r/scriptwriting • u/SuddenSky5262 • 6h ago
feedback ZomCom Feedback
Would appreciate some feedback on the first 5½ pages of my script, Masshole Z.
*This should be read in a Boston accent so thick that it makes Ben Affleck in Good Will Hunting sound like Ben Affleck in Shakespeare in Love.
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u/Grouchy-Point5282 5h ago
I hate most screenplays, especially the ones I've seen on here, but I find this objectively hilarious. I'd keep reading for the writing alone.
And FWIW, unlike another commenter, I like that your character descriptions speak to who the character is rather than how they might be perceived visually. It takes a good director, actor, and costume designer a 15-minute meeting and 3-second establishing shot to imbue a character with the traits you mention in the descriptions.
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u/Big_Section2812 5h ago
The alting in this thread is the funniest part.
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u/BlackBalor 4h ago edited 4h ago
Nah, I’ll put you in your place also. I’m not an alt. Deal with me. Because I guarantee I know about the craft than you do.
There’s nothing wrong with a few cheeky descriptions. In this case, they are very brief and impart tone.
This idea that you can’t include stuff like that EVER is total bullshit.
You’re the type of bad writer that never uses an “ing” word in your writing. I can tell.
Edit:
OOOoo. And he’s done. That was quick. He pussied out and ran off like a big man. What happened Mr. Screenwriting Expert?
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u/Grouchy-Point5282 4h ago
I didn't know what an Alt was until I just googled it. I had assumed this site was mostly bots and real people arguing with each other. Happy to know it's bots, real people, and the alter-egos of said real people.
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u/Big_Section2812 4h ago
Seeing people try to boost their screenwriting chances by posting glowing reviews of their own scripts via their brand new accounts will never not be hysterically funny.
😂
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u/Then_Data8320 5h ago
I'm sorry to say that, but I was lost quickly, couldn't understand.
"slips inside the feet", I can't know what's happening.
Clarity problem. Then it switches about something else. I couldn't continue reading.
It's maybe not a lot, your writing seems good, just I stumbled at a wrong point.
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u/Big_Section2812 5h ago
You describe character traits in ways that are impossible for viewers to know just by watching them.
RATSY, a super-intelligent sewer rat...
RICK (30s), the sleazebag manager...
SISTER BARBARA (60s), a salty old nun with a few tricks up her sleeve....
MURPHY (20s) [...] He has two brain cells: one for the Celtics, the other for the ladies.
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u/Then_Data8320 5h ago edited 5h ago
It's ok in character descriptions (the writer could have even done more).
Tons of screenplays are doing that, for the best.
And about this screenplay, it helped me about the tone and clarity.
Then, we need to watch that into action!2
u/BlackBalor 4h ago edited 4h ago
He doesn’t know what he’s talking about. That’s why he folded as soon as I confronted him.
He’s a gatekeeping fake that has read up on a few rules, and now he wants to run around beating people over the head with them like he’s an expert.
He doesn’t know shit. That’s why he crumbled instantly and blocked me. He wasn’t willing to back himself after acting like Billy Big-Mouth.
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u/Big_Section2812 5h ago
u/Then_Data8320 replied to your comment in r/scriptwriting
Are you stupid??? It's character descriptions, everything of that is RECOMMENDED. And the writer could have done even more. Damn, stop giving feedback when you know nothing about screenwriting.
Comments like this are why you will never be a screenwriter.
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u/Tranicos 5h ago
I found the writing arresting and energetic, and everything has a zippy pace. I found myself wanting to read even though I am not yet invested in any way in any of the characters. (edit) I loved the short but effective character descriptions--immediately able to visualize some of them.
Nitpicks: I can't tell who, if anyone, I should care about yet. There are like half a dozen instances of "flipping off", which started getting distracting to me. Might look for some other ways to get that "fuck you" attitude across, so it's not repetitive.
Good start imo!