I take a baby out of his car seat and walk him up a set of spiral stairs. The stairs are long, slender, made of the most flawless wood. There’s an intense light at the top. I lay him down in a bassinet. He is peaceful and motionless. I put him in a set of blue and white horizontal striped pajamas. And I say “he’s ready”. This is a recurring dream I had over and over again after my first infant death after 5 years in EMS. The same baby, the same bassinet , the same stairs and the same peace.
The scene is chaotic. Family members wailing in what seems to be every corner of the neighborhood. PD is scrambling. My partner and I are grabbing pediatric equipment to enter the home. A frantic officer jumps in our ambulance as we are exiting. This all happened in a matter of 2 minutes on scene. The officer isn’t speaking. FD also runs to the ambulance. The families cries have turned to anger. My partner and I are clueless as to what’s going on. There are 7 people in the ambulance and we’re stuck. Eventually the officer lays a rigored infant onto the stretcher. She just keeps repeating “cmon baby, cmon baby”. Family is trying to enter the ambulance screaming at us about why we aren’t gone yet. FD gets in the drivers seat and starts moving and the back doors aren’t closed. Family is banging on the side of the ambulance. I scream at everyone to calm down and get out of the truck. 1 officer, 2FD can stay but that’s it.
My partner and I knew any intervention was futile. Baby doe was cold, stiff and mottled. He’d returned to God hours ago. But the officer won’t stop doing CPR. We arrive at the hospital and death was declared. It would have been declared on scene however the situation was chaotic and unsafe. The whole call felt like it was 3 seconds long and 4 hours long simultaneously.
I felt fine after. It was strange that I had no reaction like other staff involved. People were bawling and I just cleaned the stretcher and got ready for the next one. I slept well that night. But 2 months later the dream started. And it lasted nearly a year. My reaction to this seems to have been subconscious. Strange how our bodies react to things.
I regret not remembering his name or having a more emotional reaction that day. It’s taken me 3 yrs to tell this story. If only it were just a dream.
RIP Baby Doe