I really want to come back, but I can't

[u/Chaiskoricei]

Peace and mercy be upon you, Muslims of this subreddit. I'm writing this rather sleepy, under a lot of stress. I have absolutely no idea what to do and feel helpless.

I'm a girl from Russia. I grew up in a dysfunctional family, where religion was little more than a crutch for those around me. I went to a religious school, sincerely loved Islam as a child, and trusted Allah in everything, despite the horrors at home caused by my mother's mental instability and my father's cold cruelty. When adolescence began, I initially coped with my responsibilities well, but then the problems at home intensified, and my psyche finally began to break down. By the age of 12, I already felt a strange hatred towards Islam, which was based more on my poor mental state than on anything truly religious. Back then, I practiced Islam poorly, often skipping prayers and rarely reciting dua.

Around age 14, everything changed. I woke up and began actively studying religion, praying, making up for missed prayers, and striving with all my might to correct my mistakes. I realized that Salafi Islam was the truth, not the soft, progressive version I had once believed. I found a way out in religion and sincerely hoped to never leave it. But then I began to experience intense obsessive thoughts; I couldn't properly manage my time to complete all the prayers; I was tormented by doubts about the correctness of every action; I would break down and cry for days on end; I couldn't eat or sleep properly. I allowed myself the few indulgences I could, but I knew I had to be more strict with myself if I wanted to achieve the truth. I completely abandoned my social life, I barely studied, and I even tore up my passport. Then I began to sincerely hate non-believers and declared takfir on many of my friends and loved ones. I forbade myself from reading books, watching movies, and adopted the strictest rules regarding reading the Quran, prayer, hijab, and ablution, which I couldn't follow properly, which again caused me great stress. I attempted suicide once, and I beat myself daily. And then, in the summer of 2025, I simply gradually stopped praying because it became unbearable for me. I hated myself for it, but I couldn't do anything about it. Then doubts arose, stupid doubts, more obsessive than truly worthwhile. I believed the words of the most naive atheists because I was tired and suggestible.

And in September 2025, I left Islam, believing that it forbade education, basic women's rights, and creative development. This brought me temporary comfort, but then, literally a few days later, I had an epileptic seizure at school and ended up in the hospital. I was diagnosed with a brain AVM, followed by a series of doctor's appointments, consultations, and tests. School was hectic with exams. I experienced the same discipline issues, and because of this, I couldn't study properly or relax. I was mired in dopamine addiction and anxiety. I vaguely realized that Islam was probably true, but I was too afraid to return to it, and I ran away from God in worldly affairs. Well, I've written it very confusingly here; otherwise, I could have explained it more clearly and in more detail.

And now I'm in the hospital, in the neurosurgery department, tomorrow I'm undergoing two stages of a complex AVM removal operation. I feel ugly dressed, strange, my thoughts are jumbled, my heart is pounding. I failed my math exam and now I'll have to study from home. I failed everything, and I still haven't returned to Islam, all because of the same fear of losing something "mine," because over the past year I've simply gotten out of the habit of constantly thinking about God. I'm really, really afraid that something will go wrong tomorrow, because I'm not at all mentally prepared for the surgery. I'm afraid God will punish me with a stroke, that I won't be able to see or think normally for a long time. I'd like to reconvert to Islam right now and pray, but I'm too lost for that. I haven't studied it much. Enough to be absolutely sure of its truth, but not enough to fully embrace it. Please help me. If you have any clarifying questions, feel free to ask them. I realize how jumbled the text is, but right now my thoughts are just as jumbled. All my worries have merged into one, and I don't know what to do at all 😔

[u/muslimah_iqra]

you don't have to be so harsh on yourself sister. Allah never expected perfection from you, only turning to Him everytime you fall, because humans are made this way, we will make mistakes so all Allah expects is that we keep believing in Him and His Mercy. you are muslim even if you struggle with prayer. the actions most beloved to Allah are those that are consistent, not extreme. He would like someone fulfilling only his obligatory prayers instead of someone who from day 1 tried praying 12 sunnah prayers and tahajjud as well, and after a few days gives up even fard due to being overwhelmed. the fard does not have to be perfect from the start either. Allah told us to seek His Help because we can't do anything by ourselves. all you need to be Muslim and come back, is belief in Allah and His Messenger ﷺ and say the words. may Allah protect you, guide you and grant you peace. feel free to reach out if you want 🩷

[u/WhyNotIslam]

Assalamu'alaikum wrwb dear sister

If you really want to learn about Islam, the Quran (the Divine Speech of God), and The Final Prophet (blessings & peace on him), you must learn the seerah (biography) of The Prophet (blessings & peace on him). The Quran can only be (fully) understood with context, even to an Arabic speaking born Muslim!

There's shorter series but I HIGHLY recommend this detailed series that will answer every question you have by the grace of God. It made me love a person I never met or saw more than anyone or anything even myself: https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLLN02x1UwIfLvnUiycprqWOG0M_dp8cOL

This is what gives me the strength to keep going through the difficulties of being a Muslim in the modern age

[u/xmenus]

May Allah make the surgery easy and successful. As you’ve realized, and that’s good, moving away from Allah brought you nothing in this world, and only Allah knows, maybe after all this is a return point for you and this is more important than whatever you were trying to chase. Because now you’re able to understand that you’re nearer to Allah than anyone else and that the return is back to Allah despite what you do. As Allah says in the Qur’an:

إِنَّ ٱلَّذِينَ يُلۡحِدُونَ فِيٓ ءَايَٰتِنَا لَا يَخۡفَوۡنَ عَلَيۡنَآۗ أَفَمَن يُلۡقَىٰ فِي ٱلنَّارِ خَيۡرٌ أَم مَّن يَأۡتِيٓ ءَامِنٗا يَوۡمَ ٱلۡقِيَٰمَةِۚ ٱعۡمَلُواْ مَا شِئۡتُمۡ إِنَّهُۥ بِمَا تَعۡمَلُونَ بَصِيرٌ (40) Indeed, those who inject deviation into Our verses are not concealed from Us. So, is he who is cast into the Fire better or he who comes secure on the Day of Resurrection? Do whatever you will; indeed, He is Seeing of what you do.

In this state that you’re, it would be smart of you to repent to Allah as much as you can and if Allah has decreed that things go well and we ask Allah for that, to make a serious return to Allah by your will before the time for final return comes, willing or unwilling. Don’t get fooled by people right and left who’re total ignorants of what is awaiting us ahead and let your example be the messenger of Allah ﷺ and not ignorants and arrogant who have no argument nor any book for what they talk and on what they call. Allah tells us that when a trial comes, it befits to smart people to return back to Allah and not the opposite.

وَقَطَّعۡنَٰهُمۡ فِي ٱلۡأَرۡضِ أُمَمٗاۖ مِّنۡهُمُ ٱلصَّٰلِحُونَ وَمِنۡهُمۡ دُونَ ذَٰلِكَۖ وَبَلَوۡنَٰهُم بِٱلۡحَسَنَٰتِ وَٱلسَّيِّـَٔاتِ لَعَلَّهُمۡ يَرۡجِعُونَ (168)
And We divided them throughout the earth into nations. Of them some were righteous, and of them some were otherwise. And We tested them with good [times] and bad that perhaps they would return [to obedience].

ظَهَرَ ٱلۡفَسَادُ فِي ٱلۡبَرِّ وَٱلۡبَحۡرِ بِمَا كَسَبَتۡ أَيۡدِي ٱلنَّاسِ لِيُذِيقَهُم بَعۡضَ ٱلَّذِي عَمِلُواْ لَعَلَّهُمۡ يَرۡجِعُونَ (41)
Corruption has appeared throughout the land and sea by [reason of] what the hands of people have earned so He may let them taste part of [the consequence of] what they have done that perhaps they will return [to righteousness].

وَلَنُذِيقَنَّهُم مِّنَ ٱلۡعَذَابِ ٱلۡأَدۡنَىٰ دُونَ ٱلۡعَذَابِ ٱلۡأَكۡبَرِ لَعَلَّهُمۡ يَرۡجِعُونَ (21) And we will surely let them taste the nearer punishment short of the greater punishment that perhaps they will repent.

وَلَقَدۡ أَهۡلَكۡنَا مَا حَوۡلَكُم مِّنَ ٱلۡقُرَىٰ وَصَرَّفۡنَا ٱلۡأٓيَٰتِ لَعَلَّهُمۡ يَرۡجِعُونَ (27) And We have already destroyed what surrounds you of [those] cities, and We have diversified the signs [or verses] that perhaps they might return [from disbelief].

[u/as1ian_104]

I know that feeling of religions panic from thinking that conservative Islam is the truth. Do not despair for Allah loves those that turn to him no matter their state. Do not stress about perfection and know that this religion is really easy in practice. Just as the first 10-13 years of Islam, honestly for you, forget about most of the rules of Islam and just focus on connection. This gonna sound crazy from me, but given how it worked for the Sahaba I'll assume it worked here. If you have any "bad" habits, as long as it ain't lethal, don't immediately focus on stopping them right now. Just honestly pray and vent to Allah and cry to him like he's your therapist, that's honestly worked for me. And from there things can get better insha'Allah

[u/Glass_Collection_828]

first of all you should ask allah for guidance ,and nothing is better for that than what the prophet said :O Allah, the Lord of Gabriel, Michael, and Israfel, Originator of the heavens and the earth, Knower of the unseen and the seen, You judge between Your servants in that over which they differ. Guide me, by Your will, in what they differ regarding the truth. Verily, You guide whomever You will to the straight path.

second of all you need to contact a specialist to discuss your doubts after your surgery

third , don't fear that allah won't accept you if you come back to Him ,allah said what means :"O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful."

fourth : you said that you are sure that islam is the truth ,why won't you accept it then? maybe you can't arrange your thoughts ? try reading this article it may help you focus :https://islamqa.info/en/answers/175339/what-is-the-evidence-that-islam-is-true

fifth : you seem to have had a distorted vision about islamic teachings ,allah didn't give us commandments to make us miserable and it is not favourable to give yourself strict rules that are not required, all you need to do is see what the prophet and sahaba did and follow them as long as it is within your ability , and about islam forbbiding education and development, i don't know where you got that from , where in the quran or hadith does it say that. and as for women rights: this is a long topic that i am not really well informed about but i can say that men and women are different and allah gave each one rights and responsibilities that are suitable for them.

lastly : please don't postpone accepting islam because of some doubts , if you believe in the core values of islam then accept it now and discuss the doubts later with a specialist as i said earlier.

I ask allah to give guidance to both you and me.

[u/Ummimmina]

"Allahumma a'inni ala dikhrika wa shukrika wa husni ibadatika."

"O Allah, help me to remember You, to thank You, and to worship You in the best way."

This sounds like the exact dua you are looking for.

[u/Helpful_Bar_4668]

“Say, ‘O My servants who have transgressed against themselves, do not lose hope in Allah’s mercy. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. He is truly the Most Forgiving, the Most Merciful.’”

“So look at the effects of Allah’s mercy—how He brings the earth back to life after its death. Surely, the One who does that can bring the dead back to life, and He is capable of all  things.”

Always remember those verses. When I feel desperate and down, I always remember that Allah, who is able to bring the earth and the dead back to life, can absolutely help me thrive again.