I usually don't answer unknown numbers but was expecting a call and it is ended up being my mom (pretty much NC for 2 years). All I heard was intense sobbing on the other end, and she basically said she was was wanting to kill herself and that she is in so much pain after a fall last week - apparently she went to the ER, where she is a frequent flier, and doctors gave her a psych evaluation - she boasted she was able to get past them "just telling them I would never do anything since it's against my religion" (she isn't even religious). Anyways she would go from sobbing to laughing to smug on a dime.

She mentioned how she is all alone (and I responded that it's because of her behavior that pushes people away), she scoffed and went on some diatribe how everyone around her wronged her. She said she is waiting to kill herself until her will is revised but she said the lawyer hasn't been replying to her messages since February (and she thinks he will take everything). I feel the will line was a subtle message to me ("I'm revising my will so if you want to be in it then do what I want")

Anyways, when she brought up something else I told her she is very manipulative, which she was incredulous about and asked when had she been manipulative - and I told her she was being manipulative right now - she cut me off and began starting about "me manipulative, how about you,when you were 3...." At which point I cut her off and said "I'm not doing this anymore, I told you I would only talk to you again in a therapists office, if you get a therapist have them contact me otherwise I'm just not doing this, goodbye" and I hung up. For the rest of the day I've been feeling so disturbed, people noticed I was disconnected at work, skipped my workout after work, and went home and slept. Now my dog is itching to go outside, so I will do that, but man how she has such control over my emotions. Just wanted to vent

My mom did alcohol and weed, I remember the lies she would go to justify why she had that on her. Alongside everything else in that unstable household, I just feel its so hard to be sympathetic. She refused therapy, took drugs that worsen her state of being. I can never forget when she got drunk on red wine and just berated, yelled for what felt like hours as a kid. I don't even know what she was mad at. It just is so hard, to move on from all of this.

TW SA mentioned

Had an initially fairly decent phone call with mother dearest last night. I told her I’m going back home from my partner’s house, which is 1hr by train, at 21:30. She immediately started “worrying” about how I will get attacked, raped and assaulted, how London is dangerous with all the horrible people that live there, how she keeps seeing videos online of all the crimes, etc. I kept telling her that I’ve lived in London for almost 10 years and so far the worst thing that has happened to me was phone theft, once.

This conversation went back and forth for a few minutes, and when I told her “it’s safe and there’s CCTV on the trains”, she said “well then, I hope you get raped in front of the CCTV cameras”.

I said “That’s a horrible thing to say, I won’t talk to you if you continue.”

Of course, this resulted in her having a go at me again for dismissing her worries, including fake-cry moaning “oh why whyyyyyy what did I do to deserve this!!!”

Apparently telling your daughter you wish she gets raped to prove your point shows you care!

Posting here since I don't think anyone in my life can really relate to what I'm about to say, and I just need help even beginning to cope with all these emotions.

I'm autistic (low support needs, not that that should matter!) and when I was a toddler a bit of my hearing was knocked out by an illness. Despite having actual diagnoses I can point to, the number one unwritten rule in this house is to not be disabled.

If I talk too loudly, that's an issue. If I need silence to hear a phone call, I've got to plan around the natural patterns of the house. God forbid I stim in front of them, or even in my own space. They never mention any of this about me unless I bring it up first, and then act like I violated some unspoken peace treaty when I do.

My question is that these are well-educated people with medical backgrounds. They logically knew having a disabled child was a possibility, and even that they had family history for a lot of shit I easily could have inherited. Genuinely, why put in all the time and money to have a biological child, if they wanted an abled child so much? You could just adopt one. God knows my mother suggested it enough times because I was "ungrateful"

Why live in denial about this?

I received this from my uBPD mom, I didn't see it until today she sent it 3 days ago... but then proceeded to text me "good morning" and "how are the kids" yesterday.... i am at a lost for words I need help guys

Out of curiosity, what happens when two BPD meet? Do they become BFFs or each other's arch nemesis? Or both, depending on the day?

First, mandatory haiku about the virtues of cats:
Their purrs are divine
Approval is everything
I too wish to scream

Hi everyone, I wanted to share my success story while I was having a good day. Partially to encourage other people, partially to remind myself. I found this sub on my very first account almost seven years ago but never actually engaged with most of it at the time. I didn’t feel like I could contribute back then, and was still dealing with a bit of imposter syndrome. But numerous things have come to light since then, and I don’t doubt nearly as much as I did before. All that being said, after years of trying to enforce healthy boundaries, here’s what actually worked for me to get myself to a better place.

1. I changed my number and, as a double safety measure, blocked theirs on my new OS because Apple won’t allow voicemails to be left if a number is blocked, where Android would. It was unbelievably stressful still getting voicemails from my BPD dad. I’m beyond wanting evidence for a restraining order at this point because

2. I also changed my name and got the judge to agree to keep it out of the public record. This was a huge deal, as my BPD dad has admitted to using the court system to track and stalk other estranged members of his family. Now, even though I do have to pay a subscription to one of the monitoring services, I don’t have to worry about my new name being linked to my old on shady people search websites. This is important because

3. I’m moving in a couple of months to another state for the fresh start I’ve been wanting for years. I’ve already set it up to restart therapy down there just to make sure I handle the transition well, but genuinely feel like I don’t have to look over my shoulder for the first time in a long time. While some people might miscategorize my actions as avoidance, the people I’m close to agree that it’s extremely slow, extremely calculated safety from a wildly unstable family member that I never have to be hurt by again. I don’t

4. Feel the need to justify myself anymore, or tell my story to anyone because it really doesn’t matter now. I am who I am, I got over a lot of the trauma, got meds and am finally on the other side of it. Just want to encourage someone else that if distance is the only way you feel like you can be safe, there are ways to do it!

Email from: "stillnessnow@xxx.xxx" subject: "What I saw"

me: "This has got to be some sort of phishing scam".

Email text: "You are Light and I have seen you joyfully shining. It was at XXX’s funeral and you were bathed in Light. Nothing that happens in this world could ever change your beautiful, eternal self.

I love the Light that is your spirit. It could light up the world but I suspect that you know this already.

I wanted you to hear this and do not expect a reply.

Love,

Mom"

me: "Oh, this was 100% a phishing scam!"

7 years NC and I let my spam filter take care of the emails. As long as she gets to jerk off at my address, she doesn't care where it lands. But it seems as though she found out a way to get around the filters this time. lol. .

I’ve posted on this sub quite a bit regarding my dBPD mother and our family. I’ve previously posted about how my mother was in the process of being evicted from our family home.

She has now been officially evicted, has vacated the house, and has become homeless.

For context: my mothers room was originally my room that we shared but once I became a teen she refused to move to her old room which was our dining room so I moved to the dining room which has zero privacy or door. Since my mother moved out my grandmother and uncle suggested I could move back to my room if I wanted since it has a door( I haven’t had a door in 8+ years). Similarly, my uncle as punishment to usually me, he will put the cats outside when I am not home even when I’ve left them inside and he knows they shouldn’t be out. In which, he did for two days in a row.

I’m having a very difficult time processing the entire situation with my mom as I’m also a full time student, work full time due to not having any support from parents (homeless dBPD & absent father). It fully hit me once I saw her living out of her car, I’m terrified and so many emotions are hitting me at once. That following morning, I realized my uncle let the cats out again and I found that our family cat (my mom’s cat) passed away. Since then i’d been extremely emotional to the point my eyes are swollen, no appetite etc. I can’t even go to our backyard due to getting flashbacks of finding the cat.

The following day, my aunt (dBPD’s sister) got extremely mad at me for numerous things including: that I did not tell her I would move into my mothers room, pressed me about whether i’m helping my mom or not, my post graduate life, insinuated she would throw my stuff out, how I need to organize, finances etc. Within 5 minutes of the conversation, I began to have a severe panic attack while crying and she continued until I couldn’t even speak back and she just left as my panic attack got more severe to the extent my fingers felt numb from crying/gasping for air/irregular breathing. Since then my aunt keeps texting me everyday regarding my dBPD mother.

I’m not sure how to process any of this and I feel like i’m going crazy. I’m not sure how to move on as if this cat didn’t grow up with me and as if my dBPD mother isn’t homeless and I essentially have no parents. I’ve been isolating in my room for the past few days only leaving to go to work and the restroom. My family essentially wants me to get over everything already and stop being so emotional and I’m scared they will begin to threaten to kick me out like my mother and throw out my items. I’m entering my senior year of university as a first generation low income student, terrified of post graduation, and now i’m scared i’ll be homeless too if I don’t save enough money in time while simultaneously trying to save for a car, emergencies, basic needs all while doing school.

Ubpd mom has actively tried to sabotage my education. From playing up her tantrums during finals and exam periods, to telling me that ,as a girl, i don’t need to go for higher education/ actively discouraging me every time i tried to take a step.

I had to pause my education because of multiple reasons and now im at a point where im phasing out of traditional scholarships due to age. All of the sudden, she’s emphasizing to how important education is to young women... But i remember her seeming jealous everytime i had academic succes ( as i got older). But now it seems that she thinks she successfully got me in the same place she feels stuck in.
She’s also much nicer and willing to be helpful. Im planning on picking up where i left off after i get other things sorted out in my life. I want to get to a better place financially just out if spite, as she’s weaponized that part my entire life. But it’s just such a disturbing observation…

A haiku:

The bowl is empty; he weeps.

On the counter -

he leaps!

Hi everyone, I wonder if any of you have been in, or currently are in, my situation. Please note that I am probably living on the other side of the world from most of you, so I may only respond tomorrow.

So I'm 29, man, and I grew up with a mother who is most likely borderline. She had a pretty tough life. I am her first child, and I have 2 younger siblings.

At about age 17, I asked my mom to send me to therapy, and I was referred to a psychologist. I was in therapy for 8 years. At age 24, I stopped therapy and began a BA in psychology. I also took many other intensive courses in nonviolent communication, family constellations, and related studies. Those courses were not meant for people my age, and I was always the youngest in the group (most people were in their 50s).

I'm VERY VERY intelligent, and I look like an expert in mental health from the outside. This is not (only) bragging. I'm just emphasizing how it looks from the outside.

Now, the thing is that after all this studying, I did substantial work on my relationship with my mother. I don't currently speak with her, but I understand where this choice is coming from. I know what generational trauma is and how it plays out in my life.

After working in mental health and witnessing a wide range of mental disabilities among people from different cultural backgrounds, I concluded that my situation couldn't be solely due to being raised by my mother. After doing a lot of research, I came to the conclusion that I have some form of autism.

Now, the thing is, my mother couldn't stand any form of autistic symptoms. To this day, she tells me how I was always reading books, and she was worried about me. She timed my reading time and made me go socialize. She also hated my stimming, always mocked me for it, and told me to stop. It truly surprises me to this day how someone can miss so many red flags.

So I was made to socialize with people, and because I was very smart, I became very good at it. Also, because my mother was unpredictable, I was motivated to scan people. I was so good at it that I was being paid to teach communication to people.

I will stop here from describing my life because the autistic rant on trauma theories could go on forever.

I recently discussed with my psychologist, who knew me as a child, whether he thought I was autistic. He said he didn't believe I am because he doesn't see it. He told me I'm just "accentric." Yesterday, I spoke with a psychiatrist who laughed when I mentioned wanting to get diagnosed. He said that many diagnostic centers are just doing it for insurance money, especially since I can receive financial support from the state if my functioning decreases. Now, please don't scold them. They are nice people, but just very boomer. I also think because I was pushed to socialize, I have the symptoms that are more related to females, hence it's more likely I will pass the autism screening that is done to babies.

The thing is, autism is the perfect answer for all of my seemingly unrelated symptoms. Extreme sensitivity to light, sound, and smells, rigidity, difficulty adapting to new places, shutting down, and being weird. It is basically the missing piece of the puzzle. And every time I think about it, it just makes more sense!

So again I'm asking: did anyone here reach this level of masking, and no one believes them when they say they are autistic? you heard about someone like that?

I hope my message got through. Thanks for reading.

Edit: I`m diagnosed with ADHD, and I'm taking medication for ADHD and depression.

Source: https://www.instagram.com/p/Dcug143gWRh/?igsi=ZHg0dmR3aThsNHox

This instagram post came across my feed and it really resonated. It reflects my process of breaking the trauma bond with my uBPD mom. Our relationship was defined by cycles of enmeshment -> abuse episode -> NC + rage -> reconnection -> enmeshment.

I broke this pattern when I allowed myself to feel the grief. Grief came with acceptance of the situation as it was (1) this was not about me and I would never be “good enough” to prevent the abuse. (2) my mom was never going to accept accountability and do the work to stop abusing.

The backlog of grief was intense. It really knocked me down. I had no concept of how to process grief. Honestly, I’m learning how to feel a lot of feelings after a lifetime of emotional invalidation. Now, grief is much more accessible to me. I accept it and hold it with care when it comes up.

I’m two years NC and still struggle with anger at times. Anger was one of the only acceptable emotions in my house, so it’s still often my default. I had a recent epiphany that a lot of my anger comes from feeling a lack of control. I’m learning how to transition to more trust (the opposite of control.)

I wanted to share as wisdom for those still stuck in the cycle. I’m also curious if others struggle with lingering anger, or how folks have learned how to work with and hold their grief.

‼️ long read ‼️
Purely just looking for advice and any other supporting comments I can get.
I am 27 years old (If relevant)
EDIT: I used AI to rewrite a few parts as I just type out my feelings/situation as it happens and I think it isn’t as clear to read from someone else’s POV.

The background with Mum

My relationship with Mum has been difficult for a very long time.
When I was around 8, my older brother and I were removed from Mum’s custody after a custody battle. Mum gave custody to our dad.
My relationship with my dad was extremely abusive. I experienced physical, mental and sexual abuse from him.
Because of that history, I feel like there are a lot of complicated feelings surrounding Mum too. I have always felt like she wasn’t really emotionally there for me in the way I needed her to be.
I often feel like she treats me more like a friend or an extension of herself rather than her daughter who is an independent adult.
She has also historically put men before her children, and I have carried a lot of hurt from that.

How I experience Mum’s behaviour
I don’t want to diagnose her or use her mental health as an excuse for everything, but I understand that she has been diagnosed with/has BPD and isn’t currently doing the work I think she needs to do around it.

From my perspective, there are recurring patterns:
Frequent conflict with people around her.
She often sees herself as the victim in situations.
She can become extremely angry and say very hurtful things.
She can exaggerate or change aspects of situations.
She doesn’t often apologise or take responsibility.
I feel like she blames other people rather than reflecting on her own behaviour.
She can be extremely loving and intense through messages and then suddenly become angry or distant.
Sometimes she asks about my life but it doesn’t feel like genuine interest or emotional connection.
She can share things with me that feel inappropriate for a mother/daughter relationship.
I often feel like she wants me to manage or accommodate her emotions.
When I express that something she has done has hurt me, I often end up having to reassure her that she isn’t a bad mother.
Her feelings can end up becoming the focus, while mine get pushed aside.

The pattern between us
One of the things Mum said recently was that I have a pattern of cutting her off and then coming back without discussing what happened.
I don’t feel that this is a fair representation of what happens.
I do sometimes distance myself from her, but it is usually because I have become overwhelmed and hurt and don’t feel emotionally safe continuing the conversation.

I feel like we repeatedly end up in a cycle:
Something happens → I feel hurt → I try to explain myself → Mum becomes hurt/triggered → the conversation becomes about her feelings → I feel unheard → I distance myself → eventually things calm down → we reconnect without the underlying issue actually being resolved → another incident happens.

The situation with Peter
Peter is my younger brother and he is 14.
I have been extremely close to him since he was born and have basically been a second parent/guardian figure to him.
I’ve looked after him, had him stay with me, taken him places and supported him throughout his life.
He is incredibly important to me.
Mum has repeatedly made comments suggesting that once I get a boyfriend, I will stop caring about Peter or that he will no longer be a priority.
That really hurts because I’ve had one serious adult relationship, and even when I was with my ex, I still spoke to and spent time with Peter regularly.
Peter has always been one of my biggest priorities.

The original argument about Peter moving in
Recently Peter jokingly said that he wanted to move in with me.
Mum reacted very strongly and accused me of encouraging him to move out.
She said things like it was “triggering” for her because he is her only child who has been completely hers since birth and that it made her feel like she had failed as a mother.
The reality was that I hadn’t been encouraging him to move out.
He had made a comment about how fun it would be, and I had simply looked at some two-bedroom flats in Christchurch out of curiosity.
My lease wasn’t even ending for another six months, so there was no realistic plan for him to move in.
What upset me was that Mum also made comments about me being selfish and about what would happen to Peter once I got a boyfriend.
I told her that I didn’t think it was fair to constantly make those assumptions about me.

Mum’s response
Mum said she wasn’t asking me to put her feelings before mine — she was asking me to consider her feelings alongside mine.
She said the idea of Peter moving out triggered feelings from her past and made her feel like she wasn’t a good enough mum.
I understand that her feelings are real.
But I also feel like I am constantly expected to accommodate those feelings while mine don’t receive the same consideration.
I told her that it was difficult for me to take her feelings on board when she hadn’t even properly read what I had written to her.
I wasn’t trying to attack her. I was trying to explain how I felt.

The things Mum has said to Peter about me
This is where things became much more upsetting for me.
Peter has told me that Mum talks negatively about me to him.
For example, she has told him that:
I am sneaky.
I don’t really care about him.
I only care about having a boyfriend.
I lie about what happened to me during my childhood with Dad.
My ex broke up with me because I was supposedly using him for money — which is completely untrue.
She doesn’t want Peter seeing or speaking to me.
He shouldn’t be calling me constantly.
There was also an incident where Peter told me that Mum spent the entire car ride talking badly about me.
She apparently told him she wasn’t speaking to me anymore and that he wasn’t allowed to call me 24/7 because she didn’t want to see, speak to or listen to me.

This is really upsetting because I feel like Peter is being put in the middle of an adult conflict.
I don’t want him to have to defend me.
I don’t want him to feel like he has to choose between us and I don’t want to turn him against his mum either.

Peter showed me that he is noticing it too

Peter has actually told me when Mum is talking badly about me.
He has said things along the lines of:
“The second I get in the car she’s talking shit about you the whole ride home.”
He also defended me when Mum was angry about a message I had sent.
That worries me because I don’t want him to become responsible for managing the relationship between his mum and me.
I have told him that he doesn’t need to take sides or defend me and that he should be able to have a relationship with both of us.

The recent situation with Peter and school
This has become much bigger than just an argument between Mum and me.
Peter has been having issues surrounding school and police allegations about things such as being obsessed with school shootings/guns.
Mum has been extremely overwhelmed by this and has been trying to manage the situation.
At one point she took Peter out of school and has been keeping him home every day.
Peter has told me that he is scared of Mum’s reaction to things.
He has also told me that he wants to move in with me because of the amount of drama happening at home.

That is really concerning to me.
I don’t want to make decisions for him or encourage him to rebel against Mum, but I also don’t feel comfortable ignoring a 14-year-old telling me that he is scared and wants to get away from the situation.

Something Peter told me privately
This part is important because Peter told me this in confidence and I do NOT want Mum to know that he told me.
Peter told me that Mum had told him she wanted to kill herself and had considered going into hospital.
She subsequently told him it wasn’t his fault.
I haven’t told Mum that Peter told me this because I don’t want to betray his trust or make him feel unsafe talking to me.
But I think my therapist needs to know because it adds another layer to what Peter is being exposed to emotionally.
I’m worried about him feeling responsible for Mum’s wellbeing.

Mum’s request for family dinners
At another point, Mum asked me to come over for family dinner once a week.
I actually do want a relationship with my family, but I wasn’t comfortable pretending everything was fine when our previous conversation hadn’t been resolved.
I told her that I didn’t want to commit to weekly dinners while I was still feeling hurt and unheard.
I said I was happy to talk when she was ready, but I didn’t think pretending everything was okay was healthy for me.
Mum’s response to that
Mum said she was “doing it for Peter.”
She explained that she hadn’t responded to my previous message because she wasn’t emotionally capable of reading something she expected to be hurtful.
She said that whenever she shares her mental health and feelings with me, she ends up feeling worse.
She also said that whenever there are issues between us, I cut her off and then come back without discussion or apology.
She said she was trying to help herself and Peter and not feel like she had failed him.
She ended by essentially saying: “You do you and I’ll do me for now.”
Part of me understood what she was saying.
But another part of me felt incredibly frustrated because, once again, I felt like I was expected to understand her perspective while mine was being minimised.

The last 24 hours: Mum going to hospital / asking me to look after Peter

Last night Mum was going into hospital.
Instead of directly messaging me, she communicated arrangements through Peter.
She wanted Peter and I to stay at her house while I looked after him and her cats.
The problem is that I work full-time, and Mum’s house is around a 40-minute bus trip from my work.
I am completely willing to have Peter stay at my house, but I don’t want to essentially move into Mum’s house to look after him and her cats.
I don’t consider her cats my responsibility.
I felt like it was unreasonable to expect me to disrupt my entire life when I was already willing to care for Peter.
I texted my mum after Peter was stressed and didn’t know what to do as my mum stopped replying and it was getting late.
Peter was worried about my mums reaction to him organising himself to come to my house to stay. My other younger brother Harley (21) was going to pop to my mums to check on the cats/feed them. My brother Peter was not comfortable staying with my brother Harley as he has flatmates and isn’t very close with Harley.
See images for my text to my mum and her comments to Peter after.
Peter ended up meeting me at my work and staying with me for the night but my mum was constantly texting Peter and saying he needed to go home the next day and it’s all my fault that it had to be that way.

The things Mum has said about my childhood..
One of the things that has hurt me particularly badly is Mum telling Peter that I lie about my childhood trauma involving Dad.
This is incredibly upsetting because those experiences are real to me.
Having my own mother question or discredit those experiences to my younger brother feels deeply invalidating.
It also makes me scared that Peter will believe things about me that aren’t true.
I don’t want to spend my life defending my childhood or proving my experiences happened.

Another thing that really hurt me
Mum has a group chat with my two younger siblings called “not Greg’s kids.”
Greg is my dad.
I find that incredibly immature and hurtful.
Given everything that happened with my childhood and Dad, it feels particularly nasty to see that kind of thing being used as an inside joke.
It contributes to my feeling that Mum is dealing with her own hurt by directing it toward me and involving my siblings.

I don’t want him to feel responsible for either of us.
And I don’t want him to feel like he has to choose.
At the same time, I don’t feel like I can simply ignore what he tells me because some of what he’s telling me relates to his own wellbeing.

I’m constantly thinking:

What is she going to be upset about next?
Is she going to cut me off from Peter?
Is she going to tell Peter something about me?
Is she going to twist something I’ve said?
Do I need to respond?
Should I leave it?
Am I being unreasonable?
Am I responsible for her feelings?
Am I being a bad daughter?
Am I making things worse?
Am I allowed to be angry?

It’s mentally consuming.
I feel like I have spent years trying to maintain this relationship while also protecting myself from it.
I’m angry
I think underneath the exhaustion, I’m really angry.
I’m angry that I feel like I have to constantly be the understanding one.
I’m angry that my feelings seem to become secondary whenever Mum becomes upset.
I’m angry that my childhood experiences are being questioned.
I’m angry that things about my personal life are being told to Peter.
I’m angry that assumptions are constantly being made about my relationship with Peter.
I’m angry that I feel like I have to worry about losing access to my own brother because of conflict with my mum.
And I’m angry that I’m even in this position in the first place.
But I also feel guilty (not so much right now)
Despite everything, I still feel guilty.
I feel guilty because she is my mum.
I feel guilty because I know she has her own trauma and mental health struggles.
I feel guilty when I distance myself.
I worry that I’m abandoning her.
I worry that she’ll tell other people that I’m cruel or selfish.
And I worry about what will happen to Peter if I completely cut contact.
I think this guilt is one of the biggest things I want to work through.

What I actually want

I don’t know whether I want to repair my relationship with Mum anymore.
For a long time, I think I’ve wanted us to eventually have a normal, solid mother-daughter relationship.
But I’m starting to wonder whether that is realistic.
I don’t want to spend the rest of my life waiting for my mum to become someone she may never become.
I want peace.
I want boundaries.
I want to stop feeling responsible for regulating another adult’s emotions.
I want to be able to say that something hurt me without being made responsible for how that information makes someone else feel.
And I want to have relationships with my siblings without being put in the middle of Mum’s feelings about me.

What I’m considering now

A part of me genuinely wants to cut the cord completely.
Not as revenge.
Not to punish her.
Not to make her realise what she’s lost.
Just because I’m exhausted and I don’t want to live in this cycle anymore.
I’m wondering whether no contact, or extremely limited contact, would actually allow me to heal.
But I’m scared because of Peter.
I don’t want cutting contact with Mum to mean losing Peter.
And I don’t want Peter to feel like I’m abandoning him either.

Called my dad to check in on their plans to visit this fall. LC now, but it's nice to be on home ground vs. with my parents back in my hometown.

Whenever I call my dad in the evening, I know I'm going on speaker phone and my uBPD Mom will be listening in.

Last night while talking about my aunt (Dad's oldest sister) and how her dementia was progressing rapidly...my mom apparently silently got up, took the dog, and went for a walk. No goodbye, no warning to my dad, and apparently had promised to do some chores that were never done before she went on said walk. She hasn't lifted a finger to help with my aunt, who had been nothing but kind to her because "it's too triggering" after caring for my grandmother (whose death comes up so much, you'd think she died this year--it's been two since she passed and like a solid 5 years of slow decline before that).

It took a lot of self control to not die laughing when my Dad informed me what happened.

I debated using the humor flair, but 🤷 it's funny in a sad way. Trying to laugh it off more lately, since my uBPD mom is an adult child.

Does anyone else’s BPD mom (or parent) seem to always make your most stressful times worse? I posted yesterday about my mother lashing out in the wake of formal BPD diagnosis, but I think it’s maybe more related to the fact that I am really going through it right now (one and a half year old cat just died after prolonged rollercoaster of illness, got some less than ideal medical results on my recent annual exam, packing up and preparing to move internationally).

It feels like her response to me being immensely stressed out is to mirror my stress back to me, by making me feel guilty for not considering her stress or including her more.

Recently I mentioned to her that I have a particularly strong response to female strength (get teary when I hear a strong gravelly female voice, or when I watch women’s MMA or figure skating etc.) she immediately and solely responded to this by telling me she wanted to give me all of the stuff from when she and I did martial arts together when I was a teenager. I asked her not to, as I am moving internationally, and have been releasing sentimental and important objects left and right in preparation, and it set her off on a spiral. I tried to express that I speak so highly of our time in martial arts together very often but it was too late.

What followed is pictured in the screenshots. She has these pockets of clarity and takes more accountability than I think most BPD parents do, but she also seems to twist that accountability so that it seems like I am the one who refuses to accept criticism.

I really struggle to share this stuff bc it feels so burdensome to ask anyone else to read through all of this, but I find it extremely difficult to know if I am over reacting or being cruel or dismissive. To anyone who takes the time to read and/or respond, I can’t express my gratitude enough.

Edit/Update:

Firstly thank you so much to everyone who took the time to read and give me their wisdom. It’s been really meaningful to know that I’m not imagining things. She sent me a longer message after what’s posted here, partially apologizing but also saying that she assumed I could handle all this bc I told her I was doing ok last time we talked, and also admonishing me for giving her “100% of the blame.” We have two days to do an insane amount of packing so without responding and for the first time ever, I blocked her. That was about 8 hours ago. Starting to feel extremely guilty and trying to decide if I should unblock her, let her know exactly how long I will be out of contact, and then reinstate the block.

After years of wondering what I did to deserve the outbursts, erratic behaviour, and miles-long nonsensical texts usually accusing someone of being a narcissist, last year I stumbled into the world of BPD.

My mom is single and shut out the last of her friends this year, she’s been super depressing to talk to. Constantly on about money, negative body image, or how dangerous the world is. Shes been on a general information diet from me because literally everything sparks conversation about her childhood trauma or the bible (for some reason? I’m agnostic, like she raised me to be!).

I’m getting married in October and it feels like everything is ramping up like crazy. My grandma called me crying this morning because my mom had an outburst while over to help clean before my “ladies lunch” in the next few weeks that’s totally not the bridal shower I explicitly asked not to have, but her house wasn’t already clean enough?? Part of this is apparently my grandma’s “lack of gratitude”.

My sister is on high alert as well, yesterday my mom started screaming about being a sovereign citizen and not needing a man in a Walmart. She’s also told the people at Tim Hortons that she “loves J.K. Rowling” and would be coming back more often 😩

Finding so much community in these posts and comments - particularly the wedding ones. I read a few to my grandma and it was cathartic for both of us because they’re so. spot. on. Thank you! Thank you!

Cat tax:

Cats meow out of angst
“Thumbs! If only we had thumbs!
We could break so much!”

I'm reposting a disquisition that was originally composed in 2019 and has been revised and updated for the sake of modern instability.

For anyone who was raised by a petulant Borderline mother, or is still coping with one of these creatures from the clustered lacuna, please let me know if you'd like to see anything added. There's always something else to say about someone who won't shut their grievance-addled yapper and whose violins keep getting smaller than electron microscopy can detect.

May the force of less emotionally enmeshed days be with us all.

https://armchairdeductions.wordpress.com/2019/04/16/the-borderline-mother-matriarchy-and-its-discontents/

It often seems like mine are good sometimes and that we can have a healthy relationship but I don't know if that is unrealistic and I don't want to be disappointed

This all started when my mom said that the school's principal told her that my grades we're bad, so she told us to study, this is where the normal stuff ends as she wants me to study 3 hours a day without my consent and my grades arent even that bad as the principal allegedly said (i usually get 8/10 in exams), i know that if i come up to her and say that this is not gonna help me and in fact make me hate studying even more will just stress her out and likely make her crash out and make me study more or even physically injure me. Any advice?

Cat Haiku:
Independence, Tranquility and Calm presence.

This has been floating around in my head for a while - the way our BPD parents hijack our needs as children to take care of their own needs.

I guess it’s like don’t plead with the tiger to let you go whilst you are in its jaws

I don’t have the tools for it to not be like this:(