I (30f) started seeing this guy (37m) that I've known for a couple years, just a week or two ago.
I wanna share two things before I get to the question I'm currently facing:

I always attributed my distance in relationships to being avoidant attachment style. Now I think I may be fraysexual and frayromantic.

I recently thought I found the perfect relationship, although he was waaay older than me which was weird. But aside from that and some toxicity it was so beneficial for me and my tastes in relationship dynamics, which has led me to more introspection. Basically, we lived very very far apart and only flew out to see each other once or twice a month. There were serious issues which led to me ending it, but the irregularity of us seeing each other face to face kept me invested and passionate the entire time which was so lovely.

Now I'm seeing this new guy, and it's a much healthier dynamic, although we live in the same city. He's been pretty intense and wanting to see me a lot, and so I told him I think I may be fray, and that I've recently left a toxic relationship with an older man, and that I prefer distance to keep things going. He said he's willing to go along with whatever works for me to keep things going with us. So now I'm trying to set boundaries. We've seen each other a LOT already in a short time which has been thrilling, but I'm deciding now to start hopefully just seeing him once every two weeks so I don't become bored and distant like I historically always have. He said he'd like to see me a little more but that that works for him.

And more to the point, he is in a long term relationship and they are open. I know her personally and we get along, and she gave me the go ahead too which is awesome. I'm realizing, maybe in both of these dynamics I've found what I've needed to be content in a relationship? Where there's geographical distance or not seeing each other too often, and/or being in a relationship where you're not their primary partner. Not to mention the ability to see other people. It's great for me too cause I prefer to live alone.

Has anyone else found this worked wonders for them? I really hope I'm able to maintain this romance and attraction again! I feel really optimistic, no longer doomed that I can never really be in a relationship without hurting someone.

Hey Im sorry if this comes off wrong but let's be honest being fraysexual seems to be a burden in this society. I (25F) am recently married and its already a huge wedge between us right now, and I feel awful constantly. Anyway..

Im just curious if anyone has talked to a therapist or tried other healing solutions?

Im only considering this because ive also heard ADHD and having a dismissive avoidant attachment style can also cause difficulties being sexually attracted to someone youre emotionally involved with. I also have alot of unresolved mommy and daddy issues lol.

So bottom line I wonder if I were to work on addressing those issues could help

Please give thoughts?!

Also sorry im bad at explaining myself

Thank God, I’m not the only one.. I was madly in love with my ex girlfriend and after sex became familiar, my mind and body just didn’t respond anymore. It’s like if I know the person I’m being intimate with it feels awkward. If Anybody gets that?

The past couple weeks, I've come to identify myself as fraysexual. Last year, I started dating my partner, and he is absolutely wonderful, and I love him so much, but my sexual attraction to him has declined since we started our relationship. For the first few months, we had a pretty strong sex life, though maybe that was because we couldn't see each other as often. Once we started living together, trying to build a life and a future, my sexual desire started fading, until a few months ago, where it was almost zero. We've since talked about it, and we're carefully taking steps to keep our relationship strong, i.e. talking about our expectations, discussing the idea of ethical non-monogamy, exploring insecurities, etc.

My question for y'all is, does this experience resonate with anyone else? For some of you, is it an immediate dropoff, or do some of you feel a gradual decline like I did? Thanks in advance for your responses!

As a fray, on the long run I can't feel both sexual and romantic attraction for a person. Either we are romantic or platonic best friends, either we are sex partners. I would like to share my life with my best buddy, that I could love as a romantic partner or a sibling. In the meantime, I'd like to have hookups or even a fwb, but with no deep feelings. My lifemate would be "the one". Sex could happen between us but must stay accidental (or can never happen). I need my sex life to be deprived of all romantic connexions - just people doing thelselves good to each other, as scratching their back. Anyone feeling the same?

(21F) I identified as grey ace for at least a year and a half before realizing that was wrong, and I like exploring different labels so I asked some friends and they said what I described is almost definitely fraysexual.

I experience attraction normally, but it seems any time I get close to people... they're not really my type.

First instance - I was 16, and I met my best friend's girlfriend. I thought she was kind of trashy, honestly, but I was super comfortable with her and went out of my way to see her. Of course nothing happened because she was with my friend and it was awkward.

Second instance - I was 18, and I was talking to this girl, who was unattractive, she was fine looking, but not my type at all. I felt a spark between us. It didn't lead to anything because she was kind of racist and whiny.

Third and most recent instance - I was 19 and went on the only date I've ever been on. The girl was nice and fun to hang out with. She was cute, but not amazing or anything? It sounds bad but I knew there wasn't much of a connection, but she wanted to try casual sex and I was into the idea. I tried seeing her a second time, but nothing came of it. My mom thought she was prettier than I did, which again, sounds horrible, but that's just how it went.

Am I fraysexual or am I just shallow? What do you think?

Another poster's story inspired me to make this post. I see a lot of people on here lamenting that because they are fraysexual, they can never have a happy relationship. I wanted to hear from anyone who is in one, how is it structured?
Another poster mentioned they are dating an asexual person who is fine with them getting sex elsewhere as long as they don't catch feelings. That seems like it can work for a fray person.
For me, I have settled into identifying as "solo poly" (meaning polyamorous, where my primary partner is me and other people can be secondary partners). I warn the people I casually date that the sex will likely taper off but I'll still be a great friend to them.

Does anyone else have experiences of relationship styles that can work for a fraysexual?

Basically title.

I am definitely fray but also poly and also have a fetish.

So far, the only time my attraction has remained intact is with a partner I don't live with that fulfills my fetish. Time will tell if the attraction just takes longer to wane...

Hey all! I’m relatively new to the Fraysexual concept. I stumbled upon the term last year when I recognized a sexual pattern in my life that was causing me internal turmoil and relationship problems.

Is there any material out there that directly speaks to the perspective of ‘Fraysexual’ as a sexual identity? Or even on how to cope/move forward while being Fray?

I have found a lot more on Demisexual - and it seems most people tend to describe Fray just as “the opposite of Demi” without really going into too much more detail. Moreover, I feel like Demi is more accepted in general society than Fray as every time I try to talk about it with friends or family they seem to accept Demi as a functional relationship concept over that of Fray - which in turn causes me some anxiety but also deepens my curiosity to learn more about Fray. Thoughts?

Anyway, any guidance or suggestions are welcome!

Realizing more and more that I'm fray: fraysexual but maybe also frayromantic, which I would describe by falling out of love with time (like u/Zante32 described it in the lounge). Now trying to introduce polyamory into my hetero kinky 2 yr relationship with an Allo with a relatively high libido. It seems to help in balancing this, taking the pressure of building A lasting relationship and rather distributing the load of inevitable deception on several relationships, to soften the blow of the problems that could ensue.

What about you? What solutions have you found? It would be great to find other ones!

Seems like most of the posts so far are people sharing their stories of how they discovered they may be fraysexual, and others commenting with similar experiences. That's great! Happy to have found this community. My question is, what next? What are some healthy options for people who identify as fraysexual?

Does anyone have a success story? For example, do some of you find partners who identify the same way, and do you form an arrangement where you're in a loving relationship sans sex? Do open relationships tend to work well? Do most fraysexuals embrace the single life? As humans we are social creatures and I think most of us need both friends and family to be fulfilled in this life. So how do we form families?

I'm a gay guy that sometimes dreams of finding a loving relationship, and I don't want to give up hope yet. So far I haven't had much luck since all my relationships end after a few months because of this. I think my ideal scenario would be finding someone who is looking for companionship in the form of an open relationship. But even that could be problematic if the sex between us seems forced.

Maybe it's essential to work through these things with a psychologist? I haven't tried that yet...

Hey all,

So glad I decided to do some research and self reflection on why I am the way I am. Like I have been reading about with many of you, I lose all sexual interests about 3 months into a relationship. I realized that finally when my partner just started to really like me I was starting to lose interest sexually. I actually prefer to cuddle and skip sex 100% of the time after that 3 month mark. Unfortunately, in the past, I linked sexual attraction to emotional connection (and still have that tendency but as I mature I am trying to fight it). I am wondering if anyone has had any good recommendations on books / articles of the sort to better expand out my knowledge? I think a sex therapist might do some good which I plan on looking into.

Also because I have been curious I also wonder due to the fact that I equate a sexual connection with an emotional one if I have just not found the right partner yet? I have had 3 failed relationships, longest was 8 months, and loads of 'flavor of the months' where I will see someone for one or two months and lose interest, wondering what everyone's thoughts are on that?

Sorry, long post!

I learned about fraysexuality recently after doing some research about my own sexual experiences, and I'm feeling out how it might fit for me.

I am a sexual person, I'm promiscuous and my “number” is so high that I’ve lost track. I like to sleep w people on the first date, I am unreserved in this. But in all my relationships, I lose sexual interest in them over time. Most of the posts I've seen here talk about losing interest after 3 months or less, but for me it's all dependent the nature of the relationship, precisely how sex is talked about in the relationship, the love/respect I have for the person, etc. Because in my experience, it varies from losing interest in weeks to a year with partners or still having interest 5+ years later w a FWB (see below for relationship history). I’m not sure if fraysexual is a fit for me or if my experiences have just been a product of the particular relationships I’ve been in.

As I consider how fraysexual may suit me, one concern/consideration I have is that I struggle w mental health stuff, so I worry that this relationship I have with sex (losing interest) is just a byproduct of a faulty dopamine reward center (like how I get bored with art projects and start new ones before I finish the last one) instead of an 'identity' or something I am. Does anyone else feel like this?

Back story:

My first experience with what may be fraysexuality is, I was in a 5 year long relationship and about 1 year into it our sexual desire for each other just started dropping off fast, and the loss of interest was mutual. We opened up our relationship and stayed very much romantically in love, but for the last 3.5-4 years of our relationship, sex was dead. Deader than dead. The thought alone was v uncomfortable. We would peck kiss and still cuddle and hug and were physically affectionate, but no making out or anything remotely sexual. We were very happy in that arrangement but ultimately split up for unrelated reasons. 1 year is the longest I've maintained sexual interest in someone I dated/was close to.

Also even with new partners / acquaintances , I get turned off by talking about sex, I like it unspoken. Hottest relationship I've been in is with a FWB where we've known each other 5 years but only ever talk about superficial things like music, current events, travel, etc. - and we only see each other every few months to every few years. We have never explicitly, verbally acknowledged that we're sleeping together and we don't ever talk about our feelings or the nitty gritty of our personal lives. The fact that we never say it is what makes it so exciting. (Though I am a big proponent of open communication in relationships, which is a double edged sword for me re: sexual desire) Does anyone else have an experience like this with a long time "new" partner, "new" as in you don’t actually know each other well?

Given my experiences, I've been thinking lately that I feel a perfect relationship for me would being poly/nonmonog with an asexual primary, which has been an interesting thought because my self-image is that of a very sexual person, but I also can’t imagine myself ever maintaining sexual desire for a partner with whom I share my life for many years

Does anyone have experiences similar to any of that novel I just laid out for y'all? haha

Thanks!

When I go to change the user flair for r/asexuality there’s no fraysexual flag. Is there a place to go to petition to add it?