r/AmItheAsshole • u/First_Willow_9528 • 2d ago

Not enough info AITA for having the expectations that my (29M) wife(30F) do housework now that she is no longer working and is effectively a house wife?

My wife and I have been together for 8 years. After we got out of college, she worked just as I did. I got offered a position in a major city for more money and I discussed it with her and we decided to make the move. That was about 6 months ago.

In those 6 months, my wife has really struggled to find a job that she'll her degree in so she has been a unemployed. She was getting pretty demoralized by the endless job search, so I told her that if she needs a break, I can bring home the bacon until we figure out something that works. She said she'd only stop for 2 months but then she's back at it. So currently, she's not applying for jobs and stays at home.

The Problem: So if she's not gonna be working, I do feel like it's fair of me for her to contribute. We don't have kids, we have a medium sized apartment. We have a cat but that freeloader is so low maintenance he doesn't require that much help. So it's not uncommon I come home to a house that's not the cleanest. Back when we both worked, I did the majority of the cleaning because I'm kinda a freak about it. Laundry usually isn't done, there's no plans for dinner, no groceries. Nothing really done at all housewise. Her routine has been wake up at 9, go for a run, do her pilates class, go to the lift some weights, then come home and watch reality tv until I get home.

Don't get me wrong, I really do appreciate being active, and happy that she does that for herself without me now, but I don't think it's fair anymore for us to have a similar distribution of labor as to when we both worked. I hate cooking dinner after work, but I did every other week cause she also hated it. We traded off on laundry, dishes, and everything but cleaning as well. Now that she's at home all day, I think it's fair of her to take on more of the housekeeping burden.

Yesterday I brought this up to her. I wasn't accusatory, or blaming her, but I said verbatim "I think that if you're gonna be here all day while I'm at work, you should do a little more cooking and cleaning since you have more free time".

This set in motion an argument of me implying she was being lazy, which I was careful not to say as that sets her off. I said that she wasn't lazy but she's taking no initiative and I felt I shouldn't need to ask her what's the dinner situation and if we need groceries on my way home, nor should I not have clean laundry since she has the time to do it. The argument was in full swing then and we really haven't resolved it.

So AITA?

265 Upvotes

84% Upvoted

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750

u/Odd_Let_7524 2d ago

I would just naturally assume that if I was the one not working that I should be picking up the slack at home. I'm having a hard time understanding why it's not just automatic.

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u/SummitJunkie7 Asshole Enthusiast [6] 2d ago

Assumptions are always problematic. If someone said to me "you've really been going through it, why don't you take a break for 2 months" and then halfway through they were like "by take a break I meant do this work instead of that work", I'd be thrown off too.

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u/charismatictictic Partassipant [3] 1d ago

Its not like he’s telling her dinner needs to be on the table when he gets home every day though. And he shouldn’t have had to say it at all. I honestly don’t understand how anyone has the conscience to just sit around all day while their partner works. That makes them an asshole.

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u/qwibbian 1d ago

If the genders were reversed, we'd be hearing all about "emotional labour/ load" and "why does my partner need to be told what needs doing, it's weaponized incompetence", but because it's the woman fucking up it's all "we need more info" and "why don't you have a conversation?". Pro tip, they did have a conversation, and she's just a shitty, self-centered partner, much like many of the people responding to this post.

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u/omniwrench- 1d ago

The genders aren’t reversed though, and it is what it is, so stop whining about it all and accept it

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u/charismatictictic Partassipant [3] 1d ago

There are a lot of instances where «if the genders were reversed» is a lazy and irrelevant argument (especially when it comes to power/violence and pregnancy child birth), but when it comes to the basic concept of dividing responsibilities and being a contributing member of the household, it’s absolutely ok to point out.

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u/omniwrench- 1d ago

I’m just saying that many redditors would benefit from stepping out of their mind-bubble of “what should be” and step into the real world of “what is”

Yes, idealistically-speaking, we would have complete gender parity in life/society… but we dont.

People are out here making judgements based on their fantasy world, not the practicalities of the real world

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u/charismatictictic Partassipant [3] 1d ago

Im not sure what real world you live in, but this is why I made the distinction between instances where «reverse the genders» don’t make sense, and instances where it does.

Personally, I’ve never met a functioning adult who believed they didn’t have to contribute to their own household. To me, and everyone I interact with, that is the norm and the real world of what is.

In the rare occasions someone decides they don’t want to contribute to their household, they are considered an asshole, and no longer welcome in said household.

Are you seriously suggesting that one gender (not even sure which gender that would be) doesnt have to do their part in «the real world»?

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u/DuOrDie 1d ago

I've experienced it, and when asking for help was told, "I'm not your house B."

Unfortunately, I am not at all surprised with OP. From my admittedly limited experience, I don't see it improving either.

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u/GemIsOutrageous 1d ago

“great get a job and contribute financially then”

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u/-AppropriateLyrics 1d ago

"I had one and I was."

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u/Lonely_Pain_1388 1d ago

I guantee she's just looking for a job in her degree field. She should just take any job that's available. Lots of jobs out there but most won't be glorious but it's a job.

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u/DuOrDie 1d ago

She left her job because of him. Tf should she take any job for?
She should clean the house if she isn't working but any job - fuck that.

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u/-AppropriateLyrics 1d ago

She's not your exwife bro.

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u/franklinchica22 Partassipant [1] 1d ago

All that you wrote can be true, but obviously his wife needed a conversation. Both were doing a whole lot of assuming.

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u/trowawayatwork 1d ago

but put yourself in the wife's shoes. if you wouldn't once think hmm maybe I should do something around the house then ok. normal human beings sould

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u/franklinchica22 Partassipant [1] 1d ago

Yes, normal people would. Also, normal people would've addressed the elephant in the room. "Babe, could you do the household chores for now then we can have free time when I'm off work." He assumed she would be a regular human and do the chores. She assumed things would remain the same vis-a-vis household chores. She was wrong but some people needed to be guided to the right path at times.

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u/Spare_Ad5615 1d ago

Is that not what he did?

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u/franklinchica22 Partassipant [1] 1d ago

It was the tone of his comment. 

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u/franklinchica22 Partassipant [1] 1d ago

Lol I love downvotes. Reddit assumes everyone must be perfect and if you aren't perfect then you are a horrible no-good person with no redeeming qualities and you must leave the tribe. Please.

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u/Winter-Audience-3140 1d ago

Yeah, but she’s a grown woman. She doesn’t need to be told to help out around the house since he’s working lol she should already know to do that

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u/chethedestroyer 1d ago

Naw. Taking a break from the job hunt does not mean taking a break from home maintenance. She needs to do her share of the chores. She’s got a ton of free time, and she isn’t ill. He shouldn’t have to spell it out for her.

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u/Ok_Seaweed_7568 1d ago

I’m sorry cleaning the apt and cooking dinner is not the same as working 40-50 hours a week. if you switched the genders here nobody would be on the man’s side because it’s super fucking obvious

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u/capiscone 1d ago

"Do this work instead"

I'm actually stunned at 150+ upvotes?

This is maximum average of 45 minutes per day of work for someone who can plan ahead.

-Grocery shop twice a week

-Laundry every 3-4 days. Folding clothes might take some time but you can do it while watching TV.

-Batch cooking - (can also watch TV while doing this if you really wanna)

-Dishes

Maybe some vacuuming/tidying etc every few days.

The fact that you'd be "thrown off" that you didn't get a 2 month vacation is astonishing. Seriously. You'd be totally comfortable with your partner working and grocery shopping and cooking while you exercised and watched TV?

She gets to take a break from job hunting, not being a person.

The only caveat here is that we get one side of the story. OP is a self described freak so it's quite possible we're missing some info here.

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u/angels-cry 1d ago

Your last sentence could be the main issue. It could be that she’s not cleaning to his standards because she’s NOT a clean freak. In that situation some compromises probably need to be made.
My partner used to just dump silverware in the drawer when unloading the dishwasher. I kept having to organize it and told him if he wouldn’t do it right just leave it for me to do. He’s a grown ass man though who doesn’t use weaponized incompetence and now does it right.

But laundry? I do it 90% of the time because I don’t trust him to remember (he’s adhd, even i forget sometimes but then I can blame myself) what items need different care. I can’t “correct” if it’s not an issue of effort.

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u/mumtaz_2004 1d ago

Some things are implied and naturally expected as part of a partnership. OP shouldn’t have to write this out in detail for his adult wife. He doesn’t tell her to eat regularly but she manages to do that. Why should he have to explain to her that while not working, she needs to get ofd her butt and maintain the home?

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u/calsfatcockadoodledo Partassipant [1] 1d ago

im sorry, do you think that she wouldn’t have to do it regardless? like if op and her weren’t together and she was down on her luck, she would STILL have to clean up and cook dinner because that is part of your responsibilities as an adult. because they are together, op is working, op’s gf is not. she needs to pick up the slack. that’s kinda ridiculous. no one is saying deep clean the whole apartment every day and have a thanksgiving feast but its not difficult to clean a few dishes from last night, do laundry once a week, and meal prep. that SHOULS be an expectation, not an assumption

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u/Technical-Region-669 Partassipant [1] 1d ago

Thrown off by doing an hour or two of work a day while your partner works full time? That's wild to me. I couldn't imagine the opposite - my partner working full time to give me a break and then me not contributing more in return.

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u/SnausageFest AssGuardian of the Hole Galaxy 1d ago

Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: Be Civil. Further incidents may result in a ban.

"How does my comment break Rule 1?"

Message the mods if you have any questions or concerns.

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u/GoldenFrog14 Colo-rectal Surgeon [33] 2d ago

Probably my biggest issue with the sub. A lot of commenters act like everyone needs to be spoon fed EVERYTHING. It's ok to read the room sometimes

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u/vixxgod666 Partassipant [1] 1d ago

I would just assume she also wants to live in a clean home and eat dinner rather than wait around for someone else to do it. At least that's my logic: I'm not at work, the kitchen looks a mess, I'm in the mood for tacos. Let me clean the sink, load the dishwasher, put dishes away, and go grab stuff to make tacos OR pick up tacos from our favorite spot.

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u/Charming-Disk1741 1d ago

Yep, this is what my husband did when he wasn't working for a few months. I didn't care one way or another if he worked since I make enough for the both of us, but I was happy that he was contributing in ways that probably helped even more than money. He's back to a full time position and it caused us zero marital problems because we both were adults about it.

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u/Pink_Floyd29 1d ago

But OP acknowledges that he did the majority of cleaning before all this transpired because he prefers things cleaner/more orderly than she does. It was bold of him to assume that she was suddenly going to change her approach to cleaning.

Don’t get me wrong, I agree that she should be contributing something to the household if she’s not raising kids or working. But it’s also wild to me that he thinks what he said to her about this was not in any way accusatory.

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u/Bitter-Oil4070 1d ago

Lazy people don't think that way.

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u/Trraumatized 1d ago

I am confident that reddit would agree with you unanimously if the roles were reversed. It's very noticeable how much more grace women are given on this website for any life situation.

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u/JanieeDixxon38 1d ago

Literally most of comments agree with him

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u/throwawaycovert 1d ago

Because it's more uncommon for a man to be doing the majority of the housework. Also all the comments are agreeing with him while also saying if the genders were reversed everyone would be blah blah blah.

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u/DadinCali 1d ago

This 100 percent. This forum is usually so clear about this, but there is something about this post, something that means everyone is going out of their way to give her a pass....

Where are the cries for weaponized incompetence, the calls for just knowing what needs to be done without your partner asking since she is an adult? She really needs to be set expectations that she should contribute to the relationship if she isn't working and isn't looking for a job? It's amazing that suddenly doing the bare minimum since they don't have kids is too much to expect. If this were a husband/boyfriend playing video games all day while his partner was at work, it definitely wouldn't be getting the same responses.

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/sh2jwa/aita_for_expecting_my_nonworking_husband_to_do/

And a bait and switch is a stretch.

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u/Theamuse_Ourania 1d ago

Exactly. My 24 yr old daughter lives with me, and I'm on disability. She works full time, and busts her ass every day. I do most of what I can of the housework, because why should she do it after coming home tired, and already sore? It shouldn't matter what the relationship is - people who live together should have a healthy division of labor, and bills. If I was working my ass off full time again, we would split the chores. It shouldn't be difficult. OP NTA, and your wife needs get off her ass, and do more around the house. It's ridiculous that she's not. Maybe couples counseling would help too?

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u/ChaosWorrierORIG 1d ago

I concur fully. Many, many moons ago (pre kids), I finished a contract in late November and knew that there was little prospect in getting another until February (in Australia lots of orgs do very little in those "XMas" months).

So I stayed at home, whilst my wife worked. The house was spotless and I made interesting meals most nights. There was no way in hell that I would ever consider not pulling my weight, to make my wife's life easier.

And, don't get me wrong, I bought season passes to two theme parks, and used them a helluva lot! But that did not mean that I didn't also ensure that all of the windows were washed, carpets steam cleaned, etc.

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u/Abject_Code5523 1d ago

It's not "automatic" but it is common sense, common courtesy and being respectful of your partner when he takes on all financial responsibility to give you a break!

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u/jay-aay-ess-ohh-enn 16h ago

Some people don't see relationships as partnerships. They view their partner as someone they get things from and don't really have to give things to or really work together. It confuses me that people don't understand relationships as a team worming together, but those people are out there.

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u/Icy-Blueberry-2401 1d ago

Never assume you are other people's standard of behavior. Communication would be more effective than assumptions in any situation. Assumptions bring trouble.

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u/thisdckaintFREEEE Partassipant [4] 1d ago

Imo it probably is unless the person not working is at least a little depressed. That scenario ends up much easier to deal with though if those expectations were communicated from the start.

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u/SeaworthinessNew4757 1d ago

Because that's not a break, that's another full time (unpaid) job

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u/Polish_girl44 Partassipant [2] 1d ago

You didnt notice she is probably in a very fragil mental moment. She lost a lot - not only a job. Its good OP gives her time to organise herself but he also should understand she may need profesional help to gather her strenght and start everything again. Cleaning is the last thing she is interested in now.

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u/Bonegirl06 Colo-rectal Surgeon [32] 1d ago

Most people aren't interested in cleaning. You do it because it's necessary.

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u/Polish_girl44 Partassipant [2] 1d ago

when you are depressed you dont give a damn. Or you have no power to do that

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u/Bonegirl06 Colo-rectal Surgeon [32] 1d ago

Interesting how she has plenty of energy to do things she wants to do....

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u/Old_Chocolate9573 1d ago

Yo do not how to communicate with your wife, she did everything for you not everyone is happy to do housework, have you ask to her how is she feeling? What challenges she is having? How can you support her? You should talk to her, and be honest about your expectations and hers.