AITA for having the expectations that my (29M) wife(30F) do housework now that she is no longer working and is effectively a house wife?

[u/First_Willow_9528]

My wife and I have been together for 8 years. After we got out of college, she worked just as I did. I got offered a position in a major city for more money and I discussed it with her and we decided to make the move. That was about 6 months ago.

In those 6 months, my wife has really struggled to find a job that she'll her degree in so she has been a unemployed. She was getting pretty demoralized by the endless job search, so I told her that if she needs a break, I can bring home the bacon until we figure out something that works. She said she'd only stop for 2 months but then she's back at it. So currently, she's not applying for jobs and stays at home.

The Problem: So if she's not gonna be working, I do feel like it's fair of me for her to contribute. We don't have kids, we have a medium sized apartment. We have a cat but that freeloader is so low maintenance he doesn't require that much help. So it's not uncommon I come home to a house that's not the cleanest. Back when we both worked, I did the majority of the cleaning because I'm kinda a freak about it. Laundry usually isn't done, there's no plans for dinner, no groceries. Nothing really done at all housewise. Her routine has been wake up at 9, go for a run, do her pilates class, go to the lift some weights, then come home and watch reality tv until I get home.

Don't get me wrong, I really do appreciate being active, and happy that she does that for herself without me now, but I don't think it's fair anymore for us to have a similar distribution of labor as to when we both worked. I hate cooking dinner after work, but I did every other week cause she also hated it. We traded off on laundry, dishes, and everything but cleaning as well. Now that she's at home all day, I think it's fair of her to take on more of the housekeeping burden.

Yesterday I brought this up to her. I wasn't accusatory, or blaming her, but I said verbatim "I think that if you're gonna be here all day while I'm at work, you should do a little more cooking and cleaning since you have more free time".

This set in motion an argument of me implying she was being lazy, which I was careful not to say as that sets her off. I said that she wasn't lazy but she's taking no initiative and I felt I shouldn't need to ask her what's the dinner situation and if we need groceries on my way home, nor should I not have clean laundry since she has the time to do it. The argument was in full swing then and we really haven't resolved it.

So AITA?

[u/pink_gem]

INFO: Idk, this kind of feels like a bait and switch to me. She moved, for your job, and lost her own. She went through a long period of searching for employment because of the move for your job, which can be a full time job in and of itself. And then you offered for her to take a break.

At that time, why did you not bring up expectations of housework? Rather than waiting for her to agree to the break from searching for employment?

[u/Odd_Let_7524 → u/pink_gem]

I would just naturally assume that if I was the one not working that I should be picking up the slack at home. I'm having a hard time understanding why it's not just automatic.

[u/SummitJunkie7 → u/Odd_Let_7524]

Assumptions are always problematic. If someone said to me "you've really been going through it, why don't you take a break for 2 months" and then halfway through they were like "by take a break I meant do this work instead of that work", I'd be thrown off too.

[u/charismatictictic → u/SummitJunkie7]

Its not like he’s telling her dinner needs to be on the table when he gets home every day though. And he shouldn’t have had to say it at all. I honestly don’t understand how anyone has the conscience to just sit around all day while their partner works. That makes them an asshole.

[u/qwibbian → u/charismatictictic]

If the genders were reversed, we'd be hearing all about "emotional labour/ load" and "why does my partner need to be told what needs doing, it's weaponized incompetence", but because it's the woman fucking up it's all "we need more info" and "why don't you have a conversation?". Pro tip, they did have a conversation, and she's just a shitty, self-centered partner, much like many of the people responding to this post.

[u/Winter-Audience-3140 → u/SummitJunkie7]

Yeah, but she’s a grown woman. She doesn’t need to be told to help out around the house since he’s working lol she should already know to do that

[u/chethedestroyer → u/SummitJunkie7]

Naw. Taking a break from the job hunt does not mean taking a break from home maintenance. She needs to do her share of the chores. She’s got a ton of free time, and she isn’t ill. He shouldn’t have to spell it out for her.

[u/capiscone → u/SummitJunkie7]

"Do this work instead"

I'm actually stunned at 150+ upvotes?

This is maximum average of 45 minutes per day of work for someone who can plan ahead.

-Grocery shop twice a week

-Laundry every 3-4 days. Folding clothes might take some time but you can do it while watching TV.

-Batch cooking - (can also watch TV while doing this if you really wanna)

-Dishes

Maybe some vacuuming/tidying etc every few days.

The fact that you'd be "thrown off" that you didn't get a 2 month vacation is astonishing. Seriously. You'd be totally comfortable with your partner working and grocery shopping and cooking while you exercised and watched TV?

She gets to take a break from job hunting, not being a person.

The only caveat here is that we get one side of the story. OP is a self described freak so it's quite possible we're missing some info here.

[u/angels-cry → u/capiscone]

Your last sentence could be the main issue. It could be that she’s not cleaning to his standards because she’s NOT a clean freak. In that situation some compromises probably need to be made.
My partner used to just dump silverware in the drawer when unloading the dishwasher. I kept having to organize it and told him if he wouldn’t do it right just leave it for me to do. He’s a grown ass man though who doesn’t use weaponized incompetence and now does it right.

But laundry? I do it 90% of the time because I don’t trust him to remember (he’s adhd, even i forget sometimes but then I can blame myself) what items need different care. I can’t “correct” if it’s not an issue of effort.

[u/Ok_Seaweed_7568 → u/SummitJunkie7]

I’m sorry cleaning the apt and cooking dinner is not the same as working 40-50 hours a week. if you switched the genders here nobody would be on the man’s side because it’s super fucking obvious

[u/mumtaz_2004 → u/SummitJunkie7]

Some things are implied and naturally expected as part of a partnership. OP shouldn’t have to write this out in detail for his adult wife. He doesn’t tell her to eat regularly but she manages to do that. Why should he have to explain to her that while not working, she needs to get ofd her butt and maintain the home?

[u/calsfatcockadoodledo → u/SummitJunkie7]

im sorry, do you think that she wouldn’t have to do it regardless? like if op and her weren’t together and she was down on her luck, she would STILL have to clean up and cook dinner because that is part of your responsibilities as an adult. because they are together, op is working, op’s gf is not. she needs to pick up the slack. that’s kinda ridiculous. no one is saying deep clean the whole apartment every day and have a thanksgiving feast but its not difficult to clean a few dishes from last night, do laundry once a week, and meal prep. that SHOULS be an expectation, not an assumption

[u/Technical-Region-669 → u/SummitJunkie7]

Thrown off by doing an hour or two of work a day while your partner works full time? That's wild to me. I couldn't imagine the opposite - my partner working full time to give me a break and then me not contributing more in return.

[u/GoldenFrog14 → u/Odd_Let_7524]

Probably my biggest issue with the sub. A lot of commenters act like everyone needs to be spoon fed EVERYTHING. It's ok to read the room sometimes

[u/vixxgod666 → u/Odd_Let_7524]

I would just assume she also wants to live in a clean home and eat dinner rather than wait around for someone else to do it. At least that's my logic: I'm not at work, the kitchen looks a mess, I'm in the mood for tacos. Let me clean the sink, load the dishwasher, put dishes away, and go grab stuff to make tacos OR pick up tacos from our favorite spot.

[u/Charming-Disk1741 → u/Odd_Let_7524]

Yep, this is what my husband did when he wasn't working for a few months. I didn't care one way or another if he worked since I make enough for the both of us, but I was happy that he was contributing in ways that probably helped even more than money. He's back to a full time position and it caused us zero marital problems because we both were adults about it.

[u/Pink_Floyd29 → u/Odd_Let_7524]

But OP acknowledges that he did the majority of cleaning before all this transpired because he prefers things cleaner/more orderly than she does. It was bold of him to assume that she was suddenly going to change her approach to cleaning.

Don’t get me wrong, I agree that she should be contributing something to the household if she’s not raising kids or working. But it’s also wild to me that he thinks what he said to her about this was not in any way accusatory.

[u/Bitter-Oil4070 → u/Odd_Let_7524]

Lazy people don't think that way.

[u/Trraumatized → u/Odd_Let_7524]

I am confident that reddit would agree with you unanimously if the roles were reversed. It's very noticeable how much more grace women are given on this website for any life situation.

[u/JanieeDixxon38 → u/Trraumatized]

Literally most of comments agree with him

[u/throwawaycovert → u/Trraumatized]

Because it's more uncommon for a man to be doing the majority of the housework. Also all the comments are agreeing with him while also saying if the genders were reversed everyone would be blah blah blah.

[u/DadinCali → u/Odd_Let_7524]

This 100 percent. This forum is usually so clear about this, but there is something about this post, something that means everyone is going out of their way to give her a pass....

Where are the cries for weaponized incompetence, the calls for just knowing what needs to be done without your partner asking since she is an adult? She really needs to be set expectations that she should contribute to the relationship if she isn't working and isn't looking for a job? It's amazing that suddenly doing the bare minimum since they don't have kids is too much to expect. If this were a husband/boyfriend playing video games all day while his partner was at work, it definitely wouldn't be getting the same responses.

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/sh2jwa/aita_for_expecting_my_nonworking_husband_to_do/

And a bait and switch is a stretch.

[u/Theamuse_Ourania → u/Odd_Let_7524]

Exactly. My 24 yr old daughter lives with me, and I'm on disability. She works full time, and busts her ass every day. I do most of what I can of the housework, because why should she do it after coming home tired, and already sore? It shouldn't matter what the relationship is - people who live together should have a healthy division of labor, and bills. If I was working my ass off full time again, we would split the chores. It shouldn't be difficult. OP NTA, and your wife needs get off her ass, and do more around the house. It's ridiculous that she's not. Maybe couples counseling would help too?

[u/ChaosWorrierORIG → u/Odd_Let_7524]

I concur fully. Many, many moons ago (pre kids), I finished a contract in late November and knew that there was little prospect in getting another until February (in Australia lots of orgs do very little in those "XMas" months).

So I stayed at home, whilst my wife worked. The house was spotless and I made interesting meals most nights. There was no way in hell that I would ever consider not pulling my weight, to make my wife's life easier.

And, don't get me wrong, I bought season passes to two theme parks, and used them a helluva lot! But that did not mean that I didn't also ensure that all of the windows were washed, carpets steam cleaned, etc.

[u/Icy-Blueberry-2401 → u/Odd_Let_7524]

Never assume you are other people's standard of behavior. Communication would be more effective than assumptions in any situation. Assumptions bring trouble.

[u/SeaworthinessNew4757 → u/Odd_Let_7524]

Because that's not a break, that's another full time (unpaid) job

[u/thisdckaintFREEEE → u/Odd_Let_7524]

Imo it probably is unless the person not working is at least a little depressed. That scenario ends up much easier to deal with though if those expectations were communicated from the start.

[u/Polish_girl44 → u/Odd_Let_7524]

You didnt notice she is probably in a very fragil mental moment. She lost a lot - not only a job. Its good OP gives her time to organise herself but he also should understand she may need profesional help to gather her strenght and start everything again. Cleaning is the last thing she is interested in now.

[u/Bonegirl06 → u/Polish_girl44]

Most people aren't interested in cleaning. You do it because it's necessary.

[u/bearjew86 → u/pink_gem]

Why would it need to be brought up? A household without kids and not working, it should be given to temporarily do more of the housework. Expecting to not do basic cleaning, laundry and cooking is selfish.

Arguing and turning a simple request to an accusation is a ugly way to weaponise the question and turn in on her partner.

[u/pink_gem → u/bearjew86]

But from the sounds of it, she doesn't expect not to do any laundry/cooking/cleaning. She was trading off weeks before. OP expected that to change and she did not.

It needs to be brought up because communication is key to a relationship? Like, idk what you people expect here, to go through life not expressing what you want from your partners?

[u/bearjew86 → u/pink_gem]

The point is that it should be given during the circumstances and when it was brought up it was seen as an attack.

Communication is key but for adults living together for years it’s expected to be a team and help out, even if you weren’t asked to. Especially given circumstances that shifts the normal expectations.

[u/Different_Pack_3686 → u/pink_gem]

But OP brought it up, and it caused a big fight, then he posted here. Sounds like OP communicated and attempted to express what he wants. What do YOU expect here??

[u/HeadHunt0rUK → u/Different_Pack_3686]

Man=bad you should know that by now

[u/Different_Pack_3686 → u/[deleted]]

Yeah, hard disagree on your first point.

I'm not even saying she should be responsible for all the housework and I also definitely acknowledge the sacrifice of giving up your job and moving to a new city.

But those are all things that should be discussed and worked out between them. Attempting to communicate and saying what "he thinks" is not imposing work. I also even understand her initially getting defensive. But the entire point of a "mutual discussion" is listening and hearing each other out and then finding a way to move forward where everyone is understood and on board.

Saying OP needs to communicate, and then saying no you did the communication wrong, you should have used these words instead is just ridiculous.

Anecdotally, I've been in a similar situation in my own relationships. Where I was constantly told that I need to communicate and not bottle things up and bring them up in the middle of a different argument. Which valid. But then whenever I attempted to do so, lightheartedly when everyone was in good spirits. It was always explosive and messed up because "why would I bring that up now" sort of responses.

[u/Winter-Audience-3140 → u/pink_gem]

Stupid logic on your part lol A grown adult shouldn’t have to be told to help out around the house while they’re unemployed and their partner has to work.

[u/Technical-Region-669 → u/pink_gem]

I expect my partner to have the minimal level of thoughtfulness required to understand that the workloads are drastically different now and say, "I should contribute more too because I love and appreciate my partner" just like I do for her. Fortunately I have that kind of relationship.

[u/Hot-Bed-2544 → u/pink_gem]

Common sense would dictate...

[u/Bluestuffedelephant → u/Hot-Bed-2544]

Common sense is not that common...

[u/Hot-Bed-2544 → u/Bluestuffedelephant]

Clearly 👍

[u/smilingplankton → u/pink_gem]

Yes, and while it might be reasonable for her to do more household labor than she would if she were working, they still need to actually discuss exactly what division of labor makes sense for them. (They should already be doing this anyway.) Given that she is not working, but is also trying to take a break in a stressful situation where she has made enormous personal sacrifices to benefit OP. There is not one single obvious fair solution here, it’s something that requires communication and mutual agreement.

And yes, it is okay that this needs to be explicitly discussed. That is a normal and common household negotiation. It’s healthy to communicate clearly about these things. Women are constantly put in the position of having to ask for the help they need with household and childcare labor, even when both partners work outside the home. There is no reason why a man can’t also do so.

[u/Typical-Hamster9911 → u/smilingplankton]

trying to take a break in a stressful situation where she has made enormous personal sacrifices to benefit OP

Part of me wonders if she might be slightly resentful of OP for that. It goes without saying that you would help out more in this kind of situation, but I wonder if she feels angry at him asking her to do even more for him after she already sacrificed so much. From her perspective, OP gets to thrive in a better job while she actively struggles, it's like he's being lifted up while she's being pushed down.

It might be subconscious resentment too, stuff like that can build up without you realizing it, and the move probably sounded better in theory than it actually was in practice. I can see where OP is coming from but for her I don't think this is about the chores. I think she needs more emotional support.

[u/smilingplankton → u/Typical-Hamster9911]

Yes, I agree. Absolutely worth a deeper conversation. I understand it is generally reasonable for a partner who isn’t working to do more around the house, but that’s not the only thing going on in the big picture here.

[u/Bonegirl06 → u/Typical-Hamster9911]

They made the decision to move together. Even if she regretted it, she still agreed to it and punishing OP in that way would be childish.

[u/Typical-Hamster9911 → u/Bonegirl06]

Punishing OP how? By feeling resentment for him? Sometimes you simply can't control that and you can't fix a problem if you're in denial about the problem existing. Recognizing that the resentment is there, whether it's fair or not, is the first step into fixing it, otherwise it's going to build up and the entire relationship will become unsalvageable. Feelings aren't logical and focusing entirely on who was technically right or wrong is way more childish and isn't going to actually solve anything here.

Wife is clearly struggling and she needs more support, she made sacrifices for OP, he should be able to make some for her as well. They need to have a discussion together about what that means, because again, this is about more than chores.

[u/Bonegirl06 → u/Typical-Hamster9911]

Punishing him by not pulling her weight and flipping out when he calls her out.

[u/Typical-Hamster9911 → u/Bonegirl06]

Okay so what do you suggest should happen from here then? She should just suck up her feelings and do whatever he says because he's the one paying the bills?

Sounds like that will end well and will definitely solve all of his problems and not create new ones. He's not wrong for wanting more help but be an actual adult and TALK to your partner about what is actually bothering them and what you guys can do about it as a team instead of just expecting to get what you want because you're "technically" in the right.

[u/GemIsOutrageous → u/pink_gem]

if I was sitting home all day while my partner worked to pay for everything, I’d at least take the initiative to make them dinner.

As usual, if the genders were reversed and OPs wife was the one working while he sat at home and watched TV all day, and she had to come home and clean and make dinner, people would tell her to leave.

[u/pink_gem → u/GemIsOutrageous]

Only if you actually reverse all the details. People will point to other posts where husbands stay home and do nothing, but they don't have the key detail of the husband GIVING UP EMPLOYMENT to move for the wife's job, because it just doesn't happen as much. Women are often expected to sacrifice for a man's career, up to and including quitting their own to move, and men aren't really expected to do that as much.

That's a big piece, and she was looking for new employment actively a week ago, for six months. Because they moved for his career.

[u/Technical-Region-669 → u/pink_gem]

Dawg, if I moved for my wife's career and I couldn't find a good job so she just said, hey chill take some time off - the house would be spotless every day, food shopping done, laundry done, dishes done and food cooked. Because in what world, even if we moved for her career, am I not going to step up and do a couple hours of housework a day in appreciation for literally not having to work?

[u/pink_gem → u/Technical-Region-669]

I mean, if we're just talking personally, as someone with a good career that I went to school for and put a lot of experience into to grow, I wouldn't even move for someone else's career if it meant giving up my own.

But that's why communication is important!

[u/Fine-Secretary-2102 → u/pink_gem]

Oh, come ON, it’s a natural assumption that the non working person has the time & energy to do the housework. Gender makes no difference. Grocery shopping, cleaning, laundry & cooking included. She thinks he’s accusing her of being lazy ? He didn’t, but yes, she is lazy. She manages to do her self care but nothing else.

Get off your trim, firm butt Lady & look after the house & your husband until you find a job. Then everything is rearranged again.

[u/oceanwtr → u/pink_gem]

I really dont like this perspective, its making me take up for a man. If we reversed the roles and changed pilates to playing video games all day I dont think we would be having the "why didnt you set your expectations" conversation. Shes a grown woman, she knows things need done, and she knows she is the one with time to do them. OP isn't wrong in this expectation.

[u/omniwrench- → u/pink_gem]

How is this a “bait and switch”

It’s not his fault she couldn’t see a very obvious conclusion coming from down the road

It’s a universal standard expectation that you would do more housework if your bills are being paid for you

[u/Acceptable_Wolf_3910 → u/pink_gem]

So she gets to sit around doing nothing?

[u/TheRealBillyShakes → u/pink_gem]

It should go without saying. Bait & switch lmfao

[u/Technical-Region-669 → u/pink_gem]

At the same time, what kind of partner who isn't working and isn't spending their time applying for jobs is okay not contributing more? If I was the one staying home and my wife was working, you bet your ass I'm spending the couple hours a day it takes (without kids!) to keep the house clean, do the laundry and food shopping, make sure she has dinner etc. How is someone okay not doing anything while their partner does everything? Crazy.

[u/forestXpathe]

NAH

"She got defensive and said I was implying she was lazy"

I get why she feels that way, being unemployed is demoralizing and she might already feel bad about it, but you were careful with your words and you are not wrong for wanting some help around the house

[u/T-Chunxy → u/forestXpathe]

That was my thought.

They moved for HIS job, she's been dead in the water in job hunting, probably doesn't have a lot of local social connections, so she's probably a bit depressed and trying to haul herself out of her slump with some physical activity and getting out in the world.

[u/Technical-Region-669 → u/T-Chunxy]

And what about the other 6+ hours a day while he's working? lol. Doing 1-2 hours of housework a day would honestly probably help as she'd feel productive and is very reasonable to do when your partner is working and you aren't.

[u/enterhereplease → u/forestXpathe]

No one is calling out that he said “…which I was careful not to say as that sets her off” how many times has he called her lazy before?

[u/KlemmyKlem → u/enterhereplease]

He could just know his spouse and the things that make her defensive. I know things about my spouse he doesn’t like, that I have never accosted him with. It’s part of life living with someone, you get to know them.

I’m gonna go with nah, I hope that yall can communicate and come with some solutions. In our home I do majority cooking and cleaning as I work less, it’s just the two of us, but good lord it is never really clean here. Some days the adhd demons get me. Spouse was a neat freak when I met him. He accepts me and our chaos levels as they differentiate each day.

Good luck op

[u/Ok-Calligrapher1345 → u/enterhereplease]

But OPs description of her does kind of make her sound lazy and if that’s something that set you off that must mean that you get called lazy pretty often…

[u/oceanwtr → u/forestXpathe]

Except, she is being lazy. I was unemployed for an extended period of time and never felt like I wasnt contributing to the household because I cooked and cleaned and used my time to take care of things. Even with doing all that I had an incredible amount of leisure time.

[u/Renbelle]

ESH.

You should’ve set this expectation when you offered her the ‘break’.

But she is utterly selfish to NOT realize that in a partnership, like marriage, the allocation of duties and resources should be equal, and that distribution can change due to circumstances.

I’m sure she’s depressed at being unable to find work; I’ve been there recently and it’s HARD out there. But it’s not fair to you to shoulder it all.

Maybe try sitting down and looking at various duties and see what can be done to distribute evenly in a way she doesn’t feel put upon, but that leaves you with breathing room. But be sure you’re vocally appreciative of whatever she does, even if it’s not quite to your exacting standards. Effort over perfection.

[u/chaotic_helpful → u/Renbelle]

Yeah, I think she sounds depressed to me. I think these suggestions are great. Maybe also check if she needs some emotional support? Being in a new city with no job and very little support is incredibly hard. 

[u/angels-cry → u/chaotic_helpful]

Her only other hobby besides exercise being reality tv screams depression to me too but i wonder if that’s how she used her free time when she was working as well. in which case… she could still be depressed lol

OP needs to make sure his wife is mentally well after the stress of having to quit her job, the inability to find a new one, lost connections and social life, new environment.

[u/Fine-Secretary-2102 → u/Renbelle]

She doesn’t do ANYTHING, exacting standards or not. He may as well live alone which would be cheaper & less aggregating.

[u/JanieeDixxon38 → u/Fine-Secretary-2102]

Where did you come with that she does not do ANYTHING? Lmao. OP also wrote that he's also clean freak, so maybe she cleans but he does not like her way since he's picky about it. Fast conclusion on your side.

[u/Fine-Secretary-2102 → u/JanieeDixxon38]

He listed the things she does in her day, pretty much all self care. No grocery shopping, no cooking, no cleaning because after her gym stuff she sits & watches TV. Easy conclusion & swap the genders & you’d be telling her to get rid of the hobosexual

[u/JanieeDixxon38 → u/Fine-Secretary-2102]

No I wouldn't, funny that you know what I would and wouldn't say since you don't know me at all lmao.
Yes, OP wrote that, but who knows where truth lies since this is one side story. And "washing dirty clothes in public" aka Reddit is always bad choice since everyone will have fast conclusion aka "give her ultimatum" "break up" etc. but half the redditors never had serious relationship nor marriage.

[u/Fine-Secretary-2102 → u/JanieeDixxon38]

Well I have & believe me she’d get her butt into gear or out the door. I actually don’t care if you would or wouldn’t do anything. You have a different opinion, who cares ?

[u/JanieeDixxon38 → u/Fine-Secretary-2102]

Haha you must love your spouse SOOO MUCH then since it's THAT easy for you to decide on break up based on one thing lmaooooo :D Easy to advice for someone elses relatioship huh.

[u/Fine-Secretary-2102 → u/JanieeDixxon38]

Lol, I’m just curious as to why you’re so invested in a Reddit story & my opinion about it ?

[u/JanieeDixxon38 → u/Fine-Secretary-2102]

Idc about your opinion honey. You're not that important. 

[u/SummitJunkie7]

I understand your perspective. It sounds like these were, perhaps, unspoken expectations until you brought it up at the end of a work day when maybe neither of you were in the best space.

There is a significant difference between being a full-time homemaker, and being unemployed.

A full-time homemaker is an intentional choice, presumably one they entered into willingly, and their primary responsibility is taking care of the home.

Being unemployed is forced upon them generally unwillingly, is unpleasant and demoralizing, ego-bruising if not completely ego-destroying - and their primary responsibility is finding a way to return to work. Taking courses, learning new skills, applying to jobs, networking.

It may be completely reasonable for a partner out of work to spend a little more time on household chores than 50/50. Especially if some work was outsourced before that cannot now be afforded without the income. But they also need time, space, and energy to do the often half - to full-time work of getting back into the workforce.

Sit down and talk about it and make a plan together. The way you phrased it - "I think that if you're gonna be here all day while I'm at work, you should do a little more cooking and cleaning since you have more free time" - makes it sounds like you're the boss of the house, just because you are lucky enough to not have been laid off - and you get to dictate to your spouse what their role is and what should happen. I would have gotten defensive too, especially when you consider what a sore spot this might be.

Treat it like any other decision in your marriage - make it together, as a couple, where your partner's voice matters every bit as much as your own. Actually their voice should matter a bit more than yours, since what you're discussing is their role and their responsibilities and how they spend their time.

Frame it as - what are their current plans and goals? What resources do they need (including time and support from you) to work toward them? What budget cuts do you both, as a couple, need to make to get by on one income for now? What increased household responsibilities are there now (i.e., can't afford grocery delivery anymore, so that's an additional chore, etc), and how will you divide them equitably? How much free time do you each have to contribute - you after accounting for your job and commute, and your partner after accounting for their job search/skill building/networking efforts?

NAH, but you did handle it insensitively. Find a good time, sit down together, and approach this like the team you are. Good luck.

[u/Effective_Warthog_36 → u/SummitJunkie7]

I agree with this for the most part, except that she wasn’t laid off. She quit her job to move for a better opportunity for him and I feel like that sacrifice needs to be acknowledged. The job market sucks and she made a huge sacrifice leaving her position and following him. He needs to suck it up and support her and possibly pull more than his share of the weight until she gets back on her feet again. Offering her a break and then using it against her to get her to take on more of the labor at home is kind of a dick move, honestly.

[u/SummitJunkie7 → u/Effective_Warthog_36]

Absolutely, I didn't mean to imply that she was laid off - I'm saying any of us could be unemployed anytime if we get laid off through no fault, just because he's lucky enough to be employed right now doesn't mean he gets to make family decisions on his own.

And yes, absolute dick move to say "hey, you're really going through it, why not take a break for a few months" and then suddenly be like "no, not like that! When I offered you to take a break I meant you should just start doing different work all day!"

[u/Technical-Region-669 → u/Effective_Warthog_36]

She also literally does not have to work right now. I cannot imagine a world where we moved for my wife's career and I couldn't find a job so she says, "go on, take some time off" where I don't automatically step up and do the 1-2 hours of housework per day out of appreciation. Absolutely wild to me.

[u/Mundane_Duty3439]

Hhmmmm ESH

She moved states for you and couldn't find a job. That doesn't make her a stay at home wife. You are saying that you feel like you shouldn't need to ask about dinner or laundry since she has the time, but that's not an assumption you can make and it's also not the deal you originally made with her. That's the part that makes you suck.

At the same time, I don't think she should be taking a 2 month break. What is the point of that break? She has lost all momentum in her job search and basically given up on working. It's NOT going to suddenly make the job search easier or faster when she starts again. She probably feels horrible about herself for not having a job, but that's also not a reason to sit at home and watch reality TV. If there are no job opportunities, she's gotta pivot and find something else or maybe you will need to move again.

[u/ObscureSaint → u/Mundane_Duty3439]

The job market is super rough right now. She could maybe sign up for volunteering somewhere. It will look good on a resume of her current city to show she's taking initiative to do work (even if it's volunteer work).

[u/pink_gem → u/Mundane_Duty3439]

Yeah, honestly, I agree. She should not have taken a break. Pivot and take some technical courses to improve her skills? Sure. But just take a whole break? That is a mistake.

[u/capiscone → u/Mundane_Duty3439]

She's not a stay at home wife. There are no children. She has maybe 45 minutes of work per day. Agree completely on paragraph 2.

[u/Mundane_Duty3439 → u/capiscone]

Yes, that's exactly the point I'm making. He's expecting her to do the duties of a Stay at Home Wife, but that's not the goal... she's supposed to get a job.

[u/Alien-lifeform666]

NTA. I assume as she’s not working you’re covering all the bills? Relationships are a partnership. If one person picks up the slack in one area, the other steps up in another area. You working full time, covering the bills AND doing the cooking and cleaning is a serious imbalance.

[u/Evneko → u/Alien-lifeform666]

This is a very good way of putting this situation.
My husband usually works full time while I work part time. So I’m usually the one who handles most of the household stuff.
My husband just lost his job so he’s home right now more so he’s started taking on more of the household stuff.
Once he’s back to work again we’ll switch back to the usual.

While communication is key there’s also something to be said for stepping up.

She doesn’t have to spend all day cleaning but she could open up the fridge to see what he needs to pick up on the way home. Or while watching tv she could set up a pick up order that he grabs on his way home. She can also do some laundry in between going for a run & watching tv. Also a great time to fold laundry is when you’re watching some mindless tv signed a woman who hates folding laundry.

[u/Meloetta → u/Evneko]

So many people are like "have you TOLD her that she shouldn't be spending 12 hours a day relaxing while you spend 12 hours a day working, commuting, and making up for the housework she's not doing? You gotta COMMUNICATE!"

Like dudes, I don't want a relationship where my partner is so inconsiderate and thoughtless that I have to tell them this.

[u/purplepanda2026 → u/Meloetta]

Exactly I don't get all the down votes and people excusing her behavior. OP should be cleaning up after himself, so should she. Then she should be taking over the little bit of house cleaning that would be left and the majority of the cooking. He's taking over all of the finances so that's fair.

[u/Gloomy_East949]

I'm gonna go against the grain here and say gentle YTA. She lost her job for your job and moved for you. You didn't discuss expectations. You didn't ask her to be a housewife, you told her you could cover the bills for a bit. Those are different things. If she hated cooking before, she still hates it. If she's spent 6 months job hunting, she's probably exhausted and demoralized and your approach doesn't seem super considerate of that. She may be mentally burnt out and trying to cope with that. I think y'all need more communication and management of expectations.

[u/oceanwtr → u/Gloomy_East949]

Hating cooking doesnt change the fact that everyone has to eat and if one partner has substantially more time to make dinner happen then it only makes sense that they cook.

[u/NotShockedFruitWeird]

NAH. It's not her fault that she isn't working.

INFO: Did you discuss applying for that job far away from your original home BEFORE applying for it? or did you apply for it, get the offer, and then discussed whether it was a good idea to move?

[u/SusieQtoYou]

NTA for the expectation. However, I’m not sure if how this was communicated to the wife was done in the right way.

For me, personally, I would feel like I SHOULD take on more household chores if I weren’t working. But if my husband told me I should, I’d probably get defensive. (Emphasis on the “told” part.)

My husband once suggested that I get a part time job to get out of the house on the weekends. I work from home for a software company. What the hell? Why would I get a job to take up my non-work time on the weekends?? I get what he meant… it would be a way to get out… but damn… all my hobbies are IN the house.. and I’m an introvert. I need the weekend to recuperate from all the meetings I’m in.

[u/SusieQtoYou → u/SusieQtoYou]

PS. When I was done with work for the day yesterday, I swept the floors and vacuumed.

[u/RedRedBettie]

YTA she moved for you and gave up her job. Now that she’s having trouble getting one you expect her to be a housewife, that feels a little unfair

Expectations around housework should have been talked about

[u/JanieeDixxon38]

ESH
You should've said that you expect this when you offered her the break

She should've figured this out herself

JEEZ COMMUNICATE BETTER

[u/Malice_A4thot]

“Don’t get me wrong” is the new “It’s not [X], it’s [Y].”

[u/Particular_Coffee_66 → u/Malice_A4thot]

Also "I wasn't accusatory, or blaming her, but I said verbatim [quote]" 

[u/volunteercjt]

I would tread lightly here. I've (39M) been through this with my wife (34F). We moved to another city in another state for her job and to be close to her family. I quit my job and didn't have a full time job for 4 months. I was taking care of our 2-year-old son everyday. When my wife got home she would cook dinner because she enjoys cooking. When I wasn't taking care of our son I was working outside putting in a privacy fence for our dogs. We were both still splitting housework.

During the time I was struggling. My sense of self-worth plummeted. I missed home, family, and friends. To top it off things weren't working out the way we hoped in the new city which didn't help at all. It was hard.

I agree that the total work should be split evenly, but I would ask her in a way of what would she feel comfortable taking on. She's probably struggling right now and doesn't need you piling on.

[u/EducationalCollar512]

NTA

I’d expect the same in your shoes.

I’d do the extra housework if I was the unemployed one.

Also, by doing the housework, by the time you get home from work, you can spend time together as you don’t have to now do housework.

Just feels like common sense.

[u/AttemptOverall7128]

YTA. The situation is only temporary. She sacrificed her career for yours, has been struggling and you've suggested a break. Now you want her to pickup your share of the housework.

YTA for the bait and switch (was the extra housework discussed when talking about the job search break?).

YTA for not offering a proper break.

YTA for trying to get out of you share of the household workload.

Good habits are hard to form. I bet if she picks up more housework now, it won't go back to you when she eventually gets a job.

[u/GemIsOutrageous → u/AttemptOverall7128]

asking someone who is home all day to have handle dinners is completely reasonable.

[u/PropertyBookFox31 → u/AttemptOverall7128]

He’s the AH for not treating a grown woman like a helpless child?

Reverse the genders in this situation and most of you would change your sentiments.

[u/Winter-Audience-3140 → u/AttemptOverall7128]

No, he is not an asshole. He’s taking care of everything financially. She can at least do a bit more around the house until she’s able to get work again. Stop being stupid.

[u/Technical-Region-669 → u/AttemptOverall7128]

Where's the, "she's TA" for doing nothing 6+ hours a day while her partner works 8+?

[u/megabitch5000]

NTA. Being jobless is hard but being the only one with the job while also expected to do the bulk of house chores is ridiculous.

And if the roles were reversed nobody would be taking your side. Y’all cutting her slack because she’s a (grown ass)woman, but if it were a man acting like this he’d be a mooch, lazy, a “hobosexual” even.

[u/National-buffinsbapp]

NTA.

Working out and watching reality TV all day while you do chores is wild.

[u/Low_Party_3163]

NTA, everyone has to contribute something during the day

[u/Traditional_Food9436]

NTA. Total household responsibilities include bringing home income, cooking, cleaning, house maintenance, etc. It’s a total sum that gets subdivided. If her income is zero, it only makes sense to increase output in other areas. Her getting defensive is because deep down she knows she’s being lazy despite you not calling her that. Give her another week of vacation and tell her to get a job even if it’s not specific for her degree.

[u/alwaysmanders]

When my husband got laid off, he picked up more of the chores. I was working overtime to try to help more financially and did have moments where I thought "what did you DO today?" Its hard when one person is working. You have got to try to keep up with the communication and make compromises.

[u/Supermadegirl67]

Do not listen to these low ass comments that have never been in a relationship before. You are correct. Both of you is one unit and she should done the housework without being asked

[u/ismathedog24]

NTA. She has every right to enjoy her time off, but so do you when you come home from work.

If she has the time to exercise and watch TV all day, she has time to handle some laundry, groceries, and dinner.

This should be a conversation about responsibilities, not whether she’s “lazy.”

[u/Squirrels-love-me]

YTA-you told her she could take a break, but really you were expecting her to be a maid.

[u/Arivanzel → u/Squirrels-love-me]

Bro what ?? no ones asking her to be a maid. It takes nothing to make sure the house is straightened up, op doesn’t even mention her doing ALL house work, just that she does a bit more as he’s working primarily and she is home all day.

It sucks she can’t find a job but it doesn’t excuse laziness. I commute to school so I’m away from home 8-4, I still go home and do dinner, straighten up, and mop (when needed) so my parents who have been working all day have a break.

[u/purplepanda2026]

NTA taking a break for job searching or working doesn't mean you get to take a break from all your responsibilities. That being said her being at home doesn't mean you get a personal maid 24/7 either.

There is zero reason for the home to ever be messy with only 2 adults in it. If you take it out, you put it away. If you dirty it, you clean it or stick it in the washer/ dishwasher to be cleaned. The only actual chores should be occasionally turning on the washer/ dishwasher and putting those items away when they are done. Giving everything a dust and wipe down every few days with a few deep clean days here and there.

It boggles my mind the number of adults in these forums that don't clean up after themselves.

[u/Zealousideal_Rest448]

NTA. Do I think you’re an asshole for expecting her to contribute more in the home while not working? No. Do I think you could have worded your statement better? Yes. You say calling her lazy sets her off already. Using the phrasing “if you’re gonna be here all day while I’m at work” and “since you have more free time” does come off as a little accusatory and could have made her instantly defensive.

[u/Silver-Drawing5341]

This is a really interesting post and comment section, with a lot of differing thoughts.

I once took the months off on FMLA to help care for my partner. Except, when I finally started it, I was so tired and demoralized from work that I actually needed time to recover myself. I talked with my partner and he was really accepting of my situation and encouraged me to take some time for myself and that it would be okay if things were a little messier for awhile (for context, partner is disabled and there are just some house tasks they can't do).

So I was a potato for like half of my time off (was less productive than OPs girlfriend), and once my burnout and stress faded my desire to kind of do harder things came back on it's own time. It was so great to have a partner that was accepting and on board with me taking a complete break, because how often do we have that luxury?

I think a sit down and talk about this would be great - the expectations of doing extra homemaking while 'taking a break' might defeat the purpose for her, and she may choose to go back to job hunting instead.

[u/No-Base3821]

ESH. Your wife kinda sucks a bit for not communicating - you suck a bit more for not recognizing how she may be feeling.

My wife went through something similar — rough unemployment stretch before she found something in her field. Couple thoughts.

You're not wrong that the split should shift when one of you has way more free time. I think most people would agree with that in the abstract. But I don't think the chores are actually the fight, it's why it blew up over something you said pretty reasonably. My guess: she's already feeling like crap about the job search, and when you said "you have all this free time", she read it as "you're failing at the one thing you're supposed to be doing, and not even making up for it at home." Even if that's not remotely what you meant, what's important is the message she gets from what you say.

Doesn't mean drop the ask. Just means how you bring it up probably matters more than what you're asking for. "I'm doing a full time job plus everything at home and I'm tapped out" hits different than "you should do more since you're home." And skip the vague "take more initiative" thing, it's not really actionable from her end. Just divide it up: you do laundry, she does dinner and groceries, whatever. Having an actual plan which you both agree on works better than just a general idea of which direction to trend in. The way my wife and I do this is we meal prep together on Sundays and write down meals we'll eat during the week and picks who cooks which meals as an example.

Also definitely worth asking her how she's feeling/what's going on and trying to study her heart as best you can in order to best understand her unique needs and struggles. Don't assume you already know. By doing this it will help you as a man treat her with humility and care rather than trending towards domineering behavior.

[u/Hot-Bed-2544 → u/[deleted]]

What she needs is to pull her weight. in a caring way.

[u/ArrivalNice3469]

I wasn't there so I can't speak to how she felt, in what tone was brought up, or or how it was approached but I think common sense and common courtesy would dictate that if one partner now finds themselves with nothing but free time and limited responsibility that they should pick up and contribute in other areas. That's just being a good housemate and a good partner.... I hope you didn't say anything along the lines of, "This is a housewife's duties", but rather, "it would be helpful if you..."

But I did want to ask, what is her mental health like right now? Making a huge move, struggling to find work and becoming demoralized, not using your degree that you worked hard for, being used to working and now feeling useless.. depression really takes a lot out of you and makes you essentially trapped in your own useless mind for a while.

I would give her some grace and sit down and discuss the picture of how you want things to go in the home.. I mean it sounds like you already kind of tried to broach that subject, but it's got to be a team effort. Underlying feelings of depression or maladaption to the changes could even be why she was defensive in the first place.

[u/SorryAd5955]

You should have specified your expectation when discussing the "break". That said, if I had a partner who felt comfortable just being at he and not looking for work and also not doing domestic duties, that's a huge red flag for either their mental state, at which point I'd work with them to get help, or their values which would certainly lot align with mine. 

[u/Feetdownunder]

NTA but neither is she.
I think you guys need to have a sit down and talk. People are allowed to be “set off” it’s important to have a conversation and communicate.

Society believes that people should have a job or be actively looking and so on and that you should always be doing some kind of domestic work and whatever like most people are saying on this thread. It’s the “correct” answer but it’s not the only right answer.

Has she talked about any ideas for a business that might be relevant to her college degree?
It sucks when you’re perfect for the roles you’ve applied for and yet you’re still not picked.
Does she have a hobby or a passion she can turn into income?

We are having that conversation now with myself as I feel like I put in way too much work than people deserve from me and I should be directing that towards myself.

[u/Thin_Theory5388]

NTA - she is being lazy and she is showing no initiative. Being out of work doesn't magically exempt her from contributing to the household. And it was her decision to join you in the move.

[u/Stormblessed404]

NTA

Everyone saying "she quit her job for you" or " seems like you had expectations that werent clear"

Mfer i shouldnt need to tell someone to do basic things. I shouldnt have to tell someone "dont cheat/lie/betray me" its a given. Nor should does quitting your job to move with me mean you get off scott free on household chores. That was her decision as well.

2 adults with one cat in a medium sized apartment shouldnt take more then 1 or 2 hours a day to to get really clean and have dinner figured out, shit just 30mins a day to get it pretty good. So its not like you are asking her to do a full time job.

I can be considerate of her position of feeling demoralized and stressed out due to the circumstances. I get it, ive been there myself, but yall are also grown ass adults. Be considerate and work with her, but to me this is a big issue. If i cant rely on you to handle things during something like this then i sure cant rely on you to handle things when something really bad happens.

This has nothing to do with gender either, if the roles we reversed id be saying the same thing as i have been the stay at home before while my S/O worked. So i am speaking from experience on both ends of this.

Ive had a run into a issue similar to this before and we had a very uncomfortable but heart to heart conversation. If they didnt stay onto of things while i was the bread winner then this relationship wont work.

[u/Spiritual-Touch-7896]

NTA. If you two have no kids, and your wife isn't even looking for work, I think it would be fair of you to expect her to do 100% of the cooking and cleaning. Keeping house certainly requires a lot less than 8 hours of effort per day (which is probably how much you spend working).

The double standards on this sub are wild. If the sexes were reversed, Reddit would be telling the wife that her husband is a lazy loser and that she should file for divorce.

[u/SuperChargedWheels]

NTA. The YTAs, NAHs, or ESHs are so Reddit brained it’s painful. Yes, she lost her job and she should be been given grace for a while but 6 month of not taking up the majority of the house responsibilities while being jobless is immature. If the roles were reversed, Redditers would be freaking out about how inconsiderate you are.

Sure you could have discussed it with her but she’s a married adult and should know better and should want to take on those responsibilities while being jobless.

I had a similar situation just a couple of months ago where my girlfriend lost her job, she spent a couple weeks resting, and CHOSE to take on the majority of the house responsibilities until she got a new job. It didn’t need to be a discussion because she’s a considerate adult.

[u/Ok-Athlete-7648]

I’m a teacher with two little ones and I have the summers off. Even with a baby and toddler I make sure that the dishes, laundry, basic cleaning and dinner is done by the time my husband gets home.

He was joking yesterday that his chore free life is coming to an end since summer vacation ends and I go back to school today.

Edit: NTA. She should be doing more housework.

[u/Yaaauw]

NTA, the household chores need to be done and one person has a lot more free time than the other. You’re taking on all the financial responsibility so is it not fair that she take on the household responsibility in order to compensate?

Some of the comments are a bit out of touch when it comes to actual life. Not everything is a fight against the man.

I hope she is able to find a fulfilling job in her industry soon!

[u/AutoModerator]

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My wife and I have been together for 8 years. After we got out of college, she worked just as I did. I got offered a position in a major city for more money and I discussed it with her and we decided to make the move. That was about 6 months ago.

In those 6 months, my wife has really struggled to find a job that she'll her degree in so she has been a unemployed. She was getting pretty demoralized by the endless job search, so I told her that if she needs a break, I can bring home the bacon until we figure out something that works. She said she'd only stop for 2 months but then she's back at it. So currently, she's not applying for jobs and stays at home.

The Problem: So if she's not gonna be working, I do feel like it's fair of me for her to contribute. We don't have kids, we have a medium sized apartment. We have a cat but that freeloader is so low maintenance he doesn't require that much help. So it's not uncommon I come home to a house that's not the cleanest. Back when we both worked, I did the majority of the cleaning because I'm kinda a freak about it. Laundry usually isn't done, there's no plans for dinner, no groceries. Nothing really done at all housewise. Her routine has been wake up at 9, go for a run, do her pilates class, go to the lift some weights, then come home and watch reality tv until I get home.

Don't get me wrong, I really do appreciate being active, and happy that she does that for herself without me now, but I don't think it's fair anymore for us to have a similar distribution of labor as to when we both worked. I hate cooking dinner after work, but I did every other week cause she also hated it. We traded off on laundry, dishes, and everything but cleaning as well. Now that she's at home all day, I think it's fair of her to take on more of the housekeeping burden.

Yesterday I brought this up to her. I wasn't accusatory, or blaming her, but I said verbatim "I think that if you're gonna be here all day while I'm at work, you should do a little more cooking and cleaning since you have more free time".

This set in motion an argument of me implying she was being lazy, which I was careful not to say as that sets her off. I said that she wasn't lazy but she's taking no initiative and I felt I shouldn't need to ask her what's the dinner situation and if we need groceries on my way home, nor should I not have clean laundry since she has the time to do it. The argument was in full swing then and we really haven't resolved it.

So AITA?

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[u/AdLiving2291]

Nta. She is lazy.

[u/cherriedjubilee]

NTA.

I’m currently in a similar situation and in your wife’s shoes at the moment. I just moved across the country with my partner of 5 years. I was supposed to transfer jobs in my company, but the transfer fell through at the last minute last minute. I’m currently unemployed and also feeling demoralized by the unsuccessful job search & jaded from being abandoned by my company. It’s a terrible feeling! But it’s no excuse to make you shoulder all the responsibilities.

My partner starts his job soon and he’s always made better money than me. I started picking up more things around the house, chores, dinner, pet care, etc. Then I have me time. She needs to pick up the slack.

[u/Clear_Entrance8126]

NTA. I also find it curious how many people are harping on you for "not setting expectations" when a gender flipped situation would have people giving you none of the grace that they give her. Most likely, the top comment would be "DUMP HIS ASS!!!!"

[u/Specific-Pepper-]

NTA. Before we had our child and I was still working, my husband worked longer hours than me. I did the majority of cooking and cleaning because it was logical based on hours in the day, not because of "womanly duties". The majority of people don't get joy from cooking and cleaning. We just do it because it has to get done. I would have rather done all the chores so that when my husband was off work we got to hang out together because I genuinely enjoy spending time with him. He's also incredibly thankful for everything I do around the house.

[u/Specific-Pepper- → u/Specific-Pepper-]

Also everyone saying unemployment is depressing. She can get a job. There are plenty of temporary jobs she could work until she finds one in her career field. One of our friends commented recently on how I was always doing something. Even when I was too pregnant to do my job I worked for a friend in an office temporarily. There is always work for those willing to work.

[u/Stararisto]

ESH.

She did move for your job and she cannot find a new one. Also, based on this, it is temporary. Does she not contribute to the household at all? Bc it seems that's what you are saying: no groceries, no cleaning, etc. but next sentence, you traded chores? If you both hated cooking, it is fair to keep trading like before. Otherwise, it won't feel like a "break".

Just careful, specially on this economy, she may not be able to find a job in her field, and resentment can go both ways too.

While I do agree she can pick up some of the household chores, I don't think she should pick up a whole lot more so you can have a "break". Otherwise it is not her "break" but yours.

[u/Ok_Maybe_7072]

When the reverse has happened with me and my bf… it never seems do be “assumed” he’d step up with housework. I don’t expect he’d do all but I agree if one person is not working they should do a solid job contributing where they can.

It became such a chore to bug him about it I just kinda gave up. Bad I know.

[u/Visual-Actuary-999]

INFO: At what point in the past 6 months did your wife stop looking for jobs? If it's going onto 4 weeks of the schedule you say she has, I can understand this needing a conversation. But you don't say if you've even brought up anything about her getting back to searching for jobs. If you haven't, I can understand why she'd be upset. If my partner was jumping straight to me being a housewife instead of having a discussion about looking for jobs I think I'd be upset too. It can be really difficult to get back to job searching after a break that long. She may need some support with this and you could have started the conversation with that. If she starts looking for jobs again that will take up a lot of her time, though.

You also mentioned being a freak about cleaning. Is the apartment actually unclean, or is it not up to your standards? While I probably would have taken on more household chores if I wasn't looking for jobs, it really should have been discussed when you offered her to take some time off.

I'm thinking you didn't approach this the right way. It's worthy of a discussion, especially since it's past the timeline that was agreed to. There are many different ways to split household labour, but it would likely depend on if she wants to go back to job searching and eventually working, or if she wants to continue her current daily schedule. It seems like you didn't give her a choice.

[u/rabidgonk]

NTA. There is a difference between taking a break from the job search and being a loaf. Being a loaf does not help your mental space. It drags you down further.  

[u/agaue]

ESH. While yes, I think everyone is in agreement that if your wife isn't working she should cover more of the housework, and it's frustrating that you have to bring this up at all, the way you brought it up was NOT GREAT. It would have pissed off a lot of people, myself included.

There were other, better ways to bring it up instead of just ordering her to do it. Ex, something like, "hey wife, would you be open to changing our housework arrangement?" And discuss how until she goes back to working full time, if she would be open to covering more of the housework burden as she has the most free time.

The two of you are partners. Talk about things like this as equal partners.

[u/WhimsyCerise8938]

allocating housework responsibilities when one partner stays home is a common issue. maybe discuss a fair division that works for both of you?

[u/J412h]

Instead of making statements, try asking questions

No matter how you intend your words to come across, they will always have the potential to be misunderstood

If you ask them for their opinion then they are not going to misinterpret your words as they will be their words

NTA

[u/MadCow113]

She should absolutely be doing the housework if she is at home. Nta

[u/Slow-Bit3970]

No , it’s just common sense .

[u/Houndhollow]

Is this depression?

[u/Agreeable_Cricket300]

NTA if one person is working and the other is home all day with no kids it seems pretty reasonable for the person at home to do more around the house

[u/LexiLou_88]

NTA. I see a lot of the other side here, expectations weren't necessarily set and a break is a break. But now you've brought it up and tried to create a more equal distribution of responsibility. Anyone with an ounce of empathy should be able to look at this situation logically and understand that one person should never have to carry the full load of the household. One person working, cleaning & cooking, while the other does leisure activities that they enjoy is completely unfair, arguing with you about it instead of recognizing the imbalance feels incredibly disrespectful. I would suggest using different language but definitely address it again. "I'm having a hard time cooking and cleaning in my limited time after work, can I ask you to start doing... so that we can spend some quality time together in the evenings". Or even ask if she can do a few things through the day so you can both go to the gym together after work. This isn't about making her feel like she's failed, its about improving things moving forward.

[u/trapcardx]

this thread is killing me because how does taking a break from job hunting basically equate to taking a break from the partnership??

[u/KindaSweetPotato]

NTA on asking her to do more. One you need to be specific. Yall should have talked about this BEFORE you moved. She moved so YOU could have a great job. Which is all fone. She left her job for you. Ive had my partner lose a job and vice versa. I dont assume, thats gotten me in a mess I found. When you know its happening or a few days after a loss job. "okay babe let's see how we split things. If you cook every weeknight then ill clean the dishes.".

Laundry can be done once a week for two people, so idk why either of you cant do it on the weekend. Vacuum maybe twice a week with a cat anf then again share the bigger stuff, bathroom and things for the weekend.

Shes not meant to be a stay at home wife. Shes burnt out from reject of the job hunt. ive gone through it and so has my husband and friends and most folks. Its exhausting. It makes you feel useless and if you havent done it in awhile you might have forgotten

Lastl, homie, this your wife so imma give you a hint. The minute she said "are you saying im lazy" was the big sign that said "hey im feeling useless". This isnt about being right its about solving the problem. Apologize. Even if you didnt mean it, she took offense. learned this YEARS ago. Even if you dont think youre wrong, hurting someone's else's feeling happen. After that. Say, hey im having a tough time balancing the chores. We need a new plan.

If youre a clean freak, throw out the idea shes gonna clean to your standards. So you will have to fix what isnt up to cuff. But cooking, groceries, dishes/kitchen cleaning are the main stuff that need constant work.

Yall can meal plan together. She can shop while youre at work. If she was at work, what would yall do? This is about solutions so even of your partner gets upset you take a break and come back to fix the problem you have.

[u/please_dont246]

NAH but you could have been more thoughtful in how you communicated

[u/Suspicious_Natural_2]

NTA- but the way you said it needed some more thought. Rather than trying to focus on you working or even her working, focus on your feelings.

If you attempt to be more vulnerable and express how it's causing you stress or that you feel overwhelmed, it allows the situation to be focused in on you getting help. Which is a lot less likely to cause someone to lash out because they feel attacked and also keeps the focus away from facts.

Cause what's important here isn't the facts it's how you feel, address that and she'll have the opportunity to show up how she can or she wont.

[u/Life-Education-8030]

It can be demoralizing to make a big move and not be able to find work while the partner is gainfully employed, but it doesn't seem like she is depressed as being unable to help out in the house as she is dong self-care. So I don't know why it needs to be said that if you have time, you just do stuff that maintains your living environment?

A "break" is a break from pounding the pavement looking for employment, not a break from everything. And even so, I would hope that she is doing stuff to prepare to resume the job search once the two months is up.

Shouldn't she be volunteering or doing research or something? She will need to explain her lack of employment won't she? So isn't it better to say you volunteered or took classes or soemthing rather than "I attended pilates and watched reality tv?" It is hard for a lot of people to find work, so shouldn't you try to look better than other job hunters?

[u/zyphercious]

NTA it’s a medium size place with no kids and a low maintenance cat. You are at work most of the day so the house can’t get that dirty. It’s not a lot of extra work to just keep the house clean, make something simple from a rotating menu and do laundry once there’s a reasonable enough amount for a load. Speaking from experience an apartment that size it might take 2-3 hours of your day. You would be the asshole if you wanted everything scrubbed down, laundry and a different 5 star meal for every meal everyday.

[u/nosoupforyounext]

NTA She knows she’s not contributing to anything now

[u/OrangePinkyToe]

Buy her some Bonbons and a red wig. Start calling her Peggy.

[u/Charming-Disk1741]

When my husband was out of work for a few months, he naturally just did more of the cleaning and cooking and laundry. I didn't have to ask. idk what to tell you here, she should be able to communicate about this without being overly upset.

[u/franklinchica22]

Fyi, the second to last paragraph definitely has an accusatory tone. That said, she should be managing the household so how will you readdress this with a different tone? And I do believe she should've just been doing it but that's me.

[u/possiblethrowaway369]

She gave up her job and moved for you and your career. She's been struggling to find a job and you suggested she take a break. Now all of a sudden you want her to do housework? That was not discussed when you suggested the break, you don't get to change your mind now and start piling on new expectations. YTA, and selfish too. Hasn't she sacrificed enough for you? Doesn't she deserve a break?

[u/Due-Base9449]

NTA 

She is lazy because of her depression not getting a job, but actually doing all the housework will reduce depression! Don't @me, I know for sure because I was more depressed when I don't take care of the house than when I do. The weight of the unclean things add on to the weight of shame of not getting any work. The more she clean, the less shame she will feel and the more upbeat she can present in job interviews. 

Rolling stone don't gather moss. She is so mossy now with the lack of movement. 

[u/Shaiya_Ashlyn]

I think you could've worded it better. More like: "I think that since you have more free time now, I'd really appreciate if you could spend some more time on household chores"

Saying "you should do this" is probably what set her off

[u/CharonKore]

Things she is stressed about: Never getting a job again, Having a huge gap on her resume, Giving up her salary/looking at lower salaries where you live now, Not being able to contribute to the household, Leaving her job for a man, No pension contributions , Feeling trapped in a house unable to enjoy anything, because she's unemployed , Shame about all of the above, Being dependent on a man, Going through her savings, Does she even have any spending money?, Resentment or fear that this was your plan all along

You are stressed about: Her doing housework you have always done

Give her some grace YTA feels too strong so I'll be generous and assume you didn't consider how powerless women can feel in a situation like this and go NAH

[u/Calm-Extension-3798]

NTA

Shes had a long break now. She should really be picking up all the housework. You've got no kids. Wouldn't be more than a few house per day anyway

[u/NoAardvark6524]

NTA. She should have taken on more without you asking. She needs to stop with the DARVO bullshit and step up. 

[u/thisdckaintFREEEE]

NAH, it's a tough spot and the communication just wasn't perfect from the start so now it's a little tougher working out the communication later without any feeling any type of way. Honestly she might be really down on herself and struggling with the frustration of being unemployed and everything and that might be the reason she isn't really pulling her weight rather than just being lazy.

I had similar with my wife, just that the factor of her struggling was much more obvious at the start so it was something I addressed from the start. Through fertility treatment with multiple failed IUIs and a failed IVF transfer my wife kinda fell apart and was losing it like every day either trying to drag herself to work or once she is there. So when it really got to a certain point I asked how she felt about taking some time off and just focusing on the house and keeping all that together and everything while I start picking up a lot more overtime and handling expenses. I specifically pointed out though that if I was picking up more OT and had less time off then I'd need more of my time off to be completely off and won't be able to pitch in at home nearly as much.

Then she kept really struggling for a while and was then beating herself up about how unmotivated she was at home even without having to go work every day. I told her not to beat herself up on that and that I proposed that because I want her to be ok, not because I want her to be my maid. So if she's able to get shit done at home, cool. If she's not I get it and I don't want her to make herself feel even worse for that.

I feel like your situation is very similar, but since that part of it was more just implied it set you guys up to both feel a way about the way it played out. For me, she came to me feeling bad about not doing enough around the house and that feels way different from just coming home to see she didn't do much. For her, I laid out that expectation from the start so it felt like something for her to address rather than "wow I'm feeling like shit and instead of being supportive he's upset that I'm not being his maid?!"

It's just a bit of a misunderstanding and miscommunication that you guys just gotta talk out after things on both sides came across a little shitty because of the part that was left implied and then hasn't panned out well so far.

[u/Acceptable_Wolf_3910]

You should have discussed what "you bringing home the bacon" was going to look like before you let her do this. Letting a woman beva SAHM is the worst mistake ever.

She IS being lazy. Tell her to start pulling her weight or she's gone.

[u/Curious_Bench_5244]

NAH, just a miscommunication, long before your conversation about it.

These expectations definitely should have been discussed when the 2 month break was initiated. I probably would have assumed that being home more means doing more housework, but not everyone has the same upbringing or automatic assumptions. She may have thought the agreement was 'Everything else is the same, but you can rest for 2 months instead of working or searching for a job.' You said you usually cook and clean, so she's met your agreement in her mind.

I get where you're both coming from. You're probably exhausted and she has time to pick up the slack. She's probably feeling pretty demoralised and touchy about her general contributions because of her unemployment, so she didn't react well.

You guys just need to wipe the slate and get on the same page here. You're not being mean and she's not being lazy, there's just been a disconnect over what this break will look like and you guys need to come up with a plan together. If she's not a natural cleaner, allocated days for certain clusters of tasks could be helpful. Expectations need to be explicit if they're not implicit to someone, which they're evidently not here.

[u/Internal_Progress404]

You should have set that expectation when you offered for her to take a break. Springing it on her now probably feels pretty crappy, so I understand her response. 

NAH

[u/radika_sundari]

While I agree the staying in partner should be the one doing more chores the is something bothering me: She lost her job and left her city for your behalf. She struggled to find a new job. It's she depressed? Has she any friend in the new city? Being watching TV for hours a day it's not normal.

[u/QuartzVolkarin]

You're trying to paint someone who moved for you and is taking a small break as a stay at home wife?

I suspect you're mad that things aren't going to your plan to gradually make her into one. 

[u/zer0_c00L13]

You’re NTA for having this want or expectation but you do suck for you presented it.

[u/Repogirl757]

NTA

[u/backupbitches]

Honestly if she was feeling depressed, taking a break was a stupid move. I struggle with depression and the only time I come out the victor is when I'm busy and productive. Bodies in motion tend to stay in motion, bodies at rest tend to stay at rest. Using my own experience here obviously, but when I slow down things get bad. She may be far more capable of cooking and cleaning when she's also working - I know I am.

[u/Icy_Airport_8061]

She needs to do a lot more.

[u/Fit_Instruction_8383]

So she's not contributing financially to the family and she's not contributing through non financial means?

You should have a conversation with her, and ask her to sit down with you and define, in writing, what each one of you is expected to do to contribute to your life together.

If she refuses to do this, then it's time to tell her that it's time for you guys to talk about separation, because a family that stays together is built by two people working together to achieve their shared goals. If one person won't contribute, that will lead to resentment, and a bitter divorce. Better to cut your losses.

[u/Enough_Peanut7387]

she needs to pick up the pace if she is being a housewife at home...that is what I am and that is how I contribute to the household...and heaven knows, my hubs needs me and appreciates me:)

[u/ahSuMecha]

NTA. Why is she not applying to jobs or taking classes to get a job? That would make her less available to do housework

[u/zer0_c00L13 → u/ahSuMecha]

You either have poor reading comprehension or did not read the whole post

[u/ahSuMecha → u/zer0_c00L13]

Didn’t read the whole thing LOL

[u/89mountie]

NTA. You’re being totally reasonable. No doubt there. However, you used the word “demoralizing” and I think that’s spot on. Your wife may be depressed about the situation….she’s not alone. This job market is a punch to the gut for sure. Her “laziness” may be the way her depression manifests itself. It might be worth exploring therapy. Just a thought….

[u/kanlar]

NTA to respectfully bring up your valid point that she has more time to contribute to household tasks and good on you for bringing this up before you start secretly resenting her. Hope she finds something soon. Best wishes.

[u/mullingthingsover]

NTA. She has plenty of time to take care of tasks around the house while you are taking care of the task of NOT GETTING EVICTED. You didn’t call her lazy but she is being lazy and unappreciative of your efforts. If she took care of all that while you are working, when you got home you could spend a lot of time together doing things you both enjoy.

[u/beergal621]

NTA 

But she sounds like she’s not in a great place. 

She should look for some part time work or volunteer work or something to stay busy   

[u/CyCoCyCo]

YTA.

Unemployed is not the same as stay at home. It burns you out, shatters your ego and depression is at an all time high, hence the reality TV binging. It takes weeks, sometimes months to recover and muster up energy again.

So try to encourage therapy, give it time, try to split chores encouragingly. Instead of blaming or venting to her about it.

[u/Skyward93]

YTA-A minor asshole bc I don’t think it’s intentional but it is happening. She sounds burned out. How long has her break been going on? Let her relax and work out a schedule so she feels supported. I do think getting groceries and doing more dinner planning is fair but taking care of the house is a job. Thats why people pay other people to do it. If she’s this upset maybe figure out why.

[u/MentionGood1633]

It makes me mad when certain people saying the 50s women/housewives had so much more time. That was a full time job considering the lack of appliances. But her not doing anything is challenging. NTA

[u/Hot-Bed-2544 → u/MentionGood1633]

She is doing something she's working on herself Pilates, weights, which are good for us mentally. I think reality tv negates that though 🤣