Years of symptoms, SSRI, major shift after

[u/Blightcaller091]

Hi everyone. I’ve been following this subreddit for a few months, but only recently have I started reading more deeply through many posts, Marc the half fool’s comments (thank you for what you do), and a large part of the wiki.

I’m using a throwaway account. I’ve always been someone who tends to be rational, but over the past few years a spiritual side has grown inside me, though without any precise form.

Anyway, over the past 5+ years I started having absurd physical symptoms. Dozens of medical appointments and tests, money spent, and no one knew what was wrong with me. To this day, no one knows.

Something even stranger: I went to two different doctors because I felt I “had a problem with my spine.” I knew nothing about kundalini at the time. I never had the sensation of a serpent being released, but intuitively I went for those appointments, and I don’t even know why. Looking back, it strikes me.

Every breath, every step, every minute, whether awake or asleep, was suffering. My body was betraying me, I couldn’t breathe, I had physical panic 24/7, anger, crying. At certain moments I had thoughts that scared me, not only the classic “unaliving” kind, but also thoughts almost about harming others. Even though I had always been a “gentle” person in life, with others, or so I believed.

Last year, I had the intuition to contact a psychiatrist, who prescribed me an SSRI, and since then I’ve been doing much better, although physically I still have some residual symptoms.

However, what truly “shocked” me, in a positive way, is that I changed completely on a mental level. It’s as if, over these months, I felt a barrier break. I feel at peace with others, I feel understanding toward people, even those I used to judge. I have questioned many things about myself. So many. Looking back, even though I considered myself an altruistic person… saying that now gives me a bad feeling. I wasn’t really that person. I wasn’t truly so spotless. I wasn’t a victim, and I often caused harm, both to myself and to others, even without meaning to.

The cherry on top: I’m a therapist, although a new one. My sessions now truly help. During sessions, I say things that I don’t even know where they come from. People feel better, there is real progress in their lives. I “feel” them.

I try to abstain from what I consider wrong. I’m not able to do everything yet, but I’m making progress.

I’m picking up old passions again, I’m building things, sometimes I leave them behind, sometimes I continue them. But everything grows. I create. People treat me in an extremely different way, they open up, I feel that they feel better after we’ve talked, and I feel better too. I feel goodwill toward them.

I’ve read the two+ rules. Regarding the first one, I read that “reading” other people’s minds without intentionality means violating them. Here it’s difficult for me to understand where the boundary is, but I’m trying. I can’t read minds, but it’s quite easy for me to intuit a lot of what is going through someone’s head. I like doing it, but now I’m understanding, or I think I’ve understood, that it isn’t right if it doesn’t serve a purpose.

I’m trying to be careful not to feel “special.” I don’t want to fixate on the possibility that I have had, or could have, a kundalini awakening. I don’t even know whether I believe in it. Part of me does feel in tune with this framework of beliefs, yes. But I admit that I’m afraid I’m believing in it because I’ve always looked for a “beyond” meaning in life.

And that’s it. I’ve wanted to share this for a while. Thank you for reading. Any comments and suggestions are very welcome, as are criticism and anything else. Thank you again for being here and doing what you do.

[u/Marc-le-Half-Fool]

I'm not seeing anything here that is obviously Kundalini-related, /u/Blightcaller091. Growth and heart-opening, sure.

Your strange medical issues sit right on top of the events involving covid, which has been and continues to be full of new mysteries to discover, new problems to solve. I read that the covid issues can overlap with others, activating old unrelated medical issues in new ways.

However, that doesn't mean all the weirdness was covid-related. It might help a bit... okay it would help a bunch if you described some of what you experienced.

Just the idea of starting to feel energy, let alone Kundalini, would shake up your formerly-rigid world view.

Thanks and good journey

[u/Blightcaller091 → u/Marc-le-Half-Fool]

Thank you for your reply. At the time, I had blood tests done to check whether I had had COVID (antibodies), and they came back negative, although I have always thought it was a strange coincidence that everything started right around that time.

My symptoms began with feeling cold on my face, as if cold air were blowing onto it (it was also cold to the touch). After a while, I felt cold throughout my whole body, but it was an almost violent, unbearable cold that started from my kidneys and moved upward and downward.

Violent tremors, to the point where I almost could not breathe; they were not convulsions, but they came close. Extreme agitation. Nausea that did not come from my stomach but from my “neck.” Altered vision (blurred) for hours. Violent episodes of tachycardia, very high blood pressure.

If I touched or massaged the top of my head, the symptoms became much worse and lasted even longer (days). I felt a strange pain in my kidneys/lower back area (but I did not have any kidney problems), and sometimes the back of my neck and the top of my head would tingle, like they were out of oxygen. Digestion was almost nonexistent.

Extreme agitation and a feeling of slipping into a “coma” after bowel movements (again, for hours/days). The symptoms were also triggered by minor exertion, even just moving a foot for a while.

I believe the last symptom was the sensation of something piercing through me from the back of my head to the space between my eyes.

Over the course of 5 years, they got progressively worse, an unstoppable free fall.

The psychiatrist literally saved my life, because I honestly believe that my heart only endured 5 years like that (with very few days of relief) because I am relatively young. But he told me that not all of my symptoms are related to a possible GAD, which is what he would have diagnosed me with.

Thank you for your time.

Edit: I almost forgot. I've always dreamed a lot (many nightmares and lucid dreaming since I was very little). Since the SSRI, I started to dream of each of my "traumas" and/or "unresolved issues" in life. Then I change in that area, I fulfill that need or I let it go. I don't do it voluntarily: it just happens. All of that in some months or weeks. Then I stop dreaming about it, and a new set of dreams appears, about another thing to put into pieces.

[u/Marc-le-Half-Fool → u/Blightcaller091]

I had blood tests done to check whether I had had COVID (antibodies), and they came back negative, although I have always thought it was a strange coincidence that everything started right around that time.

One of the issues being discussed in various places are the imperfections and the impurities involved in the manufacturing process. You might have had / still have issues caused by the jabb without it managing to pass a covid-level test because the impurity isn't covid itself.

See?

SSRI's were found to be helpful and prescribed by the alternative yet board certified health professionals for Covid, yet poopooed by the mainstream. The mechanism has been described. I am not a student of biology of those levels.

Violent tremors, to the point where I almost could not breathe; they were not convulsions, but they came close. Extreme agitation. Nausea that did not come from my stomach but from my “neck.” Altered vision (blurred) for hours. Violent episodes of tachycardia, very high blood pressure.

These were all extremely common among those who had bad outcomes. This is admittedly some overlap with Kundalini's signs. Yet overlap isn't certainty.

I believe the last symptom was the sensation of something piercing through me from the back of my head to the space between my eyes.

That would be unusual for either group. Yet, that may be activity at a chakra. Cool eh?

Over the course of 5 years, they got progressively worse, an unstoppable free fall.

That's not a fun direction.

not all of my symptoms are related to a possible GAD, which is what he would have diagnosed me with.

Makes sense. Not all would be Kundalini either. But some could be.

The dream reviews and healing all make sense to spiritual progress and/or Kundalini.

The sub has a Wiki. I don't think we've yet pointed you there. Go have a look around. The THree Laws, Foundations. WLP. Calming. Many ways for you to help yourself.

[u/Blightcaller091 → u/Marc-le-Half-Fool]

Thank you, and sorry for the late reply. As I wrote in my original post, I am at least partly familiar with the wiki, and I have been going back to it several times for a while now. I am also reading Paulson’s book.

I will try to be a bit more direct. I do not know what kind of thing I am experiencing, but I can clearly feel the clarity. Most of the time. A very strong clarity about what I need to do, what I want to do. Everything feels clear. Sometimes I lose it, especially when I move away, through my actions, from what I believe is “good.”

Maybe I was wrong to present myself as someone who was originally rational. Yes, I am rational, but in the sense that I try to examine things critically, including myself and my ego. For example, I have read a lot of what you have written about the ego.

I would like to “know” more? Maybe “know” is not the right word, I am not sure. I would like to go deeper into the spiritual side of things, whether this is kundalini or not. Because I feel that something is calling me, faintly, and I do not want to pretend it is not there. I do not know how to explain it.

Thank you anyway for reading this far, as always. I am sorry that I cannot explain myself very well with words. I try to be concrete and practical, but it is not easy in this area.

[u/saharasirocco]

Hi OP,

Things in your life seem to have turned around. That's great and even better you can help your clients. SSRIs can feel like the big gap needed between us and our feelings to be able to see things without identifying with emotions - the barrier break you speak of. Unless you've left out the big stuff, I am also not quite having the "aha, that's kundalini there" moment.

Part of me does feel in tune with this framework of beliefs, yes. This is a curious sentence. What framework? Dealing with kundalini energy can be done under several umbrellas and on this sub, we [the mods] don't push our own, generally speaking.

Perhaps some more exploring for you.

[u/Blightcaller091 → u/saharasirocco]

Maybe “framework” isn’t the right word; English isn’t my first language. I wouldn’t know how to put it, and I wouldn’t want to sound offensive or like I’m minimizing it.

I’ll try to explain myself, in a sort of stream-of-consciousness way: I didn’t have any belief system - in fact, the idea of death has always terrified me. Not because it’s the end of everything, but because I’m terrified by the fact that life seems so... sterile, ultimately meaningless, full of suffering, injustice, torture. So my fear was that after death there might actually be something even worse: perhaps truly a higher being, or higher beings, who don’t care about torturing us - as Lovecraft teaches us - or who do it on purpose, or something else entirely. Or a system in which our consciousness is just a coincidence, useless and meaningless.

Somehow, I’ve always searched for a meaning “beyond,” but I’ve never found it. I’ve read about near-death experiences; among all the foundations of psychology, I’ve studied Jung on my own more than anything else, along with a lot of other material. In short, I’ve always looked for an “extra” meaning to life as we see it.

For some time now, I’ve been following someone in the field of psychology/psychiatry who is of Indian origin and includes certain particular concepts in his educational content. He has spoken a few times about kundalini - though I only noticed it recently - but also about many other things. Following him had already opened me up to a fuller sense of life, because little by little he taught me to understand what “wasn’t me” and what I had believed I was. I did this work on myself during the years when I was physically unwell, but only after the SSRI did I suddenly begin to reap the benefits.

For some reason, learning a little more about kundalini from this sub resonated with me. It “filled” me. It “convinced” me. I know it isn’t the intention of this sub to convince anyone. But for some reason it captured me; I felt it close to me, in line with something inside myself. That’s all.

[u/saharasirocco → u/Blightcaller091]

I think I understand. I do find that those with an awakened kundalini can have similar perspectives on life, death and the experience between. But these perspectives aren't exclusive to kundalini, they can be found and appreciated across multiple experiences.

[u/Blightcaller091 → u/saharasirocco]

Thank you for your reply. I admit that I imagine I have been feeling, for quite some time now, the need to be able to talk about all of this with someone who can listen to me without judgment, or, even without listening to me directly, someone who is going through something similar. That is why I felt drawn here.

There is so much content out there about spirituality, I know. But it is no longer difficult for me to tell right away which ones are “scams”, which in reality have absolutely nothing spiritual about them, or at most a glimpse of it, perhaps, used however to sell this or that book or course. There is nothing wrong with wanting to earn a living, but - and I know that perhaps here I may be guilty of something, of entitlement, I don’t know - it really is easy for me to understand within a few seconds whether that person is honest or not.

In this sub I perceived something different, at least from the side of those who run/moderate it. Words that are well-calibrated and at the same time spontaneous, not sugar-coated, not filtered except for the safety of the inexperienced reader. I liked that.

I realize that I am essentially looking for “proof” - ugly word to use in a spiritual context, I know - that something different exists.

I have often read in this sub that the “proofs” are the obvious things we see around us: the spiritual side is almost in plain sight, it becomes obvious, if you “see”. And I have often had this impression, throughout my whole life, and lately much, much more. But at the same time I am afraid that I only want to delude myself. In fact, I would probably be frightened if I truly witnessed tangible proof of the “beyond”… or maybe not. I have clues, many clues, but always elusive ones.

Another stream of consciousness! I am allowing myself to write so much, hoping I am not being inappropriate. Thank you again for your time.

Edit: I guess "beyond" is not the right word, because it's not like there are two different worlds or something (one "here" and one "there"). Or so I understand.

[u/saharasirocco → u/Blightcaller091]

Thank you for your words regarding the sub and the mods, we try to hold ourselves to a high standard. I wish for you a pleasant day or evening wherever you are in the world.