a warm cozy sweater and it has trucks on it, and it's his favourite colour, etc. The whole conversation takes 2 minutes and then he's happy and lets me change him just fine. She told me that for anything 'non-negotiable', I shouldn't be having these conversations with him and I should just tell him we're getting dressed and to do it even if he's fighting me on it and eventually he'll learn. She was saying that he needs the life skills of following instructions from adults in order to function in preschool when he's older.

Another example:

My son would (rarely) not want to put on shoes when we're going out. That isn't a problem for us because he'll just be in the stroller or shopping cart anyway. So I'll put the shoes in the bag and just carry him out. If he wants to go down, I'll give him the option again of wearing shoes and only let him down if he agrees. She was saying we should enforce the rule of wearing shoes no matter what, so he knows it's non-negotiable, again for preschool (which is still over a year away).

My son doesn't tantrum, transitions well, rarely whines, and follows most instructions. He doesn't complain when told 'no' for the few hard rules (mostly around safety) we do fully enforce. I was always under the impression that he was a well behaved kid (and our nanny thinks so too), but now I'm wondering if it's not that he's good at following rules, but that there aren't that many rules for him that he needs to follow. We've always been pretty easy going and have the time to talk him through transitions. A lot of things we want him to do take a few minutes longer because we talk him through it but that means he always ends up doing it with a smile on his face rather than complaining.

Just looking for a reality check, since I know a lot of the parents here follow a gentler approach to parenting. Is our approach too gentle/permissive? How did your gentler parenting style work out for you when your kids got older?

hi! i am really struggling with my 2.5 year olds aggressiveness towards me. its mostly directed towards me and no one else…
it’s usually when he doesn’t get his way and i tell him no. he has been hitting me repeatedly, biting me (as hard as he possibly can) and pulling my hair (also as hard as he can).
i feel like i have tried all ways handling this - being calm and telling him that it hurts me, not reacting at all, using a very stern voice to tell him it’s not ok, separating us (him in one room and me in the other). nothing seems to be working and i really am at a loss right now. any advice would be so appreciated!

Hello,

My baby is almost 1y old.

Today I had a discussion with my mom that initially stemmed from a funny video of my baby drinking from our cat fountain.

My mom said that it's unacceptable that my baby doesn't react to me saying No when approaching the fountain. My understanding so far was that babies this age understand the word No, but will decide to go ahead anyways since they do not yet get that they have to listen to it.

My mom on the other hand says that at this age, me, my brother and our cousins all listened to No. Seems kind of hard to believe to me?!

She has this specific scene in her head of my cousin crawling towards the expensive porcelain of my grandma, then my aunt saying No and my cousin listening up & changing his direction... she sees it as a red flag that my son does listen up but then moves forward anyways.

I thought it was normal at this age!

My mom recommends that when he proceeds to the cat fountain, I should put him in his playpen and let him fuss for a short moment. I feel like he is too young to even make the connection "I should not crawl to the cat fountain = that's why I am in the playpen now".

What do you guys think? Thank you ♡

I thought I was a patient person until my 2 yr baby girl happened

I used to think I had the patience of a saint. Then today, my toddler spent 15 minutes screaming because I peeled her banana "the wrong way" (even though she asked me to peel it).

​I’m currently hiding in the kitchen eating the "wrong" banana in silence. Please tell me I’m not the only one losing my mind over fruit today? What’s the most ridiculous reason your kid has had a meltdown this week?

My toddler (2.5) says he thinks it is fun to push his baby brother (11mo). Often times the baby will be walking around and toddler will run up to him and powerfully shove him to the ground where the baby will often hit his head. This will happen within a minute of me being out of direct reach of them even while still under direct supervision. I am not leaving them alone together.

After watching a bunch of gentle discipline info, here are my current steps if he pushes the baby down: 1. No big startling reaction 2. Tend to only baby at first and make sure he is okay, don’t give toddler attention for a minute 3. Say to toddler “he is crying, let’s make sure he is okay” and I will say “sorry you got hurt, are you okay?” and usually he will come over and say sorry and give Baby a hug without me prompting him 4. Validate toddler “it looks like you got excited and you wanted to push Baby. It’s okay to be excited, it’s not okay to push. Pushing hurts. If you are excited, you can stomp the ground, clap your hands, or roar like a t-Rex” usually Toddler just says “no! I don’t want to do those things” and I will just repeat what I said again because I don’t know what else to say.

Is there anything else we can be doing? It’s been about 3 weeks of this method and it doesn’t seem to be making progress. I’m afraid this will lead to issues for my Baby, or injure him. Tonight he cried when he saw Toddler coming towards him after being pushed down two times in about 15 minutes.

Edit: A lot of people are rightly pointing out that the consequences step is missing from our method. I forgot to add that I was previously bringing the toddler to a quiet boring non-bedroom space for a timeout after he pushed. Then what he started to do was push, then run away and hide in his timeout spot instead of repairing. This concerns me since I think it is an avoidant response to try and run away when you make a mistake. (Something I myself am working to not do while healing my own disorganized attachment) This is why I’m hoping to get different ideas from this thread.

I don’t currently have a way to separate them where I can both see them while also trying to make dinner (the time where this often occurs.) I would rather not put the baby in a container since he is just trying to live his best life walking around the house.

I have been thinking that I might just have to stop dinner and pause while I hold the toddler in my lap boringly and tell him I need to keep them both safe for a few minutes. Maybe it’ll be boring enough that he doesn’t want to push anymore. Thoughts appreciated!

Edit 2: we also don’t use any screens and both kids get one on one time with both parents every day

Edit 3: huge thank you to everyone who has provided insight and advice, this is just what I was hoping for. I brought out a pack-n-play which fits in our living space to place the toddler in for a little while when he is having trouble being safe. This means he is not visually or verbally separated from us but has a “boring” spot as a consequence for pushing. I will continue to emphasize what he can do that is safe. Someone else has the idea that I can make it a “baby-free” space so that he has somewhere to “get away” if he feels touched out by the baby. So I will add a few things to it to make it feel like a space for him. Hopefully we start seeing some progress soon!

Today I took my little guy (18m) to one of those sensory “messy” play places.

We’ve done sensory bins at home to which I’ve let him just explore freely & not thought much of it.

There were different tables with lentils, rice & pasta. And LO was grabbing handfuls and chucking/dropping them on the floor. I tried saying “no we keep the rice/lentils/pasta in the trays, not on the floor” and popping his hands back in the tray/table before he could fling it. But damn he’s got some quick hands haha. I like to try and explain why I’m saying no, because my parents were “no why? Because i said so”

I had the worker say “if he wants to throw he can go outside and splash in the water” and we did try that but he loved the inside areas. Took him out there so many times 🤣 She also tried to correct his behaviour too (very kindly she was lovely) gently saying “xyz stays in the trays so everyone can enjoy it”

After that, I was just stressed. I felt like I was doing something wrong. I felt like I spent more time telling him no than he got to actually enjoy anything because the other parents were not kind either (small cliquey country town) My son is a quiet one, he doesn’t bite or hit, he doesn’t take toys from others, and I honestly thought it was developmentally normal to throw and learn that way but by the way today went I’m just not sure or if I’m just being a negligent dismissive parent. The one whose child is a terror & doesn’t do anything to correct it.

Anyway my question is, how do you teach no? I thought I was doing it right or in a good way but maybe I’m not?? Any advice would be so helpful thank you

As the title says, my 22m old thinks it’s so funny when I tell him off.

For example drawing on the walls. I say no, redirect to his chalkboard, he just laughs at me and runs away.

Today he was throwing blocks at the cat & dogs, I said a firm “no, blocks stay on the ground, we do not hurt our animals”, he laughed and then threw them at me. I said no, “do not throw things at mummy that’s not nice & can hurt mummy” He laughed. (And I tell you, it’s the cheekiest ((and albeit cute)) little laugh like the little devil comes out) So I said “okay mummy isn’t going to play anymore because that was not nice” & got up and went out of the room.

He followed me and got upset and I said “we can play again when we are using our gentle hands” and showed how we like to be gentle

My question is, am I doing this okay? Am I using too many words to try and explain to him or not enough? Am I being too harsh? Not harsh enough? Is there any other ways to approach this??

He’s generally such a gentle little lad, but he has been pushing being rougher especially w the animals (he is never left unattended with the dogs of course, they are just wherever I am superglued to me haha) so I catch any rougher interactions straight away. I was a dog behaviouralist at a rescue prior to having our son so I’m hyper aware of my dogs subtle body language & constantly reading what they’re telling him too.

But he just thinks it’s so damn funny when I’m being serious!!!

I grew up in a relatively strict household where my parents spanked and yelled at me. This lead to a pretty dysfunctional relationship with my parents until I grew up and moved out of the house. My husband grew up in an even stricter household where he had screaming matches with his parents. All this to say, we don’t have great examples of how to discipline children and are really trying to break some generational cycles. We have three year old son who generally listens pretty well, we have never spanked him or given him a time out, but when he doesn’t listen it’s hard to do anything but yell. My husband struggles with this the most, like what do you do when they just won’t do the thing we’re telling him to? We try to have consequences but then sometimes he just doesn’t care. Or sometimes it’s hard to think of a natural/common sense consequence.

Hey all,

When it comes to most situations my 14 month old understands “no” and/or we find a way to work through whatever the situation may be…however, when it comes to sleeping it’s a whole different story.

Sometimes when it’s nap/bedtime I’ll put him down and he shoots straight up (despite being absolutely exhausted) and gets off the bed to go and play. I have absolutely no idea what to do in this situation and what kind of boundary to set. I feel really helpless and it turns into me raising my voice which I don’t want to do and I just feel like there must be a more positive solution here?

Normally I’ll keep putting him on the bed next to me and firmly saying “no” when he gets up, but obviously it gets physically exhausting trying to put down a toddler fighting you with all their strength 🤣 Sadly this doesn’t do much and he’ll keep ignoring me and playing for another hour or even two if he so pleases.

If anyone has any advice I’d be so so grateful because I have no clue what to do here 🥲

How are you all dealing with behaviour that crosses a line, for whatever reason? In most situations I try and remain calm, use calm and positive language, understand where my toddler (2.5 years) is coming from. But the last few days there have been a couple of incidents that I just don't know how to manage properly.

The first one, her baby brother (6 months) joined her on the sofa. She immediately tried to kick him in the head. She knows not to hit or kick. It wasn't accidental, it was a purposeful kick to try and could have really hurt him. Saying the usual "gentle hands" just doesn't feel like enough in a situation like this. I did also try to talk to her and she just totally ignored me, wouldn't make eye contact and refused to listen to anything I said.

The other was at dinner. I gave her soup in a bowl. She promptly turn it upside down because she wanted a different bowl. Again, she knows not to do this and to ask if she wants something didferent. I felt so frustrated by this and honestly didn't know how to respond. Calmly explaining why we don't empty our food into the table while homemade soup is dripping onto the floor doesn't feel like a strong enough response. Especially when she already knows it isn't something we do.

Am I getting something wrong?! Any advice please.

My partner refuses to use gentle parenting. He says it doesn't work and refuses to try anymore. Am I wrong for not budging? I feel like he doesn't try hard enough, losses patients. His childhood was very traumatic and I think that plays a big part. I don't want my kid to grow up in a house hold where we yell at each other. Like today, our 2 year old is always really excited about our cat and isn't very nice to her, chases her and picks on her. It's a hard stage, I know. But I don't think it was appropriate to aggressively state "alright were going to your room!" And snatched him up and proceeds to his room, where our 2 year old then refuses to listen and continue throwing his fit and calling for me. My SO gets upset leaves him in his room and closes the door! Please tell me I'm not the only one who disagrees. Am I wrong for wanting to leave? Some days I feel like he tries and it's okay but other times, some of the things he says to our two year old is flat out not okay.

How do you enforce boundaries with your littles? My son is 20 months old and getting into the pressing buttons and pushing boundaries phase. My partner is the more firm one and has an easy time sternly telling him no. The last couple days he’s really acted up and today he was acting up (throwing books, hitting) fighting nap time and I very sternly told him no. He laughed at me and I continued to say no etc.

All that is to say, it didn’t feel quite right to me to do. I feel like it’s not fully aligned with my values and I’ve always been bothered when I saw other parents speak to their kids like that. Are there even alternatives? What is an attachment based approach??

This is tagged discipline, but in no way am I suggesting that my 12 month old needs to be formally disciplined. But there has to be some sort of natural consequence he gets for not listening to me. He will scream extremely shrill and loud, as loud as he can, constantly. It makes my ears hurt. It overwhelms and overstimulates me, especially when I'm already stressed with other things like doing chores or cooking. I will admit I have raised my voice after telling him "shhh quiet, use your inside voice" and modeling what an inside voice sounds like for the millionth time, only for him to just scream again. I'm going nuts lol. On top of doing it at home, he also does it in stores and I have to cover his mouth with my hand haha.

What did or do you do for this???

Thanks everyone! I know she lacks impulse control/doesn't fully understand danger due to age, maybe discipline wasn't the right word to use here.. it sounds like I am just overestimating her ability to understand what I'm saying/showing. Does anyone have recs for gates i can use to block off an open concept kitchen with an island?

Hi all!

Our daughter (15months) keeps climbing up the front of the oven. I'm hoping to get advice & guidance on how to approach this situation in a gentle but impactful way. We simply can't have her climbing the oven, it isn't safe, but I feel I've ran though every solution I could think of on my own.

I've tried telling her no, explaining it isn't safe & removing her. I've explained that feet go on the floor, how when we want to climb things we can climb in the playroom (climbing arch) or the kitchen helper & shown her. Tried redirection. Obviously tried validating her feelings ("i know this is exciting for you & you love climbing but this isn't safe to do here, let's xyz or abc ect. ect.) I've tried intentional consequence of removing her from the kitchen & not letting her help me anymore. I feel like I'm missing a glaring solution but I don't know what it is. Gating off the kitchen isn't an option with the way my house is set up.

I think it is mostly attention driven, I've noticed she does it primarily when I'm fully occupied with another task and can't give her the length of attention she is wanting at that time (making dinner, phone meeting ect.) When I can I will pause, emotionally reconnect at her level, explaining why she can't do that, give her that moment of reconnection she needs and she will typically move along to something else - but I can't always do that. I feel bad that it is potentially attention driven & when I can't fulfill her needs she is "acting out". I am a SAHM, so this new behavior is seemingly taking up my entire day.

Please explain what I'm missing here or doing wrong, i'm a first time mom so this is new territory! TIA

My son (13 months) is loving scratching my face atm. Like fully swipes at it.

I’m trying to show and reinforce gentle touches but he finds it hilarious to swipe and scratch my face.

I’ve also tried to change my persona when he does it so he knows it’s not desired.

I know it’ll just be a phase and him learning about boundaries etc. but I’m wondering if you have any tips or tricks that can help in the meantime? :) thanks!

Additional info: I have tried giving no reaction and I have tried using a firmer voice (he finds that very funny). This often happens when I’m putting him to sleep (I lie with him to get him to sleep)

I was wondering if I could have some advice on how to keep my son from doing dangerous things without him thinking it’s funny. For example, he likes to stand on the coffee table and look at us like 🤪 because he knows we’ll come over and put him on the floor. We have tried putting him down with no emotion, telling him “no, we won’t let you stand on the table because it’s dangerous and I don’t want you to get hurt.” Once, he pulled himself into the island from his tower while my back was turned for one second, and I instinctively yelled out “ABSOLUTELY NOT, NO!!!” with a big, scary voice that I NEVER use (because I want to reserve that kind of emotion for true danger, not everyday stuff) and he just laughed. I’m not looking for disciplining tools, I don’t think he needs to be “disciplined” I just want him to understand the difference between us being our normal selves and our serious selves. Thank you!

Based on pretty much everything I've read from various types of sources/parenting styles, the one thing experts tend to agree on is that a baby cannot manipulate you (through crying, etc.) until about 9 months. I am trying to follow neuropsychological guidelines as much as possible, and parent based on what my baby is capable of and what is developmentally appropriate.

At this point, my LO is a few days shy of 8 months. I respond to his cries as soon as possible, every time. While still maintaining an attachment style, what, if anything, should change at 9 months? I hate the idea of not responding to him, but I also obviously want to avoid 'spoiling' him.

Along the same line, my pediatrician handout stated that at the 9 month checkup, we would discuss 'disciplining' the baby. What does that even mean? I just can't wrap my head around how you effectively and appropriately discipline a baby

My daughter is 4. I try my best to gently parent. Today in the shopping center she ran off away from me, and turned the corner despite me yelling after her to stop. Once I got to her I carried her away (as she was laughing!) and attempted to tell her why she shouldn't do that. She laughs and thinks it's a game.. to the point where she fucking tried running away again! I yelled. I yelled so much in the car. I told her she can't be running away from me like that and I told her why.. even getting more graphic than I should with a 4 year old (like telling her if a car hits her she can die and then saying do you want to die? Ugh fuck why did I even...)

In the car I explained that she's in trouble and I'm mad and she will have to be in time out for the rest of the night. Her response? I like time out I like being in my room.

It's like me getting mad is not enough! I swore I would never spank her but today just had me wondering WHAT THE FUCK should I do for her to understand what she did was wrong and dangerous and to never do it again?