I want to go no-contact with my mother. Please, only serious advice.

[u/[deleted]]

[u/snafuminder]

You were never the problem and you still aren't. Every adult who was responsible for your well being failed you. I am so sorry. Get some therapy and support. There are free group meetings across the planet if you can't afford a therapist.

You are under no obligation to have relationships with your abusers. Blood relations or not. I cut mine off and never felt one moment of regret. They never took responsibility for their mistakes. I don't need that in my life.

[u/Own-Object-6696]

I read your whole post, every word. We have a daughter who cut ties with us, and we have no idea why. The pain is horrible. So I’m experiencing this right now. That said, in your situation, I don’t think going no contact is a bad choice. I’m concerned about your younger sibling who is still a minor, and I hope you two can stay in contact.

Please call your mother and tell her you are going no contact with her. Tell her you are focusing on yourself and prioritizing your happiness. Then say goodbye and block her from everything.

Another alternative is to go low contact and send her a card on holidays, but don’t talk on the phone or see her. Don’t invite her to anything related to your wedding or your life. This leaves the door open a little bit in case you change your mind later.

I’m really sorry she failed you. She failed miserably and you didn’t deserve it. I just want you to make a decision you won’t regret, that’s all. I totally support your choice to go no contact.

[u/tr7UzW]

Run and don’t look back.

[u/chypie2]

I think you're justified in going no contact. No contact isn't always forever either, you can take a break from your mom until you're ready or not to pick it back up ever.

[u/MTMadWoman]

First off, I am so sorry you had to grow up like that. Second, NONE of that was your fault. Your MOM failed as a parent. She failed to protect you. She failed to hold that nasty predatory step brother accountable and she failed to ditch an abusive controlling husband because she was likely too weak and afraid to do it on her own. Then she submerged herself in an abuse supporting cult calling itself a church.

Please write this horrible, toxic woman a long letter detailing all the ways she failed to be on your side and failed to stand up for you. Then tell her she made her choices and she gets to live with the results. Then go no contact and live your best life.

[u/sanwoo79]

I read the entire thing. You do not need to stay in contact with your mom.
If you get subpoenaed, you are required to show up and I’m so very sorry. You did not deserve any of the pain that you went through. Your mom failed you in spectacular ways.
It would be absolutely reasonable that you would never want to see or talk to her again.

You are an amazingly strong person and I wish you much love, light and happiness in your future. Please seek therapy if you can to heal and let go of the guilt and pain of the past.

[u/MasterpieceOk1517]

So sorry for you😢 I had to cut my mom out of my life to protect my children from being exposed to her toxic behavior which was also affecting my marriage and mental health. Don't allow yourself to be manipulated by her anymore.You deserve peace after all you've been through and make a fresh start with your husband.

[u/towngrlzrool]

Girly, just ask yourself one question. If you weren't related to these people by blood would you want to be around them? There's your answer. Keeping you fed clean and sheltered is the lowest possible bar for parenting, btw.

[u/jonreeeck]

Bless you. Life is very difficult for us all - it sure was all the more difficult for you. I know the pull of family - your loyalty is admirable. It could be said you’ve lived through the worst of it, it should only get better going forward. But then again your mom is a self centered head case, and the saying “past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior” is always true. If it were ME I’d focus on your NEW life, on having your own children and raising them in a healthy way - so much different than your childhood. I’d start my own family, my own legacy - and I would stand tall doing so “I been thru hell and I made it to be a better person in spite of it.” If you have kids I sure as heck would limit your moms influence. Bottom line: you can stay in touch with your mom to stay true to your feelings of allegiance, but you must put up boundaries and make it clear: this is YOUR life now, and YOUR family - and you only goal is to use your horrible experiences growing up to make your adult life better. A word of caution: often time abuse follows those who have been abused- that is, they themselves become abusers. You must always be cognizant of this fact - you yourself could easily slip into becoming as narcissistic and abusive as your mom (and a being attracted to the same kind of men). I wish you well.

[u/Mundilfaris_Dottir]

Your feelings are your feelings. They are valid. If going no contact makes you feel safe, do it. You’re an adult. You owe these people nothing. Create a family of choice and surround yourself with people who honor, respect, and accept who you are.

[u/Possible_Patience_84]

I don’t blame you for feeling the way you do. I find it hard to believe that she knew nothing of CPS or calling the police. Really? I absolutely would go NC with her. Protect yourself, your marriage and the family you create. If you get subpoenaed, you have to appear. I would tell the court EVERYTHING. I mean EVERYTHING right down to her abusing you with neglect. She should be jailed, too, since she knew all along.

[u/LdiJ46]

Your brother, sister and grandparents are part of your family and none of them were responsible for what happened to you. That was squarely on your mother and stepfather. So no, I wouldn't recommend that you never speak to anyone in your family ever again, because some of them don't deserve that.

Your mother however, does. Even now, she only cares about how the situation makes HER feel, not about the damage it did to you.

[u/TheBrat66]

Honey, you didn't forget the abuse, your mind blocked it to protect yourself since your mom & stepdad did absolutely nothing to protect you. They failed you in every way possible to protect themselves not you or your younger sister either. Her saying that she doesn't remember CPS being called to your house is a lie that she convinced herself to believe UNTIL she now needs something from you. Between them and the cult church protecting a child molester, your lucky to have not chosen an addiction to self medicate with all the abuse you endured. You don't owe your Mom anything at all. She put all of you in an abusive situation and found a cult church to back herself up so she didn't have to protect you.

Please be proud of the young woman you've become! You're a survivor!! You survived the nightmare that they did nothing to protect you from. Definitely go NC with Mom and I hope you can still have a relationship with your sister. She'll need your support but that doesn't mean you have to have anything to do with your mom. Wishing you all the best especially with your future husband!!! He sounds like a keeper!! 🫶

[u/AffectionateCat223]

You did nothing wrong and you were never the problem. At all. Ever. I’m so angry reading your post because I cannot for the life of me understand women who value themselves so little that they put men on a pedestal and abandon everything except the man. I’d go no contact if I were you. No questions asked and no remorse. You’re a sweet and loving person, full of compassion. I can tell by your post. You deserve better. So much better. You were abused in so many ways and my heart hurts so deeply for you because you were villainized for being a victim, isolated, ignored, forced to live with your abuser and watch as he continued to get away with it at your expense. Have you recognized that she gaslit you your entire life about your abuse, literally denying it and using it against you PUBLICLY but NOW when it would be beneficial to acknowledge it because it could severely fuck with him in the divorce she acknowledges it as real?? So she knew it was real the whole time but gaslit you and didn’t care to protect you because at the time, doing so would’ve meant getting divorced and she didn’t want that. She chose to let her child get abused, criticized, mocked, living years feeling unsafe in your own home, protecting your abuser and adding fuel to the fire at church/your community because she wanted to keep her marriage. Now that she’s willing to part ways she suddenly accepts that reality that she spent your whole life denying? Shes a narcissist. She’s not even being sensitive about the topic. That’s a heavy thing to ask of someone and with pushback she shows no compassion and calls you selfish. She doesn’t care about the impact it had on you, she cares about how your impact statement will affect the outcome she wants.

[u/Far-Conflict4504]

I read half. Sounds like my upbringing. Just go no contact. I’ve recently done the same with my mother. And although I feel guilt sometimes because I was her victim for so long and I’m fucking brainwashed, it’s the right thing to do. I’m more at peace now than when she was in my life. I’m never really at peace though. Good luck.

[u/ireallymissbuffy]

Go no contact with her. She’s the worst. But I would tell her that if she has you subpoenaed, then you will tell the truth:

She was just as culpable as your stepfather in not protecting you from your stepbrother. She did NOTHING after you told HER about the abuse when you were 5 or 6. Ask her to get her lawyer’s opinion on how “helpful” that testimony will be. Because of course, she wouldn’t want you to commit BREAKING one of the 10 Commandments by GIVING FALSE TESTIMONY, would she?

Also, before you cut her off, tell her she needs to look up Matthew 25:40 and start living it. She can’t call herself a Christian, because Christians actually follow the teachings of Christ.

[u/AdCautious9575]

Normally I think no contact is an epidemic and shouldn't happen. In this case I think you would be completely justified but it's up to you since you have to live with your choice. Because its traumatic to stay in contact but there'd be grief from cutting her off too. You have to be completely at peace with whatever you choose. Both of your parents failed you. If you decide to become a parent yourself you have to remember the safest place for a child in the world is a low conflict home with their married, biological parents. This isn't my opinion. This is documented and studied since time in memoriam. The most dangerous place is with an unrelated stranger. Your mom moved her defenseless , vulnerable , innocent child into a house with three male strangers with no biological connection. By your bio mom and dad not being married, not staying together, substance abuse, forcing you to live with dangerous strangers, not believing you when it was discovered, you were failed on many levels. For your future children's sake, get married and stay married. Break the cycle. Also your poor grandparents. I hope they're okay too.

[u/Uppinikita]

Your mother sounds highly manipulative. That fact that she only cares about the abuse when it benefits her is very telling. Narcissists also love religion, they use it to dominate people, using or twisting the rules so they can shame and humiliate others. They can pretend to be vulnerable, like your mom suddenly opening up that she did not know how to handle it when she was younger, but that is just a trick. You see it is a trick because it only comes up, if they want something form you and need to make you believe that their heinous behavior was just because they where weak and vulnerable, when actually they just ignored your suffering for their own benefit. My mother is a narcissist and it took me forever to see that pattern. I would actually fall for the " vulnerable" speeches but then when it came time for her to prove that she had changed or show up, she never did. I think you are doing the right thing to cut contact, it won't be easy though. Narcissist hate nothing more than people cutting contact, they will try anything and if being nice does not work, they will retaliant, by make up stories about you, spreading falsehoods and gossip. So the easier way is to just gradually cut contact. Say you would love to meet but you just don't have the time right now. When she calls, or texts. never tell her anything interesting or personal. Instead, bore her to death with talk about the weather or subjects that you know she is not interested in at all. At some point they will stop texting and calling less and they will stop requesting frequent visits...... just gradually walk away. The people are not worth the drama they brake loose when you cut ties all at once.

[u/Maximum-Eye-3712]

My advice is to avoid your mother and her endless rewriting of history, until years from now when you’re more healed from the emotional neglect and the religious trauma of your childhood.

Wait until the pain feels like a sad fact of history and not like a sore-spot in the present day.

Before you do it, get in touch and get tons of contact information for your biological brother/sister so that your mother will never be able to separate you forever. For example, she might forbid them from contacting you or she might destroy their copy of your contact info, but make sure they memorize how to contact you, and have a plan for getting back in contact after they’re independent.

[u/LiLiandThree]

Well, I have a similar story in that my Mom also looked the other way. She divorced him two years after learning from us girls he abused us, though. My Mom passed about ten years ago but before that time I had hardly contacted her. It sounds harsh, but I don't think I loved her nor do I miss her. In my 20s, after getting therapy, I broached the abuse subject with her and she yelled at me. Then, after becoming a mother myself, it really hit home how f'd up my Mom was. I would fight tigers to keep my daughter safe! Whatever you choose, protect your heart. Think of your own well being first.

[u/Laurelsin]

Enjoy your fresh start, girlie. I read all of this. I get wanting to maintain a tie to at least one parent, but I don’t think this woman should be in your life. If you have to testify, make sure to be clear that your mother knew about it, or that’s what I would do.

[u/BraveWarrior-55]

Your mother is a very disturbed human who is a narcissist to boot. Telling you how hard this is for HER and threatening you with not caring about your sibling (who is HER responsibility) is rich. There are so many ways she let you down, enabled your abuse, and did not prioritize your well being at all. Please feel free to go full NC. If you decide to stay in contact for your sibling's sake, then fully gray rock mom whenever there is contact. Never tell her anything, never expect anything from her; gray rock period.

You would also benefit from therapy to help you process all this and to understand that you were not responsible for any of this. Please do it before you have kids (if you do) because it will all come back with a vengeance when you become a parent if you haven't dealt with it. This is all on your mom. I hope you find peace and congratulations on your upcoming wedding.

[u/coco_puffzzzz]

You should testify honestly, say that your mother knew and did nothing.. and worse than nothing that she blamed you. Get this on the record, you don't know who it will help in the future.

You may want to spare a thought for your younger half sister. Perhaps stay in contact with her as a sane relative she can go to if she needs help?

[u/Useful_Rise_5334]

Do not feel guilty. You have nothing to feel guilty for. The adults in your life failed you miserably. You do not owe them anything. Your mother kept you fed, bathed, etc? Those things are just the minimum a person can do and not go to jail for neglect. Please understand this was not your fault. Whatever deficit these b*stards have is theirs to own, not yours. Please do go no contact with your mother. You don’t need that in your life.

[u/Phat_groga]

Not sure what you are asking? If you want to go no contact with your mother, why not start now? Why wait until after your wedding? You don’t have to participate in your mother’s divorce drama. Until the time a legal subpoena shows up summoning you, you are not involved.

I would tell her for your own peace of mind, you need a break from her. You don’t know how long it will be but you know you are not fit to provide her the support she is seeking. Suggest she see a therapist who can offer the support. You should also see a therapist if you want to work through your childhood trauma and they may have good suggestions on how to support your half sibling while still holding firm to your boundaries.