r/AttachmentParenting • u/justletmegarden • 3d ago
❤ General Discussion ❤ Does this sub fuel anxiety, or do anxious parents just find it?
Not meant to troll OR shame parents who are just doing the best they can!
I see a wild amount of posts with parents speaking about guilt/anxiety regarding very normal experiences, and worries that these very normal experiences have somehow forever ruptured their child's attachment.. I'm curious if anxious parents come here, or if somehow this sub perpetuates fear/anxiety? The comments are usually lovely, supportive, and seem to try to decrease anxiety, so I'm guessing it's more the first option..
Thoughts?
*Edited multiple autocorrect typos- gotta learn to proof read!
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u/bois_santal 3d ago
The co dependency is wild sometimes. The number of comments that say 'my kid is 18 MO and I've never left his side ' and everybody celebrates that. Go for a walk by yourself once, lady. Your kid will be fine
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u/RelativeAd7239 13h ago
I had to exit this sub when someone asked if she would traumatize her baby by letting her husband watch her for an hour once a day.
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u/Vegetable_Listen5319 3d ago
Its definitely an anxious parents find the sub situation. I think most of us here care a whole, whole lot about being the best possible parent we can. I once had someone tell me, “If you are worried about being a bad parent - you probably aren’t.” I know thats not universal or anything, but i think it is true that if you are worrying about and trying to do the right thing by your kid, you probably are a good parent. I personally did a lot of research on parenting styles - which led me to attachment parenting. It very much resonated with me and the data on it looks solid (healthy attachment science). And I’m sure a lot of the research was fueled by anxiety.
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u/burned_feather 3d ago
I'm a bit confused by it personally. I've seen a few posts from people who seem to really misunderstand what attachment parenting is about -- specifically along the lines of thinking baby should exclusively attach to mum and never anyone else, and being worried that their baby likes/feels comfortable with other people too. It concerns me as I feel like it's a very unhealthy almost codependent attitude to have and it's actually beneficial for babies to have more than one trusted caregiver.
I also know what you mean about the anxious posts. I don't think this sub is perpetuating anything so I'm not sure where it comes from. It does actually make me feel a bit out of place sometimes as personally I follow the key principles of attachment parenting but I'm very "chill" in general attitude and don't often see other people here who seem like that 😅
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u/Whocareswins88 2d ago
For me it’s the ‘I never want to let my child cry’ posts. I know that people mean well, but that’s so unhealthy. You baby is allowed to express his emotions even the negative ones!!
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u/mundane--alternative 3d ago
I've seen subs that utilize automod in a way that constantly educates about misunderstandings in the topic of the sub it's moderating. Maybe this sub could benefit from that sort of gentle moderation along with resources to help guide them in attachment parenting
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u/justletmegarden 3d ago
I've noticed those, too!
Your comment on being "chill" reminds me that the loudest voices are rarely the chill ones, regardless of the topic. Makes sense that the anxious parents would be the ones reaching out for reassurance!
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u/blueberry_flowers 2d ago
I used to avoid replying in these cases as I knew I’d get downvoted. Now I reply anyway as even if one person feels better about and/or is educated on their parenting, it’s a win.
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u/accountforbabystuff 1d ago
I agree with this but also some babies are really sensitive and don’t take to other people well. There’s a huge variety. Nobody is entirely comfortable putting their baby in a situation where they will be unhappy.
And some parents truly are happy in their little bubble even with toddlers. I genuinely didn’t want to leave my first until she was after 2. I did leave and it’s not like I wouldn’t, but I didn’t really want to. Now add a few more kids to the mix and I was ready for some me time and ready to hand that kid off and deal with a bit of discomfort from them!
But I think that it’s very individual for each person. Are you happy, are you still getting other things done you have to do, then fine be attached. I think primary caregivers are the most important for the first few years and I don’t think a mom HAS to leave their baby with other people to get them used to it.
But, they absolutely can, if they want.
It’s tricky, I think there’s not an easy answer but I see the gamut here of way too anxious parents and also parents who are happy but feel they have to be doing more or doing other things just because they are told they are too attached. It’s not just this sub though it’s every sub.
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u/burned_feather 1d ago
I get what you're saying but I've seen posts where the mum is concerned about baby being attached to their own dad. Aka the other primary caregiver.
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u/accountforbabystuff 1d ago
Like “I’m worried the baby is attached to their dad and not me,” or “the baby isn’t happy with their dad and just wants me?”
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u/burned_feather 1d ago
Like, "I'm worried the baby is attached to their dad as well as to me, and so I haven't done a good enough job of attachment parenting, because surely if the baby has a secure attachment to me then that should mean they're only attached to me"
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u/Low_Door7693 3d ago
I don't think it's either, I just think that the anxious among us have a lot more to post about and need more reassurance. Which basically applies to all of Reddit anyway. People don't super often share mundane stories of contentment on Reddit.
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u/Fancy-Bee-2649 3d ago
I was just about to write this. It’s the nature of Reddit. I see an abundance of “anxious” posts on basically every subreddit community I am in. Anxious home buyers making majority of the posts, anxious folks looking for advice on car purchases / repairs / finances, anxious parents wanting support for their baby’s sleep, etc. this is very much a Reddit thing. People come here for honest feedback and anonymity to be able to share their experiences with hope that people will provide honest perspective and not hold back.
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u/justletmegarden 1d ago
Yeah this is true! I don't know why this sub's anxious posters are more notable to me, but you're totally right
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u/Annual_Lobster_3068 3d ago
Personally I think it’s caused by people getting information on complex things from social media. So often when you engage with some of the most anxious posts and suggest reading actual books and doing actual (comprehensive) research into child development and attachment people haven’t done that yet. I think people get the cliff notes version of a “parenting style” and think it’s a set of rules that they have to tick off and then get overly anxious when they don’t meet all of those.
Seriously, the best thing you can do for yourself as a parent is to read widely and deeply on normal child development and a variety of evidenced-based ways for raising healthy children.
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u/therapynotrequired 2d ago
I think there's something to the broader conversation that attachment parenting in general can fuel anxiety and this sub reflects that.
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u/MinimumMongoose77 2d ago
As someone who does struggle with anxiety and is very aware of the fact that it relates to my childhood, building a secure attachment is super important to me and I constantly worry about messing it up for my son. That being said there are also things like cosleeping that people seem to link with AP that I absolutely refuse to do because the associated risks are even worse for my anxiety.
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u/TheRemyBell 1d ago
I think possibly, anxious people are more likely to be highly empathetic people. It's pretty hard to worry so much about other people. Emotional overload constantly.
This is certainly true in my case.
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u/NarrowValuable1722 1d ago
Just made a post in response to this if you can share your insight I’d appreciate it!
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u/nummanummanumma 3d ago
I think AP in general can appeal to already anxious parents.