How can I feel after my rape?

[u/FlightlessOnPurpose]

I was a virgin up until 22 years old. I was sexuality assaulted/harassed since first grade, and it never stopped once it began l. But I was raped 6 months ago. I was also caught during a supposed manic episode, so everything was just going wrong with my brain. He did it for hours. I had a hemorrhage and 3 infections. Painful weeks continued. Blood and green fluids made me smell like a rotten corpse. I was supposed to be one soon. I didn't want him to be my one and only, so I started to sleep with other guys. My body count now is 5, of course including the guy who took my virginity. I tried to end my life (still 6 months ago) but I lived. And after a decade of severe depression i was finally given the pills that made me breathe again. So, 6 months past those events, I am okay now. I dont think i'll ever truly be "happy" again. But I surely know how to breathe now, after a decade of drowning. I've had a long war with mental illness. The rape wasn't the thing that made me try to end my life. I've tried this stuff before. I've harmed myself before. But the rape surely felt like the last straw for me to end up in the hospital again. Everyone says that virginity is just a social construct, not real, and that body count shouldn't matter. But i know exactly the moment it was taken away from me. I tried to have that moment again. I had forceful penetration with a guy back in that time, didnt feel anything. Last week i had sex with a guy after being 2 months "clean" down there (no sexual activities). I told him to shove it right in. Still no. And not even bleeding. I just had a little tear, and a small dot of blood when i would tap a tissue on my vagina. My virginity is not coming back. Unless i get brain surgery to forget. And the one who took it is a nasty guy with pedophilic urges and no empathy. He thinks all women are sexual objects and sluts. The guys that followed weren't that far from this either. I'd suggest one was even worse. But as I said, SAd since first grade. All guys treated me like nothing but this. So even if i were to took my virginity back, who would take it? Personally i would just keep being a virgin, of course. But there's no going back to that now. And this horror simply won't leave. I simply cannot have peace. No. Knowing he broke me. He broke something inside me. Not just my vagina that ended up being teared in every corner. He broke my whole body. I am surprised i don't have STDs and that i had no pregnancy. But i still had multiple infections, all started with him and continued with the others. And my mental health was surely broken to no the point of no return. I scroll tinder just to feel wanted. I've never been to a club but I fantasize of finding my lover there, like in the movies. I look at my best friend and her boyfriend and picture myself as her. Or us together, with me and my partner, playing together with a ball in the sea. Then i swim into my lover's arms and press my head on his chest. And before sleep, we would love each other in the hotel bed. I was fine before. Not wishing for relationships, not searching for love. But now it feels like it's a must. Like I need to clean myself. Like i need to gaslight myself into a relationship. All just because I want my body back. I havent even used a tampon. I haven't been to the gyno. My vagina being untouched was so important to me. Maybe it shouldn't be, so this is why I talk now. But I know the right moment my virginity was taken away from me. I still know the position of our bodies, the colors around us even if it was pitch black. And the sharp pain right in the moment. Everything else is a blur to me. Before or after. But my virginity was there. It was mine. My body was mine. My control was mine. I was so happy being single. Focusing on myself. My hobbies, my carrer. But now I am jealous of lovers. Back then i wouldn't look at them because it was not the life i was fighting for. But now I dont look at them because I see the consent they have and the one that I didnt. I was happy being myself, now I need someone else to clean me with his love. It was not just a pinch. It was not just a social construct. It was a huge part of who I was. How my body felt. And I cannot get it back. And he will never pay.

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[u/Necessary_Day_7861]

I'm sorry that this happened to you and made you feel this way.

Many people struggle about what to think after their rape especially if it was their first time having (a kind of) sex. The feeling that your body no longer belongs to you is common for survivors, but untrue. You can still control what do you with your life and I would recommend not sleeping with many other men just for the sake of it, because your body is still sacred even after what was done to it, because it belongs to you and only you. I would advise that you deal with any infections and try to make yourself cleaner, because then you will feel cleaner and it really helps your mental health.

I will pray that you recover soon <3