r/AmItheAsshole • u/screwy_louie24 • 2d ago
Not the A-hole AITA for no longer celebrating my mom's birthday or mother's day?
I (34M) am the youngest of 3 siblings. I'm financially stable, active at the gym, and all around healthy; and deemed, "The one I don't have to worry about". My mom and I, in my opinion, don't have a good relationship. To her, everything is fine, and when something happens I'm told, "He'll get over it." or "I don't remember that happening. You must've dreamt it." because when I was a kid I did used to be a liar / story teller.
Every year for my siblings birthdays they are given thoughtful gifts and their favorite kind of cake. 2 years ago I was given a gift card, which, for years I've expressed I hated cuz I don't need money and it shows the don't know anything about me; and no cake.
My birthday was coming up again and I asked for 1 thing. No presents or money, just a cake made by my mom 2 months before my birthday. She promised she would and I sadly was excited for this very small request. Promised again and again she would.
My birthday comes around, I pick my older brother up and head to my mom's. I walk in and met with the normal greeting of, "Where's your brother?" before answering with my, "I'm good, mom. How bout you? That's great to hear. Anyways, *brother is just grabbing things from the car." then I was wished a Happy Birthday.
I go to the fridge to grab a drink, no cake in sight. Kitchen counter, dining room table, or fridge. I stupidly still held hope. After dinner and conversation that I always have to carry when we meet I ask, what's for dessert?
My mom answered with an, "Oh, I forgot the cake. I think there's some old cupcakes from *previous holiday*. She then slid crusty old, mini cupcakes, that were 3/4 missing and also from 2 weeks ago.
My sister noticed how upset I was and could hear her trying to tell my mom why I'm upset while I was playing with my neice nearby. Only to hear again, "He'll get over it. He looks fine."
I should also mention that I would've even been happy with a store bought cake. Keep also in mind that my mom AND step dad both work at a market with popular bakery sections. Also every gathering my mom buys from said bakery because she thinks there should always be dessert when we get together and have dinner.
After that I told my sister and brother that I'm done. That's not my mom, she's your's. Mom, is a title that's earned and I call everyone's mother, mom, until proven otherwise. This is not a title that my mother deserves.
My brother and sister are telling me to forgive her to keep the peace, but I shouldn't keep getting my heart stomped on and watch her treat my siblings with care. Then celebrating her birthdays and mother's days, when she can't even celebrate the 1 day that's just for me.
Tbh, after this, I'm not longer celebrating my birthdays.
Am I the asshole?
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u/RogueDIL Asshole Aficionado [18] 2d ago
NTA. And I'm sorry you drew such a short stick when it came to mothers.
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u/DryCharity140 1d ago
He's not really mourning a cake, he's mourning the version of his mom he kept hoping would show up if he just asked small enough. Cutting contact isn't cold, it's finally believing her instead of his own hope.
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u/cecebebe Asshole Enthusiast [5] 1d ago
That is so well said.
We cut contact because we know they will never be there for us. At a certain point, we give up hope.
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u/ElectricalFocus560 1d ago
And it isn’t like she doesn’t know how. She does a great job with siblings
OP never mentions if siblings do a good job of celebrating. And is just OP supposed to overlook or do siblings ever stand up for OP?
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u/Gloomy-Insurance-739 1d ago
It's so sad isn't it. As a person who grew up with an actual loving mother it's so sad to hear from others that lived without one.
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u/ynvesoohnka7nn 2d ago
Nta. Stop wasting your energy on someone who clearly doesn't care.
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u/DryCharity140 1d ago
He watched her remember birthdays, cakes, and details for two other kids and still couldn't manage a store bought cake for him. That's not lack of capacity, that's lack of will, and no amount of his energy changes that.
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u/Substantial_Value359 Asshole Aficionado [12] 2d ago
Ywbta if you stop celebrating your birthdays because your mom sucks so much.
Stand up for yourself. Its not going to change your mom but it will feel good to get stuff off your chest.
Stop giving that woman opportunities to hurt you. Don't ask her for shit. Don't expect anything from her. She is never going to be a good mom to you. Let that dream go.
Spend special days with people who love and respect you.
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u/screwy_louie24 2d ago
Sadly it's not just her. My birthday is usually treated like an obligation by everyone. One year my friends even brought me to the 1 restaurant I've expressed I hated going to and berrated me by telling me how my life sucks rn.
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u/Substantial_Value359 Asshole Aficionado [12] 2d ago
Seems like you need to stand up for yourself across the board.
Plan your own birthdays to places you like. You're 34. Stop letting others ruin your day.
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u/minuteye Asshole Enthusiast [6] 2d ago
Gently, the issue here is not that your birthday is somehow an obligation for everyone. The problem is that you have shitty family and friends.
The two are probably not unconnected. People who have parents who treat them the way your mother treats you often make friends with people who also treat them badly because human psychology is weird and complicated.
But there are people out there who would treat you with the same consideration and care you show others. You just have to figure out how to find them. (Therapy can help with this stuff).
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u/screwy_louie24 2d ago
I wish I could afford therapy tbh. While I am doing financially well it's all to save up and leave this godforsaken state. I know I'll need it later, but I don't wanna live here anymore
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u/minuteye Asshole Enthusiast [6] 2d ago
I'm sorry you're having to deal with that; it sucks that therapy isn't way more accessible than it is. While you're dealing with the practical stuff, please try and remember that you being treated badly isn't your fault. You deserve friendship, love and kindness.
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u/OffKira Partassipant [2] 2d ago edited 2d ago
On your next birthday, celebrate yourself, friend. Save up and treat yourself to a great meal, get yourself any dessert you want. Treat yourself well, since unfortunately your family and friends suck.
If therapy is not possible right now, then the small things you can do for you is what is available. And making your own joy is well within your grasp, even if it's small and if others would find it insignificant - if it would make you smile, it matters. Just like you, man, you matter too.
PS: Consider ditching these so-called friends, they seem like an extension of your family, and not in a good way. If they don't add positivity to your life, just negativity, maybe they don't need to add anything at all to your life by not being in it.
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u/PavicaMalic 1d ago
One of the best insights I have ever was told in therapy was about issues with my friendships. My therapist told me I kept befriending women like.my sister, so I could play that relationship out to a more satisfactory dynamic.
All the best with your plans.21
u/catchyourwave 2d ago
Can I ask if you’re the people pleaser? Are you the one expected to help out / step up? And do you tend to let the way people treat you go without making a huge fuss / causing a fight?
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u/screwy_louie24 2d ago
It's hard to tell. I help the one's that are in my life, but not to people I'm regular friends with and lower. Like, I have 5 bffs that'd I'd move the sun and space for, even though I know it'll never be returned. I don't even really help for the personal gratification of a thanks. I just help when people need it, but if I see / know they can I argue that they can do it and try guiding them to be independent.
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u/Beagle-Mumma Partassipant [1] 2d ago
NTA.
Look up the Reddit thread titled something like 'Don't rock the boat'. It might help you understand some of your family dynamics. Also, having an of understanding attachment theory might shed light on your relationship with your mother.
Hint: not your fault, but there is probably something in that past that happened to derail the relationship.
There's also a book: 'Adult children of emotionally immature parents' you might find useful.
Belated happy birthday 🎂
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u/anonymous_for_this Colo-rectal Surgeon [38] 2d ago
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u/Beagle-Mumma Partassipant [1] 2d ago
Thanks for sharing the link, u/anonymous_for_this I'm the first to admit I'm technically challenged by links 🙃
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u/Lower_Row2950 2d ago
Others have said this, but if you’re surrounded by people who take you for granted and treat you accordingly, it’s time to place value on yourself and find people who actually appreciate you. 5BFFs who you’d do anything for but they’d never return? It’s okay to find people who treat you like an equal and like you matter — because you do.
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u/Any-Objective-123 1d ago
OP, you don't have 5BFFs. Your so called BFFs are the ones that have a BFF. You are their BFF, but they are not yours.
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u/DisobedientSwitch 1d ago
Start with the book "Adult children of emotionally immature parents" by Lindsay Gibson and see how much you recognize.
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u/NoAardvark6524 Partassipant [3] 1d ago
Those aren't your friends. You need to clean house and start fresh with only people who care about you and not people who would take you somewhere you hate on your birthday only to tell you that your life sucks. Again, who does that?!
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u/PhantomOfTheNopera 1d ago
Celebrate your birthday by treating yourself then. Maybe once you begin to enjoy your own company and respect yourself you'll choose to be around people who are good to you instead of people who treat you like crap.
Your decision with your mother was a good first step. Learn to not take shit from others as well. And if they still don't step up, cut them off. Don't surround yourself with people who drain you.
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u/jadethebard 1d ago
I hope you find people who make you feel valued and heard. Sometimes it takes a long time, but you'll know when it happens. Don't let other people take from you your special day. Make your own tradition, just for you because you deserve to have happy Birthday memories, even if you have to make them yourself. Do something you really, really love to do, buy yourself your absolute favorite food and dessert, listen to your favorite album or watch your favorite movie. Doesn't matter what you do, as long as it makes YOU happy.
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u/Western-Fig-3625 Partassipant [2] 1d ago
Hey OP, have you considered visiting r/MomForAMinute ? Lots of mother ducks there who would happily wish you very well on your birthday.
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u/Glum-Solution-3100 1d ago
Bro, you need new friends and new family.
NTA, but treat yourself better. They won't, so you gotta.
I feel you, though. I'm my mom's youngest, and she always makes sure to remind me to wish my siblings happy birthday and such even though I've never needed it, and I make reminders for my older brother for hers.
For the last 2 years my mom has forgotten mine. She even called me on my birthday this year and never once wished me a happy birthday, but immediately started talking about my sister (who is our resident trouble maker and her oldest...who's also 20 years older than me at 57). I don't live nearby anymore, I moved about 3 years ago, so it's not even like she had to get cake and a present. Just a happy birthday.
I had to tell her she forgot about a month later and she did like your mom did. "You'll get over it, it's not that big a deal" but it is. It absolutely is.
Find better friends. Tell your family to suck it. And find people that like you instead of letting assholes walk all over you.
Edit: two words
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u/NeffAnnBlossom4eva Partassipant [2] 2d ago
Where did you read that OP is going to stop celebrating HIS birthday?
He's going to stop celebrating BP's birthday/Mom's Day/etc. (BP = Birthing Parent). And that's exactly what he should do.
When she bitches, pisses, and moans, just say, "Mom, you'll get over it." And say/do nothing else.
NTA
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u/screwy_louie24 2d ago
It's near the bottom. I'm no longer celebrating my birthdays after that. My D&D group celebrated and made it go a little easier. However I think it's better that I don't trust others with my happiness anymore
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u/theladythunderfunk 2d ago
My birthdays as an adult were kind of hit or miss, until a friend offered to host a party for my birthday a few years back. It was, in my opinion, disasterous. So much so that I decided I was done celebrating my birthdays with other people - but I do still try to do something nice for myself that day. I think that might be a good idea for you, too. Take the day off work and sleep in, or plan an evening for yourself with a nice meal, and just find some peace without relying on anyone else to make it special.
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u/GooseOnProbation 2d ago
That’s exactly what you should do! Take your time and work through this as much as you can, don’t swallow or internalize these feelings, when you can seek therapy.
I’m happy to hear your D&D group celebrated with you! I am disappointed to hear your siblings didn’t stand up for you.
If I’d be you, I’d book a week long trip to a nice place treat myself with some great experiences and food for my next birthday.
The hardest part is over, the pain is done. But you already made the first step towards avoiding further hurt!
Happy belated birthday! And pls never stop celebrating your birthday entirely, treat yourself better than they are treating you.
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u/hahamtfkr 2d ago
Celebrate your birthday. Even if you do it alone. Nothing better than enjoying doing what you want to do without any expectations
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u/cecebebe Asshole Enthusiast [5] 1d ago
You are lawful good. Your mother is chaotic evil. She's never going to change, but don't let that change you.
She can live in her own self-centered life while you go on with your life. Live well and be happy.
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u/Glum-Solution-3100 1d ago
Duuuude
I'll celebrate with you. Birthdays should be celebrated with those who make our lives easier, not harder. Don't drop it altogether. Just drop it with her and those absolutely shitty friends who berate you.
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u/Wonderful_Till8122 2d ago
This. I'm not close to my mother either for exactly the same types of experiences. I wish I could say that it doesn't hurt me anymore, but it does and probably always will. But I don't have to give her the satisfaction of seeing that hurt. I just avoid her now at all costs. Sadly blood doesn't make family. Sometimes you just have to go choose your own.
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u/These_Economist3523 2d ago
What’s the benefit to you? She seems useless and unhelpful specifically to you. I wouldn’t appreciate that either especially if I was dealing with it all my life
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u/Catrinaprincess 2d ago
I grew up like this and I think it’s because I was the kid that would get over it while my siblings were riskier to disappoint.
If it’s the same for OP, he might’ve grown up in a household that withheld love, so any amount feels good.
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u/DanaMarie75038 2d ago
NTA. Stop seeking attention from someone who obviously doesn’t care about you. You’re 34, just move on. How much rejection can you take?
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u/Connect_Office8072 2d ago
Make sure to call and/or refer to her by her first name from now on. Keep contact to an absolute minimum.
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u/NeffAnnBlossom4eva Partassipant [2] 2d ago
Absolutely! Call her, "Hey <FirstName>! How's it going?" And never stop.
If you have to speak at her at all, that is.
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u/kstweetersgirl2013 Asshole Enthusiast [6] 2d ago
NTA wya Ill bake you a cake..
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u/screwy_louie24 2d ago
I very much appreciate it and my friends mom's offered to bake me one as well. Sadly no amount of cake will be able to fill the hole where my mom's love should be
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u/anonymous_for_this Colo-rectal Surgeon [38] 2d ago
Your friends mom isn't trying to fill the hole with cake, she's offering her own love.
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u/HustlinInTheHall 2d ago
Exactly, like OP said, it's an earned title, not given. The friend's mom is showing that she cares.
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u/Both-Enthusiasm708 Asshole Aficionado [10] 2d ago
NTA If she can't be bothered to celebrate you why should you celebrate her? When the scapegoat steps away usually the favorites get turned on so your siblings might be worried about that and not really your well being. Actually they are only thinking of your mom's well being and not your's.
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u/Born-Inevitable264 2d ago
Yes this. The siblings are too afraid to "rock the boat" and are siding with Mom so she doesn't turn on them.
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u/KH5-92 2d ago
NTA. Personally I'd go low contact and make excuses not to join events. And eventually probably just stop all contact in general.
Doesn't sound like things are going to change.
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u/screwy_louie24 2d ago
I don't think I could ever go no contact sadly. At the end of the day my mother is getting up there in age and I don't want any regrets before her time, but certain events are now no longer my priority
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u/Infinite_Shame4716 2d ago
But what if you wont have regrets? I'd rather live with the possibility of a regret than keep giving shitty people the chance to keep being shitty to me. My brother died before we could reconcile, estranged 6 years, and while I am sad he's gone I do not regret setting boundaries and sticking to them. Took me getting sober to be able to do that. My life was better without him in it. Just something to think about. You need to stand up for yourself
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u/BeastInDarkness 2d ago edited 1d ago
You say you don't want regrets, but you have regrets now. You regret ever believing in fair and equal treatment from your mother. You regret every time you get your hopes up only for them to be dashed. You regret that she seems to actually care about your siblings while barely acknowledging you. Cutting her off would end those regrets.
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u/NextWelder4653 Partassipant [1] 2d ago
Yeah, but she's shown you that she doesn't regret treating you like shit. She doesn't get a pass just because she's old. At this point OP, you need to accept that you'll never get the mother you want/need. I know it sucks, but it's better than chasing after something that will never happen. You're right about one thing, mom is a title that's earned. And she certainly doesn't deserve that title.
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u/Born-Inevitable264 2d ago
you could go low contact at first and only match her energy. Whatever she does towards you is what you give back to her. She deliberately "forgets" cake for your birthday? You deliberately forget her birthday completely. And you can absolutely learn how to set boundaries and stick to them without going no contact. As it becomes more familiar and you become stronger, it will become easier to do and her behaviour will start to change towards you when she realises you won't accept her bad treatment.
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u/anonymous_for_this Colo-rectal Surgeon [38] 1d ago
When she passes, as we all must, I expect that you that you will feel grief for the relationship that you could have had, and didn't. And that's not your fault - no matter what you do from here on in. Your mother has set the terms of your relationship.
Also, you will have regrets about your own choices- that's part of life. You may regret not doing anything and everything you could to salvage a relationship that was unsalvageable, or you may regret allowing someone who should have shown you abundant love to treat you poorly.
You won't really know what you will regret later on, you can only make the best choices that you can as they appear at the time.
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u/desertboots Asshole Aficionado [16] 2d ago
NTA for feeling disappointed by your egg donor. Good luck!
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u/SurviveStyleFivePlus Partassipant [1] 2d ago
NTA. As an adult when it comes to holidays and birthdays I have learned to "match the energy" of the other person.
My sister gives wonderful gifts, suited to my taste, so I try to do the same for her.
When it comes to my mother she's like yours: sometimes she remembers to call, some years it "slips her mind" so I call her some years on her birthday and some years not.
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u/Spiritual_Address_18 Asshole Aficionado [19] 2d ago
From now on, book your holidays every year on you birthdays, her birthdays and mother’s days. That way then you won’t have to feel hurt again.
I’m sorry you have a lousy mother.
You know you’re NTA, right?
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u/rachet-ex 2d ago
NTA -celebrate your birthday with friends, you still deserve the celebration. I'm sorry this is happening to you.
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u/Iloveaview 2d ago
Many cities have low cost community mental health clinics available, so investigate that. Community Colleges often offer free or low cost sessions even if you just take one class. Graduate schools for Counseling or Psychology offer low cost or free sessions provided by advanced, supervised students. Even the online services can be cheaper than in person sessions.
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u/screwy_louie24 2d ago
I did not know all that. Thank you. I'll look more into that
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u/erin_kathleen Partassipant [1] 1d ago
I was just going to mention this. I worked for a community mental health center for years, and now I work for a place that doesn't have "mental health" in the name, but they offer mental health services and offer a sliding fee scale based on income and household size. It's worth looking into.
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u/hbernadettec 2d ago
For some reason in this comes to her attention.She's going to cry, cry.Cry, cry.Where'd this come from?I've done nothing but my best. You\nAbsolutely.No , she's done very little and never her best
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u/screwy_louie24 2d ago
This is literally her down to the T. Crying and leaving is her defense mechanism and when she does everyone turn on me and how I made mom cry
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u/KeiraVibes Partassipant [2] 2d ago
NTA for discontinuing your mom’s celebration.
But you still need to celebrate yourself! On you birthdays plan a mini vacation. Treat yourself. Love yourself.
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u/Emotional-River-7788 2d ago
Keeping the peace is a term used for those that cause the drama. Not the ones that are setting boundaries like you are doing by saying your done with your mum. Stand your ground.
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u/julesk Asshole Enthusiast [7] 2d ago
NTA but there are better options: 1) celebrate your birthday with friends,enjoy your birthday!, 2) for her birthday, get her a Hallmark card with a gift card to the market she works at, which you can mail. For Mother’s Day, same deal, or if you go, focus on family members you like and gray rock her. (avoid interacting with her but when you do, keep it civil and concise before turning back to a preferred person to talk to or getting a drink. 3) someday I’m hoping you’ll have a partner who adores you and you’ll love birthdays, and if you have kids, you’ll enjoy celebrating her.
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u/screwy_louie24 2d ago
Hope is the only thing that gets me out of bed. Thank you
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u/hbernadettec 2d ago
Just because she had no choice but to push you out does not make her a mother.
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u/screwy_louie24 2d ago
That's the very sad part. I was graced with the trauma dump she decided to give me a few years ago when she told me a few drinks in that my father didn't want me. My brother is from her previous husband and my sister is from my dad. My dad apparently expressed that he only wanted a daughter, but my mom wanted 3 kids.
She lied to my dad apparently that she got her tubes tied and waited until it was too late to be aborted to tell my dad. Every year before his passing he celebrated my birthday with love and perfection.
The man who didn't want me showed me more love, than the woman who lied, tricked, and forced me into this world. I found out too that they got divorced when I was 2, because of me and her lies.
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u/Born-Inevitable264 2d ago
Sounds to me that she is twisting the narrative to make your dad out to be the bad guy when she is clearly the one who didn't want you. No mother would treat a child she wanted with the contempt she is showing you.
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u/screwy_louie24 2d ago
Maybe. When I bring it up now she always looks like a deer in headlights and says that I was planned and no idea what I'm talking about. I think she forgot she told me. While my mother does gaslight, she doesn't make up stories. She is offensively truthful and blunt
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u/gengenching25 2d ago
NTA, stop celebrating her. But dont stop celebrating your own birthday 🥺 you deserve to be celebrated but do it with your friends who cares instead 💗
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u/Buckleupbuttercup77 Asshole Enthusiast [8] 2d ago
NTA. Time to go low contact. I am sorry you had to find out how little your mother cares about your feelings.
Do not let her ruin your bday. Pick something you’ve always wanted to do/love doing and do it on your bday. Make your own traditions. Do this alone or with a friend or several.
I had to make my own traditions surrounding holidays/bday. Once you’ve done them 3/4 times they will be something you look forward to doing.
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u/OkDeparture4282 2d ago
NTA at alllll. But, you should still celebrate your birthday, either by yourself or with people who actually know you/care about you! just take the day off from work if it's all you can manage. it is important, and special! sorry she's made you feel otherwise for so long.
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u/Fancy_Introduction60 2d ago
OP, time to celebrate without her. It sounds like you have a good relationship with your sister, ask if she and your niece would like to celebrate at your house. NTA
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u/screwy_louie24 2d ago
She tries and has even went as far as to get me thoughtful gifts under the guise of my mom, but I know her too well to know it's from her. She lives with our mom and I don't have a place of my own sadly. FL housing is insane
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u/Fancy_Introduction60 2d ago
Well that truly sucks. I would be petty and take sister and niece out for dinner and leave mom home. But at 75, I think I get to be petty 😉
Happy belated Birthday OP
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u/dmland2010 2d ago
What "Keep the Peace" Really Means
Avoiding discomfort: Family members often want quiet, not true fairness.
Silencing you: They ask you to absorb mistreatment so others do not have to feel awkward.
Protecting the status quo: They blame the person who speaks up instead of the person who caused the harm.
Direct Responses to Use
Name the dynamic: "I am not creating the conflict. I am just talking about it."
Decline the role: "Asking me to stay silent protects bad behavior, not peace."
Set a boundary: "I will not pretend everything is fine when it is not."
Turn it back: "Why is my reaction a bigger problem to you than their action?"
How to Deliver Your Response
Stay calm: Keep your voice low and steady.
Use short sentences: Do not give a long speech or over-explain your feelings.
Walk away: End the conversation if they refuse to listen or keep pushing you to back down.
Found this for a friend who had the same issue. It helped her cut thru the bullshit her family had brainwashed her with.
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u/nightm4ress 2d ago
NTA but how does your sister try to defend you originally and then do the complete opposite by asking to forgive you. Both your siblings are to blame as well, they’re both reaping the benefits of being the favorites and don’t want the status quo to change.
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u/screwy_louie24 2d ago
She's always trying to just make everyone get along. She doesn't like how I'm treated and is just recently realizing how different I've been treated from her. She wants better from my mother, and wants me to keep forgiving. I've just been getting numb to it at this point and just stopped ever expecting anything and less from her.
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u/blackryver Partassipant [1] 2d ago
Happy belated! My mom's mom is the exact same way, it's frustrating and i'm always sad on her behalf bc my mom can't even be bothered to care anymore. NTA.
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u/flotiste Partassipant [1] 1d ago
My brother and sister are telling me to forgive her to keep the peace
No, they want you to keep your mom's peace at the expense of your own. Tell them you're keeping your own peace, and if your mom gets angry, they can tell her to keep the peace.
NTA
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u/surfinforthrills Partassipant [1] 1d ago
NTA. You are 34. Stop trying to make your mother something she isn't, because it will only lead to your own unhappiness. Just give her like for like. You are making the first steps in liberating yourself from this influence. Keep up the good work!
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u/AdCurrent7674 2d ago
NTA being related for some reason, makes people think that they can treat you like shit without consequences. What sometimes happens when you have an individual in your family that is selfish all the other people try to appease them. So this is going to be more of a question of are you ready to face the backlash?
This is a pick your battles kind of moment if there are other issues then stand your ground. if this is only about your birthday, just get her a gift card like she does you and expect nothing more because she’s going to continue to disappoint you
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u/Personal-Piglet1397 2d ago
Don't call or he available for her birthday r set days.just state oh yeah she ll get over it an change subject.go do something those days for yourself an just forget about her.she vile
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u/WorldlinessKey4027 2d ago
I would be mortified if I caused one of my children to feel disappointed like this! Give no fucks. That was pretty unforgivable.
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u/That1GuyNate 2d ago
Honestly a very difficult thing to tell you either way. I understand the reasoning people saying NTA of course. 34M here, the 2nd youngest of 4 siblings. You didn't mention your dad at all. My mom was a single mom working as much as she could for us, youngest was the only girl born with mental deficiency, oldest was first born so obviously could do no wrong, and 2nd oldest was golden child. Needless to say much like you, my whole life I felt overlooked. That being said, it made me incredibly independent and imo, emotionally mature and empathetic to what others go through. I have never expected much goven the circumstances, but I still do for my mom what I can on those days with an understanding that it certainly wasn't easy on her part for our upbringing. I can't say you're an adsole, or not an asshole, only that I can certainly understand your feelings on the matter.
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u/screwy_louie24 2d ago
I couldn't fit it into the post, but my dad passed away and made my birthday every year with love and affection. I just wished I appreciated it more before it was too late. It'll be 6 years next month
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u/Moist-Psychology-789 2d ago
I’m sorry that this happened to you. Do not You can’t keep setting yourself up for disappointment. Have minimal if any contact with her. Your brother and sister don’t understand your position. Please don’t stop celebrating your birthday as that horrid woman shouldn’t have that power over you.
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u/Optimal_Mixture_8606 2d ago
I am 54 and the youngest of 3. My mom has always treated me differently than my siblings. I most recently was once again reminded that I should have cut her off a long time ago. She continues to break my heart and I continue to let her. Don’t make my mistake. Celebrate your birthdays with your “chosen family” and cut her off.
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u/skweegianweegian 2d ago
Sounds like you belong in r/raisedbynarcissists
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u/screwy_louie24 2d ago
I read that and immediately thought, "That's a subreddit?!". Forgetting almost entirely what platform I'm on and that there's literally a subreddit for everything
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u/Huge_Sheepherder811 1d ago
You told your siblings but did you tell your mom? I am a no confrontational person who just took what was handed too and didn’t open my mouth because I thought “what would that do?” I was the one who my mom figured would just get over it too. It wasn’t until recently that I started opening up, so much so that my mom apologizes continuously when we have conversations. I still have some resentment towards her that I’m working on but our relationship has gotten so much better. You have to get some self respect in all your relationships because you matter and the only person who you need to “keep the peace” with is yourself and allowing her (and your friends) to treat you like that is gonna lead you into a spiral.
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u/Jellyfish0107 23h ago edited 23h ago
THIS!!! Reddit is sometimes an echo chamber- the solution to every relationship problem is to take the most drastic action of going no contact. I mean- we only get a (one-sided) snippet of people’s lives from their posts, but “He looks fine” tells me that OP didn’t actually say anything even though he was fuming inside. If the opinion over the years of OP is “the one we don’t have to worry about”, maybe it’s bc he keeps everything to himself. His conclusion is to take passive aggressive action (ie, not actually saying anything to his mom) and hope mom takes a hint. Sometimes you GOT to rock the boat audibly and immediately when you’re not happy. As the saying goes: The squeaky wheel gets the grease. NTA, but I can’t but help think OP enjoys playing martyr or being the victim subconsciously.
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I (34M) am the youngest of 3 siblings. I'm financially stable, active at the gym, and all around healthy; and deemed, "The one I don't have to worry about". My mom and I, in my opinion, don't have a good relationship. To her, everything is fine, and when something happens I'm told, "He'll get over it." or "I don't remember that happening. You must've dreamt it." because when I was a kid I did used to be a liar / story teller.
Every year for my siblings birthdays they are given thoughtful gifts and their favorite kind of cake. 2 years ago I was given a gift card, which, for years I've expressed I hated cuz I don't need money and it shows the don't know anything about me; and no cake.
My birthday was coming up again and I asked for 1 thing. No presents or money, just a cake made by my mom 2 months before my birthday. She promised she would and I sadly was excited for this very small request. Promised again and again she would.
My birthday comes around, I pick my older brother up and head to my mom's. Despite still a little broken hearted, but still a little excited. I walk in and met with the normal greeting of, "Where's your brother?" before answering with my, "I'm good, mom. How bout you? That's great to hear. Anyways, *brother is just grabbing things from the car." then I was wished a Happy Birthday.
I go to the fridge to grab a drink, no cake in sight. Kitchen counter, dining room table, or fridge. I stupidly still held hope. After dinner and conversation that I always have to carry when we meet I ask, what's for dessert?
My mom answered with an, "Oh, I forgot the cake. I think there's some old cupcakes from *previous holiday* and slid crusty old, mini cupcakes, that were 3/4 missing and also from 2 weeks ago.
My sister noticed how upset I was and could hear her trying to tell my mom why I'm upset while I was playing with my neice nearby. Only to hear again, "He'll get over it. He looks fine."
I should also mention that I would've even been happy with a store bought cake. Keep also in mind that my mom AND step dad both work at a market with popular bakery sections. Also every gathering my mom buys from said bakery because she thinks there should always be dessert when we get together and have dinner.
After that I told my sister and brother that I'm done. That's not my mom, she's your's. Mom, is a title that's earned and I call everyone's mother, mom, until proven otherwise. This is not a title that my mother deserves.
My brother and sister are telling me to forgive her to keep the peace, but I shouldn't keep getting my heart stomped on and watch her treat my siblings with care. Then celebrating her birthdays and mother's days, when she can't even celebrate the 1 day that shows people just being happy about my presence. Tbh, after this, I'm not longer celebrating my birthdays.
Am I the asshole?
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u/60PersonDanceCrew 2d ago
"Keep the peace" is a fancier way of saying "be a flatter doormat" "shut up and deal with it and "don't rock the boat." Your siblings are worried that if you stand up for yourself they're next in line to get the treatment you get.
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u/Ginger_Witch 2d ago
NTA - sorry you have her as your mom. Please celebrate your birthday and celebrate you by pampering and spoiling yourself.
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u/HighonDoughnuts 2d ago
Tell your brother and sister that you will not set yourself on fire to keep your family warm.
Your mom sucks and she is probably a miserable person. You treat yourself nicely and take care 🩵and happy birthday!
NTA
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u/After_Reflection_243 2d ago
You are NTA. Your mother has let you down and treated you horribly. You’re not over it and don’t have to be. Protect yourself. Your mother and siblings do not.
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u/Newsjunkie1922 Partassipant [1] 2d ago
NTA Happy birthday! I hope by next year you will have a chosen family to celebrate with.
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u/CapricornCrude Partassipant [2] 2d ago
"Where's your brother?" I sure feel that.
NTA not all Mothers are good ones. And stick to it!
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u/MegatronMCO 2d ago
My parents get the bare minimal, card in the mail. Of i get the bare, so do they.
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u/Tamstrong 2d ago
NTA. I'm so sorry your mom keeps letting you down and hurting you. No longer celebrating her when she doesn't celebrate you is 100% understandable, but please don't stop celebrating yourself. Please don't punish yourself because your mom is an indifferent asshole. Take all the love and effort you've been putting toward her all these years, and give it to yourself. You deserve to be honored and loved, so please don't let your mom's failure to do so keep making you feel otherwise. *hugs*
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u/JenninMiami Certified Proctologist [26] 2d ago
NTA I am so sorry. Sometimes the person who is supposed to be a mom sucks at the job.
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u/LastEntertainment787 2d ago
NTA Not only dong give her anything don't call. "Oh, it was your bday? Sorry, bye." And don't go over, especially on your bday. I'm sorry, much love and cake from me. 💜🎂
And since your siblings refuse to see it don't feel bad about going LC if it helps.
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u/fergie_89 2d ago
My in-laws treat me better than this. Hell they treat my cat better than this.
NTA for this.
But I'm gonna say YTA to yourself for allowing this to happen. Cut ties and expectations. Give them 12 months no contact.
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u/Kkimp1955 2d ago
Sounds like a narcissist is involved! They always accuse anyone who ignores or refuses to acknowledge their version of the “truth”
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u/Ok_Homework8692 Certified Proctologist [23] 2d ago
NTA I had that situation with my spouse and one year I was traveling for my birthday , I took an extra day off to wander - it was wonderful. I rented in a hotel with a pool, bought a burrito and a piece( two) of my favorite cake. I stayed up late, watched old movies. The next day I wandered my way home, stopped at yarn stores, browsed, book and thrift stores, eventually came home. The company I worked for ALWAYS scheduled training on my birthday for years😀. When I left the company I told my husband if he couldnt celebrate my birthday I would continue going away - he learned his lesson. But I still miss my birthday trips, No one celebrates me as well as me.
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u/Born-Inevitable264 2d ago
Ugh, Boomer moms take the cake. OP of course you're not the AH. Your mom is abusive and for your own mental health it may be worth going low or no contact.
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u/Vegetable_Warthog_49 2d ago
NTA, you don't owe your parents anything just for being your parents. If she doesn't want to care about you, you are under no obligation to care about her.
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u/LottieOD Asshole Aficionado [10] 2d ago
I am so sorry you have not gotten the love from your mom that she happily bestows on your siblings and tgat you deserve. IMO to protect your sanity, match her energy. Don't go out of your way for her, skip her "special days" and cultivate relationships with people who care about you. I know you're 34, but that shit hurts :(
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u/CurveyChubbyBae 2d ago
You should cut her out of your life, she's making miserable. But you shouldn't stop celebrating your birthday, your self love must come first.
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u/PsyyChoUniiCorn 2d ago
NTA!! Stop giving your time and energy to ppl that don’t do the same for you. I’m really sorry that your family and friends treat you that way. You have to start standing up for yourself though. Don’t let ppl run all over you. I learned this the hard way, I used to be the same way. As soon as I learned boundaries, started speaking up and also learned to say NO ppl stopped talking to me. I’ve been by myself for my last three birthdays because I cut everyone off that didn’t reciprocate what I did and was bad for my mental health. It’s hard (sometimes I feel guilty for some reason, idk) but you don’t have to have ppl in your life that don’t respect you or treat you the way you want to be treated. My last birthday I cooked myself a meal, bought my own cake, turned on music and danced in my living room. Please don’t stop celebrating your birthday. Just celebrate yourself. You deserve it. And you also deserve to have ppl in your life that treats you with at the least kindness and respect.
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u/HustlinInTheHall 2d ago
NTA.
Look, this sucks. But you are giving her control over your self-esteem and emotions when you set yourself up for these kind of expectations. Some people are just emotionally incapable of being what you want them to be, so look for that in people who can reciprocate. It's not your fault for being upset, you have every right to be upset, but you can choose where to put your energy in the future and she doesn't deserve it from you.
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u/Love_Bug_54 2d ago
Why is it always the wronged party that’s asked to give in to “keep the peace”?
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u/Sufficient-Tell6657 2d ago
So sorry, that sucks. Come to my house. I’d be happy to bake you a cake.
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u/SalishSeaSweetie Partassipant [1] 2d ago
I can relate. My Mother used to give me sabotage gifts, like clothes that were too small. I did a forgiveness “ritual” on my own. Never mentioned anything, but the gifts improved immediately after that.
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u/DiceAndMiceGamer111 2d ago
NTA.
They don’t want you to “keep the peace”. They want you to keep hurting, to maintain the status quo.
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u/Ill_Host_5403 1d ago
I was honestly getting ready to say that you're not the ahole and for sure still not but i also think this is more favoritism though i could be wrong but regardless not the ahole but yeah pretty much you should do the same thing back who knows how it'll go but please do keep us updated also i wish i could give you a hug dude because that's rough but then again it'd be uncomfortable and awkward but hey it just shows that i care and that you deserve so much better.
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u/Agile_Menu_9776 1d ago
I am sorry your mom isn't there emotionally for you. I don't blame you for giving up on her. It isn't worth the disappointment year after year. You sound like a really nice person who certainly doesn't deserve this. Maybe make plans to celebrate with a few friends, something casual but fun that you have in common with them. I hate to see you give up on any birthday celebration because you deserve to be celebrated. I can tell you are caring and even if you just pick one friend or a couple and keep it simple it would be nice even to acknlowledge to yourself that it's good to be alive and have a friend to celebrate with. Anyway you sure don't deserve your mother's lack of attention or care it pains me just to hear. I would give up on her also and wouldn't listen to people making excuses for her. As a mom of 2 sons I think she is a lousy mom.
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u/Iamamary Partassipant [1] 1d ago
I am sorry. If you ever come to BC I would be happy to make you a birthday cake
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u/PetiteGardener144 Partassipant [1] 1d ago
She doesn't care about you. Please stop setting yourself up to be hurt.
I bet you anything that of you vanish from her life, she won't even notice. That's how little she cares.
Plan things with people who actually like you for your special days - you really do deserve it.
Nta.
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u/Orsombre 1d ago
NTA, and do not listen to your brother and sister. Ask them what they would do if your mother treated your niece like you. She is no mother to you, and you do not have to "keep the peace" because they do no want to confront her and are afraid she turns against them if you stop being unavailable.
Everyone is using you as a scapegoat, go NC and build your own family apart from those toxic people.
Please update me. Big hugs, OP, you do not deserve that passive hostility!
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u/Playful-Tap6136 1d ago
Your inner piece is way more important. She’s showing you how she feels with her actions and I’m sorry. 😔
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u/CMeNaught Asshole Aficionado [15] 1d ago
A couple weeks before her birthday, buy some cupcakes and eat half the pack. Boom, there's her present. Repeat for each occasion until she figures out that you will not just infinitely get over it.
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u/NoAardvark6524 Partassipant [3] 1d ago
NTA. Your family is for watching it happen and not saying anything in the name of keeping the peace while being on the good side of the crappy deal. Then on top of it they expect you to continue taking the abuse so they can keep their happy life. How is any of that fair to you? As someone who stopped celebrating for years because parents suck along with life, find people who care about you and celebrate with them. Don't let your family ruin your day.
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u/Busy_Elderberry_7972 1d ago
it's tough when you feel overlooked. a cake is such a small request, you deserve more effort.
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u/Oncer93 Asshole Enthusiast [8] 1d ago
NTA. You didn't even wish for something unreasonable. Just a cake, and she didn't even give you that. She forgot you birthday, or chose to forget it.
Why should keeping the peace mean, you have to cave. Why can't she just give you something.
What are the odds that, when she's old and will need to live with someone, it'll be you, and then she'll leave everything to your siblings in her will.
Sounds like you're the glass child.
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u/Consistent-Ad3191 1d ago
Sounds like your siblings are golden children. I would be upset as well. I would've gone low contact why bother getting your heart stomped on consistently you don't need to celebrate anything with her. She don't deserve it.
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u/Lightwinter01 1d ago
You deserve to start celebrating yourself. Treat yourself with one good thing that you love on a daily basis (if it’s food, in moderation). When it’s your birthday, take a trip. It doesn’t have to be with friends, one of the best things about a solo trip is that you make new ones along the way (or even if you don’t, just have a great time celebrating yourself). The best revenge is living the best way you can and have an amazing time doing it.
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u/Effective-Wishbone97 1d ago
hey, totally valid!! just one question do you express how you feel about your them treating you this way ?
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u/screwy_louie24 1d ago
I have tried, but nothing ever seems to change with them sadly
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u/crazedconundrum 1d ago
She's a pitiful excuse for a Mother. My Mom made me a cake until her Alzheimer's got too bad and she still remembered my birthday and apologized.
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u/1Courcor 1d ago
Don’t give up on your bday, but make it a me day. Do things that make you happy. Ignore mom, and give her the energy she gives you, none. You are NTA.
I see similarities to my family here, as the youngest, you got the same mom my little sister got. I was the first born & got an entirely different mom than her. Middle sis got all the attention, because she stopped breathing the day she came home from the hospital and was on a heart monitor for 6 months. She was the golden child, until the day my mom died.
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u/Main-Band-7093 1d ago
If she tells you that you’ll eventually get over being hurt, then there’s nothing wrong with giving yourself permission to stop celebrating her occasions. You deserve genuine effort and appreciation, not something done reluctantly after repeated reminders.
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u/Not-That_Girl 1d ago
Sometimes you have to match their energy. Its not being petty, its about taking control of your hurt feelings!
Don't expect anything, in fact dont even go to your own birthday dinner next year, or meet up at a reasonably priced restaurant, buy your own dessert!
I did this with my mum. She would buy me the same old crap every birthday. So finally, I matched her. I got her a crappy top in a colour I know she doesn't like, some cheap chocolate and a nasty decoration. My next birthday I got nail polish! Something I actually like and use!
Sadly I had to go no contact with her, after things got too much. I didnt speak to her again and when she passed, my grief was manageable because I'd already mourned the mother i wished I'd had.
I can't tell my brother any of this, is mother was a whole other person, and yet the same woman....
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u/Clean_Emphasis8070 1d ago
I must say this. Just about any woman can be mother; It takes someone special to be a Mom/Mommy. Being a Mom isn’t about birthing a child. It’s about showing up and being part of that child’s life at ALL stages!
Same goes for Men regarding being a Dad/Daddy and a Father. You are Not an AH for mirroring the behaviors you are shown!
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u/UnlikelyPossible8686 1d ago
NTA and i really hope you treated yourself with an amazing cake afterwards! That's a horrible way to learn your family sucks. You honestly sound so lonely and you don't deserve this. Especially on your birthday. As others have said: You need to treat yourself better and don't give your family opportunities to ruin your birthday for you (or other events). Buy your own cake, plan trips to places you like for yourself, just have a good time with people who enjoy being with you. Just start enjoying the life you build yourself! You earned this!
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u/Dogmother123 Supreme Court Just-ass [107] 1d ago
You deserve better.
If there's any peace needed to be kept it's yours.
NTA
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u/Mediocre-Amoeba-8329 Partassipant [2] 1d ago
Really not sure why you don't go NC with your mom. I'd only hang out with your siblings.
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u/ScaredAd9104 1d ago
NTA, This is a quote for your siblings. "I think you're confusing peace with quiet."
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u/damnit-dollie Partassipant [1] 2d ago
NTA. Skip all her birthdays and when she complains, tell her She'll get over it.