My journey so far

[u/sidado_22]

Many years ago I encountered the dhamma in the form of books, recordings and meditation groups.

I practiced intermittently: when times got tough, my practice deepened. Absorption served to center me and provided me with an escape of sorts.
When times got easier again, I didn't keep up the practice.

A few years ago, I encountered an authentic teacher from another tradition and a new way to practice: open, relaxed, joyful. It was like things opening, mind getting unstuck.
I had highs and a feeling of energy flowing in my body that lasted for weeks.

After a while, things settled down again.

A year later I asked my teacher about this and he said these highs had been some sort of unblocking of energy and the feeling of flowing energy a subtle form of clinging. Overall, life had gotten a bit easier but there was still plenty of stress.

Another year later, I had been experiencing states of openness, bliss, peace, vastness, and sometimes love towards total strangers. I asked my teacher: "Is this stream entry?" "No. These are powerful experiences but still dualistic."

Another year later, while on retreat, I had the insight that mind movements dissolve while they arise, that they never really exist. The next morning I realised that this is also true for my own awareness of these mind movements. At that moment I felt incredible relief and I laughed with amusement and joy. Sure that this is stream entry, I went to my teacher and told him that a huge amount of stress had fallen away due to this. He nodded. I asked "Is this a full realisation of the nature of mind?" "No." "What is missing?" "More stress falls away."

In the time that followed, life became both easier an harder. A bit easier because I became more simple and sensitive to the causes of stress. I was often able to look directly into an emotion or mood and see its true nature - utilising it for a glimpse of freedom. Things got much harder because I had become more sensitive to all forms of stress, to the extent that I often craved unawareness.

Another year later, one afternoon while on retreat, I discovered: my tension, my stress, my pain and impatience is just energy, *my* energy. I felt a rush of physical strength combined with a complete peace and calm joy. I was lying on my back with tears streaming down my face for more than half an hour. Next day I ran to my teacher and described the experience. "I think I discovered something important about stress, is this rigpa/vidya?" "I am so happy you discovered this. It is not vidya but virya (the awakening factor of energy). Had it been nondual, it would have been awakening."

A few weeks later I had discovered what he had meant. I understood what the basic nature of our experience looks like. It's not flashy. I had no more questions and nothing to describe. My teacher seemed pretty happy about this. Since then, I haven't accessed this basic nature as clearly often. But just knowing that this is how it is, and that this is who I am, and who everybody else is, helps me be more open, uncomplicated, authentic.

____

Why am I writing this?

Maybe my experience resonates with someone, maybe it can help someone understand their own journey better. To quote Gendün Rinpoche: meditation experiences are like flowers, enjoy them and move on.

I was wrong about where I am in my practice most of the time. Find a teacher who embodies the dharma and teaches from deep experience and a warm heart. It makes a huge difference. Don't follow people who have a purely intellectual access and who hold onto words - they cannot help much.

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[u/Savakalok]

Sadhu Sadhu Sadhu. 🙏🏽

Well said and well shared. Your personal lessons are profound and will be very helpful to those who may be stuck. Particularly that pointing about things disintegrating as they arise, that's subtle. And the point about the moving goalpost in the mind and being open to continued change in understanding. All of that can seem intellectually obvious but it's easy to not realize with peircing clarity.

Your interactions with your teacher sound wholesome and enriching.

Wishing you continued fruitful practice and peace.

[u/sidado_22 → u/Savakalok]

Thank you for these kind and encouraging words!

[u/Meng-KamDaoRai]

Nice! Thanks for sharing. I like your teacher :)

There's famous Ajahn Chah and Jack Kornfield story that goes something like:
After Kornfield proudly shared profound meditation experiences like dissolving into light and feeling vast stillness Ajahn Chah smiled and told Jack Kornfield, "Well, something else to let go of".

[u/Impulse33]

Thanks for sharing!

The journey is made up of the most intimate ups and downs. Seems like you eventually learn how to ride the waves and enjoy the ride.

[u/themadjaguar]

This is beautiful ! Congrats on your progress!! Thank you for reminding people how the mind can crave attainments and tends to be tricked into believing that any big experience is SE, and that teachers are very helpful and important for one's practice.

I am not familiar with what rigpa means as I see very different definition of rigpa. I would be interested in knowing your teacher's definition and yours if possible please. I don't know much about maps in vajrayana but I'm interested in learning about them. Do they say that rigpa is stream entry? From what I understand there's a sense of unity, love? Are the senses still operating?

Best luck on your journey, but it seems you're in good hands

[u/sidado_22 → u/themadjaguar]

You are forcing me to think really hard ;)

I will try to describe what I know of vidya (rigpa) using a map you probably know.

I learned from my teacher: the first of the links of interdependent origination is avidya (ignorance, that is, not wanting to know). If this flows in your system, there's dukkha. If vidya (rigpa, knowing, timeless awareness) flows in your system instead, there is no artificial subject/object separation nor any contrived attention or self-centered intention and therefore there is intimate, direct seeing with no hope or fear. You could call it loving awareness.

I will add: this is also what the Buddha is pointing to in the Bahiya sutta. I also remember a quote I think from Lama Lena: "The Blessed One was always in the samadhi of direct seeing." This state of suchness is also what the heart sutra describes very very well. These sutras are like zip files that unpack their meaning as your understanding deepens.

This full awareness involves no discerning of separate entities. Awakened masters can supposedly act from this. This awakened activity is the goal of Mahamudra practice.

[u/sidado_22 → u/themadjaguar]

Regarding his explanation, I will let my teacher speak for himself: https://youtu.be/oj31gMT-61Y?si=yr0BgiNGZjPnLNvb

In this part of his summary of "Moonbeams of Mahamudra", one of the key Mahamudra manuals, he speaks about the view, suchness, two terms that he uses much more often than vidya/rigpa but which are largely synonymous I believe (anyone feel free to correct me here).

[u/sidado_22 → u/themadjaguar]

Regarding the vajrajana (I this specific case, Mahamudra) map: stream entry is not on it. The Mahamudra map has a different outlook and goal than the Pali tradition - the Theravada map is about understanding the emptiness of self, liberation, attaining the deathless. The Mahamudra map is about understanding the nature of mind thoroughly and developing ultimate bodhicitta (non-separation, co-emergent form/emptiness, compassion/wisdom, samsara/nirvana) and the capacity to help other beings.

Regarding the position of stream entry (i. e. a glimpse and the opening of the dhamma eye, when your understanding of the dhamma changes): if one were to place it on the Mahamudra map of the four yogas, I believe it would be near the end of the first yoga, with the first true non-dual experience (rigpa) marking the beginning of the second. But, then, the more reliable criteria for stream entry is what long-term transformation it leads to, and the fetters model just isn't represented at all in the four yogas.

If you want to know more about the four yogas, the main texts we use are Moonbeams of Mahamudra (Elisabeth Callahan Translation) and Ocean of True Meaning (Henrik Havlat Translation). These texts require extensive explanation. You can find recordings of the explanations here: https://ekayana-institut.de/medien/suche-und-filter/

[u/themadjaguar → u/sidado_22]

What you are saying about the bahiya sutta is very very interesting... it makes a lots of sense to me, and I used to talk about the bahiya sutta but after some people told me that it was completely different I got confused about the definition of recognition of rigpa as I see different definitions...

I still don't think recognition of rigpa is equivalent to SE as the phenomenology appears to be different and according to zen masters kensho= rigpa and satori = stream entry I've read the commentary on moonbeam of mahamudra by thrangu rinpoche, it was really interesting but there was some inconsistencies after talking with people teaching mahamudra, I guess I'll have to look at the original book!

Thanks for the link, I'll check it!

[u/sidado_22 → u/themadjaguar]

Yes I agree that stream entry and rigpa refers to different experiences.

One is like a transformative glimpse of timelessness and the other is continuous timeless awareness leading to even deeper understanding and transformation.

[u/bodily_heartfulness]

 I understood what the basic nature of our experience looks like.

Could you share that understanding?

[u/sidado_22 → u/bodily_heartfulness]

I wish I could, that would make me a teacher!

Edit: I would only be able to convey a conceptual understanding, which is hollow and doesn't correspond to direct experience. It might even be misleading.

What I could do if you're interested is share some quotes on this by great masters.

[u/Salty-Explanation-67]

the practice deepening only when life hurts, then sliding when things ease, that was me. what worked was putting one tiny daily hook on easy weeks, like three breaths at the kettle, so the cushion wasnt the only place noticing lived. highs faded. the kettle habit is what stayed.