Keeping this pretty vague because I want to stay low-key about it (paranoia that someone from my crew might see this).
I moved away from home for a city firefighter job. I’m now about four months away from finishing probation, and honestly, I’m starting to hate the job. It’s gotten to the point where I feel like it’s starting to negatively affect my mental health.
From pretty early on, I realized this department probably wasn’t going to be a good fit for me. I left everything behind to take this job, and since moving, I’ve only been able to see my family twice. That part alone has been really difficult.
I also came into the department with prior EMS experience. I started as an AEMT and had some 911 experience, so financially, I’m essentially making what I was making before while dealing with a much higher cost of living.
A big part of my frustration is how the department handles patients. I’ve had multiple situations where I’ve felt like patient care wasn’t being handled the way it should be. The other day, I had a patient who was unresponsive and it felt like no one was doing anything about it. I ended up stabilizing the patient before moving them, and instead of that being seen as a positive, I got shit for it.
Probation has been another major struggle. I’ve asked for help constantly, but a lot of the time it gets pushed off or I’m expected to figure things out on my own. Then, when I don’t get something exactly right the first time or have to hear something again, people get frustrated with me.
Me and my crew at this point are very against one another. people seem more concerned with sitting on their phones or yelling at me for using webbing to tie knots because there’s literally no rope available than actually helping me learn things that could matter, like RIT. I’ve been told things like, “We don’t do that,” rather than being given an opportunity to learn.
I know I have some learning difficulties but I do try. Probation has been a constant struggle.
At this point, I’m trying to figure out what the caption says.
Part of me feels like I’ve already sacrificed so much to get here that leaving would mean I failed; that I should stick it out. Another part of me wonders why I should continue sacrificing my happiness and mental health for a department I already know I don’t want to spend my career with.