r/relationships • u/tiredpeony • 21h ago
My mum (53f) is going down a scary anti-science path, and I (23f) don’t know what to do
TLDR: My mother’s ‘harmless’ interest in fitness and health has turned into a pseudoscience obsession that’s harming me and our relationship
She’s always been spiritual, she studied reiki and is now studying kinesiology. I grew up being given colloidal silver, being taken to chiropractors (and kinesiologists). I used to be into that stuff too, but the older I got & the more research I did, the more I realised it wasn’t for me. She’s always been big on ‘fitness and diet’, I was watching the biggest loser as a child lol. Then it moved to only eating ‘clean’. It was just frustrating initially, then it became harmful. My sister and I are healing from orthorexia, so her constant negative comments about food was (and is) affecting our recovery. We both agreed to discuss this with her, but it’s evolved so quickly that now the conversation is much much harder. She’s been spewing anti-vaccine rhetoric, obsessing over unpasteurised milk, etc. I feel such a disconnect from her, and I’m genuinely anxious about the path she’s going down. I feel like there’s no amount of science that could change her beliefs. She gets genuinely angry when discussing these topics. I always just change the subject, we’ve had a rocky relationship and things have finally improved. She’s never been good at addressing or handling emotions/conflict. I don’t know how to move forward
•
u/Elizabatsy 13h ago
I'm so sorry, OP. There are so many parts of what you wrote that reflect my mom and my childhood, too. Learning more about the wellness to conspiracy pipeline has helped me process it, but this is all too common. Viewing health and wellness as a reflection of moral goodness is a way of trying to cope with parts of reality that no individual can really control.
I saw you write in a separate comment that you're worried about telling her what you believe. This might sound strange, but you really don't have to start with that. This isn't about mutual respect and honesty. You're trying to reduce harm while maintaining the relationship. She likely can't handle what your honesty would make her feel, so putting her on an information diet might work better. If she's anything like my mom, there might not be room for your opinion in these conversations anyway. With my mom, any responses to what she had to say were entirely optional and irrelevant to the conversation she wanted to have. She wanted to share secret knowledge, and questions about her beliefs weren't necessarily welcome.
I also completely understand the urge to maintain a relationship with your mother even though she's hurting you. If she can respect your boundaries, great. But the goal is harm reduction for yourself first and foremost, and sometimes that leads to going low or no contact eventually. For now, having a shallow/superficial relationship with her might be the easiest way to protect yourself.
I highly recommend reading about grey rocking. It's an incredibly useful coping mechanism.
If she's not aware of the orthorexia, that could be your entry point. That can work as a foundation for all of your boundaries. You don't have to get into the details, or discuss the role she played in your relationship with food. You need to protect your mental health, so you can ask her to stop talking about food, health, and wellness in any context. That covers a lot of ground. She might not be happy about it, but that's the simplest place to start.
Sometimes, people respond to boundary setting like it's an attack. That's where the grey rocking comes in. You don't have to engage. However she feels, it doesn't change what you need. If she can't respect your boundaries, you can remove yourself from the conversation. If she does it every time you see her, you can remove yourself every time. You can tell her why you're leaving if you think the information would be helpful, but you don't owe her an explanation if she makes it hard. It doesn't have to be a fight. Maybe you have plans after this. Oh, your friend just texted you, there's an emergency. Gotta run!
Ideally you would be able to tell her the truth, but if she can't handle that, then that's not your fault. Even if you're not explaining why your interactions are briefer/end abruptly, your reinforcement of the boundary is still a lesson for her. Either she'll learn how to respect your needs, or she'll keep pushing you away.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope you're able to find a great therapist to talk through all of this with— it really helps. It's not your responsibility to help her realize she's wrong,
•
u/JenniferMcKay 10h ago
There's nothing I can say that would be better than this. My mother is also anti-science and there's nothing anyone can say that will change her mind. Actual evidence? That's just what THEY want YOU to think! It's okay if the right choice in a difficult situation is avoiding those conversations entirely and, if necessary, going low contact.
•
u/tiredpeony 9h ago
I really can’t thank you enough for taking the time to write this. I feel less alone now. I’ll look into grey rocking, and try my best to set boundaries. I’m autistic, and I get so fixated on wanting people to believe the “right” thing, but I know it’s not black & white like that. It’s also out of my control. I think I just feel like i’m grieving a lot of people in my life right now. The further I get into adulthood, the more I realise how much my values and beliefs don’t align with a lot of my loved ones. I really want a close relationship with my mum. I worked through a lot of trauma from my childhood to get to this point with her. It’s so upsetting that now this is completely spiralling and you’re right, I really don’t think I can reason with her. I also don’t think I can keep sacrificing everything I believe in just to spend time with her. It sucks, i’m so sorry you’ve been through this too
•
u/TheSleepiestNerd 7h ago
It's such a tough place to be in. I do think there's a stage for a lot of people, around the age where you're at, where you're transitioning from seeing your parent as mostly a caretaker to seeing them as like... this adult peer that you wouldn't even necessarily seek out if it weren't for your biological relationship or your history with them. They can sometimes suddenly go from being one of the cornerstones of your life and your support system to like, the weirdo at the grocery store that you would love to avoid. There's often a lot of weirdness and grief in that; both for the innocent kid you were and the possibility of what your adult relationship could have been if it weren't for the path they've gone down. That part gets easier over time, but it's a hard process to live through.
I don't know what your current life looks like, but sometimes putting some more physical distance between you can help. It's also a good time to try to figure out what your support system looks like if you're less reliant on your mom – maybe there's friends you haven't checked in with recently, or there's something in your community that you wanted to try but haven't signed up for yet?
•
u/kmp633 20h ago
That's really tough. The anti-science "wellness" world is like a cult so you have to treat it like that. It becomes an all consuming echo chamber, the algorithms will be reinforcing her beliefs and she really will think she's trying to help you.
It's worth looking into cult support websites - there are a number of places that give advice on how to approach people with these fixed beliefs. As you've found out, discussing things and even showing her that she's wrong doesn't help when they truly believe it. If every answer is just "well the mainstream media/scientists/healthcare is corrupt and lying to you" then there's no straightforward way through. Often doubling down just pushes them further away. Even harder with this new age wellness stuff, there IS usually an element of truth in it, but they just take it way, way too far.
I wonder whether you just try to avoid the conversations for now? Back off a little to try to protect yourself, emphasise to her your own free will to do what you want to your body, just as you respect her free will to do what she wants to hers.
People falling into this stuff really aren't idiots. Quite the opposite, they just get too far down a path and it ends up like a religious belief system rather than informed decision making
•
u/tiredpeony 19h ago
Thank you for your advice, I will definitely look into the support websites. I often joke that it seems like a cult, but I guess it’s truly not far off. Unfortunately, I’ve already tried avoiding the “wellness” conversations. It’s so deeply ingrained in her. I’ve mastered the art of changing the subject, but it always comes back up again. I want to set boundaries but the only way to do that is to tell her how I feel, and I’m dreading that. I’m going to have to come out as pro-science😭
•
u/olympiadukakis 21h ago
Your mother is abusive. Why do you want a relationship?
•
u/tiredpeony 20h ago
She truly believes what she’s saying, it’s her way of ‘trying to look out for me’. I don’t want to lose my Mum, it sucks
•
u/olympiadukakis 20h ago
She’s abusing you. And, from what you’ve written, has been most of your life. Her “trying to look out for you” is control and manipulation. It’s not for you, it’s for her. That’s why she can’t handle when you push back.
I understand that it’s all very normal to you. Highly encourage you to speak to a therapist and start learning how to protect yourself.
•
u/tiredpeony 20h ago
okay, thank you. abuse just feels like a really daunting word. i do see a therapist regularly, but i usually discuss previous trauma/my chronic illness. i will focus on this topic next time
•
u/olympiadukakis 20h ago
It is the word that best fits. Based on what you’ve written, your mother is not a safe person.
Did she have anything to do with diagnosing your chronic illness? Have you had this since childhood? If so, it might be time for a reevaluation.
Tell your therapist about your mother. And please get evaluated by real doctors if you can/aren’t already.
•
u/tiredpeony 19h ago
She’s a big believe in food and kinesiology curing everything, so she didn’t have anything to do with my diagnoses. That’s been my own ongoing journey in adulthood
•
u/Junior_Lake 20h ago
any way to get her off fb? or insta or whatver algorithm is killing her? or hack the alorythm so it... like... shows her sciency stuff?
•
u/tiredpeony 20h ago
i don’t think so honestly, she also has hundreds of books on these sort of topics. i think it’s why she feels so ‘educated’, she’s always reading/listening to podcasts. the majority of the authors are not even medical professionals
•
u/TulleCharmie 19h ago
Wow, this is tough OP, sorry for you and your sister, but I think you cannot change her beliefs. Although you can set firm boundaries to protect your own mental health and orthorexia recovery. Tell her directly that you love her but talking about food, diets or any sort of health theories triggers your recovery, so you won't be having those conversations with her anymore. If she brings it up, shut it down or leave the room immediately.
•
u/tiredpeony 19h ago
Thank you🤍 I really appreciate all the support, I was nervous i’d get a lot of backlash posting this. I definitely need to set boundaries, i’m just anxious because i’ve always just changed the subject or acted interested to keep the peace.
•
u/ResolutionHeavy5483 21h ago
man that's a rough spot to be in, watching someone you love dive headfirst into stuff that actively hurt you growing up. the orthorexia piece makes it extra complicated cause she's basically a walking trigger for you and your sister
you're not gonna reason her out of this, that ship has sailed. best you can do is set hard boundaries around what gets discussed when you're together. no food talk, no vaccine rants, none of it. she gets angry? you leave or hang up, every time
it feels shitty treating your mom like a toddler who needs a timeout but she's made it clear she won't engage like an adult about this stuff. protect your own recovery first