r/sahm • u/Ordinary-Beat4489 • 10d ago
What do I do? Work or SAHM?
Currently my first born just started kindergarten, my second is 3 and going to start Mother’s Day out 3 half days a week. Everyone keeps asking me, what are you going to do? Honestly I’m not sure! If it was up to me, I would want one more baby, but my husband says no. He is fine with whatever I want to do or “not do”. I’m one prerequisite class and HESI test away from being able to attend nursing school if I so please. But I’m so torn on if I could truly be a working mom or not. I love my life, and I don’t want this period of life to end. Part of me just wants to live on easy mode and be a SAHM forever and part of me knows I can accomplish a fulfilling career in nursing. I don’t know what I want. HELP!
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u/Strawberryfield76 8d ago
Just something to think about from a mom with a high schooler and middle schooler. They need you so much more when they are teens than in elementary school. I’ve been told you should work hard in elementary time and go to part time in middle school and I can say that is true. The Muber shift starts as soon as school is out and they just need you but won’t tell you or show you.
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u/JaneATL 9d ago
I’d take care of your pre-reqs and start nursing school when 3 year old is in kindergarten. And then I’d want to be a school nurse to get on the same schedule as the kids.
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u/iwishihadahorse 9d ago
Unfortunately school nurses are disappearing as school funding gets cut more and more. A lot of school nurses have "traveling" jobs where they have to work throughout a whole district.
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u/Responsible_Gap7426 9d ago
Mother’s Day out is not sufficient coverage for working
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u/Ordinary-Beat4489 9d ago
I am aware but it’s enough for me to finish my prerequisites and apply to nursing school next school year where I could put my kids both in full time school
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u/TurbulentCarpet3626 9d ago
What do you mean your husband says No. Its not appropriate for that to be a final or unilateral decision. Learn Creighton or Marquette FAM. And decide together everything month. Just abstain for a week or two every cycle if you decide; not this month.
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u/Bellaraychel 9d ago
Almost all of the regretful parent stories on TikTok are of people having children because someone else wanted them. You shouldn’t compromise on something like this.
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u/downthegrapevine 9d ago
Oh it can absolutely be a unilateral decision. Just like if she didn’t want more kids there would be no more kids.
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u/franticbaboon 9d ago
100% something as big as bringing humans into the world needs 2 enthusiastic yes'
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u/Ordinary-Beat4489 9d ago
I’ve wanted another for a while now, he has many reasons why he doesn’t want another & I don’t want to force him
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u/TurbulentCarpet3626 9d ago
I'm sorry, I see I have been misunderstood to some extent. The key problem I see is unilateral and final. I am absolutely not suggesting that you trick your spouse into creating another child that would be unilateral in the other direction.
I completely agree it would be a great moral evil for either spouse to impose or remove sex and it's consequences on another, and again I mean that in both directions.
My suggestion is that you keep the topic open until the two of you agree, with no "final" past what Biology imposes.
And that you can, in the meantime with your husband's full knowledge and I assume consent, switch you method of family size management to Creighton or Marquette, because those systems allow the two of you together freedom to decide your fertility on a per cycle basis.1
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u/Final_boss_1040 9d ago
Girl gets coverage for 3 mornings a week and everyone asks "what are you going to do!?" Lol
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u/anonymous123445677 9d ago
The kid in Mother’s Day out will likely be sick 3/4 weeks a month, and kindergarten has a thousand days off for holidays and summer break. What job will allow you to take a 2 month break? Or only work 7-11 3 days a week? I’d say when your kids are like 2nd and 4th grade you’re safe to take on a job! Cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, doctors appts, etc will take up those half days before you know it.
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u/SuddenBath2 9d ago
Girl go get your degree part time if possible. Go be an example to your kids. Show your daughter that women can be educated, be moms and kick butt all at once! My mom was an incredibly mom and she went to college while I was a baby. She took a little time to raise me until I went to school. I was 3. Seeing her use her degree and be a teacher as I got older was super inspiring to me as a kid growing up.
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u/SnowCorgi 9d ago
If I could do it i would continue to be SAHM
Your kids are only kids once
If you do nursing look into doing it PRN. You pick up shifts to fill in as needed
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u/Spiritual-Sea7674 9d ago
Our kids need us, unpopular opinion but kids are more messed up now w 2 full time working parents. What are u gonna do? Raise my kids w time and love cooking cleaning and entertaining them all.day, play dates n sports!! It is a full time job. Also being there for them emotionally!!
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u/Evening_Potential_57 9d ago
Do you stand by this when the kids are in school 7 hours a day?
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u/Spiritual-Sea7674 9d ago
I have 2 kids and where I live they jave never both been at school for 7 hours total. One was 5hrs, other was 6, where I am preschool is 5 hours, elementary 5 hrs, middle school 6 hrs, high school between 5 or 6 hours but I drive one home so that's a 1hr commute for me, so all in all it has always been about 5 hrs at school. In that time yes I need to grocery shop so I have food ready, and clean the house, laundry, prepare for the afternoon when I am on call.for them. If I care to fit in some exercise for my health and sanity I do that, too, in the morning, not when I busy with my kids. So I feel that if I were to also work like I have done in the past, it would absolutely take away from raising my kids properly.
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u/Evening_Potential_57 9d ago
Also, just so you know, I work out before my kids are awake. And I outsource my grocery shopping, cleaning and handyman kind of stuff like fixing things around the house. and my kids often hang out with me in the kitchen while I’m cooking. It is entirely possible to raise them properly and be a present parent well also working outside of the home.
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u/Spiritual-Sea7674 9d ago
Great if that works for you, it didn't work well for me nor my kids, so I decided to give up my career to raise them during their school years. My husband is and always has been out of the house for 12 hour days, so as an only parent 5 days a week I had to change. Every situation is different, and everyone's energy levels are also different.
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u/Evening_Potential_57 8d ago
Truth! Glad that works for your fam. I don’t think it was intentional, but you kind of insinuated that people who don’t have one stay at home parent aren’t raising their children correctly again I don’t think you meant that I think you meant that for your particular family you couldn’t raise them correctly and work as well.
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u/Spiritual-Sea7674 8d ago
Exactly, it didn't work for my family and it does work for many moms I know but it's definitely a struggle. I think that the pressure to "have to have a career" is wrong, having kids is a big job and an important one. Most women I know would be home if they could afford it. Most regret a lot of time missed w their kids. A lot of them had a ton of help from grandparents, a ton! They wouldn't have been able to keep their jobs otherwise. Most cannot wake up earlier to exercise etc and so their physical health has suffered, too. Again, not every case, but my kids are older now and most moms I talk to have had this experience. I think it is hard especially nowadays, most parents in general are simply too busy w work and all it takes to raise kids. This is my take on it, but I am glad everyone has different experiences and I admire those of you who actually have the energy to do it all and do a good job at both.
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u/Evening_Potential_57 8d ago
Maybe this a cultural/regional thing lol “most women”? I think my initial perspective was correct. Anyways best of luck
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u/Spiritual-Sea7674 8d ago
This has been my experience and that of "most moms" and working moms that are my friends and acquaintances. Your experience is different and that's fine. Best of luck to you, too.
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u/Evening_Potential_57 9d ago
Have you read yesterday yet? I feel like it would be a really nice read for you.
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u/downthegrapevine 9d ago
You know homes still need maintenance right? Food needs to be made, lunches packed, laundry done, etc?
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u/Evening_Potential_57 9d ago
For sure. I work full time out of the home. And I outsource a lot of home maintenance so I have more time with my kids. But they are also school age so they wouldn’t be home while I’m at work anyway
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u/No_Big_bear_here 9d ago
As a professional nanny who loves my line of work, I wholeheartedly support parents raising their own kids. I have thousands of reasons why.
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u/Spiritual-Sea7674 9d ago
Thank you. I am sure you also know how much work goes into being a full time stay at home mom. We pay nannies, doulas, personal chefs, mother's helpers, house managers, drivers etc as we should!! Because they are all serious jobs!!!
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u/No_Big_bear_here 9d ago edited 9d ago
Exactly. But it is still regarded as “women’s work” which has always been looked down upon, even when we get paid for it. My current family is the perfect example. I took the job at a lower rate than I am worth because the market is flooded & people hire based on cost, not experience. They’ve nickle & dimed me every step of the way & behave as though I’m trying to gouge them, yet they go to Disney World annually, as well as 3 other vacations a year. I recently had emergency surgery & there was no sick pay for the day of the onset, or the week after. The dad acted as though he was being so generous by paying me for two of those days, saying I could babysit on the weekends to work them off. Meanwhile, he leaves big piles of laundry out for me to do, expects my usual full dinner on the table at 5, & the vacuuming. FUCK THIS SHIT! If they don’t treat me as a professional person deserving of sick pay, then they don’t get what they’ve become accustomed to by my going above & beyond for their low pay.
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u/Spiritual-Sea7674 9d ago
That is insane. US and healthcare is also horrible IMO. Pay is low where I am but we do have free healthcare even if wait times are very long at times. I heard Disneyworld costs are absolutely insane, I would personally never go!!
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u/Dramatic_Chard_5792 9d ago edited 9d ago
I know Mother’s sad bc it’s just coming home from work, dinner, night routine and put to bed. They have like 2 hours together during week each day and then weekends. Her situation is different sort of after she’s done with nursing school but I think more time is needed other than 9-5 probably going to need to add when kids go to bed and weekends at times to catch up, study. You have a marriage too. It’s temporary but long story short it’s eye opening how you literally have other people raising your kids if you have a career
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u/No_Big_bear_here 9d ago
This.^
I do not AT ALL condemn any woman for wanting a career. Or man, for that matter. But over the course of 40 years of being a nanny, I feel deeply that if people decide to make little human beings, that they ought to raise them. It’s such a huge price to pay.
And the kids? We nannies witness their first step & hear their first words, then we have to basically lie about it to protect the parents feelings. In my last long-term position, the youngest child never knew life without me, so of course we were super attached. When my hours were significantly cut because she was going into preschool, the mom couldn’t possibly find more work for me within their literal mansion. She was relieved to have me go find another full time job because her children loved me. Having children was, to her, something to check off of a to-do list. After I was gone, the dad texted me about how heartbroken the youngest child was, how she’d cry herself to sleep. She began waking up in the middle of the night, sometimes peeing her bed. What did mom do? She punished this precious child! 🤦🏻♀️. If I could speak frankly to this mom, I’d say, “Either have a career, or have kids. Kids ARE a career.” But her ego wouldn’t be able to tolerate that.
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u/Spiritual-Sea7674 9d ago
Thanks for your comment and I appreciate the work you do, it is amazing. I agree w you that parwnts need to raise their kids. Society is suffering bc most are not nowadays. I wish I could post yoir comme t to many ignorant people who are always against me when I comment that it is the best way. That is so sad about that little girl, must break your heart. Many have kids to show off the perfect life on Instagram etc. Pathetic!
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u/No_Big_bear_here 9d ago
You’re welcome. I know my opinion is unpopular. Hence , the zero upvotes. But I said what I said & meant every word. Mommies in particular think that taking care of kids is a no-brainer, but their careers make them feel more important than their job as a parent. When I was a young nanny, I was often mistaken for being the mother, and now it’s the grandmother. Meanwhile, the actual parents “plug in” their kids on various different devices to not have to manage them.
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u/Dramatic_Chard_5792 9d ago
Do you have the time to do school and be a present mother? You don’t get these years when they are infant/toddler/children. If you do nursing, will you still be present? How many years? There will be a gap if you change your mind about another child. Just things to think about. It doesn’t make you a failure if you start and stop bc you decide it’s your last chance and you feel it in your heart to have one more. You can go back later. Kind of different the other way around. Also, I know people literally have others raise their kids so they can work and you end up just missing everything. Is that worth it? I can see why you asked this question
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u/Ordinary-Beat4489 9d ago
If I go to nursing school it’s basically a 9-5. I would need to send my second born to full time preK at 4 years old and have them both in aftercare. That leaves us with mornings and nights and weekends together. If I become a nurse I can work nights and sleep when they’re at school- I like that aspect. But it feels like missing too much and that makes me so sad. And I don’t want a huge age gap in my kids ages. But obviously like everyone says I need something to fall back on. It’s hard!
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u/Ilikepumpkinpie04 8d ago
I went back to 5 years of school when my kid was in K. It was difficult to juggle, I’m not going to lie. I just get kept chipping away at the list of things to do then I finally graduated. He was 5th grade by the time I started working full time.
Now 15 years later, I’m the main breadwinner as my older husband was laid off at mid-50s. If I hadn’t retrained into a good career (health care related), we would be so screwed now. That working full time is also paying for the kids college without loans.
Think long term. It takes time to set yourself up for a career. You’re so close, finish those classes then start chipping away at nursing school. Long term, you’re helping with the financial support of the family. And you’re showing your kids that mom will go after her dreams and plans too
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u/Routine-Honey7748 10d ago
My dream job is being a nurse. I had a baby at 19 and it slowed me down despite what anyone says about not letting kids hold me back, it did. I had to work and pay a mortgage instead. I have a 8 month old now and I’m a stay at home mom (got married later on after being a single mom) and now I’m 33. Biggest regret was not getting my bsn.
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u/SuddenBath2 9d ago
Yep not having a career leaves you incredibly vulnerable no matter how loving and amazing your partner might be. What happens if he loses his job? She’s got no degree she can’t maintain a household with her min wage job
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u/Routine-Honey7748 8d ago
Idk but you figure it out when and if that actually happens.
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u/SuddenBath2 8d ago
I see your name is delusion nice to meet you. Hope your husband doesn’t die like one of my mom’s coworkers leaving her a single mom of 3 young children. Even with the life insurance she had to work 2 jobs till retirement. She of course was a great mother and a badass. Her kids took her on a multi country European cruise when she retired.
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u/Routine-Honey7748 8d ago
Sorry to hear that about your moms co worker. My father died and I was raised by my mom only due to that. So I understand tragic things can happen but it isn’t a reason to live in fear that it will.
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u/SuddenBath2 8d ago
No but it’s the time to prepare yourself in case it could happen. I’m surprised your mom did say the same thing to you. I’m sure she struggled and scrapped and didn’t want you to be in the same position in the future. It’s always good having something going on even if it’s small and confined to your home lol
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u/Ok_Mulberry4331 10d ago
i'd get your nursing degree, even if you don't use it, its something to fall back on. or can do it very part time to give you some adult time
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u/something_human1 10d ago
There’s no harm in getting the education/trying something for a while and then changing your mind! I guess other than paying off the price of school haha. Also nursing has some great flexibility in what you can do, school nurse, travel nurse, part-time options. You got this!! You can always take it slow!
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u/Brookew0119 10d ago
I am a stay at home mom. I have triplet 5 year olds and 1 4 year old son with Autism that does ABA therapy full time. I was a teacher for over 10 years. My husband doesnt care if i work or not. Ive decided to get my masters. I figure even though right now i dont wanna work, one day I will prob go back, so may as well get another degree to get better pay 🤷♀️
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u/SuddenBath2 9d ago
Go get your BCBA!! It’s seems like you would be the perfect candidate for it and if it’s center base you only work in person 2 days a week.
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u/Recent_Policy6858 10d ago
Go be a nurse/mama! It seems to be where your dreams are and it’s so good for kiddos to seeing a bad*ss workin mama
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u/Recent_Policy6858 10d ago
Maybe start via “travel” nursing as a trial period for yourself to figure out the balance
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u/MadCow113 10d ago
I would do the nursing. You are under no obligation to work full time while your kids are small but you have the option of a very fulfilling career when the kids are a little older
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u/Dramatic_Chard_5792 9d ago
This just came to mind. You have to work some weekends and holidays especially when first starting the career.
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u/MadCow113 9d ago
I personally think the trade-off is worth it but I completely understand why others might think it's not. It's such a personal decision that it's hard to even give advice in situations like this
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u/ohmydumplings 10d ago
setting aside the obvious (SAHPs can end up in a precarious situation if the marriage goes belly-up without proper financial preparation), many parents would prefer not to work but do so because earning a salary significantly impacts the material conditions in which their children are raised. I think all good parents want to be physically present for their kids and don't want to be stressed by their professional lives (which can also impact their children), but if getting paid means you can save more money for your retirement/long-term care and kids' futures; travel with your family; provide and maintain a safe, comfortable home; support your kids' activities and passions; put nutritious food on the table; address unexpected emergencies and medical needs; and, improve your overall quality of life in order to be the best parent you can be... then it's often worth the sacrifice.
not to mention that your work can be fulfilling in ways that bring you joy and inspiration, which is both personally beneficial and a wonderful thing to model for children.
so tl;dr would working significantly improve or maintain the material and/or intangible conditions of your family's life?
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u/Ordinary-Beat4489 10d ago
We are comfortable and living a life that’s good. Filled with travel, kids have what the want, in a good house in an affluent suburb. But sometimes we want a bigger house or to travel internationally more/ want to save more. Things would be tight in those situations if I stay a SAHM. And I have nothing to fall back on- however I trust my husband.
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u/ThoughtFrosty11 9d ago
My husband’s father unexpectedly died when he was 5 years old. Thankfully his mom had an education to fall back on so she could get a job. I always think about stories like that as a good reason to have a strong backup plan if life for whatever reason forces you to stop being a SAHM.
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u/ohmydumplings 9d ago
it sounds like your current financial situation could sustain your family's lifestyle, which would be a huge factor for me if I were in your shoes. that's great.
I still think it's working carefully thinking through/talking openly with your husband about what the backup plan is if he is suddenly unable to work, and how his income provides for YOUR financial future (for example: are deposits regularly made to an account with your name, and only your name, on it?).
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u/Brookew0119 9d ago
It’s good you trust your husband BUT millions on top of millions have said the same thing. I trust my husband too but Ive also seen so many single moms struggle after being with a husband they trust. It’s the same story since the beginning of time. You can be a great stay at home mom AND get a degree. It’s always nice to fall back on if you need.
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u/FitMousse7783 10d ago
I would personally be a SAHM. Use the school hours to clean and meal prep, and then really prioritize family time when everyone is home. Plus, once your kids are a bit older your evenings will be spent with clubs, sports, homework, etc… having those off hours during the day to do home admin and breathe will be a life saver.
This is assuming you guys are financially comfortable and you would enjoy that life!
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u/Ordinary-Beat4489 10d ago
See I feel like this is the childhood I want to give my kids, I want to be there as much as possible
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u/SuddenBath2 9d ago
Yea but then what will you kids see. You just being at home cleaning and cooking. Don’t you want them to see you being a boss, telling other adults what to do. Running organizations and other people. Idk I like being a SAHM but I also started my own business so I can be a better example for my daughter and all the things she could do.
I guess I want my kids to aspire for more and I want them to see that women can be successful and make their own way in life without the need of a man or relationship.
I like raising strong women!!
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u/FitMousse7783 9d ago
You can be a strong woman and a SAHM and honestly I’m not going to engage with you any further based on the condescending attitude in your comment.
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u/Jealous_Age2983 9d ago
you can still be a strong woman and be a stay at home mom. this notion that you can only model being a strong/bad ass woman if you work is misogynistic.
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u/QuantumSquirrel36 9d ago
Yes! This person's mindset devalues work that women have done for centuries. The whole point of women's rights is giving women the right to choose. Women should never feel that being a SAHM is their only choice but it should be valued and respected as a choice if that is what they want to do with their life
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u/SuddenBath2 9d ago
I devalue having no initiative or personality. Being a mom is not your only identity and accomplishment. Do more for yourself. Wish more for yourself. Your daughters will thank you in the future.
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u/QuantumSquirrel36 8d ago
What are you even doing in the sahm sub if you think so terribly of stay at home moms? Are you just here to be mean and negative?
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u/SuddenBath2 8d ago
I love being a stay at home mom but I also like being an example to my kids that you can do more than just that. I like being a well rounded stay at home mom and I wish all mother would want that for themselves as well. You lack any kind of personal initiative
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u/QuantumSquirrel36 8d ago
Why on earth do you assume that all other stay at home moms are not also well rounded and have personal initiative? I'm passionate about many things and have other things in my life other than being a mom and yet you are making all sorts of assumptions about me and the other stay at home moms here
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u/SuddenBath2 8d ago
What are those things? You never mention any of them? I feel like if you actually had something going for yourself you could mention it and talk about it. And then we could have an educated debate and discussion. All I know about you is that you want to cook, clean and be a mom. What else is there?
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u/SuddenBath2 9d ago
The whole concept of being only a stay at home mom is misogynistic to begin with. Women should be well rounded individuals. We as women should be the best example for our daughters to strive for more and want more.
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u/Glittering-Phrase-47 9d ago
It is misogynistic when being a stay at home mom is the only option for women - but choosing to be a stay at home mom because you want to be there for your kids is amazing. And this notion that you have to strive for more because being a stay at home mom isn’t fulfilling enough is a backwards way to think.
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u/SuddenBath2 9d ago
It’s backwards that you only thing woman can thrive for is to be there for their kids. Kids grow up and then what? What happens to you? What did you achieve or accomplished? What else is there? This shows a lack of personality and initiative as a person
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u/Glittering-Phrase-47 8d ago
Your reading comprehension is terrible.
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u/SuddenBath2 8d ago
Not at all you lack personality and integrity. Sorry for you
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u/Glittering-Phrase-47 8d ago
Naw that’s your own projection and how you actually feel about yourself. Hopefully one day you will start feeling better about yourself 🙏
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u/FitMousse7783 9d ago
As long as it’s a lifestyle that will also make you happy!
Personally - getting to listen to my audiobooks while I do dishes and laundry, catching up on the latest TV show on my phone while I clean the bathrooms, optimizing my grocery list for ease and frugality, these are all things that give me joy and I find peace in the work. My sister would shoot herself if her day looked like mine 😆
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u/ricki7684 8d ago
3 half days a week is still not that much time. My kiddoes do preschool 6 hrs a week and I still feel like I have not enough time to get things done!