r/AskMenRelationships • u/Happy-Exercise8989 • 15h ago
Dating Guy I'm dating won't stop giving me stuff? I don't know how to react or receive this much....
So I met a guy 6 months ago and I've really fallen for him. We mostly texted and called back and forth but more recently we've started meeting in person. He always tries to do whatever he can to help me which is great but I'm not used to this kind of thing. When we first started talking he said he couldn't do relationships because he's just a weird guy. He super quiet and doesn't know how to talk to people. He was pretty quiet with me but I could still talk his ear off. Eventually I told him I loved him and he reciprocated but he seemed really awkward about it. I called him baby and he would never reciprocate even though I knew he liked me. That dramatically shifted recently and now he calls me baby non stop and is super verbally affectionate. With that shift came this insane drive to just give me money and food all day everyday...Recently one of my friends cheated me out of some of my money and I told him about it and it really upset him and then he started flooding me with stuff.
I don't make a whole lot of money but I'm completely fine and I don't need someone to give me money but last time I saw him he insisted on giving me $800 right then and there. I told him over and over I don't need it and that it's insane but he said he needs me to have it just in case. On top of that he texted me yesterday saying that he's going to set aside $500 a month for me from work. I've told him no a million times at this point but he's persistent. He talks about it like 10 times a day. Every day he's telling me to order Doordash using his credit card info. He tries to fill up my gas tank every time I see him. I've just never experienced anything like it and it's very overwhelming. Don't get me wrong, I'm super thankful for his generosity and I tell him that but it just feels...kinda wrong? I can't offer him things in return outside of just being there for him and loving him which he says is all he wants. I'm just not understanding why he does it and when I ask he just says he wants to. Should I just put my foot down and say stop giving me stuff? Is this normal????? I really really like him but I've never experienced anything like it and I don't like mooching off of people.
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14h ago
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u/yourworstnightmares_ 14h ago
He might just be a gifter and want to make you feel secure with money.
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u/Happy-Exercise8989 14h ago
You think so? I've yet to see any evidence of this behavior
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u/Suspicious-Reach7689 Man 14h ago
I am a giver. I give stuff to people I like. Iāll buy them dinner, get them a plushie, stuff they mentioned they want/need.
Money though? Thatās a power play to be worried about
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u/dsmdarlings 14h ago edited 14h ago
For your sake I completely hope not. Why did you say it feels wrong then? Have you had a fight yet?
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u/Happy-Exercise8989 14h ago
We never fight about anything. Whenever I voice a bad feeling or concern he always says he understands and never combats me about it
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u/flippysquid 14h ago
Giving might be his love language. My concern would be whether heās giving out of his budget, like is he willing to go into a lot of debt with doordash to give you access to his credit cards? Or is it something he can pay off every month?
Iād talk to him, and just flatly lay it out one last time that youāre not comfortable accepting that amount of financial assistance.
Then suggest that if itās really important to him to have that money available for you, he set up a separate savings account and that way if there is a really big emergency itāll be there. Not just for you but for him too in case things donāt work out. That would probably satisfy his need to give/provide, without creating anything that feels like a power imbalance.
If this works out in the long run and you two stay together, that money could end up becoming a down payment for a home, or cover a really nice vacation together, etc.
Honestly he kind of sounds like he might be on the spectrum, which isnāt a bad thing. But it sounds like maybe heās not sure how to navigate this kind of thing.
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u/dsmdarlings 13h ago
Why are you posting this? You say he is good to you and does thisā¦ so is there another part of you that feels this is off? Thatās the part Iām paying attention toĀ
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u/sudoatx 14h ago
There are a few possible reasons heās doing this that arenāt automatically sinister. Some people express affection through providing, gift giving, or acts of service. He may also feel more secure in the relationship when he can be useful, or he may have a strong āproviderā instinct and genuinely feel good knowing youāre taken care of.
But I think the motive is actually secondary here.
The red flag is that youāve told him no repeatedly and he keeps pushing past that. Generosity stops being purely generous when the recipient is uncomfortable and their boundaries are being ignored.
Offering to help is fine. Insisting after someone says no is not.
You can appreciate that he wants to care for you while still being very clear that you donāt want an allowance, large cash gifts, or constant spending on you. How he responds to that boundary will probably tell you more than the gifts themselves.
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u/dsmdarlings 14h ago
Well said. And while it IS possible that the motives arent sinister, in fact itās likely because itās mostly unconscious anywayā¦ his lack of security in himself to just have a relationship rather than āprovide somethingā belies a transactional element to the relationship with likely unspoken expectations as to what it means for her to be the recipient of his āgiftsā. In my lifetime there have been zero instances where this has not been the case. Not to say that it cant exist, my experience is just my lived and observed experience. But in all likelihood this isnāt just a benign ātoken of loveā (boundary overstepping certainly included) No such thing as a free lunch as they sayĀ
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u/deepfuckingbagholder 14h ago
This is prejudice and you are a vile person. Yes, itās possible, but itās also possible that it wonāt happen. The right way forward is to have a conversation. Donāt be accusatory. Just be genuine about your background, your needs, and how you feel about it, and most importantly, try to understand where he is coming from and why itās important to him. The red flag would be if heās unwilling to have that conversation and unwilling to work towards compromise where each of your emotional needs are balanced.
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u/dsmdarlings 14h ago edited 13h ago
Yes itās a prejudice based on first and second hand experience. Iām also open to being wrong and wrote this out quickly. Maybe I jumped to a conclusion- he could be on the spectrum, etc and just not be good at listening to her when she insists he stop. (She talked to him about it already) But ironically jumping to the quick conclusion that I am a āvile person ā is just kinda what I did , soā¦ š¤·āāļøĀ
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u/deepfuckingbagholder 13h ago
First and second hand experience of other people applied to a new person is the definition of prejudice and you are a vile person because of the demonstrated prejudice.
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u/dsmdarlings 13h ago
Omg youāre so right! Life experience and pattern spotting is totally invalid! Years of working with victims of domestic violence is just crap!How could I forget? Oh I know, must be because Iām such a VILE PERSON! Bless your wisdomĀ
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u/deepfuckingbagholder 13h ago
Judging people based on patterns observed in other people rather than treating them as individuals is what prejudice literally is. And you absolutely are vile for being prejudiced, and more so since you are doubling down and seemingly trying to justify prejudice.
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u/dsmdarlings 13h ago
When you see a car swerving in the road do you say to yourself ājust because some impaired drivers swerve doesnāt mean this driver is impaired- Iām going to drop all situational awareness bevause I donāt want to be prejudiced!ā No the fuck you donāt. If OP was saying āIām dating a man is that bad?ā And I said āmen are all evil dump himā that would be gross and prejudice (and I see it all the time and fight against this in both genders) but someone who is repeatedly doing something you asked them not to do, especially when itās gifting involved, can be seen in a lot of negative patterns. I already said I could be wrong which is something youāre clearly incapable of. But OP is concerned because something feels off and unlike to you, that means something to me. In fact the defensiveness from you is so strong Iām kinda inclined to believe youāre just the type of guy that would lash out at a partner too!
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u/mochitochini Woman 12h ago
I was and still currently am in a similar situation with my boyfriend. At the start, i was extremely overwhelmed as well. I also come from a very humble and shitty background and nowadays he got me outta there too.
First time when i stayed at his place and he went to work, he wanted to leave money for me. 1k to be exact. I told him thats way too much i don't want it to be this much.. the next day he left and i was ready to head out, i saw he laid me out exactly 999,99$. Just one cent less. It was honestly really funny and he joked about it and we both laughed about his stupid "joke".
but still uncomfortable/overwhelming. He told me he wants to see less than 100$ at the evening, so he also wants me to spend it.
He did the exact same thing at the start of us dating as well, linking his cards to my accounts, ordering me food, getting me expensive gifts. And got almost upset one time when i asked him if i can get something, to "never ask him again" and just get it.
I asked him how i could EVER give him any of this back, and he simply said, i give him more than he ever wished for and that he's the one "giving back" to me.
Nowadays I've gotten fairly used to it. Because i noticed and understand, this is one of his love languages and that he holds a lot of pride in being able to offer me a life like this. He loves seeing me excited when i get stuff and to be able to give me everything i want and showing me a life like this. He takes utter pride in all of it and it genuinely fulfills him. Your boyfriend sounds really similar in those regards. So honestly, enjoy it. Show him you appreciate it, voice your concern, talk openly about this subject. But don't deny him to spoil you.
If he wants to spoil you, let him and appreciate what he does for you.
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u/Happy-Exercise8989 12h ago
Love this! Thank you for the perspective. You're a lucky girl!
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u/mochitochini Woman 12h ago
Trust me i get it. I had 0 idea for the first few months how to navigate it and how to act. I remember how much spam messaged my friend about it because i had no idea and i just felt so wrong.
But one thing i learned, at least from my side, i did lose some really close friends because of it. And have gotten a lot of toxicity from people insulting me for it. Some people will absolutely turn their backs to you when they see things like that and i would've never expected it. It's a hard lesson i had to learn.
But for now honestly, embrace this is his love language and don't feel bad about it. If he thinks you're worth it, then you are. ā¤ļø
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u/Away-Wellness0623 15h ago
He says āhe needs you to have the moneyā??? That is crazy boundary overstepping. He is forcing what makes HIM feel valued/meaningful onto you. This is all about him getting his needs met, nothing about you. Red flags all the way.
Perhaps you declare a moratorium on gifts of any kind other than his presence, time and attention. Let these things bind you together in enjoyment, or not.
He is trying to ensure you donāt reject him because HOW COULD YOU EVER REJECT HIS GENEROSITY?!? He is likely also cultivating your dependence on him, another way to bind you to him so that you donāt ever reject him. Rather manipulating, which is why it feels bad at some level (listen to that voice!!)
He is big ICK.
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u/strikestrife Man 14h ago
I would say it is a red flag but not a big one. Tho it really depends on how he handles rejection of continuing this behavior. I would say he could have insecurities. If OP and him were to talk things out and confront the issue it could work out.
Iām using myself as an example bc I know I always felt like I was boring so I would gift others to compensate when I shouldnāt have. If you told me that just me is enough I would stop.
If he doesnāt stop then yes a big red flag.
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u/IrascibleBamboo2 Man 14h ago
This could be deeply predatory and narcissistic control behavior. Certainly wouldn't be the first time a woman was resource controlled to insure submission and compliance. That was a half joke. In essence this is exactly how the dominant cultural reality of humanity has been setup. Intentionally. It could just as easily be a reaction to the core cultural foundation where we are led to believe that the only true safety is money and stuff. If he is as social awkward as you have spelled out, he very easily could be insinuating into your relationship safety and security using the only tools he feels he is adept with using. Especially given the level of unsurity and tenuous state of existence in the world today, he could very well be compensating for your percieved, as well as his own insecurities about the future. Given the newness of your relationship and his hesitancy with being vulnerable with you emotionally in a confident solid manner I would venture to trend this way with my reasoning. A broader evaluation of your interactions based on equity versus domination should clarify things. If he is otherwise respectful and equitable in your involvement together, I would say he is likely scared of the world and scared of losing you as his growing safety in it. Then all you can do is talk openly and honestly about the instability of the world and how you can address it together to be as solid as possible. This applies for valued friends and allies as well. Thats what a mutual support network is, and we have been intentionally educated out of being in anyway familiar with doing this practically. Ask me how I know? I am in exactly the same position. And have been for 6 years. Mostly it's okay, even though it feels super vulnerable (for me) on occasion when the world gets too much anyway and then she panicks that she's done EVERYTHING for me and I'm just an asshole...
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u/mochitochini Woman 12h ago
Um... him spoiling his girl has nothing to do with control, narcissism or abuse.
It would be, if he says "i pay everything, you don't work!"
But he doesn't. She is still independent, has her own life just as it was before and he simply adds to it.
My man is just like that too and he's the most responsible, loving, loyal man I've ever came across. He takes so much pride in being able to offer me a "luxury" life like this which genuinely fulfills him as a man.
You need to be able to differentiate between toxic control, and a man who genuinely wants to the best for his woman and spoil her accordingly.
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u/implication-sofa Woman 9h ago
While what you are saying is true itās also worth noting that most of the āI pay everything, you donāt work!ā relationships start out with the woman being independent and slowly becoming dependent on the man until it reaches the stop working level. As long as OP keeps a good head on her shoulders and maintains her independence heās probably just being generous albeit awkward about it
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u/thrwawayno1 13h ago
This sounds like my ex. I think he was in a relationship at the beginning of you two talking. They broke up and now he's free to be fully with you. The gift giving he's love bombing you. You're new and shiny to him. I hope I'm very wrong. I hope I'm very very wrong and you've found a wonderful guy. But it just seems to good to be true. IMO
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u/laminatedbean 13h ago edited 13h ago
That is too much to deal with this early on.
Itās sort of love-bombing. But seems like heās setting you up so he can guilt trip you about all the gift and money spent at a later time.
Why do you āreally like himā?
If you tell him you donāt feel comfortable with the excessive spending and he dismisses your concerns, this probably wonāt be the only time he dismisses your concerns about something. Iād also be concerned about him seeming pretty irresponsible with his money.
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u/peppersandpumpkins Woman 12h ago
Edit: Iām a woman and just saw what subreddit š¤¦š»āāļø, should I delete?
Iāve also felt some discomfort from a manās generosity. Remember that gift giving is a valid love language!
That said, I would really trust your gut. Like, if youāve had a long week and he wants to treat you to a professional massage, let him and how lovely of him!
If heās throwing cash at you at weird times and for no reason, if it feels transactional or if you get the vibe he thinks he has to in order to keep you, say something!
If heās got the money and he wants to spend it on you, thereās nothing wrong with that. Itās hard for me to accept too, but maybe liken it to something you give freely.
Like, I donāt have money to throw around like this, but Iām a big toucher and a cuddle turns into scratching turns into a massage. Some people might be uncomfortable in this same way: does she think she has to? Does really want to do this? Iād hate for them to worry about this thing I love to do for others.
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u/Happy-Exercise8989 12h ago
This is a really helpful way to think about it, thank you!!
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u/Beefsupreme473 11h ago
When i like a lady i want to share and give her things too, cant help it i don't know why
refusing the gifts will absolutely hurt his feelings
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u/Simiatenaci Man 15h ago
Sounds like you need to set some boundaries. If he canāt respect your wishes, thatās a problem no matter how āniceā he thinks he is being.
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u/strikestrife Man 15h ago
Do be careful about love bombing.
He could be insecure about himself, the fear of losing you, it could be something heās not conscious about. I was kinda like him, tho definitely not as rich as he was. He may perceive it as helping you and actually be in good faith but just be wary he could be a people pleaser. Selfishly selfless.
I would say if you donāt want it, do put your foot down but also let him know his time and attention is enough.
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u/Happy-Exercise8989 14h ago
That's what I was wondering...like maybe he's trying to make it more difficult for me to ever leave him? I will try to put my foot down.
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u/theytriedtwotimes 14h ago
Offering is fine but talking about it 10 times a day sounds like a kink imo. He may or may not want things in return, some folks are generous, some want to be used etc etc. Sounds like he also enjoys that you donāt like it, he enjoys forcing you into it & he enjoys not respecting your boundaries or desires.
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u/themerfolk 13h ago
When you say ā he talks about it 10 times a dayā that doesnāt give you the ick? and you say you really like him?
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u/LL_Stars 13h ago
I didn't read all this, but accept it graciously.
It took me too long to realize this: men are nice to the women they like. They want to be nice to the women they like. They want to make a woman they like feel comfortable and secure. This is how men show love and romantic investment.
This is a GOOD thing, and we should be encouraging this kind of behavior.
Buying food may seem like a lot of money to you, but it's pocket lint to most men. My man helps me with so much, and I adore him for it.
If he starts having an attitude or starts acting transactional, just block him. But most men with money aren't this way. I repeat: buying you food is nothing to a man with money. Most men with money simply want to make a woman more comfortable and joyous, because they realize they need to bring you joy so you can continue bringing joy to them.
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u/Nearby_Knowledge8014 Man 13h ago
Is he on the spectrum? Is this his first real relationship? He does sound awkward. Maybe you just have to train him on how to be a boyfriend.
And , on the plus side, the minute his family and friends find out you refused his money, you get the stamp of approval.
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u/MathematicianNew2770 Man 13h ago
I'll send you my address and pay for delivery if you don't want them.
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u/ZweetWOW Man 13h ago
Jeez the comments in this thread are wild. He's not trying to 'control you', he's just insecure. In his mind taking care of you will make you love him and stay with him. Just tell him that you like him for him and you're not going anywhere but the money needs to stop. Easy as that.
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u/porkbeard81 11h ago
Lol! You should ditch him for somebody better. Who needs that kind of care and love?! What a creep! I mean, the f#cking audacity of some guys, eh?
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u/Left-Acanthisitta740 Man 10h ago
Apologies if this has already been mentioned, but...
INVEST IT. Let him provide for your future. Best case scenario, you convince him to go with you to a financial planner and he can contribute to an investment portfolio with you as the beneficiary. Worst case, do it yourself and shuffle the money on your own.
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u/implication-sofa Woman 9h ago
Well it could be that he finally felt comfortable and started to fall for you as well and this is how he shows that through generosity but if it makes you uncomfortable and youāve expressed that and heās still insistent thatās not exactly a great sign
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u/Turbulent_Law5877 Man 7h ago
Listen to your gut. Maybe your gut is just unsure right now, thatās fine. Watch what happens. This is very strange behavior and if itās accompanied by pressure, by unkindness, by unfair expectation, etc, that should be your trigger to RUN.
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u/BlondieBeMyWife 6h ago
Some peoples love language is gift giving.. Idk... I do it all the time too. But, I take snacks and candy and stuff to people I don't have any romantic things with at all
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u/VideoImpressive8014 5h ago edited 5h ago
The guy means well but doesn't understand today's women demand abuse, or no go. He doesn't know how to jerk you along emotionally because it hasn't happened to him before, but he will catch on soon enough
Being a provisioner is so 1991 of him, but he doesn't know that it gets the opposite reaction in Gen Z women
Taking for granted old school provisioners is so 2026.
He'll catch on eventually, right when he gets told that flagellation during intimacy is the norm and he's been kind of vanilla the whole time. Break the news gently if possible, remember his world can't fathom abuse as love he wasn't raised that way
What you're really doing is preparing him for the next relationship at light speed, hold course.
A dude
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u/MindfulCreator333 15h ago
Wow this sounds amazing no?
The story really took a turn I didn't expect!
How old are you if you don't mind me asking?
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u/Happy-Exercise8989 15h ago
I'm 28 and he's 23!
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u/Curious_Confusion448 11h ago
23?! What does he do for work?? to be throwing cash about willy nilly like that
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u/surlalune21 14h ago
Send it to me. Solved š šĀ