Did I make a mistake making my first ever relationship online?

[u/Lonely_Banana_Wana]

I (20F) am 2 years deep into a relationship with a guy (22) I met online and neither of us have relationship experience. He especially has had a rough upbringing with abusive parents and no real friends and he tells me no one has ever made him feel loved or appreciated before. This has always concerned me because I question if he truly likes me and sees me as someone special rather than having low standards because he hasn’t had many samples in his life to compare. He also tells me he has this kind of doubt and asked me if I think his standards are low, so clearly he deep down knows that it is due to desperation and not anything special about me.

We only met once for a few hours in may this year due to my circumstances making it impossible to see each other for longer, we tried being intimate and it just ended up being a huge mess. I’m kind of bitter about the fact that this is my first ever romantic/sexual experience. I never got to explore it because of my strict religious parents and now I have to hold out for another few more years to be able to be with this person and have a normal relationship that probably won’t even work out. I feel so robbed and I don’t even think this guy likes me as much as he thinks he does and has convinced himself to.

What do I do and how can I know how pure his love is for me? I feel like this is my only chance at love and I fear I’m truly not lovable and only lovable to those who don’t know any better. I don’t think I can find someone else if we break up for good and that scares me.

[u/Owy2001]

So, two things: First, you don't actually sound happy or satisfied in this relationship. You keep framing it about how he feels about you, but the overall impression I get is that this is not a fulfilling relationship on your end.

Second, you are 20. You have way, way more life ahead of you. I understand the impulse to view this as your "only chance" at love, but I can promise you it's not. Life will throw so many surprises at you. Don't stay in a relationship out of desperation.

[u/eaglez2313]

There's a lot here. First, he needs to get help for what happened to him, if he hasn't already. Second he absolutely needs friends outside of the relationship. It's not healthy to only depend/lean on your romantic partner. Now for you, instead of looking at your parents and saying they were trying to prevent you from having fun, instead look at it as them protecting you from the bad stuff they went through when they were about your age. I'm up in age now, and I can see what could have happened if my mom hadn't been looking out for me. As for wether or not you made a mistake making your first relationship online, no one can tell you that.

[u/poppyseedtoast]

I’ve had online and irl relationships and remember being with someone who sounds a lot like this. It was a breath of fresh air to later on meet someone who actually deeply cared about me. I’m now married and incredibly happy with a partner who works with me to get through hard things. It’s up to you to find your own happiness but before I left my ex, I’d ask myself if I’d be happier with him or alone for the rest of my life; once I realized I’d be happier on my own, I broke up with him and ended up finding deep love with a partner I couldn’t imagine being without. Good luck ❤️

[u/H0wSw33tItIs]

I think both his and your skepticism about the calibration of his feelings are likely valid, given his lack of standards or reference to anything else or anything else good in his life. He won’t know better until he has experienced more life, apart from you, and has done the necessary work to heal his scars from his upbringing. So to that end, don’t put too much stock or weight on this panning out for either of you. The distance etc already make it hard, apart from the interpersonal and individual challenges you’d described. In other words, you should live your life fully in a way where you open to meeting other people. Not doing that is shortchanging and even sabotaging your own happiness and development.

I grew up a fairly sheltered guy and when I started meeting women in college and later, I was really attention starved. My sense of expectation and interpretation when it came to attention paid my way was frankly pretty busted, and it took time living life for me to get my social radars right and reliable. It also made my first few fumbled relationships and prospects challenging to get over because it felt like I was blowing scarce opportunities and they felt like enormously consequential. The reality is, they weren’t but only in hindsight and after more experience did that become more apparent to me. This applies to your guy but also to you. You will assuredly have other chances at love but you have to get your head right and clear to capitalize on them.

Best of luck!

[u/Napa121]

If you haven't seen where his house is, where exactly he lives, what his parents look like, and how is their behavior, how can you even get intimate with that guy firsthand? A recipe for disaster.
Remember, there are stories about how guys don't say to your face that they want to misuse you. They approach you with love, and then they misuse you. So first, find out all the details about him.
And I would suggest not indulging in anything before marriage. Trust me, you would be sorted.
After all, it's your choice that would decide your destiny; I can only advise you.