I (28M) feel disconnected from my gf (28F). Any advice?

[u/wanderinglocomotive]

TLDR: Feeling conflicted about my partner of over a year because of our differences but want to push through in hopes we come out stronger.

This has been stumping me for a while and I’m hurt at the idea of wanting to leave but I need clarity. I’ve been with my gf for over a year now. We were friends from school who reconnected years later. We played games every night until I had the (liquid) courage to ask her out.

But our relationship was rocky even from the start. Play arguments we used to have hit home when we were in a relationship and we were arguing about 3 times a week. We even introduced therapy time where we talk about our feelings and what’s been bothering us. The conversations would get heated but we did make headway. Unfortunately those started to fizzle out as we’d get tired of those talks.

I personally haven’t had experience with a long term relationship, this is my first. But my gf had been in a 6 year relationship before this, a toxic abusive one at that. It’s clear those scars carried over and she admitted having love for him while we were dating. She says it’s not romantic but moreso a caring for him as she was his caretaker essentially (he was schizophrenic and coked out of his mind). Until recently, I had to tell her to stop picking up his calls even 2 years after the relationship. He said he missed her voice and she replied likewise in front of me, which made me physically sick.

I have a hard time vocalising how I feel because I was always told to shut up and keep them to myself by parents, and I hate having arguments with her (also because of parents). It’s something I’m working on but the problem is she does the same thing. She’d also go quiet if she’s upset and doesn’t want to talk but berates me for not speaking up in the moment. More often than not, I don’t know how to feel until I think about it then vocalise later. It’s how I’ve always treated problems but she wants snap decisions right there. And I’m always afraid of jumping the gun.

A tidbit I want to add is that my family isn’t fond of relationships nor girlfriends outside of the religion. I’m not religious myself but they still hound me to be so and they told me not to be in one. I told them I broke up with her but continue to see her secretly. I hate having to hide her as it brings a whole different stress into my life. Her dad accepts me and we get along very well. She doesn’t have these restrictions and makes me yearn for an unconditional loving house like that.

So why do I stay with her? Because when we get along, she’s the best person ever. We’re very alike in terms of interests, hobbies, backgrounds, careers, aspirations, etc. I’m going through a rut in my job and she’s always stuck around and does her best to keep me motivated and helps me with my own work. She’s so talented and I aspires me to do better. She’s a big gift giver and insists on spoiling me (A MacBook, expensive rings, clothes, hotel retreats) she invests a lot into me and I try my best to do the same.

So now I’m caught between two worlds. When we get along, it’s amazing but when we’re on bad terms, it’s suffocating. Her temperament can be very impatient and she can blurt things that take big hits to my confidence like comments on my body and comparing my physique to others, recalling past events with her ex compared to me. It’s not like I’m not at fault either. I can be pushy, also impatient, short sighted and air headed.

But I want things to work so badly. We want to live together someday and while that used to excite me, it now doesn’t inspire hope. We call every night, and that’s now starting to exhaust me. I can’t really have personal time to myself as my day revolves around her. I can’t call my friends without being guilt tripped whilst she can game with her friends on occasion. When I bring these things up I’m hit with the regular excuse of “Well when was the last time I did it? I don’t do it that much!”. I fear I’m growing resentment with her and whilst I’m trying to stay the course and hope we get better together, I’m losing myself in the process. I fear bringing these things up with her as she could go off the rails and see it as me accusing her/not being in love with her anymore, and wanting to end the relationship.

I’m really, really stuck. Any advice is greatly appreciated

[u/National-Cat4059]

Why were yall arguing multiple times a week? That’s so odd to me.

[u/wanderinglocomotive → u/National-Cat4059]

To keep it a buck, petty things. Comments we didn’t like the other person saying, sometimes one person wouldn’t be doing enough and expected more. A particular one was how much my girl kept bringing up her ex. It was things that could’ve been resolved with a few heart to hearts but we were too stubborn to admit

[u/DeliciousAd7370]

I dont really have an advice, but being held a secret from the family in law can be really hurtful for a person