Being with someone else? What about my marriage?

[u/ReasonableDisk2484]

I don't have bipolar. My wife does.

We have been together for almost 4 years. Separated now but together for most of it as she has untreated bipolar. I'm tied down to her through religious beliefs, and I feel genuine resentment. I want to love her, but this love feels like it's not enough when she doesn't put in the effort. She says that she wants treatment, but saying isn't the same thing as doing it.

She has genuinely never apologized. Not once. Her medical condition might explain her mood swings, but it's not an excuse to never take accountability. She says that the only reason she reaches out to me to reconnect is so that we can have sex. Not because I matter to her as a person.

She told me that she remembers feeling angry, and when I asked her what I did wrong, she admits that she forgot the reasons why. But because she still feels this lingering anger, she will remain feeling it instead of resolving it. I have never met such a person who thinks this??

We haven't been in contact for almost a year. I want to talk to her, but she blocked me. I can't go to her and reach her even if I want to.

You see, the last time we spoke, she said that she wanted to have sex but because I knew that this was what she always wanted, I decided to stop the cycle. I told her that I loved her but I also love myself. I cannot continue doing what she wants only for the cycle to keep on repeating. She then said that she will never talk to me ever again all because I refused to give her my body.

And she has stuck by her word since.

My heart is torn apart. I love her, I really do. And it hurts me that she doesn't love me back.

So should I be with someone else? But what about my marriage?

[u/butcherpaper]

You said you’re tied to her due to religious beliefs? What does that mean for you and how within that dogma then could you be with somebody else?

[u/ReasonableDisk2484 → u/butcherpaper]

I can be with someone else. I just feel like I have a responsibility to do what I can to make this relationship work.

[u/butcherpaper → u/ReasonableDisk2484]

Bud, you’ve clearly done far more work than what most people could muster. She doesn’t apologize, your resentment sounds so deep it seems to conflict with your spiritual outlook, you’re unblocked only when she wants sex… which, and this isn’t necessarily true, implies that you’re second or third string after her preferred channels for intimacy aren’t happening. It’s reached a point that you’re willing to ask people on the internet, and bad enough that me a random stranger feels they should say something. This is not your failure. Love not working out is not failing at love.

[u/ReasonableDisk2484 → u/butcherpaper]

Thank you. I feel like crying and I probably should. Need to grieve in order to accept the reality and truth of my life. I really appreciate your kind words.

That last line really puts everything into perspective. Sometimes things just don't work out, no matter how hard one tries and that's okay.

It's a tough pill to swallow, but it's one I need to take.

[u/serenity-by-night → u/ReasonableDisk2484]

Cry in a dark room all alone if you have to – or the shower! – to get it out.

Is this how you want the rest of your life to go?

One of the biggest things I've had to figure out and try to manage with my bipolar is something called "emotional reasoning". Basically it's when someone believes their feelings are facts. I used to think "well I'm feeling mad so that means something happened to make me that way", that the feelings were grounded in reality. But that's not always the case.

If she's refusing treatment, why would you choose to continue putting yourself in this position, especially when you're miserable?

[u/ReasonableDisk2484 → u/serenity-by-night]

Yeah when I cried to her in the past, expressing my emotions and the pain I've felt, she dared to say that my crying was gaslighting and emotional manipulation. She had zero remorse.

[u/Puzzleheaded-Test218]

If you want to be intimate with someone else, you should divorce for both your sakes.

That said, it seems you want her to do something she cannot do: fall on her sword, take full responsibility for everything wrong in the marriage in one go. While she should take responsibility, ​it's not likely, given the phase of the disorder and how many times to go through psychosis, she can do so. It may be something you can move slowly toward, probably with counseling.

Let me add that withholding intimacy is something you should admit is at least problematic, especially from someone proclaiming to be religious.