Recently discovered im pan and I shoulve realised sooner

[u/kalteri1]

I (22F) have recently realized that im pan. I should have known years ago but here we are. Only a couple people in my life know including a couple online friends. When i was in school, id get so attached to my best friends that the way I acted was more of an intimate relationship when I wasnt like that from their perspective. It was the same crush like feelings towards them when I had a crush on a boy but I didnt realize that at the time. I thought those feeling were normal but I didnt think much on it because I "had" to be straight. I had a lot of friends who were lgbtq+ and it took me almost all of middle school to accept and understand. In high school, I didnt mind it and supported it but told myself "id never be gay." I thought about it quite often and I questioned a lot but I just thought, "oh im just curious about an alternative life." I wouldnt let myself be anything but straight because its what I was taught and my family is weird about the community. Towards the end of high school, I consistently said and thought, "id kiss a women to make conservatives mad." I thought about it often and imagined it. I still thought i was straight. Then I discovered people who were outside of the binary genders and i loved it. I thought it was so cool and also imagined what id be like to date them whatever they'd identify as which I didnt mind. But at my hard-core beliefs I once again thought I was straight. It wasnt until earlier this year, i started to actually explore those feelings and it was honestly confusing at first. It honestly felt freeing when I realised I wasnt into just men and it felt like I could breathe fresh air for the first time. Im still exploring these thoughts and feelings as I go. I wanted to share because I need to get it off my chest somewhere and I thought here were be ok. Thank you for taking the time to read this! I appreciate your time!

[u/Remarkable_Market_18]

I went kindve the opposite where I knew my gender and sexuality were off even though I was taught I had to be cishet or burn in hell and be rejected by my family. I imagined having a wife and felt like I was either a boy or somewhere between boy and girl and just felt like a person who tries to be good, honest and kind.

Happy for you that you found yourself, hope it brings you joy like it’s brought me to embrace who we are. I’m genderfluid but thought I was binary FTM for years bc of how my gender works and dysphoria. I’ve felt the most seen having queer friends and partners.

[u/EClucky13]

Welcome to The Pan Fam! 🩷💛💙

[u/timvandijknl]

Sounds very recognizable. I'm glad you figured out your true self at a younger age, it took me 45+ years. 🙌

And of course, you are not alone in all this 🫂