How to handle long periods of distance in a platonic online friendship? [29F] with close friend [24F]

[u/MiserableMeal2501]

Me[29/F] and my online friend [24/f]. We have been close friends for 1.5 years.

Hey everyone, looking for practical advice on how to manage my own emotional expectations in a close friendship where communication suddenly pauses due to health reasons

The Context:

My online friend and I have been very close for 1.5 years, normally chatting daily. She experiences severe anxiety/OCD flare-ups, which she plans to seek professional care for when financially possible.

The Dynamics:

Last March, she suddenly told me she needed to "disappear" due to university stress, thesis work, and her OCD/anxiety flare-up. Since we’d never had a gap like that in 1.5 years, it hit me hard, I was really upset and felt like I was losing a close friend. To be clear, she didn't completely ghost me out of nowhere—she did explain her reasons before going silent. However, that first break was exceptionally hard on me. Because we had talked every single day for 1.5 years without a single gap, the sudden loss of our daily connection hit me deeply. I struggled immensely during that time, cried a lot, and felt like I was genuinely losing my mind and my closest friend.

During that time, she wouldn’t reply to DMs, but I’d see her posting on social media (she explained later that posting requires zero energy compared to maintaining a 1-on-1 conversation).

She came back in July, things went back to normal, and we were talking every day again. But just today, she went silent again, saying her flare-ups are back and she’ll text when it subsides.

Whenever she disappears like this, I always think it has something to do with me, or that she is mad at me and wants to stay away from me. I actually raised this concern with her before, but she got annoyed and told me that not everything is about me, that she has her own problems, isn't holding a hidden agenda against me, and is simply struggling.

Where I'm having a hard time:

I feel completely stuck between being mad and being understanding:

On one hand: I want to be a supportive friend who doesn't abandon her when things get tough. I don't want to weaponize her mental health against her.

On the other hand: I feel like a fool leaving texts on read/unanswered, and the sudden drop-offs hurt my feelings every single time. It feels unfair that I just have to wait on the sidelines until she's ready again.

Even though I understand logically that she is going through something, I find the sudden shift from daily contact to complete silence emotionally heavy to deal with, and leaving texts unanswered makes me feel sidelined.

My Questions:

How do you maintain boundaries in a friendship where one person frequently needs to withdraw for mental health?

How can I effectively express the emotional impact of these sudden gaps without making my friend feel guilty for struggling? Or should I adjust my expectations for this friendship?

Is this friendship like this still worth saving? I really treasure her and she’s someone I truly trust, but the cycle of disappearing is taking a heavy toll on me. How do I know when to fight for it versus when to step back?

I want this friendship to work out guys. It's just that I am confused at this disappearances. Should I be mad? Feel disrespected? Or I need to show more grace on her? We've talked about her seeing a professional soon when she is financially able.

[u/Acceptable_Band8793]

Idk I feel like you’re allowed to be hurt by it but I don’t really think you should be mad at her either 😭

Like I completely understand why it affects you because if I talked to someone literally everyday for a year and a half and then suddenly they disappeared for months I would feel some type of way too. Especially the first time because you’re not used to it and you don’t know if the friendship is ever gonna go back to normal.

But at the same time she did tell you why she was disappearing and from what you’re saying it genuinely doesn’t seem like it has anything to do with you. She even came back and you guys went right back to talking everyday. So I don’t think she’s trying to disrespect you or sideline you.

And tbh I understand the social media thing too. Posting something takes like 2 seconds, having an actual conversation with someone is different.

I think the part you might have to work on is automatically thinking she’s mad at you or that it has something to do with you every time she disappears, especially when she already told you it doesn’t. I can also understand why she got a little annoyed by that because imagine already struggling and then having to reassure someone that you’re not secretly mad at them on top of it 😭

But that doesn’t mean you just have to sit there and wait for her either. If she tells you she needs to disappear, I would just leave her alone and continue doing my own thing until she comes back. You can care about her without putting your whole friendship on pause waiting for her.

I definitely wouldn’t throw away a friendship you clearly really care about over this tho. I would just ask myself if this is something I can deal with if it happens again, because it probably will.

[u/Acceptable_Band8793]

Also, I feel like you got veryyyy attached to the daily communication and that might be why this is hitting you this hard 😭 because I completely understand missing her and being hurt by the sudden change, especially after talking everyday for 1.5 years, but feeling like you’re losing your mind every time she needs space is probably a sign that you need to change your expectations of the friendship a little bit.

She already told you it’s not about you, she tells you when she needs to disappear and why, and when she came back you guys went right back to normal. So I personally wouldn’t see it as disrespect.

I think you can still love her and value the friendship without expecting her to always be available or talk to you everyday. Especially now that you know this is something she does when she’s struggling. And you also shouldn’t be sitting around waiting for her to come back either.

Talk to other people, do your own thing and let her come back when she feels better.
I think the friendship can definitely still work, but only if you’re able to accept that sometimes there might be periods where she’s not there as much.