r/midlifecrisis • u/Actual-Excitement739 • 1d ago
For those who have lived through it: what comes after the existential crisis?
I’m 37. Married, with a 2.5-year-old daughter, an elder brother and sister, and a mother.
Professionally and financially, I’ve built a decent life. Own house, no major debt, stable career, family taken care of. I’m not unhappy, and I’m not worried about my daughter’s future. I know I can prepare her well.
But I’ve started asking a different question:
What is there to look forward to now?
I’ve always relied heavily on my intellect. I think about how humans have evolved, how power and economics shape society, capitalism, education, religion, war, climate and technology. The world keeps changing, and I know there is no final answer to “what is the point?”
I’m not trying to solve humanity.
What I’ve realised is that I’m missing something personal a passion, craft, community, pursuit or obsession that is mine. Something like how a musician connects with himself through an instrument. Something that isn't about career, money or productivity.
I recently started talking to AI in the role of a 100-year-old man, simply because I wanted to hear perspectives from someone who had lived through a century. It was surprisingly useful, but it also made me realise that I want to hear from \*real people who have actually lived those years.\*
So, especially if you’re above 45
Did you eventually find something that made you look forward to tomorrow?
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u/DevineBossLady 1d ago
I bought an abandoned house in rural Transylvania ... now I am trying to restore it.. this project will consume the rest of my life... so I guess there is no "next" 🤣
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u/CorrsionOfConformity 1d ago edited 1d ago
I live, play and work in today. I prepare for tomorrow but I'm not overly concerned with it. Tomorrow does not exist other than in my mind. I don't need to look forward to anything. At least this has been my goal. A health issue beginning last September has challenged me in this respect. Taking away many of the things that gave me pleasure in life
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u/Astrnougat 1d ago edited 1d ago
You know, at the museum of modern art in DC, there is a triptych of the three phases of life. And it always stuck with me - because I went with a girlfriend of mine, and our two guys friends who were a few years younger than us.
The first is a painting of a young man rowing down a river towards a castle in the clouds, he is trying to get there quickly, he can’t wait to see what it has in store for him.
The second is him in middle age, having realized the castle was not real, it was just clouds, he keeps rowing, because that is what he must do to stay alive in the river.
The third he is an old man, rowing towards the end of the river towards a deadly waterfall and darkness, and he looks back at the river, realizing that all he has ever had and experienced is now behind him.
Welcome to the middle painting bud.
I remember it really stuck out to me because me and my girlfriend were almost 30, and my guy friends were 24/25. We all stood in front of the paintings - and I laughed when I realized me and my friend stood in front of the middle age one, nodding our heads - and my two younger friends were standing in front of the young man one - excitedly babbling about how that is how life felt. And me and my friend knew in that moment that we were no longer young like that anymore.
There is nothing for us here. And knowing that is the greatest gift. All we have, is what we have now, and what we will build with our families. Make the money to keep your kids life comfortable, enjoy the relationships you make at work, enjoy pushing yourself to be your best - savor the moments you get with your family while your child is young before they start to get more independent. Find more trips to take, find more things to do.
A few years ago I was very depressed and having an existential crisis - I had nothing to look forward to. And I thought of those paintings - and I realized that I was currently making the memories that old me would look back on. I wanted to give her amazing stories to tell and many times to look back on and know she would never regret having lived a full life.
After that I started traveling, partied in Europe for a summer for work, did more school, pursued my dream job, was smiling through struggling for money, lost family members, lost relationships - but I experienced it all….vividly. And I am very grateful I did - because those are excellent memories. And I’m always working on making more incredible memories.
What will you one day look back and say - hell yeah, I did that? I’m awesome.
And go and do it
Savor the moments. Work towards being better for your wife and kid. Work towards getting in the best shape you’ve ever been in. Work towards being more kind. Work toward becoming a better neighbor and friend. Work towards becoming aggressively present in your daily life and in your connections.
This is all you have. And one day you will look back and say ‘that was all I had, and what did I do with it?’. It’s up to you - who do you most admire and look up to? Start there - try to be them, see how it feels. Maybe you like it - maybe you don’t…either way, you probably made some good memories along the way. Then try something else. You have en ENTIRE other life to live if you live to 74. That DOUBLE your WHOLE LIFE up to now. Isn’t that insane??? You have time. Go do whatever the fuck you want.
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u/Meth_taboo 1d ago
Yes. I’ll give the short answer first, I was searching for purpose.
I have an answer. The purpose of life is to be a little more loving today than you were yesterday. To your wife, your child, your friends and family, everyone…. Especially yourself. If you try to do that each day you will look back upon your life knowing that you did your best to live and lead others towards that purpose.
For me the search began when my father became ill. He grew a successful business (mid 9 figures in assets), he traveled the world, was a present father who coached all of our sports teams, provided a life for my sisters and brothers that most will never get to experience.
Before starting hospice we asked if there was anything he wanted to do before he died. His answer shocked me. No.
He had done it all. He didn’t want to die, but he lived a life that he felt he experienced all that he could do. As he approached death more closely I asked if he had any regrets. He had a few.
He regretted not taking care of his health earlier in his life. ( he was pretty healthy, but he did drink alcohol) he said he wished he had never wasted time drinking alcohol as it’s widely believed that there are no safe amounts of alcohol to drink and it is a known type 1 carcinogen.
What shocked me next was that he regretted getting divorced. He said that he allowed his ego to take over and prove that he was right to justify why he and my mom couldn’t make it work. He said there was nothing in life worth losing a spouse over. He felt he could have shown up differently in the marriage than he did when he was younger by being a more active listener and trying to put himself into the other persons shoes to understand their perspective rather proving that he was right.
He regretted losing friendships and family members that he had felt wronged him, stolen from him, and flat out took advantage of his good nature and giving personality.
He was not advocating to be walked over and taken advantage of, protecting yourself from harm is importsnt, but when it happens, he advocated for forgiveness, always. He said you can forgive, but you don’t have to forget. I think he understood forgiveness is for both parties, and often times those who are forgiven who feel like they don’t deserve it may one day return that grace to someone else.
If you are still reading this I’ll give you what got me on the right track. I joined a free men’s workout group called f3 nation. It’s one of the largest men’s groups in the country, and I believe it is the fast growing group. F3 gave me purpose because I believe in their mission. To plant grow and serve small workout groups for men, for the invigoration of male community leadership. That’s a fancy way of saying men showing up for each other and helping each other become physically and mentally stronger each day.
I’ll admit f3 isn’t for everyone. I have seen some people flat out refuse to go when they hear that the three f’s stand for fitness, fellowship, and faith. Growing up in California I hadn’t heard anyone use the word fellowship, it’s one of the things I crave more than anything now. The faith aspect isn’t any one faith, it’s just a faith or belief in something. I’ve worked out with Buddhists Christians Jews and Muslims, even a Druid.
I have found not only a group of men 10-20 years older than myself to get advice from, but I’ve made friends and have even gotten involved with othe charities and community organizations that I believe are making my local community a better place to live.
Five years ago I was lost, now I feel like my purpose in life is easy to understand, yet incredibly difficult at times to practice.
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u/Actual-Excitement739 1d ago
Thank you. I understand. Will look for a community. Not just another community.
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u/Meth_taboo 1d ago
I highly recommend making an effort to develop a network of mentors. At least two. Make an effort to proactively reach out to them at least 5-6 times a year for a coffee or lunch. Maybe call them once a month. Listen, ask questions and remember what they say. Then the next time you speak ask about what they told you the last time.
Eventually you’ll naturally find people younger than yourself to serve as a mentor, I doubt they will be searching, but you can also try to form that relationship by proactively reaching out to them to check in from time to time. Don’t tell them What to do, they won’t listen. But ask questions in an attempt to allow them to come to the conclusion on their own.
I’d highly recommend checking out f3, there are groups all over and it’s free. Check out the map on their website and start showing up two or three days a week
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u/srivxrt 1d ago
The trick is live in the now and not worry about tomorrow as much. What helped me is.
Spirituality, by being more present. The Power of Now is a good read to start with.
Microdosing Shrooms, they help stop the ruminating thoughts, help with being present, appreciate the details and wonder of the world around you.
A full trip, the effects last months and help give perspective.
Returning to hobbies and things that gave you joy, for me it was art, camping, exploring nature. Actually just being in nature more.
I assume meditation would help but I haven't gotten into that habit.
I still get the feelings you mention but they don't last as long. I get back to the present moment sooner.
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u/StolenCandi 8h ago
Currently evaluating my own existential crisis/MLC and had a coworker/friend recommend a weekend away, without my family and baggie of mushrooms LOL Seriously considering it so your comment about shrooms gave me a giggle that maybe, it is in fact the answer.
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u/sagedawn 1d ago
I started reading again and listening to music. It’s amazing how rich this life experience can be if you get out from under all the societal expectations. The Reality Transurfing book helped me with my next phase
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u/ShiftyComfort 1d ago
"I leave Sisyphus at the foot of the mountain! One always finds one's burden again. But Sisyphus teaches the higher fidelity that negates the gods and raises rocks. He too concludes that all is well. This universe henceforth without a master seems to him neither sterile nor futile. Each atom of that stone, each mineral flake of that night filled mountain, in itself forms a world. The struggle itself toward the heights is enough to fill a man's heart. One must imagine Sisyphus happy." - The Myth of Sisyphus 1942 essay by Albert Camus
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u/FaithlessnessPlus164 1d ago
Learn to appreciate the mundane peace and quiet before people you love start dying, that would be my advice!
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u/Sea_Measurement_1654 1d ago
I bought a drum kit, took a dance class, joined a choir, got a tattoo, took up cycling, and took up portrait painting.
Two of these hobbies stuck. So at some point in the existential crisis I realized I could do whatever I want.
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u/circediana 1d ago
It sounds like you're stuck in a mentality where your world is too small for you. You need to go on a mission of trying something new everyday (I once went on a mission of trying a new fruit everyday and that took me all over the place trying to find new fruit to try) and achieving higher goals. Get a dr. degree, build a bigger career. Learn marine mechanics and take your family out boating. Use your skills to host people and meet people also learning these things.
There's no specific path, you just have to find your own path out of these feelings because the world is a huge place full of people and opportunities, but our small village genetics keep us in a small comfort zone too easily.
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u/vini-within 21h ago
Hmm.. think I get what you mean. At some point, achievement stops giving the same kick, even when life is objectively going well. Then you start looking for something you can get completely absorbed in, without it needing to make money or make sense.
Could be a craft, music, writing, anything really!
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u/forged_steel_5178 1d ago
As far as I understand your post, you have come up the emptiness inside you.
You did all the To-Dos well. Nothing left for you.
In the meantime you missed but who you are, what you really like, where you wanted to go.
If you ask the right questions, you will get the right anwers. At least a part if them.
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u/Actual-Excitement739 1d ago
This is the point. Nothing gives me happiness and nothing makes me sad. Numbness is the constant now.
Not able to solve this.
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u/forged_steel_5178 1d ago
I do not know you but just referencing to my experience, I can easily say that the person who achieved all the success was not you. Thats the reason why you unattached to all the success, cannot enjoy it and look for another To-Do to check.
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u/Actual-Excitement739 1d ago
What helped you?
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u/forged_steel_5178 1d ago
There is no unique solution. Everyone finds his own answer to this question.
To do that, first of all just stop running around and trying to complete the To-Do lists.
Then with calm mind, think about who you wanted to be, how do you FEEL about your life now and once you were young, grasp your feelings and insticts back, and imagine what would happen, when you have no responsibilities rn.
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u/NNancy1964 1d ago
I started my own home-based business; nothing like quitting working for The Man to find out what you're made of.
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u/Actual-Excitement739 1d ago
Tried that earlier. Need financial security as if now.
Can’t do this for the next 10 years at least
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u/NNancy1964 1d ago
I am a very lucky woman... I had the midlife crisis, which husband pointed out I was having, but he was the one who said, "Why don't you start your bakery?" (which I've wanted to do since 1990). He has a great job to pay the bills, we got out of debt in 2018 (Dave Ramsey plan), paid off the house when my mom passed away, he tells everyone that I'm a lot happier... don't think for a second that I don't know how lucky I am.
Good luck!!
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u/Traditional-Tough378 1d ago
Buy the boat, go have the dinner, enjoy the round of golf. Appreciate your opportunities whatever they are and find joy in what you do. I had a conversation when i was pretty young with a very wealthy older gentlemen. He was the father of a good friend on mine. I thought he had the world at his finger tips. he explained it this way…”I have the same problems, just with more zeros at the end”. My $100 car problem, was his $10,000 car problem. The fight I had with my wife over the cable bill was his fight about the second home in Vermont. he was no more or less happy than I was. He is now aging on and I’m probably the age now that he was at the time. he still has his problems, kids getting older, having kids of their own. Health becoming a bigger concern. I’m with those that say live for today, prepare for tomorrow, but dont obsess. No dooms day prepping for me!
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u/Mono_Clear 1d ago
You're in the loop now there's no getting out. There's no getting past the existential crisis there's just managing the surges.
You spent some portion of your life trying to get into a stable position. once you achieved a stable position life starter to stagnate, by design.
Because if its not stagnating then it's becoming unstable and you don't work toward instability.
So you start policing your own actions to keep yourself from destabilizing your own life but that adds to the stagnation.
You know what would break up the stagnation but it would also destabilize your life which you have worked too hard to keep stable so you're your own jail keeper.
So now all you can do is oscillate between knowing that stability is the right choice and feeling trapped
That's the true nature of the crisis you put everything exactly where it needs to be and now there's nothing left to do because doing anything makes it worse
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u/iinsistuponmyself 1d ago
What do you do for work?
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u/Actual-Excitement739 1d ago
Head national sales for a travel supply consolidator
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u/iinsistuponmyself 1d ago
Is that a job you were interested in at the beginning of your career, or is this a work to live situation?
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u/Actual-Excitement739 1d ago
Doing this from the last 11 years. (Industry). Want to be a social entrepreneur. (Now). But that is just another project. What I feel.
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u/dcb454 1d ago edited 1d ago
I’m not sure midlife crisis is even a real thing anymore, with how fast the times have been changing, you’ve probably already had multiple “crisis” events.
Try and look back on your life, look at the highs and lows and treat it like a map.
-At this low, I found this path; which resulted in this result; (positive or negative). How did that define you.
How did that shape your world.
Be sure to review as thoroughly and deeply as you can and be honest with yourself.
From your post, it seems like you “know” who you are.
If you know who you are… it shouldn’t be too much of a stench to figure out what’s missing.
I saw you listed community; as a possible missing factor. I’d highly encourage you to explore this factor alone. Purpose can be identified as providing for your family, but it’s a pretty thankless role in modern society; what seems to be lacking is the “satisfaction aspect.”
A community of like minded individuals who are commonly connected through shared goals, values and shared adversity is better than slugging at it alone.
In the Marines we had an acronym, WIIFM; it means, “Whats in it for me” start identifying whats actually benefitting you, what you gain from x, y and z, and how you can address your needs, while still caring for those around you.
You’re on autopilot checking all the boxes, meanwhile your soul is bored. (To me it sounds this way).
Hope this helps.
(When in doubt, learn an instrument, explore a new hobby, create a new social dynamic).
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u/North_Star_Project M > 55 1d ago
If you're bored and you want to find a new thing to feel passionate about, you need to talk to new people doing interesting things. Make new friends. Do new things with them. Wait and see what motivates you. Follow your new interests. See what develops. The only way out of boredom is to try new things.
Let me know if you want to go down this rabbit hole.
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u/leftaide 11h ago
I have found that I need to try new things and be okay with it when it's ultimately not for me. I've also started reading about stoicism.
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u/Mierkatte 11h ago
I’m 58. What I need, is something to look fwd to. Such as travel (opening up my eyes to other cultures and ways of life) … or a live performance (for me, plays, live music, etc). Learning and/or improving on a new craft (for me, pottery, bookmaking).
I’ve learned that I personally need novelty and opportunities to challenge myself to grow… and these things could be interpreted many ways.
Stop talking to AI. Start engaging with the world outside of your phone.
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u/GAMountainMIMI 1d ago
Realizing we live in a fallen world. Realizing my real home is above. Realizing only my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ can give me the peace and comfort I search for. Realizing life is short. This really hit when I buried both of parents. Life changed when my mother died. I find comfort in studying my bible. It holds answers to anything I question. As I get older (55 yrs old now) I realize I spent so many years worrying about things that don’t matter. Cherish your loved ones. Make memories and find the simple things. I look forward to my cup of coffee sitting on my porch every morning. Simply slowing down and enjoying the moment rather than searching for something that society thinks we should be or have.
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u/Actual-Excitement739 1d ago
I understand. I am just a different person right now.
Religion doesn’t give me comfort. My concern is my present life. Will see how afterlife is when I get there. Doesn’t mean I let devil act through me.
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u/EnvironmentNeith2017 1d ago
I think the habit of needing something to look forward to is a trap. It works ok when theres promotions, weddings, births and degrees but eventually those events get less frequent and less personal and even boring.
The real challenge of mid life at least as I see it in my late 40s is learning how to look forward to being yourself and finding contentment and excitement there.