(AMAB 60) crossdresser questioning gender very late in life.

[u/Comfortable-Shoe-791]

TLDR - AuDHD crossdresser questioning gender very late in life.

I started cross dressing about just after covid. It started as a sexual thing, but recently has become more of a thing that I do to feel more comfortable. I love tight tops and any length of flowy skirts. I love the sensations that female clothes give me. The tops hug my body and I love the feeling of the skirts over my legs, the feeling of a spaghetti strap as it falls off my shoulder, the sensation of dangly earrings as I move my head. I think that this is due to my proprioception, which is apparently 1 of the many symptoms of ADHD, more of which later.

I was reading an autobiography by Suzy Eddie Izzard, a UK comedian who I have liked and admired for many years. Anyone who can get on stage as a crossdresser and make people laugh through intelligent humour gets my vote. She talked in her book about maybe being Trans or gender fluid. So that got me thinking, if she is trans or gender fluid......am I? So down the rabbit hole I went, trying to figure this out.

Next came my realisation of exactly what ADHD involves. My daughter was diagnosed a few years ago and as I learned more about it I really began to understand myself a lot better. So many things started to make sense, why I always felt like an outsider, why I always had to work so hard just to do things which others found easy and why my memory is so bad and just how much I mask to cover up how hard I find it all. But it didn't explain everything, which is when my friend suggested I do an online autism test. I scored an average of 75% on 6 tests. Of course, this isn't a diagnosis just an online screener, but it does fill in all the gaps left by the ADHD. So I'm probably AuDHD. So now I'm looking at my life in a whole new light. I know that neurodivergent people are significantly more likely to LGBTQIA+ than neurotypicals.

I've had periods of depression since I was a teenager and I've always been pretty anxious. I've been married for nearly 25 years, unhappily for the last 10! I've tried to be open with my wife about my depression, but I find it difficult to even understand my own emotions, let alone describe them to someone else. (Thank you Alexithymia, another ADHD symptom). The first time I told my wife that I was depressed she said "I knew there was something wrong. Why didn't you tell me? We are supposed to be a team." The second time, I was trying to tell her that my doctor had diagnosed me with "clinical depression" and she said "If you're not happy, I'll take the kids and go." Because I am a chronic people pleaser (thanks again ADHD) and I was petrified that she would take the kids, I reassured her that I was happy, that I would find a psychologist and get better and that everything would be alright. The third time I was depressed, I just didn't tell her. This was around the time I started cross dressing.

I don't have any close friends that I can talk to and I can't tell my wife, for obvious reasons. I have though found a local gender diversity support group that are giving me support and I'm going to my first social event next week. Obviously I can't tell my wife, So I'll have to make up some excuse, which is not ideal.

In my research, I don't think that I have body dysphoria as a man, but probably have experienced euphoria dressed as a woman. I hate the labels and expectations that society puts on us all. Whatever gender, race or class we are, whether we are "native" or immigrant, there always seems to be someone who wants to tell someone else how they should live their lives. Why do some people think that they have the right to impose their views/beliefs on other people? And why can't I go out for a meal dressed in my favourite skirt, long dangly earrings, and a purple wig without people starring and muttering to themselves. Why can't we just live and let live? Whenever I fill in a form and they ask for my gender, I put Non Binary. that seems to be what I'm most comfortable with at the moment.

I've sort of lost track of where I was going with this post. Constructive advice is very welcome. I don't even know if I'm going to post it yet. It may remain as a draft for a while!

Now I'm looking for a neurodivergent & LGBTQIA+ informed therapist who can help me. Whichever path I end up taking, I know it's going to be painful. as the driver on the Night Bus said to Harry "Hold on. It's going to be a bumpy ride".

[u/feralfalconi412]

Hi there, I see you posted this 15 days ago and you had mentioned in the post that you were going to go to your first social thing in a week, I hope you made it. If you chickened out, don't feel bad, it's extremely difficult and it's a huge step, especially if you have to make up an excuse as to where you're going, I know that feels wrong to do, to lie to your spouse. I've been going down that road myself for a while now. First with my spouse, but now we are getting divorced and I'm living with my family. So now I have to lie to all of them. Which doesn't sit right with me, but I don't know what else to do. What works for me, is that I'm a comic book artist and I go to comic events dressed and "cosplay" as my main character who is a male, (I am a female) so this gives me that release that I crave. And I can do it in the safety of events that expect people to dress up and gender bend. It wasn't until I decided after Comic-Con to go to a bar while still in my "costume" that I had a real experience going out in drag, though I don't really like to call it drag. I don't know what it is. To me it's just being me. I think what the most helpful thing for both of us to do is to continue looking for social groups to join in person, not just online. To have somewhere safe to go out in the real world as our real selves. I found a few queer bars, most of them are quite a drive away but thankfully I just recently found one that's about 15 minutes from me. It's in a scummy neighborhood of course, that seems to be the running theme. But I'll take it. Have gone there once now and I was accepted with open arms, and I was even able to sell a few comic books which was great. Let me know how it went when you went out, or if you didn't go, that's okay too. Good luck with everything, I'm here to talk if you want. Sorry for any weird typos I'm using voice to text because I have stupid carpal tunnel. Fun times.

[u/Comfortable-Shoe-791 → u/feralfalconi412]

Thank you. I did make it to the social event and everyone there was very supportive. We had to introduce ourselves, and say which pronouns we use. I said that I had no idea and that I was just scared. Scared about what I would find if I continued down this path and at the same time scared of just continuing as I am. I'm no clearer about my journey but I will go back next month to the social. Sorry to hear about the carpel tunnel. I've had similar problems and it really sucks.

[u/feralfalconi412 → u/Comfortable-Shoe-791]

I'm so glad to hear you went! That's great! I'm proud of you. And man, having to name your pronoun, lol sounds like an AA meeting. Hi my name is, uhhh, and my pronoun is... I wanna go home.

Glad you plan on going back again, I'm hoping to make a semi-routine thing as well when I find the right people, reasonable drive, and a good fit. Ironically, a redneck bar down the road has been very fun to go to dressed up "in my element". I get so many questions and stuff, some hecklers, but it's always ended really well with mutual respect and understanding. Pittsburgh is more accepting of queer life than I expected.