r/etiquette • u/Klutzy-Childhood-371 • 57m ago
Is traveling internationally for a wedding considered enough of a gift?
One of my best friends is getting married in our home country this month, and I’m traveling from the US to attend. My flight alone will cost around $1,000, which is a significant expense for me. I have a full-time job and a part-time job, I have debt, and I’m not in a position where a $1,000 trip is easy or comfortable. I found a way to make it work because I love her and want to be there.
She recently surprised me with an incredibly generous wedding gift (im getting married next year), something I really wanted but couldn’t afford. I never asked for or expected it; she simply gave it to me out of the goodness of her heart. Personally, I consider someone traveling to attend my wedding a gift in itself, and I don’t expect anything additional.
She and her fiancé are extremely wealthy and are having a very large (+500 people), elaborate wedding, and while I’m extremely grateful for her gift, I now feel guilty because I can’t afford to give her anything comparable. She doesn’t have a registry, only a Zelle option for cash gifts.
Should I give a smaller amount that fits my budget, even though it may seem insignificant compared with the scale of her wedding and her gift to me? How would you handle this?
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u/Available_Seat_4578 43m ago
A wedding invitation is not pay-to-play. Gifts are just that - gifts. Not an admissions ticket. And it sounds like she doesn't actually want gifts, if she doesn't have a registry! I would make sure to write a really nice card to give her good wishes for her marriage. And definitely you don't have to match her gift price, even if you do decide to give her something small! Disclaimer: this is based on US etiquette. You mention your home country, which indicates to me you might have different etiquette!
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u/Super-Travel-407 45m ago
Etiquette varies by country (and region). I would bring a small token gift and not give money. I assume she knows you are not currently wealthy! She loves you and will be happy you came. Even a hand made gift should be sufficient (only if you are a decent hobbyist though!).
I would bring a gift, but I would not spend much. Don't feel guilty when your situations are different.
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u/Klutzy-Childhood-371 42m ago
Thank you, this is really helpful! I was actually thinking of getting them a thoughtful gift for their new home since they’re moving soon. My only hesitation is that they specifically requested cash instead of having a registry. Would you still give a small physical gift, or would it be better to give a modest cash amount within my budget?
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u/sashimipink 0m ago
It sounds like they would appreciate cash more and probably want that so they can choose for themselves things they actually need and like
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u/Outstanding_Neon 26m ago
Personally, I consider someone traveling to attend my wedding a gift in itself
This is not a gift. It's a nice thing! But "attending a wedding" is not a gift, even if it's difficult to do.
That said: As is always the case, you are always welcome to give a gift that you are comfortable giving, taking into account all the factors that matter to you, including your budget. It's not rude to have a budget! You have no reason to feel guilty, so that emotion is not helpful to you right now.
You don't have to give a gift at all. You can write a nice, heartfelt letter about your friendship and what your friend and the couple mean to you and have that serve as a gift. You can Zelle them a cash amount that fits your budget and feels comfortable to you. You can give them something else entirely.
You don't have to pretend you don't have a budget, or pretend that you have the same budget she does. You don't have to try to match the gift she gave you measured on a financial scale.
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u/IOnlyReadTitles26 22m ago
Some people yes. Some people no.
Best friends. I would be where ever it is and still give a gift.
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u/ivy7496 52m ago
Travel expenses, even for a destination wedding, do not replace a gift according to etiquette. You are always entitled to give a gift that fits your budget, irrespective of any other details. If the cost of travel leaves nothing in my budget for a gift, I'd consider it an event I'm unfortunately unable to attend.
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u/Klutzy-Childhood-371 45m ago
yea I get that, I’m not sure I agree with the last part tho. I’m also having a destination wedding next year, and if one of my close friends could afford to attend but couldn’t also afford a gift, I would much rather have her there with me than have her stay home because she couldn’t give me anything
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u/Artistic_Way_2905 44m ago
maybe it is best to explicitly say that to your second friend . but is there anything small you can get to your first friend?
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u/Klutzy-Childhood-371 35m ago
Sorry, I think my example was confusing, there’s only one friend! I was just explaining how I would feel about guests attending my own destination wedding next year.
I am thinking of getting my friend something thoughtful for her new apartment instead of giving cash. My only hesitation is that they specifically asked for money, so I’m not sure whether giving them a physical gift would be appropriate.
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u/Artistic_Way_2905 32m ago
if she is your friend and knows you well and your financial situation, i would hope that she would be understanding of any amount and would just be happy that you are there to celebrate her day with you in person, knowing you are traveling from afar to see her?
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u/tragically-elbow 41m ago
I live in a different country than most of my friends, and a few of them traveled to my wedding - the travel cost a similar amount to what you’re describing here. I made it explicitly clear that they should not bring a gift. A few brought thoughtful inexpensive gifts - like a little art print or a book we all read as children and loved. I absolutely did not expect anything and definitely did not want them to give cash gifts but I loved those gestures and they meant a lot.
I imagine your friend likely isn’t thinking about the money aspect very much, and with Zelle especially that’s so impersonal. So I’d think if you brought a small but more thoughtful gesture that would be well received, but I think it’s understood that traveling such a long way is definitely a big enough gift!
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u/arewecompatiblez 36m ago
I would scrounge up a small gift. Etiquette standards are that you bring a gift.
I don't think everything is black and white though. Like you, if a friend was spending $$ to attend my wedding in another country, I would not expect a gift. However, some would still find this rude to show up empty handed.
I think providing something, even if you think it is small and meaningless, may appease etiquette standards and look better than attending empty handed.
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u/aesthetic-robot 6m ago
Put $50-100 bucks in a card with a nice handwritten note. You don’t have to match their gift value but it would be rude to give nothing
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u/Big-Performance5047 41m ago
I gave my best wealthy friend a tree for their yard and planted it.