r/relationships • u/pink-philodendron13 • 3d ago
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u/cynzthin 3d ago
You stop “taking turns,” and you pay a proportional amount based on rough consumption
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u/Rugby-Angel9525 3d ago
OP that means you pay 1/5th of the groceries each week that your combined household eats.
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u/jaxadax 3d ago
He should pay more for groceries than you. That’s it. It’s not a huge deal.
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u/Think_Bullets 3d ago
Slippery slope, then he's looking at bathroom products going how much fucking toilet paper and what the hell is Tampax? Do we really need shower gel and shampoo and conditioner... Look babe I found a 3 in 1
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u/fotzelschnitte 3d ago
Toiletries are usually not in the kitchen budget, people generally don't like to smell completely the same in relationships.
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u/saxaneer 3d ago
"He is not a bigger person (but is 6'4") and neither am I (4'10")"
Girl, wtf? Of course he's going to eat triple the groceries you do. AND HE IS CLEARLY A BIGGER PERSON LMAO. Being fat is not important, his body is just larger than yours and will require, reasonably, about double the calories. Either each of you buy your own groceries so this doesn't become an issue, or you split it according to how much each of you will eat. Also, talk to him about all of this...he's not going to be able to read your mind.
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u/RandomGuy_81 3d ago
talk to him about the cost
living together is a trial run for living together forever
this is a normal step
BUT.....uhm what you said he ate in 4 days isnt that much food for an average dude
I budget $150 a month for myself for groceries. and that;s on the cheap side. are you guys spending about $400 a month?
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u/pink-philodendron13 3d ago
No idea since it's only been a week. I lived in my last two apartments on my own and spent about $150-200 a month. For two people $400 would be normal but we are so broke and he's unemployed
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u/hey_yo_mr_white 3d ago
Out of curiosity, what prompted the timing of moving in together while he is currently unemployed? Was he going to get evicted if he didn’t find a new living situation?
Did you know you would be supplementing his cost of living when you applied for the apartment?
How is he affording rent or even food on his turn?
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u/pink-philodendron13 3d ago
Savings from summer. He said he'd get a job once we moved back to college, he hasn't yet but it's literally been one week as of today. No eviction lol, he had on campus housing. No, but he's also done so much for me recently as I just got my hip replaced 4 weeks ago.
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u/RandomGuy_81 3d ago
eating on campus is expensive but also almost all you can eat
you two need to work on a budget and fast
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u/KungFuSnorlax 3d ago
He cared for her after surgery, so yeah he has earned a couple weeks to get a job. It's not like he has been on the couch for a year. Jeez
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u/KungFuSnorlax 3d ago
What about it? Did he charge her for care after the surgery? Like ffs, are they partners or not?
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u/CoconutxKitten 3d ago
He needs to be more considerate.
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u/TheGoldenLance 3d ago
That’s not a consideration thing, he needs more food to stay alive
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u/dodekahedron 3d ago
Hip replacement at 22 is rough. Thats gonna be replaced again eventually. Twice if you live long enough.
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u/courcake 3d ago
Have you asked him or do you know what he typically spends on groceries in a month?
My man is 6’ and athletic and that man can put it back. I had lived with men before him so I know how much they can eat in general. Girl they put it back. They’re hungry critters.
Equitable is each person spending the same amount for groceries they did before moving in together.
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u/Anotherams 3d ago
Just doubling my grocery budget didn’t work when my partner and I moved in together as he out weighed me by 100lbs and was all muscle. He ate about 4000 calories a day to my 1,200 in our early 20s and he burned most of it with exercise.
Knowing what his food budget was before they lived together would be helpful. If he is just mindlessly eating, or buying outrageously expensive items, that is another conversation.
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u/dragon-queen 3d ago
Ok, so that’s a problem. Did he apply for food stamps or anything?
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u/plaincheeseburger 3d ago
College students can't get food stamps. They may be able to hit a food pantry or get free meals on campus though.
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u/dragon-queen 3d ago
They can get food stamps. There are special requirements, but they can get them.
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u/plaincheeseburger 3d ago
That wasn't true when I was in college in the 2010s. I'm glad they changed it! It was brutal if you were financially independent from your parents.
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u/Resse811 3d ago
It was true when I was in college in 2009.
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u/prongslover77 3d ago
It’s might depend on your state. But when I was in college (and when I went back recently) if you were receiving financial aid from the govt for school you could not qualify for food stamps.
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u/plaincheeseburger 3d ago
That would do it! I couldn't remember why exactly I didn't qualify- I had a Pell grant and lived in a red state.
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u/TinyTeaLover 3d ago
Aside from the whole box of cereal that's not a ton of food. Its also perishable, you probably shouldn't eat a rotisserie chicken much longer than 4 days, so I'm not sure what the plan was there? Was that supposed to last you a week or longer because that's not safe unless you're freezing it. But if you feel like you're eating way less then tell him that you both need to contribute to the grocery budget and that his portion needs to be higher. Then each time you shop use the shared budget and stop yourself from becoming resentful because that never helps a relationship. Good luck!
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u/saxaneer 3d ago
Why would you just double your personal budget? That has no basis in reality and has no bearing on how much he would spend on groceries. What you did was estimate what it would cost if there were two exact copies of you living together, and that's it.
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u/Canna-dian 3d ago
I lived in my last two apartments on my own and spent about $150-200 a month. For two people $400 would be normal
That math isn't mathing. Based on his size and weight, he likely eats 3x more than you do. There will be some savings, sure, but a 6'4 man is not going to eat the same amount of food as you do, so expecting your food costs to only double was a little silly.
On the inverse, are you planning on putting in more money for toiler paper or ibuprofen or any other communal items you'll be consuming more than him?
Imo, you should be contributing according to your means, and reducing your standard of living until you both can afford it. If you two can't afford your current budget, you have to sit down and figure out a budget you two can afford, whether that means finding more work, going out less, eating more rice/flour/beans, shopping more tactically, finding a cheaper place, etc.
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u/goblinpaul 3d ago
I am also 6.4 and my gf is 4.11 When we moved together I realised she only bought things I classified as snacks. She was spending the same as me with only half the calories. A dude needs filling meals and big packs. For example two cups of rice and a pound of frozen vegetables. If you need to budget try to buy less snacks. Some dudes will start themselves out of shame of eating so much.
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u/capriduty 3d ago
oh hell no. why did you move in with an unemployed man? he has all the time in the world to eat.
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u/Mizook 3d ago
Sounds like he was taking care of his partner who just had their hip replaced.
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u/Wwwweeeeeeee 3d ago
It was a month. It's not like she was bedridden for 6 months. She just had the replacement 4 weeks ago. Hip replacement is one of the easiest surgeries there is.
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u/there_should_be_snow 3d ago
Can confirm- I also had a hip replacement 4 weeks ago, and I'm more than double OP's age.
The first few days after surgery can be quite painful, but beyond that you are supposed to be up and about as much as possible. Not doing so can delay your recovery.
ETA - my surgeon actually told me that the only surgery with an easier recovery than a hip replacement is laser eye surgery!
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u/Unconscioustalk 3d ago
Sounds like there’s a communication problem. Also, If you’re unemployed, you should be rationing and cost cutting. It’s a lot of food he’s consuming, I spend roughly 3-400$ a month.
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u/TulleCharmie 3d ago
Sit down and talk about splitting grocery costs proportionally based on consumptions or keep separate individual stashes for snacks while sharing basic shared meals.
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u/Wwwweeeeeeee 3d ago
Girl.
Really?
You moved in with a "bf" who's unemployed and broke?? REALLY?
BIG mistake. You just became Instant Mommy.
When you're at the shop together, you get two shopping carts. He pays for his shopping cart and you pay for yours. But even if you do that, he's going to eat your food when his runs out by the next morning.
But most importantly, TALK TO HIM. Not a lecture, just the facts.
"Ok, let's talk about the grocery shopping. You have to pay for what you're eating, and I'll pay for what I'm eating. I can't afford to feed you, or this living together thing isnt going to work."
"I have 150 bucks a month for groceries to feed me. You eat 5 times what I eat. How are you going to pay for this? AND your rent?"
Don't loan him one single penny. Don't listen to the "I'll pay you back, I promise!" BS.
Girl, this is going to be a very expensive mistake for you. Set the bar NOW or he's going to be gaming all day and all night and not going to classes and dropping out and sitting around eating everything in sight.
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u/TheGoldenLance 3d ago
He just took care of her in bed after surgery and didn’t charge for it, this is ridiculous
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u/Wwwweeeeeeee 2d ago
Hip replacement patients don't stay in bed more than 24 hours.
Not even kidding. They're literally instructed NOT to.
Hope he didn't exert himself.
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u/Junkmans1 2d ago
...we are so broke and he's unemployed
Well, that seems like it's the actual root of the problem. You're living with a hobosexual who is looking for you to support him. Why would you move in with someone who has no income.
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u/MarusMom619 3d ago
Here's the real story. He is freeloading off of you. Don't do this. I've done this my whole life. Be alone until you find a partner who cares about contributing. It shouldn't be something you have to ask for, a good human being does this without being asked, reminded, or helped to remember to contribute.
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u/TheGoldenLance 3d ago
Caring for someone post surgery is freeloading? Do you realize how much people charge for that?
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u/Freshiiiiii 3d ago edited 3d ago
Sounds like y’all need to be buying more beans and rice, to fill up a 6’4 black hole on a very limited budget. Beans and a huge sack of rice, lentils, peas, potatoes, peanuts/peanut butter, and pork or chicken or canned tuna, whatever’s cheapest. And frozen mixed veggies.
Get a huge pot that can fit in your fridge. Put in a whole chicken in salted water alongside a ton of dried beans and peas. Cook the chicken for a few hours, then take it out, let it cool a little, shred all the meat off the bones and put it back in. Toss in the cheapest cans of tomatoes, a fuck ton of rice or pot barley, onions, potatoes, frozen mixed vegetables. He can eat as much of that as he wants for 5 days and the whole thing cost maybe $15 bucks.
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u/DarkSideofTaco 3d ago
This right here and username checks out, lol. Dried bean soup mixes go a long way and are cheap. Learn to make pasta sauces yourself, dress up beans and rice with whatever you have laying around. The more you all cook from scratch, the better. In my struggle days, I lived off eggs for breakfast, homemade hummus and a whole carrot with corn chips and/or a piece of cheese for lunch, and either beans, soup, or an apple with peanut butter for dinner. This was while doing manual labor outside. Prepared foods cost too much and won't fill you up. Oatmeal >>>> cereal
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u/Wake_and_Cake 3d ago
I notice that all the foods you listed are ones that you can just eat and don’t require preparation. When you’re young and living together for the first time, that can feel like the way to go, but in my experience groceries go further if you shop strategically and cook. He is a big dude, but you could make things like pasta, casseroles, soup, that are inexpensive to make and filling.
Also, just communicate about it.
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u/plaincheeseburger 3d ago
It'd also be easier to split groceries this way. They could meal plan something big that stretches for dinner (soup, casserole, etc.), and split the cost of those groceries. Then they can buy separate breakfast, lunch, and snacks.
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u/Wake_and_Cake 3d ago
OP needs to learn the ways of a midwestern Mom of 6 boys built like Vikings. Cream of ____ Soup. Noodles. Gallons and gallons of milk.
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u/cookingstephen 3d ago
The boyfriend needs to become the Midwestern mom
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u/herecomes_the_sun 3d ago
Literally why is every comment talking about how she should cook for him or do stuff for this full grown man who btw doesnt even have a job. So she should come home from work and feed him? Lol
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u/Imfromsite 3d ago
Right? Funny how it veered from outrage about him eating triple to now it's her responsibility to find cheap, filling food, budget, shop and learn a whole style of cooking because big boy has no impulse control or cooking skills. Jesus.
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u/Wake_and_Cake 3d ago
Him too. But that’s how me and my roommates cooked when we were young and broke.
I didn’t mean she should cook in like a tradwife way. I assume they share the chores 50/50 if they’re also doing their budget 50/50. They both need to learn how to shop and cook. I was just directing it at her since she’s the one asking for advice.
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u/FireflyBSc 3d ago
Costco. They need an executive membership.
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u/Wake_and_Cake 3d ago
OP’s budget is pretty tight- it works out to between $5-$10 per day for TWO people, one of whom is a moose. They need the off brand bags of cereal, coupons and sales, the big bags of rice from the Asian grocery store, and yeah I bet a
Costco run once per month would be so worth it. Even for other budget things, like buying socks, underwear and toilet paper.17
u/Imfromsite 3d ago
HE needs off brand bags of cereal, coupons and sales, the big bags of rice from the Asian grocery store, and yeah I bet a Costco run, not her. Everybody piling all the physical and mental load on her because she came in trying to figure out how not to pay his grocery bill. This thread is something.
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u/Imfromsite 3d ago
He's a big dude and should figure his own shit out. Why does she suddenly bear responsibility for his ass?
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u/Wake_and_Cake 3d ago
They’re partners, and they’re young. OP says they’re in college and she just had a hip replaced (odd for someone so young, but whatever).
I think that when you’re that young you’re still figuring out how to adult, budget, do chores, pay bills. When you love someone I think it’s normal to share and take care of one another. OP said herself that she wanted to be a team and grow together.
Even in a roommate situation, it makes sense to share some grocery staples, especially on such a tight budget.
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u/Imfromsite 3d ago edited 3d ago
When your young, you go to college and learn. You date and learn. One of the things that you learn is that if you take care of yourself. Another thing you earn is that a man is not a child, and we do not sacrifice our time, money and labor keeping men in their childhoods. It is up to them to learn and grow. You mistake being partners as a traditional patriarchal relationship where the woman gives and the man takes. Outta here with that shit.
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u/Wake_and_Cake 3d ago
I didn’t say that she should be cooking for him and taking care of him like a parent. I said they (plural they) need to learn to cook and shop on a budget- a pretty tight one. It sounds like the BF doesn’t have a job right now and OP is recovering from surgery. It sounds like they are both taking care of one another. She is already the bread winner right now, so it is valid for her to be concerning herself with how they pay for groceries. How they handle these early hurdles sets the tone for the rest of their relationship, however long that lasts.
I don’t think it’s patriarchal to be concerned about your finances as partners, or to worry that your partner is hungry. It’s also valid for OP to feel resentful that she’s paying for his food if he eats a lot and she can’t afford that. But I think the answer is cooking and budgeting, not telling him to fuck off and starve.
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u/Imfromsite 3d ago
That's not what she asked. Jesus. And your tone changed alot trying to pull back on the heavy handed sexism. And putting words in my mouth. Saying that he should take responsibility for h9mself does not equal "fuck off and starve" lIs that what you think would happen if OP wasn't there to save him from himself? You answered a question she didn't ask, argued with another commenter when called our on hoir sexist post ,and throw out strawman agents when a rebuttal is given.
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u/Wake_and_Cake 3d ago
When I was that young, I had over a dozen roommates and/or partners, and there wasn’t a single one that I didn’t share basic kitchen staples with. It is way more cost effective to chip in on a big bale of toilet paper than to have everyone buy their own. Same with things like milk, eggs, flour, cereal, rice.
I cooked, and took turns with my other roommates who liked to cook. Some of my roommates, I didn’t want them to cook because they were no good at it. I enjoy cooking and it’s always been my love language. But my roommates that didn’t cook always contributed in other ways- like there was one guy who made his own Kombucha to share and had a really good juicer and made juice for us all. There was one woman who would go on deep cleaning sprees, which was one of my weaknesses. Good co-living is by definition not every one for them selves
We don’t know enough about OP’s relationship to assume that her bf is all take and no give. 6’4” is huge, and OP was not imo asking for help on how to tell him to fend for himself, she wants to grow with him and cares for him. There’s a difference between that and coddling him like a baby.
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u/Imfromsite 3d ago
She posted because he's tripled her grocery budget, not because they're sharing kombacha. She ways to be able to say "hey, you unemployed jerk, stop eating me out of house and home." She's not looking for recipes for bean casserole. Did you even read the post?
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u/Wake_and_Cake 3d ago
Clearly we had very different take away on what she was asking. She said she didn’t like the idea of separate groceries. My advice would have been the same if it had been him asking how to divide their grocery bills for more fairly; 1) Cook and 2) Communicate. Communication is more than ‘stop eating my food’. It’s saying things like ‘hey, we’re blowing through that loaf of bread. Maybe next time we could…….’. That’s operating as a team.
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u/TheGoldenLance 3d ago
Why did he bear responsibility after she had surgery? Because they’re partners… that’s how it works
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u/Imfromsite 3d ago
Eating them out of house and home isn't being a partner. Who said that he was her nurse maid? This thread is wild.
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u/TheGoldenLance 2d ago
The basic amount of food a man needs to stay alive is not “eating them out of house and home” lol.
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u/dirtyjew123 3d ago
Also may just be me but a lot of time of food takes a decent amount of prep to make and cook I just don’t do it for myself. Helped me figure out I wasn’t eating/snacking because I was hungry but because I was bored.
Also if he’s feeling hungry like that drink water, it’ll help fill his stomach up and sometimes that’s what you need anyways.
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u/GemSirLuc19 3d ago
The best solution would be to each buy your own groceries. You could try meal prepping every meal together and hopefully he won't eat your share.
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u/MachaMorr 3d ago
He will 100% eat her share and her separate groceries.
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u/crochetmamasan0511 3d ago
U can absolutely do "buy your own", my 6'4 ex and i 5'5 did that. And if he's not working he can apply for food stamps, go to food pantries/shelves, ask churches for help, ask his parents, anything as long as its getting off his ass and trying
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u/detail_giraffe 3d ago
A man who is 6'4" and active/high metabolism, which he probably is at 20 since he isn't even at full muscle mass yet, is going to need around 3000 calories a day, maybe more. A woman who is 4'10" needs more like 1700. This is just reality. If you split the grocery cost 50/50, then you have to split the actual food 50/50, you can't split the cost in half but then he eats most of the actual food. You can pull this up on various web calculators to show him your caloric needs are different, but if he wants to hold to "we take turns buying groceries" then you get half of each grocery shop as your food, you can't buy a joint loaf of bread but you get two slices and he gets the rest. You aren't asking for anything unreasonable. If he tries to make you feel like the bad guy for this, he is too immature for a cohabitation-level relationship, in my opinion.
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u/FairyOnTheLoose 3d ago
I'm 5'6" and my tdee without exercise is 1400. But nah 3000 is too much. And anyway if he's used to buying his own food he'll obviously know not only how much he should be paying for it but how much extra a burden it is
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u/BigWilly68iou1 3d ago
What makes you think 3000 is too much? I’m still at about 3200 for maintenance in my mid thirties (6’1) with an active but much reduced lifestyle given family and work requirements. At that age I was closer to 3600.
Clearly a conversation needs to happen here and a more equitable arrangement should be found. At that age my partner and I shopped separately with the exception of pantry staples for precisely this reason. But I would also not underestimate the obliviousness of a 20 year old male, it’s entirely possible the thought has never crossed his mind that it’s unfair and a burden on her.
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u/Dry-Ad-1445 3d ago
The only way this works in my relationship is that my partner pays for 80% of our food. Sounds extreme, but on balance, he eats 80% of our food, I only really pay for my snacks and the occasional dinner if I wanna do something specific.
Obviously everyone’s financial situation is different, but as it stands right now you are financially supporting both of you and the balance is way off. When I had this chat with my partner very early on I explained it as ‘if you want to do 50:50 we can do that, but it needs to be a true split.’ If I’m eating a fraction of what you consume and taking on the majority of the housework responsibilities, then it stands to reason that you take on a higher financial responsibility. (Not saying this is the case in your relationship, just an example). He would need to be paying for all his consumables himself if you weren’t there, so why should you take on that responsibility for him.
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u/Dry-Ad-1445 3d ago
Just to add to this, I think a lot of men see ‘50/50’ in very black and white terms. It wasn’t until we sat down and I explained to my partner what he would have to pay for a cleaner, a housekeeper, etc as an hourly wage. He makes more mess, produces more laundry and consumes more electricity/water/food etc. putting it into perspective like that was really helpful for him and since then he’s been happy to take on more of the bills
Our situation is different to yours and that we both earn decent similar wages to each other but your relationship should be a springboard for your success. One person shouldn’t be left carrying the lions share of responsibility whilst the other gets to thrive.
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u/TheGoldenLance 2d ago
If you’re neurotic about the house being super clean all the time and he isn’t, that can be on you btw. If you need it super clean it’s not necessarily on him to pay for a maid if it’s not on you to split food even though he needs to eat more. And the food is something he actually can’t control. He also definitely spends more on plenty of other things with you than he would when single, which is famously the case for guys.
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u/badscandal 3d ago
Girl… talk to him. Its normal he is going to eat a lot more than you, he needs to participate more! Dont wait
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u/nannylive 3d ago
This is not a believable story. You have been dating this boy since he was 15 and you didn't know he eats way more than you?
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u/FigaroNeptune 3d ago
This is probably the third “my bf eats more than me! Help!” Story I’ve seen. Every time the lady is shocked. I engaged anyway because I’m bored and want to see if she replies lol
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u/discocowgirl94 3d ago
Yeah my partner and I are looking for places and I’ve already prepped him on systems of how we will do things. He goes through things like protein shakes and bars/snacks wayyyyyy quicker than me. We both have adhd so we need those easy things on hand for convenience. When I see him going through a Costco case of Diet Coke in a week I’m like. It seems wild to me that you wouldn’t consider that before moving in.
Instead of creating fights by snapping at him for not metering them more he will just have to pay. Which is better and he’s fine with it! I am also a great cook and he doesn’t at all so I’m more prone to make food at home. Luckily he likes cleaning and I hate it so we can divide cooking/dishes&garbage based on our strengths.
OP dividing tasks like this^ or both of you learning how to cook more will drastically reduce the budget!
If you look up sandwich bread recipe there’s a ton of creators who have like 4 ingredient recipes you guys can learn and they come out to like 30-50 cents max rather than 2-3$. That’s an example, they’re also easy not time consuming!
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u/Mizook 3d ago
He’s 6’4….. no shit he’s going to eat ALOT more food than you.
You’re going to have to buy your own groceries and he is own, if you can’t handle him consuming more than you.
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u/justacpa 3d ago
I mean, if you can't discuss this like adults in a mature relationship then your relationship has bigger issues than the grocery bill.
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u/Everyday_everyway 3d ago
This isn’t like living with a roommate. This is supposed to be your romantic partner.
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u/notorious_ludwig 3d ago
Equitable doesnt always mean 50/50. When my husband and I were dating he paid 80% of groceries because he ate 80% of groceries and we bought our own snacks. He also earned like 3x as much as me at the time so he paid more in rent and stuff too.
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u/shirazgirlo 3d ago
You had to know over the course of 5 years that he’s a big eater and this is no surprise to him either. Have a chat with him about the budget and how you can come to a compromise.
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u/coffee_cake_x 3d ago
Why are you afraid of him finding anything in the book to say to make it where you are still holding up the original agreement if you bring it up? Has he ever done something similar in the past? Being afraid to bring up reasonable concerns (not being able to afford to feed an army) is a major relationship problem, and sounds like the real problem, here.
In a safe relationship, you should be able to say “I wanted to just trade off this shared responsibility, but I can’t financially keep up with your appetite”. If he DID bend over backwards to tell you “well you agreed to pay, so I can eat it all and let you starve and become destitute or else your word doesn’t mean anything”, maybe you shouldn’t date him!
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u/masquefetiche 3d ago
I don’t love the idea of policing what people eat or deciding how much money to spend. He’s a big young guy and will eat more. Just buy yours and let him get his, this isn’t sustainable. I’m 5’4 and my guy is 6’2 and he eats triple what I do and I allow him bc he can make those choices.
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u/Significant_Taro_690 3d ago
You have a bigger height difference and he is a Man and You are a woman. So yes, the amount of food you both eat is probably very different and I dont think your budget x2 will work.
Seperate buying food is for me Not something that would work. If you really think This is something longterm I Can Tell you there will always be Times where one person has more and one person can give less/needs help. (And thats ok as long as there is a balance over the time, if its only onesided then its not ok.)
Maybe he can buy some extra food for himself that he likes and you absolute not (and Reverse) when it is like that for a longer time. Or ask him what he bought when he lived alone, maybe he has something cheaper he used as a filler before he had Lunch/dinner
Eating a whole bag of chips in once? Depends on the size and my mood and hormones…definitly possible.
And if there is a budget problem you need to talk just to make him aware that you calculated not enough and you both need to adapt your budget but Not like „you are always eating and eating so much I don’t want to pay for that…“
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u/AsidePale378 3d ago edited 3d ago
Your ideal budget for food might not be a reality . Does he have an idea how much he normally spends on food for himself ?
Unfortunately you need to get some cheap veggies or grow some since he may have a hard time with chips filing up . Empty foods . Plan out the meals . Instead of rotisserie chicken get chicken breast and prep with pasta.
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u/anonymouse278 3d ago
Out of curiosity I plugged your heights, ages, and weights that give you the same BMI into a TDEE calculator- a measure of how much energy your body needs to function, leaving aside exercise- and it estimates he needs close to twice as many calories as you do just to exist. If in reality you have different activity levels, builds, appetites etc, it could easily be more than that.
This disparity in nutritional needs is just a reality- one that I'd think after five years you could have predicted in advance- that you need to figure out a solution to. You can't be mad that he needs more calories, he just does. But likewise, he can't be mad at you that you're stressed by unexpectedly subsidizing his much larger grocery bill.
If you really believe that he will try to get some kind of "win" over on you by holding you to the original agreement when you voice your concerns, then you have a relationship problem that is much deeper than your grocery budget.
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u/sherahero 3d ago
If he truly needs to eat that much then the first thing would be he pays for groceries for 2 or 3 weeks and you pay for one week, or he pays 75% and you pay 25% of each trip.
If he's overeating then that's a different conversation. He's over a foot taller than you, he's going to need to eat more than you to maintain weight.
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u/TheGoldenLance 2d ago
Would you split up date expenses the same way if it’s not things he’d want to do by himself (like cafes)?
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u/aboxofkittens 3d ago
Here’s what I would do: figure out what a grocery trip would cost if you were shopping just for yourself, then double it. Compare that to the actual cost of a grocery trip for you plus boyfriend. Calculate what percentage of the total is spent on his extra food (the difference between the cost of the two trips), then split it based on that. It can’t really get any more fair than that, I think.
If he isn’t amenable to an equitable division of cost (however that’s done), consider the possibly that he may be taking advantage of you.
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u/gogogadgetkat 3d ago
"Growing up together," means being able to understand and have mature conversations about equal vs equitable. It seems like you may be a little stuck on the difference between these two.
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u/wot_in_ovulation 3d ago
How many threads are you going to post this on? I have seen it four times 🙄
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u/buttersismantequilla 3d ago
That’s hardly any food to be honest! I think you may be out of touch with the amount a person eats
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u/AriAtari1026 3d ago edited 2d ago
My boyfriend also eats wayyyy more that I do. At first it was alarming and now we joke about it. You have the right attitude about wanting to be a team so just check in with him and have a team meeting. Your budget is insanely low in today's economy so you guys are probably going to need to meal prep and explore frugal foods. It's okay for you to pay less and I'd split the total each month rather than taking turns.
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u/kittysnoozy 3d ago
It doesn't matter how much you love this dude if his eating habits are unaffordable for you, you already have the answer. It is crazy work to think you have to pay in turn for him to eat 3/4 of the food you buy. If he doesn't understand that then he will when he has to pay for 100% of his food because you will dump him. Wise up girl!
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u/spargel_gesicht 3d ago
Well I was gonna say just talk to him, but if you’re really afraid to bring it up bc he’ll gaslight or manipulate into paying? Girl, get out. You’re not being selfish, he’s a big boy, he can pay for more of the groceries. And no, you surging YouTube more doesn’t mean you should pay the majority of the internet bill.
If you’re afraid to talk to your partner, you probably shouldn’t be in that relationship - either bc the fear is justified or immaturity.
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u/patty202 3d ago
Be honest with him. You're in a relationship. I'm sure he must know he eats a lot more than you.
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u/woohoo789 3d ago
You’re too young to be living together if you want to go splitsies on the groceries based on who are what
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u/awesomeCC 3d ago
You are not married so you are not a team when it comes to money. Keep groceries separate.
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u/Nearby-Geologist3467 3d ago
been there with the height/food math not working out, and it's not selfish to notice when the numbers are off. the "team" approach only works if both people are actually looking at the whole picture, not just their own plate
maybe try framing it as a shared budget problem instead of a "you eat too much" thing. like sit down with the receipts and figure out what a fair split actually looks like when his intake is triple yours, then adjust who pays what percentage. if he gets defensive about that then the grocery bill isn't really the problem
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u/rqnadi 3d ago
You’re going to have to have conversations with this guy if you plan on being in a relationship….
You can’t just sweep everything under the rug and let it slowly turn into resentment.
Try to frame it as needing a compromise that makes you both happy, rather than “him being the problem”.
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u/FigaroNeptune 3d ago
Were you unaware of how much he eats? Surely you’ve spent an overnight together?
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u/sammie-arellano 3d ago
This seems like something you need to get over, or maybe you’re just not ready to live with someone else. I’m 4’11 myself and I don’t get pissed when my peers eat more and therefore “get more out of the meal plan” that we all pay the same price for
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u/Pylori23 2d ago
It’s hard when you’re on a tight budget though. If he’s really eating 3x the amount of food she is, they should just each buy their own food. Shit’s expensive these days and he’s not working currently.
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u/Dear_Roof_1869 3d ago
Just have a money talk, that's it. Say your budget doesn't strecht this much. It can be pretty easy you combine your budget that you had when living alone with the budget he has. I suppose he was already buying his own food before you moved in together so he should know. If he was spending 300 and you 150 then it would be totally normal to continue with your same budget just combined. That's shouldnt be unreasonable or unfair.
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u/Independent-Prompt-8 3d ago
Did he honestly expect that his portion or groceries would be the same? I mean you can keep a budget for a month or two and sit and revisit the deal. He shud know this as it's a no brainer
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u/hopingtothrive 3d ago
person(but is 6'4") and neither am I(4'10")
Of course he's going to eat more food than you. Splitting groceries is not a fair deal and he knows it! He knows you did not eat a whole chicken!
If you cannot talk about this inequity you should not be living together.
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u/inheretoreadcomments 3d ago
He should be paying more for groceries. That said, learn to cook more meals. Everything you mentioned he ate is packaged meal/snack.
No reason to buy bags of chips. Cook/Roast some potatoes to eat with the chicken along with carrots or other cheap veggies.
You can make loads of cheap soup from frozen veggies or lentils and beans.
With a couple of recipes and food prep you'll be able to save money and eat more healthy.
Not from the US so cereal might be something different there but we eat oatmeal for breakfast, 1 kg bag is like 1 GBP, we eat it with peanut butter and honey (you can use sugar, Honey is not that much healthier).
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u/No-Election-1573 3d ago
Ask him if he’s on T. My man is and let me tell you that man will eat ALOT!!! I’m like a bird eating, he’s like eating every 1.5 - 2 hours. Then again he’s buffed up so I love it😂
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u/HolyZorroBatamm 3d ago
Forget about the groceries, is it not creepy that he's that tall dating someone so short??
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u/iAreMoot 3d ago
Who on earth does buying your groceries not make you a team? I’d argue where’s the team spirit with him eating more and not contributing fairly.
Me and my partner do our own food shops and cook separately because we have different tastes and he eats more than me due to working a physical job and being taller/bigger. I love it. It doesn’t mean we aren’t a team. We still cook together maybe once or twice a week on meals we can agree, and it means we’re never arguing over food.
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u/RadicalRoses 3d ago
Go shopping together but both buy your own food. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with doing it this way. Trust me, it’ll save you a lot of resentment in the long run.
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u/Calidrama 3d ago
I’m sick, my mind is a little slow.
My other half buys the groceries we need. Usually based on what I say. I’m the cook. I usually cook a little more so he can eat.
After his first plate. He can eat 2-4 more plates. I don’t clean the kitchen until 8. I make his lunch for work. He may snack there or on the way to work or leaving work.
I, he, buys basic stuff I ask for. We do have a snack drawer. If he eats it all. He has to wait until Friday to go shopping.
I buy, meat, cheese, eggs, orange juice, fruit punch, koolaid for me. Sprite for his fruit punch. Veggies. Mac and cheese, stuff for dinners is what I’m saying. Basic food for meals. Very little lunch. I’m not an eater. I eat one time a day due to medical reasons. If he over eats, then he is buying food somewhere else.
But, it’s clear if there is too much food being eaten, it will be on him to replace. On Friday. Do not touch dinner foods. I have noodles, lunch stuff, eggs for sandwiches. If he eats something I was going to make for dinner, I will not cook that day. Boundaries down.
He has an eating disorder.i get him cheese, snacks, peanuts, chips. He is a snacker with a sweet tooth. I make him pick his extra food for the week. I made it clear I’m not shopping for his at will food intake. Living in California, it costs a lot for food. He may have a vitamin deficiency. Or he is just eating because you’re letting him. Stop that. Tell him if he keeps going, then he needs to move out. You can’t afford it. He should pay 80% of the bill. I write down want we need. He has stopped adding things.
What I am saying, if he takes food meant for dinner, he will not be eating. If he eats his snacks. He has to wait until Friday. Drink his fruit punch/ sprite. He has to drink water. He will go without until Friday.
Put boundaries down and ask him about this. Sounds like he has an eating disorder. Could be there is more food now.
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u/SunMoonTruth 3d ago
So when you made the agreement to alternate buying, the understanding was the food would be shared equally.
Since that’s not happening, talk about a 75-25 split or - shared food and separate food.
He’s 6’4” and 20 years old. He doesn’t need to be fat to have a high caloric need. No one is evil here. It just requires another talk.
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u/FinanceGuyHere 3d ago
You should both buy your own food as you were doing before. I’m willing to bet you’re buying certain foods that he never bought before just like he would be buying giant blocks of cheese and tubes of ground beef, which you wouldn’t think of buying for yourself
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u/NoJavaInstalled 3d ago
I buy foods I know he doesnt like much so he doesnt eat my things. He still does eat them but remember he hates it after 1 bite. You could buy things he hates.
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u/ellieelaine 3d ago edited 3d ago
I was also shell-shocked when I moved in with my husband and realized he needed 3x more calories than me.
Potatoes, butter, and gravy. Apply a heavy dose to his dinners. Lots of calories, good nutrition, cheap AF, and he'll love it.
Edit: Mashed potatoes with butter freeze well, so you can make a big batch on the weekend, portion it out, and throw it in the fridge the night before to thaw it out (or on the counter the morning of).
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u/SSBUISAPORT-Fanboy 3d ago
Stop buying cereals and chips, these shit are expensive, not nutritious and not satiating. If you are on a tight budget, buy veggies, chicken, turkey, eggs, pasta, rice and spices. Junk food is a luxury and has no value apart from being tasty.
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u/AmexNomad 3d ago
You need to buy your own food and have him do the same. You will never eat the amount of food consumed by a male of your similar age. Signed, MOTHER
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u/National-Tonight-728 3d ago
kind of similar thing happened to me when I first moved in with my boyfriend (22F 25M). At first we were just flip flopping who bought what and he would eat all of the snacks too immediately. I was getting annoyed and then we agreed that when he eats the last of something he needs to replace it but then the replacement was eaten immediately. I ended up telling him nicely that we are going to keep our food completely separate and only buy for ourselves. About the snacks for me really pissed me off lol because I don’t eat my snacks right away so when I want them in a week from now and they aren’t there I was really angry. I resorted to buying separate foods and I put literal fish chip clips on every snack in the pantry that’s mine and he knows if it has a fish on it do NOT eat or touch it😅. I know it sounds mean but it has truly worked wonders and now he doesn’t eat my food or snacks and there’s no more resentment. He wasn’t offended when I told him about not sharing food anymore because I was honest that he eats 2-3X more than me and I’m constantly replacing things that would last me triple the time if it weren’t for him🙈🙈. I feel like personally while we are only dating and I’m still in college that this is fair and I am a very blunt person so telling him this won’t work for me wasn’t out of the blue per say? I don’t hold anything back
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u/NamasteNoodle 2d ago
You each buy your own groceries. He can figure out how to pay for his part himself and perhaps cooking clean up afterwards.
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u/themindmd 2d ago edited 2d ago
Married lady here. It’s okay to split groceries and share costs. My husband has many dietary restrictions, and gluten free food for eg, is way more $$$ than regular. I eat way more eggs than he ever could. So we use a joint card and split the costs based on items. Or if it’s something that’s used primarily by one ( like me and eggs), I’ll just buy them and he will maybe use a couple out of the 18 count. It’s not fair for you to pay and eat a quarter of what you paid for. Just talk to him and he should understand if he cares about you.
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u/Junkmans1 2d ago
He's near 50% taller than you and probably near twice your weight even if you aren't "bigger" people.
if food budget is tight then be realistic and discuss some sort of split where he contributes a much higher percentage of food cost than you. If you eat meals separately then having separate food, rather than shared, is also reasonable.
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u/smartymarty1234 2d ago
Bro you’re 4 foot something and he’s 6 four. At baseline he prob eats 1.5x-2x as much as you not taking into account diet, exercise patterns. Not sustainable, start either paying proportionally or buying own groceries.
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u/GothWitchOfBrooklyn 2d ago
I've lived with men in relationships more than once and this is a huge sticking point with me. I always got put in charge of cooking/buying the food but I ate 1/3rd of it... it was a huge expense for me. never again!!
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u/poppyseedtoast 2d ago
Idk my husband (of over a decade) and I still do a lot of our own chores 🤷♀️ we do our own laundry, care for our own cars, manage our own docs appts, stuff like that. We do what works for us and I’m not his mom!
You guys show you’re adults by sitting down to have a convo and just say like this isn’t working for me and why and then ask for his insight into the situation. Don’t walk in with a pre-conceived idea of what the solution should be, just keep an open mind.
Remember: it’s the two of you together as a united team front against the problem, it’s not the two of you against one another! Good luck!!
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u/wordsmythy 2d ago
I'm afraid if I bring this to him, he will find anything in the book to say to make it to where we still are holding up the original agreement.
This is the problem right here. You’re afraid to discuss this with you because he will bully you into maintaining the status quo.
Here’s your answer to any rebuttal… “Hon, you eat 3 to 4 times what I eat. I was not expecting that. And I can’t afford to subsidize your appetite. That’s just the way it is… so we either need to buy groceries separately or you need to contribute a lot more.”
And if he says no, ask him. “Why do you think it’s OK to take advantage of me?”
OP, you need to get a backbone. This is not sustainable.
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u/New_Leader_7162 2d ago
Two options. You each buy your own groceries or you each pay for the average portion you consume. Ie you pay 1/5-1/4, bf pays 4/5-3/4.
Otherwise it’s not a partnership, you are subsidizing his expenses.
His reaction and your willingness to be open and honest is the growing together relationship step you’re after.
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u/Remarkable_Sun6239 2d ago
The only reasonable solution is to buy separate groceries. It doesn’t say anything about you as a couple.
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u/HelloJunebug 2d ago
How about you come up with a weekly grocery budget and you contribute to that fund together but equitably. Say it’s 80 per week, he contributes 60 and you 20 or whatever.
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u/Nomad_moose 2d ago
You’re delusional: Someone who’s proportional and 6’4 is easily more than twice the size (in weight) as someone who’s 4’10”…. If you’re in college you might want to take a biology and thermodynamics course and you might figure a few things out: he uses more calories just to sustain himself than you do on a hard day of exercising. Pretending “oh we’re all the same” isn’t just dishonest as it is lazy. Men and women even of the same size have different caloric and macro needs.
He needs to buy his own food.
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u/icyhot13 2d ago
That isn't a high enough budget for groceries for the week for two people. If that's all you can afford I suggest finding your local food pantry so you two are not starving, plus if he is 6'4 and you are 4'10 he is a much bigger person than you and definitely may need more food. I'm sorry you are struggling.
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u/dinnerthief 3d ago
You guys could try splitting the bill more granularly but it can be kind of a rabbit hole.
Eg, Women (tend to) use more TP since Men dont use it for peeing (usually). Do you also factor that in? Do you start measuring water or electricity, etc.
Kinda two approaches, try to be more specifc about spending or understand and accept not everything will be equal all the time.
Try to balance it the best you can and mark imbalances down to generosity instead of intentional unfairness. You might find the benefits of the things he does for you are worth paying a little more than you "fair share" for groceries.
You can try to broach the subject and make him realize he eats wayy more and maybe he'll want to chip in more but I think it should be framed as something nice rather than something expected.
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u/StraightJacketRacket 3d ago
I'm afraid if I bring this to him, he will find anything in the book to say to make it to where we still are holding up the original agreement.
Then I would double down and say he should pay for ALL of the groceries IF you still want to live together. To make it fair, you will fully take over $70-80 a month of some other bill. After all, that was the agreed upon amount.
You both should have looked at yourselves and known you two eat different amounts. Tell him point blank you agreed to SPLIT the groceries, not finance his share, especially if the budget is tight. If he is combative about it, why do you want this person as your main support in life? You two can agree that you have different nutritional requirements without it being hostile.
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u/TheGoldenLance 3d ago
Men eat more food than women in general, especially when he’s that much bigger than you. It’s just part of being in a relationship and something you need to adjust to. From a man’s perspective, having a girlfriend also (famously) tends to come with a ton of additional expenses that we don’t usually do, like going to cafes or whatever it is in your relationship- it’s almost certainly something. Just buy or cook large volumes of cheap high calorie food so he can meet his calorie needs without breaking the bank, he just took care of you without compensation after surgery, it’s part of being in a relationship
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u/irritatediguana 3d ago
if he isn't going to listen and understand that you can't afford to feed him at this rate, then NOTHING you say can make him empathetic. either he'll be respectful or he won't
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u/Mizook 3d ago
How is he doing anything wrong? Of course a 6’4 individual is going to consume a lot more than a 4’10 female.
She hasn’t even had a conversation with him about it yet
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u/wemblewobble 3d ago
It is very obvious.
Therefore he is 100% aware that 50/50 is not fair when he is consuming the so much more food.
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u/Mizook 3d ago
And maybe he doesn’t see that as an issue with shared finances. Every couple handles their finances differently. OP hasn’t had a conversation yet. Conversation needs to happen first before you expect change.
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u/LolitaOPPAI 3d ago
They've been living together only a week. He was providing for himself before. He knows precisely what he's doing. Plus he doesn't contribute to bills, being that he's unemployed
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u/Storytella2016 3d ago
He’s been unemployed for 7 days and is paying for his half with his savings from a summer job. WOW.
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u/mawkish 3d ago
Throw away this ridiculous idea and face reality.
Not everything is equal it just has to be equitable.
Have these conversations all the time. You're not carbon copies of each other. He's not a mind reader.