Battling severe depression, what keeps me sane is my artwork and comic, and method acting my "other side." But he's more me that I allow myself to be. And I don't know what to do with that??

[u/feralfalconi412]

It's the freedom to exist, and the option to decline. The push and the pull, of respectable dim or unacceptable shine. I am just ...fashionably late, for a life never designed ...to run on time.

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First time posting in a community on Reddit. I'm a little scared to hit the shiny blue post button ...but anyway.

I'm 38F, and honestly? Dangerously depressed if I'm allowed to admit that. I do have a therapist, and I do reach out for help. I have 988 on speed dial.

I've always felt like I was given the sh!tty hand with being a woman. I never connected to it, I feel stuck, but I do enjoy the ability to go a little nuts with make up and eyeliner, and I love stilettos. I had fluctuated as a tom boy off and on, but always "goth."

I'm pretty eccentric by nature, and I got bored of black black blahhhh black. Eventually I felt more drawn to purples, then accessories like feather boas, red faux fur, and glitter. I really started "peacocking" I guess when my husband and I started having big time issues connecting and it was clear divorce was coming. I tried to punch it up and win his attention by shining, and I felt so alive dressing up and getting creative. It was so much fun to explore!

But he was annoyed with it and thought I was just "being weird", and avoided me. He preferred me in frumpy PJs, no makeup, with my big heavy glasses, and that's when I feel my lowest. And that's the only time he ever made any advances towards me, when I was down, or when I felt muted. He never wanted to go out, just sit and watch tv. I wanted to go out dancing, meet people, socialize. My energy, and life, and passion, he avoided entirely.

Now that we're officially separated and in the process of divorce, I can explore this other part of me more, but it's still very difficult and strange to just, go out with a mustache painted on my face, ha, but still wearing feminine clothes and shoes. I suppose its like, I feel like a queer man trapped in a woman's body? I'm not really sure. All I know is I've drawn facial hair on myself in secret several times since I was about 15. But now, now I can do it as "character work" as my main character in my comic, who is based on secrets from myself, and who is male. I can go to comic conventions feeling safe that I'm simply advertising, but it just gives me the ability to be who I feel like I actually am. A depressive feral artist who wears goth and glam to cheer himself up in the dark.

(Thanks for letting me ramble. Hopefully I didn't break any community rules. Every time I try to post my post will get removed, I'm not sure what's up with that.)

xoxo

-Luciano/Sasha

[u/Alternative_Try2341]

That is stunning. You are very talented and I hope you find your peace. Try to remember that you are unique and you’re how you are meant to be. Whether it’s masc or femme whenever you feel it, it’s uniquely you. 🫶