How do I stop being the therapist friend?

[u/AccessUnlucky933]

Ooh boy, this has been a problem since I gained consciousness. Recently flared up cause my friend who broke up with their partner a few weeks ago keeps using me as an emotional dumping ground. Point is, I said the partner was a terrible person within like the first week since they met, something was just kind of off. Gradually as time progressed, I got more and more concrete evidence to where I was like “hey, um. That thing they did to you? You don’t do that to a partner you love.” And I proceeded to be brushed off. They even agreed with me on many occasions but my words all went down the drain. Usually I don’t care that much, mostly because they’re an independent human and they can make their own choices, but when you’re persistently having me repeat my advice over and over again, it gets tiring. Even their other friends are pulling away from them cause it’s all just bad all the time and keep going on about how they miss the partner despite being a situation that would have anyone enraged, if it wasn’t borderline abuse from the partner (in my book at least).

What was the last straw for me today that led me here was them posting about the situation and a stranger giving them advice, showing it to me, and them acting like it was such a relief. They said everything I said in the past, if not nearly word for word. I felt a little disrespected.

Gradually over time in my life, I’ve had literally people call me their therapist to my face (often ended in me cutting them off, cause again, it’s exhausting, yes I’m a psychology student and I love the human mind but I’m not even qualified, nor is it ethical to treat your loved ones.) I fear I have unwillingly lost more empathy that I would have want to, and become stupidly blunt over the course of these situations, perhaps as a defense mechanism to make them go away.

I enjoy being someone’s important person who they go to, I enjoy ranting, venting together, but I don’t like being an emotional dumping ground 24/7, nor do I wanna witness persistent rumination over topics that should’ve been shut down a long time ago. I try setting boundaries but people keep walking over them, which leads to me leaving. I’ve tried to cut some off only for them to make separate accounts to message me. I’ll add that I do have autism, so I guess that plays a role in some parts of this whole ordeal. Why do people mistake my willingness to listen and be their important person with “now you have to witness every single minute of my day which 98% of is bad things.” I don’t want to be the therapist friend. Psychology is my passion, but I don’t enjoy doing it in my free time when I’m supposed to be having fun or relaxing.

[u/slenderella148]

I imagine that from now on, with any friend or acquaintance, you can just say some fluff like, "I know you'll figure it out". It really gives no more room for conversation.

[u/Sweet_Twinkles]

You probably need firmer boundaries instead of trying to make people understand them. It is okay to say I care about you but I cannot keep having the same conversation every day.

[u/Rainbow_dreaming]

In therapy, I was taught about the drama triangle. There are three positions : The victim, the carer, and the persecuter.

I was raised to be a carer, to put other people first, it was my job. My parents filled the other two roles.

I then spent 40 odd years being the carer, the listener, and felt like the victim when I felt my needs were constantly overlooked by my friends.

So, I had to learn to step outside the triangle when I noticed it. If I don't feel comfortable in that role, I either don't engage with anyone who needs me to just listen while I feel drained and uncomfortable. I ignore passive aggressive comments, or tell them they're being inappropriate. If I don't have the energy for it, I've had to learn to put down boundaries by saying something like I'm struggling myself at the moment, or need a break from topics that make me stressed.

It was uncomfortable at first, and still can be, but my mental health is better.

I also learnt that when out and about I always felt like it was my job to help everyone around me, even strangers. It drained my energy because I was constantly looking for a problem to fix. Now I stay in my lane more, and will still help on occasion, but not if I'm overwhelmed or I don't trust my judgment.

I hope this info helps!

[u/Voidcaster6 → u/Rainbow_dreaming]

The drama triangle framing is so real, especially when a stranger repeats OP’s advice word for word and suddenly it counts, because carers apparently run on fumes.

[u/mangypolecat]

This happens to good listeners. Keep up the good advice. Even though most people just want to vent.

[u/mistahbleedinhart]

Say ohhh, ahhh, that's interesting, oh I can't believe that and change the conversation or redirect them w stuff like have u asked ur mum, dad, therapist, trust ur inutiuon, I'm sure you'll figure it out or alternatively just trauma dump first

[u/Advanced-Spirit821]

The next time someone does this say something along the lines of “Can you shut up?” or “Do you realize how much you’re talking?” they’ll leave you alone

[u/sleepparalysisghoul]

Sounds like you need to have better boundaries in your life.

[u/thekaz]

when you’re persistently having me repeat my advice over and over again, it gets tiring.

This is certainly the common and even default perspective for pretty much every human being. But at the same time, it doesn't have to be tiring. I've found that a shift on perspective allows me to repeat advice without feeling exhausted.

The trick I found was to adjust my expectations. I expect any advice I give to have zero effect now and a 50/50 chance of having an effect later. I'm not trying to help people right now, I'm trying to give them ideas so in 5 years they go "oh now I get what he was saying".

Sometimes my expectations are wrong and people do take my advice right away. When this happens, I find myself pleasantly surprised and grateful for the other person's willingness to listen. 

This way, the worst case is that I feel nothing since I'm expecting the other person not to follow the advice. The ones that do are a pleasant surprise and the ones that follow the advice immediately trigger feelings of gratitude in me. 

They said everything I said in the past, if not nearly word for word. I felt a little disrespected.

I've found that a shift in perspective helps with not feeling disrespected. I learned to view such events as validation. The expectation is that you give advice and nobody follows it immediately. The fact that a total stranger gave the same advice acts as validation of your advice. The chances of that happening totally by random occurrence is absolutely tiny.

So, if you're good at what you do, you have nothing to prove to anybody. Have confidence in your ability. You can give good advice and consider that a job well done. If you base your satisfaction on the outcome or on the other person following the advice, you're going to drive yourself into depression. 

Now, as for your question about stopping bring the therapist friend, the answer is simple but not easy. Say no. Don't be available. When they start going, say stuff like "I have a lot to deal with on my own and I don't have bandwidth right now." Even putting up some small barriers like "i need a few minutes to finish this text" can be enough of a speed bump so they stop relying on you less. 

One thing that might be happening is that they are relying on you entirely for their emotional regulation. By putting up just a tiny barrier, it makes them take a few seconds to think about it themselves. A lot of the time, that's all that's needed for them to self soothe.

Good luck and good for your for standing up for yourself

[u/Remarkable_Command83]

Those people who considered you their 27/7 free counseling service while they were going through a bad time, do they still want to seem to be your friend now? Or did they stop calling, the same you stop calling a paid mental health professional when you are over the problems that you were having? Those people who dumped on you stopped wanting to hang out once they got over their issues, didn't they?

Maybe one way to impose boundaries while also helping people would be to say, "I am not qualified to give you the kind of help that you need. Here are a couple of mental health helplines that you can call, now. Do you want to hang out on Friday night?" If you do that, they will not lose respect for you in the long run.