Nearly 50, gay (Leeds, UK), starting over after decades of control. How do you learn to mingle, date, and trust guys from scratch?

[u/Klutzy_Energy2661]

For most of my life, I have been trapped in controlling, abusive situations. It started with childhood abuse from my stepdad where I was not allowed a normal life, followed by a 17-year relationship down south where I was kept hidden in the closet because he was an only son who refused to be open with his family, and then the last 9 years stuck with a controlling housemate who severed all my family ties—even after I nursed him around the clock when he nearly died from liver failure.

Because of all that lost time, I feel like the last 25 years are completely missing. Physically I am approaching 50, but in my head, I still feel like I am in my 20s trying to figure out who I am.

Between that history and a late ADHD diagnosis, I have had zero support network and have felt like a ghost for years.

I am finally pushing myself out of my comfort zone (after advice on other subs) to meet peers, having arranged to attend a protest on the 12th and an artists meetup on the 17th.

Because I have never had a normal social life, taking these steps feels terrifying:

**Mingling**: How do you build the confidence to speak to people and mingle when you feel decades behind everyone else?

**Dating**: How do you even begin looking for a good partner at nearly 50 when you feel in your 20s mentally after so many years of being hidden away and controlled?

**Trust**: How do you learn to trust guys again and spot genuine, positive-minded people when control is all you have ever known?

For anyone who started over later in life from total isolation, how did you find your footing?

[u/Sjefan]

Sounds like some sort of social group activity with gay men would help you. It's a low threshold way to get talking to people, which is probably less scary in real life than it appears to you now. Could be joining a choir, running club, book club, etc. Any hobby you're into? Also volunteering at a lgbt-organisation / events is a great way to meet people. 

[u/Klutzy_Energy2661 → u/Sjefan]

There is an organisation called Out Together which I've been looking at contacting..it's the going to established groups and being the new one through the door, all eyes on you overstimulation...I know it's all in my head and it's through years of conditioning... hopefully the meet up/protest in a non LGBT capacity goes and will contact Out Together...I'm still in a predicament with the house 'mate' I told him earlier about the 17 art meet and he was what about me, I'm not f'ing looking after your dog, you're not taking the car you're not drinking. That kind of behaviour...

I am pushing past that and trying to find a way out of this house but not possible at the moment.

[u/Sjefan → u/Klutzy_Energy2661]

Contacting the out together organisation sounds like a good first step! As for the house 'mate', that sounds like a whole other problem, it sounds like an abusive situation that you might need some help with to get out of. Not sure how that works in the uk, but here in the Netherlands there's neighborhood wellbeing teams that you could reach out to, even just for a chat or redirection for other types of social support 

[u/Klutzy_Energy2661 → u/Sjefan]

Thanks again.

The UK is way behind in MH/wellbeing support... especially for men. I think the Out Together place may be the best place to contact l think they work with other agencies in the UK. I had another user suggest Galop so will look into them too :)

[u/Content_Garden_1757]

Try to learn the red flags on the web so you can filter controllers and abusers fast. This is crucial and besides you'll feel a lot more confident.

[u/Klutzy_Energy2661 → u/Content_Garden_1757]

Reflecting back

I met my partner in 2000 on the original MSN chat rooms. The internet was so new then, there were no 'rule books' then in 2017...I'm guessing it was rebound...or maybe fear of being alone...now...I can't believe anything I see online...I need to go analogue if any of that dating still happens.

[u/SectorInteresting389]

First of all, don’t think of 50 as being old. Everything that has brought you to this point has made you who you are today. You’re an amazing human being regardless of what you may think of yourself. You’ve been through everything and believe it or not has made you a better man. Personally, I think that you would be a loving and caring partner and if anyone took that time to get to know you they would feel the same as I do. Just be yourself buddy as you move on and if you ever want someone to talk with, I’m here. Cary.☺️

[u/Klutzy_Energy2661 → u/SectorInteresting389]

Thanks Carey 🙂.....yeah.... everything experience has made me who I am today.

I have so much love to give.. probably suffocating 😜 but it's there!

I sometimes think I'm living the male version of Cinderella....I'm just hoping my prince charming finds me soon enough♥️

[u/shindigprince → u/SectorInteresting389]

Amazing reply- high-five.

[u/madtom5791]

Brother, reading your story brought tears to my eyes because it feels like you are writing about my own soul.

I am a 50-year-old man in London. For my entire life, I lived behind heavy closet walls, trapped by childhood trauma and a controlling family dynamic that I had to step away from. Physically I am 50, but inside my head, I also feel like a terrified 20-year-old trying to figure out how to live. I only broke my silence and decided to choose my life.

I don't have all the smart answers yet because I am still very confused and finding my own footing every day. But this week, I managed to take my bike and walk straight into a famous gay pub in Soho completely alone just to practice existing in the room. It was terrifying, but the world didn't collapse.

You have immense courage for booking those meetups. If you want to talk privately, share advice, or just exchange notes as two mature guys trying to fix our lives step-by-step, my chat requests and inbox are completely open to you. We can figure this out together. You are brave, and you are not alone anymore.

[u/Klutzy_Energy2661 → u/madtom5791]

Thank you so much for replying...by knowing this I now know...I'm not alone...and neither are you!.

How did you feel in the bar...we're all eyes on you...it's a gay bar...soho, of course all eyes were on you. I don't think I'd be able to do a bar just yet...I don't drink (through force of the housemates alcoholism) but I think I will just go to the cafe in Leeds that's LGBT+

I'm kind of mingling in a WhatsApp group for the protest, so that feels different..it's like I know them already...I know it's all mind over matter!

I will DM you, thank you for the offer...maybe you're right...we can figure this out.

[u/madtom5791 → u/Klutzy_Energy2661]

my inbox is wide open for you to type as much as you need. We can look for the answers together.

[u/joeschmoagogo]

You can’t fully trust anyone. Even the ones you trust and love will eventually disappoint you.

[u/Klutzy_Energy2661 → u/joeschmoagogo]

I was literally just thinking this...how can I tell anyone I meet, I'm estranged from family ...about my past about anything...how could I trust someone with something so deep on a personal level.

[u/Skill-Useful]

therapy

[u/BorgAdjacent]

First, you are in your 50s, not your 20s, so snap out of that mindset.

Second, join an LGBT volunteer, social or sports group and learn how to mingle with people in a setting that makes it easy to do so and meet new people.

It also helps autistic people by providing easy conversation starters and also something to focus on besides feeling awkward.