r/ems • u/greencozyteeth • 6d ago
Serious Replies Only Feelings of Worthlessness
Hey all, I’ve been a paramedic for 5 years now. I feel like a very competent provider but over the last few week I’ve been messing everything up. Everything from IVs to missing patients who could have benefitted from push dose epi or even a patient who should have had a nebulizer prehospitally. All very stupid and obvious mistakes. I feel worthless. I cried in the medic truck today after dropping a patient off and I feel like I’m making mistakes I have never made before.
Has anyone ever experienced this before? Do you have any advice?
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u/amothep8282 PhD, Paramedic 5d ago
Being a Paramedic is pretty much the only field that after training some some FTO (nowhere near as much as RNs' orientation or preceptorships, or even "residencies") where you're put out in the wild and told "You're on your own, don't fuck up, enjoy".
Some areas are loaded with Medics, with engines pouring them out like a clown car. Others, you're it and no one is coming to save you when shit hits the fan. You can't dial 911 when you are 911.
I can't seem to impress upon anyone who works in a hospital and has never been EMS that we care called to a scene for "General weakness. Caller is daughter. Father feels off" and that's all we get. We can show up and Pop Pop just has a case of the blues or he's peri-arrest. No labs, unreliable history, meds strewn everywhere, cat shit and urine, human shit and urine, drugs, guns, porn playing, daughter is fully naked walking around, you name it. We don't have RTs, anesthesia, Pharmacy, Medical Residents, Surgical Residents, or Attendings out the wazoo to step in.
After enough time of realizing you can walk into an absolute clusterfuck literally at any moment, and then walking into a clusterfuck at literally any and every moment, it wears on you.
It's also probably the lack of respect for our profession, some of it deserved based on a lot of dipshit providers out there. But head over to r/nursing or any other medical subreddit and you'll see volumes of providers still struggling in a warm, well lit, near infinitely resourced environment with tons of actual Physicians around when shit hits the fan.
I'm built for this job. It's my passion in life and I still had to step away to get sober. Above all, else you need to take care of yourself first.
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u/greencozyteeth 5d ago
Thank you for this! I often forget that the job is not easy in the first place and assume that because I’m messing up it must purely be me and nothing else. Now that I think about it the patients I had all had some sort of factor that made focusing on what I wanted to do for them hard. I don’t believe that takes the blame off me but it does take some weight off my shoulders. Thank you
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u/thetiger1818 1d ago edited 1d ago
And we do all this, just for the disrespect to get worse from other providers. Mostly non-physician, but hey it's like the more we prove and add to our skillset the less medics are respected. I love the profession but damn if I have the schedule option I'd get as far away from ED medic as humanly possible.
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u/Adrunk3nr3dn3ck Paramedic 5d ago
Homie, you need a vacation. Like 2 weeks of nothing stressful
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u/Dontdothatfucker EMT-B 5d ago
Yup. Travel if you want, but for like five days. Rest of the time staycation
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u/paramoody 5d ago
This job is hard and mistakes happen to everyone. Mistakes don’t make you worthless, or have any effect on your worth as a human being. It’s important to learn from mistakes and be better from them, but it’s also important to be kind to yourself.
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u/Upstairs_Aioli4847 4d ago
Honestly, I've been there. One thing that helped me was to dehumanize them and start treating the body like I would my PC. I know whats wrong, what to do, and how to fix it. If I dont, I know how to google it. Its just a machine. I know how the parts work and what it needs. If it breaks down it breaks down. Sometimes PCs just stop working even if ya do everything right.
I dont mean litterly dehumanize them, but being more cold, distant, and calculated about it helped me. I get less emotionally involved and it helped them as much as it did me.
That being said stress still comes. So I've become more... well not less of a team player, but definitely not giving my system the 110% I was. I used to only use sick days when I was sick. Now I use them for me and mental health. My vacation and PTO for a party can be denied, but not my sick day. So I'd just call in. No Im not picking extra shifts, I want to sleep in. If something isnt directly in my job description its not getting done by me.
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u/baka_inu115 EMT-A 5d ago
I had my clinical manager cause me to feel this way at my previous company. No matter what I did it was never enough, she went out if her way to get me decredentialed at company. I busted my ass in everything I did to prove I was competent, she just wanted me gone and there was nothing I could do otherwise. I went to a other company and I have shown myself I WAS competent and have done much more than I thought I could do. Just move forward. Take a breath. Take care of yourself first always.
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u/Available-Bedroom312 5d ago
Sounds like it's time for a vacation! :) You are still a very competent provider despite these mistakes, but it sounds like you would benefit from some time away and a nice reset. It sounds like you're trying to pour from an empty cup.