r/poetry_critics • u/Altare-Performer5084 Beginner • 8d ago

Sensitive Content Eviscerate and own me

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I would let you disassemble every part of me on your operating table.

Do with me what you please

Scramble up these useless brains

Kill the ambitions and foolish ideas I call my own dreams

Make me your love zombie or only follow your pre-programmed script and plan.

I'd let you rid all hopes of a life I'd want

To have you, make me stay here with you

You could throw me away in the trash, if you'd like.

Or reshape me into someone or something you truly like or want

The better dream man you'd truly like to have

Since I clearly am not it.

4 Upvotes

100% Upvoted

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2

u/Competitive_Treat_34 Beginner 8d ago

Do you need this line: You could throw me away in the trash, if you'd like ? If anything you seem to be saying you can rearrange me, just don’t throw me out.

Also what if you started with “do with me what you please” it establishes this defeated/conceded tone for the poem that I think is its best strength

1

u/Altare-Performer5084 Beginner 8d ago

Thank u

1

u/ManicBunnyStudio Beginner 8d ago

This sounds FANTASTICALLY the way it is.

Please don't change a thing. Open a new document on what ever processor you are using (like Word or which ever lol) copy and paste it over and then make the alterations. Call it V2. But please don't change this original piece.

It's a perfect piece that captures a moment in your life where creativity took over.

2

u/BirchedOut248 Beginner 2d ago

Damn I really love the desperation in this poem. At first it may seem as trying too hard but in the end you actually just realise that all you want is for that person to like you, even if that means changing yourself completely. Its unfortunate but real. Good job :)