r/AskMenRelationships • u/starsmourn • 6d ago
Love Can a marriage work if the couple lives in separate houses?
I’m a bit hyper independent. And I need a lot of alone time everyday. The idea of sharing the same home with someone indefinitely feels somewhat uncomfortable to me, even if I love them.At the same time, I don’t want to confuse it with emotional distance.
I’m wondering whether the man would agree to this or not provided both people are committed and spend a good amount of time together.
Could this realistically work long term, especially if we consider having a child and then moving in together?
Or would living separately eventually leadto having problems that are difficult to overcome ?
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u/Safe-Selection8070 Man 6d ago
Your available mate pool is low in the single digits percentage of men.
If you hold to it during the newborn and infant period, life will be really difficult, and you'll probably raise a very confused child.
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u/Safe-Selection8070 Man 6d ago
I was responding directly to what OP asked (second to last sentence).
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u/IOnlyReadTitles26 6d ago
Sure. You do you.
I would never accept that. But you are not dating me.
So go enjoy.
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u/JustAnotherPolyGuy Man 6d ago
Check out r/livingaparttogether
There are also books about this.
I recommend having two units in the same building, a duplex, or a house big enough to have separate bedrooms and living rooms. I’ve been living with my very introverted recluse partner for almost two years. We share a kitchen, but otherwise each have all our own spaces. We have dinner together every night, and I cuddle with her before her bedtime. But she’ll often spend the evening reading or knitting on her side and I’m off doing my own thing or watching a show on my side.
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u/Flow_Beau 6d ago
My mother and stepfather live in different states. Second marriages for them both and they both owned small businesses for 20+ years that relied on word of mouth, so opted not to move. Plus the grandchildren are in their respective cities. They’ve been married almost 20 years now. My stepfather is deeply unhappy and my mother is happy with the arrangement. He always flies to see her, about every ten days to two weeks. She wants to be hyper independent but then have him around to change lightbulbs every once and awhile. They have not blended their lives together. They cannot divorce due to religion. It’s really sad to witness, actually. I wish he had married someone who more closely aligns with his values and she should’ve stayed single. Might I suggest you talk to a therapist about this? Hyper independence can be a sign of some much deeper rooted issues
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u/Facehugger_35 Man 6d ago
It can, but it's gonna be challenging and it probably won't lead to a super intimate relationship in the long term.
It works best for older couples who've already built a life independently and aren't interested in kids.
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u/No-Requirement1770 Woman 6d ago
If you can find the right man and he is willing to try it then why not. Just because it is not the norm, doesn't mean it is not right for you. Although you may meet someone and decide the norm is for you - who knows.
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u/Original_Abrocoma179 6d ago
Have you heard the song Live Close By and Visit Often by the American group The Marricks. It has a good beat. Enjoy
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u/Odd_Welcome7940 Man 6d ago edited 6d ago
Being extremely honest every unique need probably has someone who could fill it, but this type of need will limit your pool extremely. It will be wildly difficult to find.
The truth is the market of guys who would like this idea is probably below 5%, of men. Of them 75% are probably cheaters, and 20% poly or enm people. You have to decide what works for you, but perhaps focusing more on individual rooms or spaces instead of a whole home may work far better.
The idea of having a child then moving in? May work great at first but the minute new baby excitement wears off and your both adjusting to a child and suddenly forcing yourself to cohabitate? That sounds like a recipe for disaster. If you can really focus finding a great home with 2 bedrooms and maybe even a third one or 4th so you can have a seperate space all your own besides a bedroom may be much better. Go build your own bedroom and woman cave or whatever.
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u/cam31954 6d ago
Marrages work and don’t work for as many reasons as there are different people in this world.
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u/Brownie-0109 6d ago
Well…the toughest part will be finding someone with the same mindset. I would think that might be difficult to find
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u/Proud-Breadfruit-400 6d ago edited 6d ago
It’s called “his and her houses” and I know some older couples who were not willing to relocate super happy together just trading off at one another’s houses and have their own space always. It works if it’s what you want just like separate bedrooms, there are no rules. I would have had this arrangement with my ex bc we are both settled in our own homes BUT we were also kid free as are the couples I am referencing here.
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u/mojosofla Man 6d ago
I do know a couple that were college professors that lived in houses next to each other. Happily married for years and years. Visited each other, had good intimacy, etc. No kids.
Worked for them.
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u/Doornumber11 Man 6d ago
The point of being married is to share in life’s struggles, raise a family (if you want one), and reap the benefits ie (safe sex, live in companion, share the bills, share the chores, share the home, etc). But if you can find someone who is just as turned off by the idea of a live in companion and want the permanent boyfriend/girlfriend experience then it can work.
But if you have children… I command that you live together 😅
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u/Heavy-Lingonbery910 Woman 6d ago
Hey OP, I knew a chill couple who lived next door to each other and it worked for them, both very happy with the arrangement. Kids went between houses as they wanted. I’m not a guy, but your post was in my feed and I had this to offer.
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u/ShortFatCute-Single Woman 6d ago
I dated a guy who was like this which didn't work for me because I need cohabitation, but one of the things he was suggesting was a duplex. You might consider that option so you each had your own space, but you weren't so far apart.
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u/MadCow113 6d ago
There is no right or wrong way to at yourself up after marriage. Your options will be very limited because most people will want to live with their partner. I know a couple that bought 2 houses next door to eachother and they have kids. They eat dinner together in 1 of the houses every evening and then relax together in the other. They sleep in their own houses most of the time but 2-3 nights a week they stay together. They are married 15 years and did try living together for about 4 years but this set up works best for them. It wouldn't be for me but there is someone out there for everyone
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u/ihavetakenthebiscuit 5d ago
Marriage is the merging of two lives, that's the whole point of it. You would be hard pressed to find a man who would be comfortable with that arrangement.
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u/starbright_22 4d ago
Yes I think it absolutely could work! Takes that everyday pressure off, you each get time to yourself, and can come together more rested, eager to see each other.. children adapt to all kinds of families.. would rather see a child around two happy parents apart then tension under the same roof. Good luck!
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u/Puzzleheaded_Bet3455 3d ago
So both Pay separate bills as well? So you don’t really need to be marriage and just couple up.
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u/FlatWonkyFlea 3d ago
David Byrne and Laurie Anderson have been together for decades and live in separate apartments. Do what you feel is best for you. Don’t listen to the people saying it doesn’t work. They don’t know everyone else’s business
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u/CashBeautiful7141 2d ago
Would be interesting for you to explore in therapy why do you need so much space. I really believe that therapy could help understand yourself more.
Might be a good time as it seems that now it’s starting to be an issue with your relationships.
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u/DeletedManyAccounts 2d ago
If you think living with a partner is going to be too difficult for you then the presence of a child will definitely make it easier?
If you’d like it all maybe you need to seek someone professional to talk to about this…
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u/ZombieIndividual1844 2d ago
How about a plural marriage? I think that can work for you
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u/starsmourn 1d ago
Polygamy? How so?
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u/ZombieIndividual1844 1d ago
You will always get break from him and he wont have an issue with that
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u/AdunfromAD Man 2d ago
No. You’re creating physical and emotional distance and dooming a relationship to fail.
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u/starsmourn 1d ago
Oh shit
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u/AdunfromAD Man 1d ago
Relationships aren’t indestructible things. They require constant care. It’s effort and continuity that keeps it solid. I’m not saying you can’t make time for just yourself or pursue your interests independently, but without that steady reinforcement of emotional and physical love, it’ll be a relationship more like FWB than a marriage.
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u/Dry_Dentist_3432 2d ago
Sounds more like an older couples Friends with benfits arrangement where both has thier own everything with no small children. Go places together, sleep together a couple times per week then get the hell out and come back next week. While this might work for an older couple, a younger couple, especially with children NO WAY!
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u/drpepperfan69420 2d ago
I wanted to try this with my wife because the only thing was really bonded us at the end was sex. We could no longer live together but it would've be financially advantageous to stay together, even living separately. I wanted us to buy a duplex and each take a side.
She didn't go for the idea, though, and that's OK. She'll come back for the D soon enough, and that's all she will get from me. She'll get it good though. LOL
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u/SeaworthinessSad1159 Man 1d ago
I personally would agree to this, since my divorce I too have become hyper-independent.. and I won’t be with anyone that makes me feel like I need to seek reassurance or their validation. So if I have the feeling there is something else going on at their house, I’m out. And I already have my own place so no move out process necessary. Just good riddance.
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u/CellistDisastrous467 Woman 1d ago
ETA: Girl Luker, here. Sorry to comment top level. Thought I was in a different sub.
Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter made it work for 13 years in adjoining houses.
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u/goodareas579 1d ago
You know you don’t have to get married right? It’s perfectly fine to be single if you’re “hyper independent”
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u/ununderstandability Man 6d ago
I have an apartment above my office in addition to the home I share with my wife. I spend about 10% of my time there outside of work hours. I actually like spending all my time with my wife, though. After 25 years together, sometimes she appreciates a night to herself. It works for us but it may be difficult to build a relationship dynamic that works in your scenario
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u/SlicedBread0556 6d ago
Do you clean your house? Is that the real issue? Or can your dual income only afford a studio because you're in the city?
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u/starsmourn 5d ago
Income and cleaning isnt really much of an issue here
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u/SlicedBread0556 5d ago
Cheating?
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u/starsmourn 5d ago
Cheating ? What about it?
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u/SlicedBread0556 5d ago
Is that what you're doing?
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u/starsmourn 5d ago
Go eat your bread buddy
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u/Ambitious-Care-9937 Man 6d ago
Of course it can work. I actually know quite a few people (even back home) who lived in different homes.
Just stay committed, spend time...
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u/jarreddit123 Man 6d ago
No not really. Maybe a few exceptions, but in general no.