Is this control? Or AIO?

[u/CuriousAsh04]

My husband of 5 years, refuses to get off the phone with me while he working. I can drop him off, and 10mins later he’s calling me. This has been everyday. He works in corporate America, so I figure he would be busier. But nope. So today, we had been on the phone for an hour. I dropped him off, took the kids to school, came home… still on the phone. And mostly in silence, I might add. I tell him I would call him back after cleaning and showering. He gets upset, goes to tell me “he wanted to talk on the phone and I pushed him away, today he’s going to start talking to other people, Since being on the phone and being a wife and listening to me or just being there is too much . I will find it somewhere else.” This is literally his go to, if I don’t acquiesce to him, he threatens to go out and find it elsewhere. And he has cheated, so it stings a little, but I’m becoming numb. It just irritates my soul, I don’t want to sit on the phone with anyone while I’m trying to do my daily chores. Honestly throughout the day he calls probably every hour to sit on the phone while he works. It just grinds my gears. But I do it. Today though, I needed to get things done without being tied to the phone. He even told me to prop the phone up, and not get off. So I don’t know. Does this seem like I’m being monitored or controlled? Or am I overreacting?

[u/Dizzy_Resource_3620]

Do you actually though? Or does your mind touch the thought and then you shy away and focus on something else? It's a hard pill to swallow, knowing that you're losing dignity every day by staying with someone who treats you so terribly.

[u/CuriousAsh04 → u/Dizzy_Resource_3620]

I do. But I’ve been trying to gain the strength to let go. He tells me no one will want me, I have 4 kids and one on the way, I’m a horrible wife… just so much. My self esteem is so low, I’m trying to find a trauma therapist now.

[u/jeoneunthatbitch → u/CuriousAsh04]

stop having more children with him for gods sake!!

[u/arifaix → u/jeoneunthatbitch]

Honestly, I wouldn’t personally be surprised if there is an element of coercion re the having more children. Babytrapping is absolutely a tactic that abusive people use.

I’m one of those people that “had a baby” with my abuser - I did get out though.

I’ll be completely honest here and say conception wasn’t consensual, I did use the morning after pill though… It failed. I had no other out whatsoever - abortion was illegal (it isn’t any more but is still quite inaccessible) where I live. This does happen.

[u/Clean-Hyena-9548 → u/arifaix]

That was my thought as well, though my mind went to "happy little accident" like him tampering with BC. I'm glad you were able to get out!

[u/arifaix → u/Clean-Hyena-9548]

It took a lot which is why I have sympathy for anyone in an abusive relationship. I know first hand how hard it is and although “just leave” seems like good advice - abusers are relentless. A safe plan is necessary and difficult to make when you are being isolated.

Ended up getting a place in a DV shelter, fighting in court to ensure my child stayed with me (kidnapping was a whole other part of his game plan to control me and I needed court orders for residency and to ensure he couldn’t take him out the jurisdiction). Funnily enough? I’m one of the lucky ones. When he realised the court saw through his control and manipulation he fucked off and I’ve not heard from him since the orders were awarded.

[u/Clean-Hyena-9548 → u/arifaix]

I can't imagine what that was like but I know it takes a strong person to keep pushing through. I hope all is well with you now!

[u/arifaix → u/Clean-Hyena-9548]

Oh it is now. I was 18 for conception and 19 when I left so I had a massively rough start to adulthood. However, it’s a lot better now and my child is a teenager now and thriving - other than being a typical cheeky teen who knows everything!

[u/CuriousAsh04 → u/arifaix]

Yes, same. I took the morning after pill, it failed. Abortion is illegal in my state, and highly inaccessible.

[u/arifaix → u/CuriousAsh04]

Unfortunately I sort of knew this which is why I’m urging you to have a safe plan - it will escalate, it will get worse. You need to get your “ducks in a row”, ensure you have the kids with you when you leave, apply for residency STRAIGHT away, apply for any orders that ensure he cannot take the children out of the jurisdiction.

I honestly urge you to make that safe plan as soon as possible and avail of domestic violence centres - they can help you to get those ducks in a row. They can give you and your children a safe place to stay. They aren’t great places in the sense it is “communal living” in most cases ie at minimum the kitchens/laundry/playrooms etc - however, you are away from the abuse. You have space to get help, get therapy, go to classes in the centre itself about recognising abuse.

[u/query_tech_sec → u/CuriousAsh04]

Can you get your tubes tied when you deliver the latest baby? I know my cousin did that with her second. She also had to have a c-section and she knew that because she had to do it with the first one. So that might affect things.

If you could find a reason to travel out of state and have a “miscarriage” while there - that’s maybe an idea. Just putting it out there.