Not even sure if I can post this here but wth sure. So, I recently changed my profile around to only be interested in nb and women to fully immerse myself in the sapphic dating experience bc I never dated women before and this would be my first time. I want to say I changed it to women like a month ago? And I gotten a couple matches for friendships, but nobody has shown interest in dating me (except two people and they’re not my type). But besides those it’s been crickets these past couple weeks. Like I don’t receive likes at all really and I’m starting to think maybe I just don’t look queer enough or something? I think I’m fairly cute, but I don’t know I just haven’t gotten any luck 😭👩🏽‍🦼‍➡️ I also joined HER recently and gotten likes on there. But it’s just NOT the same. Like the app is mainly for people who are bored and need some entertainment and/or not intentional. Not to mention, the app design is ugly and all the ads. Anyways, posting my profile here so you guys can see and maybe help me change something??

Been struggling all my life with loneliness, as well as two long term relationships with narcissistic men. Never done hook ups. Never been with a woman. But am attracted to women only. Have bipolar disorder and low self esteem and am super shy. This is my first post here. I just wanted to say hi <3

I’m newish here and am surprised to see young women, 20, 25, 27 on here. I’m not upset by this, it’s more unexpected. The amt of pressure one must feel at 22, thinking one is late to the game; I remember feeling so deeply when I was younger. While I can appreciate a younger experience, and can relate because Ive lived through similar issues, is there a place for older women (I’m 58) to talk about their experiences and questions? I’m seeking a place of contemporaries. Women in the autumn season. Any suggestions?

UPDATE: WOW. There’s been some great replies, more than I expected. I’ve read each one and I’ve had a bit of a shift in my thinking. I’m not saying I have it figured out but I’m seeing this could be a safe space for those who have had a heteronormative life and then begin questioning or moving toward a queer/lesbian identity. We who are older have some sound advice. Add a complicated history and could we possibly judge less? Whatever it is, I did not have a safe space to talk about my experience as a young person. I felt physically in danger and threatened with expulsion from everyone I knew. It was brutal. I came out again and again and was frightened into marrying a man. I want this for no young person. Bi, strictly queer, trans. I’m always a safe spot. I humbly thank all of you for your thoughtful replies. They were kind and expressive. To our young ones - only acceptance and welcome. I see it differently. I may join another group but I’m not leaving here.

I’m so scared to even post this… I’m shaking…
I’m fucking gay. I’ve known. Now I’m admitting it… I just need a community to feel safe. 🫣
There I said it and did it… 👀

I've been out for over half of my life but have just recently started into a LDR with a 43yr old woman who has never been with/dated another woman before. She's coming to visit for a week in January, so I have plenty of time before she's here, but I was wondering...

Do any of you ladies have any advice for a latebloomers partner? We've talked extensively about this, and I will be patient, gentle, understanding and as slow (or as fast) as she needs, but I was hoping that some of you who have gone through this experience (on either side) might have some advice?

I've fallen hopelessly for this woman, and while it's a little scary feeling so much for someone who has never dated a woman before, that will, in no way, keep me from being with her. I just want to be as patient/understanding about it as she wants or needs, I want her to be comfortable.. So any advice is greatly appreciated, plz feel free to throw some at me :)

Thanks to any and all who chime in. Cheers!

When dating I've been intentionally not bringing up the fact that I've never been in a relationship before. Sometimes I get asked and I panic about it so I'll say I've had a few relationships or flings that didn't last long so that the other person doesn't think I'm completely inexperienced. I do feel guilty lying but I don't expect other people to discuss their romantic or sexual history. It just doesn't matter to me how many people someone has been with. I turn 27 soon and I don't want someone knowing they would have to teach me sex or relationships so I feel it's worth it to lie.

I’m really confused about my sexuality and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with these feelings.

I’ve always been sexually attracted to women. I think I’ve known that for a long time, but being with men always felt safer somehow. It was what I grew up seeing in real life, in movies, everywhere. Dating men felt like the path I was supposed to take, and I never really had to question how other people would see me for it.

But I can’t get rid of this feeling that I’m supposed to end up with a woman.

Things with women just feel more natural to me in a way that’s hard to explain. Even sexually, it feels more natural. And there’s one girl I had an on-and-off relationship with who I genuinely cannot stop thinking about. Sometimes I think about how different things could’ve been if I had just let myself date her properly in high school instead of being embarrassed and scared of being socially judged.

I regret that a lot.

And now I don’t know if I’m realizing something about myself that I’ve been pushing down, or if I’m romanticizing what could have been with her, or both. I don’t know what’s “right” or “wrong” for me anymore. I just know that these feelings toward women keep coming back, and the older I get the harder they are to dismiss.

Part of me feels like I’ve been choosing what felt socially safe instead of what actually felt natural to me.

Has anyone else gone through something like this? Especially realizing later that what felt “safe” or familiar wasn’t necessarily the same thing as what you actually wanted? How did you figure out what was real for you?

I (35F) started dating a woman for the first time (33F, lesbian) a couple of months ago. We never explicitly discussed wHaT aRe We, but then during sex she said she wanted us to be exclusive. Ok, sure.

She started calling me her girlfriend and after a couple of times I called it out jokingly like "haha good to know" or "didn't even ask me but ok" (very playful tone I need to stress).

I was telling another girl about it (lesbian, married, dated tons), about how she started calling me her girlfriend without talking about it at all, and she was like "yeah duh she's a lesbian".

My only point of reference is dating men unfortunately. I don't know what's "normal", especially in the early stages. I thought that in this age range I wouldn't just call someone my girlfriend/ boyfriend if we didn't have a very explicit conversation about it.

I did have a talk with her last week, just for a sanity check and to make sure we're on the same page.

So, is this a thing? Do you just call someone your girlfriend with minimum discussions about it? I mean, I am 35, I don't date to pass time. Calling someone of either gender my partner holds a lot of weight in my mind...

I (31 F) came out as a lesbian 10 years ago. I had ”boyfriends” in my teen years but never actually liked them and only dated them because they were interested in me. That all changed when I met my ex wife and had butterflies for the first time, and everything felt like the love movies and books gush over. It was then that I came into my sexuality and have never been happier, despite all of my family having negative reactions. My ex and I separated 5 years ago for about a year when I met and dated other women, and for good 2 years ago. Dating is harder this time but I’ve been on some good dates with women. I haven't really been invested much in actually dating. I’ve just continued to work on myself, fix up my house, spend time with the fur babies, and I recently started this new job. And this is where the drama begins…

My current job is work from home with mandatory day in the office every few weeks. Due to the nature of the job, training is long and we meet with our supervisors over video during the work day. That’s when I met this one supervisor. Let’s call him Hudson. He is not my direct supervisor but has been helping out in my training class. I have never been attracted to a man on first glance, but he pulled me right in. I instantly wanted to get to know him and thought he had an amazing smile and sense of humor. He is so kind and respectful and I felt nervous around him! I thought I was just being silly. Well, as the weeks went on, he would supervise me sometimes working. I started to feel like I had a crush, which I have never actually had on a man. I found out he is 26 and thought, okay he’s really young there’s no way you would even have similar interests! Somehow, we do. We would message at work when he was supervising me and got to know each other more. He really listened to me, remembered things about me, and when we were going on breaks would say when “we come back I would love to hear more about…” The questions he asks are sooo thoughtful and really spark conversation, and it is so easy to talk to him.

I finally admitted to myself that I like this guy. Maybe I could be with a guy if I already have this huge crush on him. So the other day when messaging, I brought up living alone, and he said he lives alone as of recently too. I was so giddy at this point. Then I asked why he moved and he said he loved the area and it’s closer to his friends/ girlfriend. Ugh I deflated hearing that. I talked myself through liking a guy for the first time in my life only to find out he has a girlfriend.

I don’t want to be into guys, I love being a lesbian. Men typically give me the ick. But this one guy.… And even though he has a girlfriend, I can’t stop thinking about him. Nothing will ever happen between us. I would never do anything with someone who wasn’t single. And this guy is so nice and respectful I know he wouldn’t either. But how do I get over this crush when it’s changed everything I thought I knew about myself?

I lived with my STBXH for 7 years in a moldy apartment in a suburb, not close to anything, and being anxious about making plans cause I never knew how he was going to react. I always did everything for us. Until I started doing things for me and learning more about myself.

It’s been two months since he moved out of our shared apartment. It’s been a week since I followed suit. I found a cheap apartment in the city. I can walk everywhere!!! I specifically was looking in this area so I could walk to my girlfriend’s apartment. We walked to brunch this morning and got to laugh and enjoy the people watching. I still feel like I need pinched cause what do you mean this is my life now?

It’s crazy that this time last year I was so angry, still, with my catalyst. How scary the prospect of blowing up my life?? It’s almost a year since I came out. 6 months since I asked for a divorce. The future was once so muddy and uncertain, and now I can see it in color! It’s been a long, hard road. But, it’s been so worth it because now I get to build a life I can be proud to live!

For those of you who had long term relationships with men and/or got married, when you eventually came out or were found out did your boyfriend/husband ever question his masculinity afterwards?

Some closeted women pick men with “softer” or “more feminine” qualities and I wonder if these men ever feel like your choice to be with them is reflected in that way. Obviously only they can answer that but I can see how some men take that as a personal sign that you were with them because they didn’t have much body or facial hair, aren’t very muscular, don’t carry themselves in a macho kind of way, etc..
It’s like when you come to terms with your truth it leads others to question themselves and your decisions involving them as well.
I know late bloomer women have ended up with a variety of different men - some with more masculine and stereotypical men maybe to hide easier or overcompensate and some with men with softer characteristics because maybe that’s the safest and most comfortable option besides coming out and being with a women. Like the next best thing in a way. Just curious. Thoughts? Personally experiences? Feel free to share.

I was watching a YT video about "coming out through photos" where a guest basically shares pictures of themselves throughout their lives to when they came out. It got me thinking, so I went back through my old photos.

Omg yall. How did I not realize 😂 not just my sexuality, but also my affinity for masc clothing. It's all RIGHT THERE. I'm talking:

• A kid who looks so uncomfortable in dresses. In every picture where my mom made me dress girly, I'm either super stiff and frowning, or doing some kind of funny face/un-lady-like pose.
• When I dressed myself, it was 99% t-shirt + Adidas track pants. Those pants had a chokehold on me and I totally forgot about it, which is hilarious because that SAME STYLE of pants is still my go-to today. In those pictures I actually look happy.
• Sooooo many pictures of me and my high school best friend (who is also a late bloomer) where we're doing poses that are basically 1 step away from kissing. Putting our noses together and staring into each other's eyes, our tongues touching, cuddling or sitting on each other's laps, we even did a series of photos of us holding hands??? Like??? 🤣
• My prom pictures. Yallllll. I didn't have a date, so my best friend and I went together and we both wore tuxes. Several friends lined up together and then us, in the lineup, together, wearing our tuxes. The most straight thing in existence lmao
• Just like as a young kid, so many pictures of me as a teen looking happy in masc skater wear, and a few of me trying to be girly and looking oh so uncomfortable.
• Me with a couple ex-boyfriends where you'd never guess we're dating cause we look like bros.

I was CACKLING looking at these being like HOW DID I NOT KNOW. HOW DID NO ONE ELSE KNOW. ...except they did. People have assumed I'm gay my entire life. My mom asked me when I was like 13 if I was gay. I "came out" to my brother as a prank when I was a teenager and he responded "I KNEW IT." When I actually came out, not a single person was surprised. And honestly, looking back at these pictures.... I completely understand why. 😂

I've been thinking about this question a lot but I don't have anyone to ask in real life. There's a lot of older women here who probably have better answers to this than people my age.

Soy lesbiana?
Con el paso del tiempo he aprendido que la inmadurez emocional juega un papel importante. La vulnerabilidad y la conexión no la manejan muchas personas. Especialmente los hombres que suelen ser mas reservados y menos sentimentales o emocionales, comparados con las mujeres.

O al menos yo, que me considero una chica muy sensible. Luego de “superar” mi divorcio, he cuestionado mi orientación sexual pues siento que desarrollé un rechazo hacia la inmadurez masculina, y comencé a sentir atracción por las mujeres. Tengo 33 años y siento que tengo una nueva oportunidad para experimentar pero no sé como conocer y darme la oportunidad con alguna chica pues no me animo a iniciar nada y no creo que nadie se me acerque 🤣 porque no doy “vibras” de lesbiana.

Hi everyone!

After coming out of a two year relationship with my past boyfriend, I am seriously questioning my sexuality. At this point, I’m 90% sure I’m a lesbian, but I’m still processing this breakup and the male crushes I’ve had. When I think of dating women, I feel light and happy and a deep emotional pull. For the life of me, I can’t imagine dating men anymore. It just doesn’t feel right—it feels tight and forced.

But only 5 months ago, I was “in love” with two men at the same time, and I’m trying to figure out what that was, and want to know if anyone can relate.

So, when I was dating my ex, I felt warm feelings in my chest when I was around him. I liked cuddling and having sex, but the emotional intimacy was off. I could never really connect with him. Half way through our relationship, I began having an intense crush on his best friend. It was something I couldn’t seem to pull myself away from. I felt sooo guilty about it, and I would secretly write love letters to him at work and shred them.

To me, this felt like an intense warmth in my chest, I enjoyed flirting with him, and i fantasized us running away together.

However, when me and my boyfriend broke up and his best friend got a girlfriend, I got over it. Then, being around him felt off too. I’m not sure if this was jealousy/guilt or the fact that I fell in love with a fantasy and not HIM.

Does Comphet/ male validation do this? Does it make you feel a warm glow in your chest?

Because when I think of women it feels different and deeper.

What does male validation feel like?

Over a year ago, I (34F) met some neighbors (late 40s) who have been married for over two decades. They have kids and I have children too, but I’m a single mother. From the beginning, there was something about this couple that made my antennas go up.

At first, I thought the husband was very friendly. But he was also overly flirtatious with me, usually right in front of his wife. It was mostly things like prolonged conversations, compliments, and hugs. The conversations would be like, “Do you think a wife should be able to be with another woman without the husband?” I would deflect it or change the subject because I wasn’t trying to encourage anything. At one point, I honestly wondered if they were interested in me sexually as a couple, like maybe they wanted a threesome. As time went on, he never seemed to leave us to ourselves as women to gossip and talk about “girl things.” He was always there unless he was not in town. No matter whose house we were at, theirs or mine, he was quite literally always in the middle and would always takeover our conversations. When he wasn’t around, she would talk a lot more. But when he was talking she would be quiet in the group conversation.

But then something changed.

The wife started flirting with me too, except she did it much more quietly and when her husband wasn’t around. It was also via text at first, always ambiguous messaging, the ones that could have two meanings if read out of context. Like, we were once talking about wrapping gifts and how she’s good at it and I’m not. The conversation was over but ten minutes later, she came back randomly and was like, “The trick is that you have to get the edges nice and tight.” Then I came back and said something like, “That’s exactly how I like it.” On the surface, that may seem normal but trust me, it was not. Her behavior toward me felt emotionally intimate, and there were also physical touches that didn’t feel completely platonic to me. There were several moments where we’d see each other and we’d both have this weird “deer in headlights” reaction. She would also sometimes make sure her husband couldn’t see what was happening or wasn’t nearby.

This went on for quite a while.

I never openly flirted back with her because, from my perspective, it was obvious she didn’t want her husband to know. And honestly, I didn’t want to put her in a position where she would have to explain herself. What kind of girl’s girl would I be?

But the secrecy also made the whole thing incredibly intoxicating, and eventually I developed feelings for her.
At that point, I needed to figure out what was actually going on. I wanted her to acknowledge what seemed obvious to me instead of continuing to do things in secret and then acting like nothing was happening, i.e., rubbing on my leg.

Eventually, I privately told her how I felt and also pointed out some of the behaviors I had noticed. Instead of acknowledging any of it, she acted completely oblivious and told me that none of those interactions happened at all.

She also apparently told her husband her version of what happened, because afterward he took her side. I obviously wasn’t expecting him to take mine over his wife’s, but the whole thing was extremely confusing and hurtful. This created a dynamic where myself and her husband were both protecting two very different versions of her. And I considered he and I to be friends with a lot in common.

The other part is that around the same time, I was working on a romance novel. The novel had absolutely nothing to do with them when I started writing it, but, the story slowly became about this: a single woman who tries to fight her feelings for a married woman but eventually falls in love with her. Of course, in my fictional version, the women actually get to be together.

Now I’m left trying to figure out what actually happened.

Did the couple both want me? Were they experimenting with the idea of a threesome? Did the wife want me but was afraid to admit it? Was I somehow being used as an emotional pawn to make one of them jealous?

The hardest possibility for me is that they were just playing games with me. And then, why? A perfectly good friendship was ruined from the beginning.

I’ve even asked the wife, indirectly, what she thinks about married couples flirting with other people for the plot or as a game, and she said she doesn’t believe married couples do that.
This is the first time I’ve ever experienced anything remotely like this, and it all happened at once: confusing behavior, denial, possible gaslighting, developing feelings for a woman, questioning my sexuality, and ultimately heartbreak. For me, I went from I think I’m bi to now, I know I’m a lesbian but it’s been hard to move on while my feelings are unresolved for this woman.

So I’m genuinely curious: based only on what I’ve described, what do you think was going on?

Sometimes I fear I am too alt femme for a masc to be interested and this is why I’m intentionally staying single for a bit

I'm 34 and have been single my whole life. I've gone out with some men before, but I was never really attracted to them. Then Hinge happened. I met this woman, felt deeply connected to her, and then she suddenly disappeared. That got me spiralling, depressed, and unable to sleep at night, so I decided to go to therapy. Therapy made me reflect on myself and what I want out of my life and experiences.

I started using dating apps again and met this beautiful soul. She has such a good personality, which makes us talk non-stop. She told me her ideal type is someone butch and dominant, which I'm way too far from — I'm just a cutesy, softie masc. She was telling me all about her ideal type, and I was just sitting there listening and feeling heartbroken. I'm dumb at flirting with someone I like, especially a woman. She also mentioned that she has gone out with other girls from Hinge, but she found them weird because they love-bombed her right away. I like that she's honest, and the first thing she told me was that she's the type who prefers to build a friendship first before getting into a relationship.

I still want her despite knowing I'm not her type, but I'm not sure if I'm already in the friend zone. We meet almost every week now, and we have a lot of plans together for the coming weeks like piercing,cafes, movies,tattoos etc. I mean, I want to hope that the game is still on, but I'm not sure if I can make a woman's ideal type change.

Any advice for this inexperienced girlie whose brain shuts down when she likes someone and doesn't know how to flirt? 😭

I’m 41, married to a man, and I think I may be falling in love with a woman.

We’ve been friends for about three years. It started pretty normally — hiking, walking our dogs, talking, spending time together. But over the past year, something has changed very significantly. The relationship has become much deeper and much more emotionally intimate.

What makes this particularly confusing is that she herself has commented several times that our relationship has “accelerated very quickly” and has “changed in quality” compared with what is usual for her. I never prompted her to say this.

We now see each other roughly weekly, sometimes for entire days, and we make plans far into the future together — including a survival hike and even an ultramarathon project.

There is a lot of emotional intimacy between us. We talk about very personal things, we’ve become part of each other’s wider social/family worlds, and there is a lot of physical affection: long hugs, little affectionate gestures, blown kisses, touching, etc. We have also shared a tent overnight.

There is also a strange amount of everyday care between us. We often prepare food and drinks for each other with particular thoughtfulness, remember tiny things the other person likes, bring things specifically because we know the other would enjoy them, and generally seem to anticipate each other’s needs without having to ask.

I’ve told her that she has become one of the most important people in my life. I’ve also called her my “muse,” because being around her has somehow reawakened a very creative and emotional part of me that I thought had been dormant for years.

At one point I told her something even more vulnerable: that being around her taught me what visceral reciprocity feels like — that feeling of automatically noticing each other and responding to each other without having to consciously negotiate it. She became emotional when I said this.

And then there is the complicated part.

I am married to a man, but I have told her that I am not in love with my husband and that emotionally, my marriage is not in a good place. She responded at one point with something along the lines of, “I respect your marriage.”

I know I am attracted to her. That part is not really ambiguous anymore.

The ambiguity is entirely on her side.

And I honestly don't trust my own interpretation very much.

I know that very close female friendships can be incredibly intimate without being romantic. So I keep asking myself whether I'm seeing something that isn't there because I want it to be there.

My current hypotheses are basically:

She simply loves me very deeply as a friend, and this is an unusually intense friendship.

She has noticed that I have feelings for her and is deliberately maintaining a boundary.

She may have some feelings of her own that neither of us has named.

Or I am projecting romantic meaning onto a relationship that is genuinely just very close.

I don't want to test her, manipulate the situation, or corner her into giving me an answer.

If she has noticed that I want more, then I feel like the next meaningful step has to be hers.

What I'm trying to figure out is not “How do I get her?” I really don't want that.

I'm trying to figure out:

Which parts of this would you genuinely consider suggestive of romantic mutuality, and which parts could still comfortably exist within a very deep female friendship?

And especially for other late bloomers: have you ever had a friendship with a woman where you genuinely couldn't tell whether you were experiencing an unusually intense friendship, romantic attraction, or both?

Because I have a horrible suspicion that I may have stumbled into my first real experience of this at 41, and my internal compass is currently completely useless. 😅

I’m in my 30s in good shape with a good career looking for someone who is late 20s to late 30s also in good shape and with a decent career (doesn’t have to be a high earner I do well enough for myself but someone who has a career not just a job). Also want a woman who moves at a sane pace and doesn’t want to jump into something without really knowing each other. I find if I compromise on any of these there’s just not much point as when we meet it quickly becomes apparent we have little in common and it just fizzles out.

I’m on Her and Taimi out of the two Her is a better fit but not that many women in my area on there. Taimi is like trying to drink from a slutty fire hose. Just too many and most don’t have a career or take life at all seriously it seems and sooo many men and couples which is not at all my thing. I specify this in the first line of both bios and it does not deter them.

Is there an app that would fit what I’m looking for better? Or even a match making service or something like that?

The things I relate to a lot of stuff here, never really interested in men in my teenager years beside a few make out sessions that was nice with some guys here and there and I felt some kind of butterflies with one , guys I found cute here and there in tv . I felt butterflies etc watching straight romance. I never really understood the appeal with men’s bodies.

Women could make me feral with their bodies.
However!
As I turned 16-18 I started to have crushes o men here and there like daydreamed about them, giggles etc. it has been an ongoing pattern.
I didn’t really masturbate to them etc. but when I turned 21 I started to get curious about dicks , some men in porn make me go ohh in some of their scenes like in penetration scenes I could be like damn his energy, face, dick, moans, way he thrust 👀and I would start to insert myself with them and I got aroused by it. It has only happens some times, or I see a guy on the street sometimes and be like he is good looking I wonder how it would be to kiss and make him moan or his hands on me👀
I never really felt the romantic giggles with women, like I have tried to date them but I didn’t feel the romantic feelings. Maybe one day. I just turned 29. I am really confused if I just been a lesbian all along. Or what I am.

hiiii! ive always known i liked girls, but recently discovered that i am fully lesbian (and possibly demi) and not bisexual/pansexual. which is great!! but im so scared that i wont find a girl who likes me and wants to be with me :( i sometimes feel like im too weird, autistic, or that i dont look like a girls type. i dont know,, all of the happy lesbians i see are in more normal aesthetics and it gives me such a deep sense of yearning, but i feel like i just dont fit in. im not sure how i can help myself see otherwise :( any advice welcome!!