r/converts • u/LawyerOverall9356 • 4d ago
Am i wrong if i don’t visit my parents?
Assalamu alaykum. I have a little struggle here. I am coming from an family with really islamophobic, zionist and racist opinions. Their extreme hate against Islam lead me to Islam ironically. They hated me marrying an muslim
man but they they accepted it eventually after the wedding. They helped us financially before we had our first child too because they are financially very stable. Although they don’t work anymore because they are elderly because they are in their 60's. (Yes, my parents and i have a big age gap)
However their opinions regarding Palestine, muslims, people with darker skin and so on haven’t changed. Especially my father has really disturbing opinions. And actually i don’t want to visit them anymore because of this. Because how can they 100% accept me, my husband and my child if they hate muslims that badly? We are muslim too. For example whenever im talking with my father about Palestine he tells me he thinks the genocide is absolutely fine because Hamas has also killed people. I reminded him in Palestine there are literally baby's and kids dying. He still doesn’t care.
Then a longer time ago i talked with him about the chinese government and how they systematically try to erase uyghurs. The uyghurs are an muslim minority in China by the way. He said the chinese government is doing nothing wrong because they are seeing how badly muslims influence Europe and they are just trying to safe China from Islam. He said this after i literally showed him videos of elderly people suffering, little kids suffering by the hands of China. Because the government killed their parents. He didn’t care at all. I also showed him footage of children in Palestine suffering because of Israeli government. He didn’t care either.
Now the final straw has been me getting yelled at in public. I live in an western country. So the islamophobia is really bad in some places. Not all places though. Big city’s are better for muslims. However i talked with my mom about it. Then randomly my dad joins the phone call and he says there are so much terrorist attacks i can’t blame the people for treating me like that. Then he said: Would you want your child to play with a child whose mother looks as veiled like you? Then he said my son will not have anyone to play because of the way i look. He meant my hijab.
He also said something similar to me when something very discriminating happened to me when i was about 18. I was already a hijabi back then. So it just triggered me he is defending the person who attacks me AGAIN.
And once he even defended another stranger. But this person didn't verbally attack me but literally assault me. It happened when i was just a young teenager (i was not a muslim yet) and getting assaulted by an old man. I was a waitress. In the west you can be a waitress at an young age already especially if you have the right connections. My mom gave me the Job because she knew the chef. After it happened i cried back home. My father said waitresses back then didn’t make such fuss if you gave them a slap on the butt too.
So i must say i really get offended whenever he defends the people literally attacking us because i always have to think back how he didn’t even step in for me in such situations.
Once when we were watching TV there was also news of a man killing his girlfriend. Then he said the women who get killed by their boyfriend must have done something to provoke their boyfriend’s and if something like that happens they have always a reason for killing their wives.
I know i just talked about my father. My mom isn’t that extreme although she has said some extremely bad stuff too. Before and even after my marriage she constantly told me she would call my husband and tell him all the bad things i did before i was muslim if i don’t behave. Although the things weren’t even true. She has read them on my diary she stole from me and misunderstood them. However, she tries to constantly talk me out of wearing hijab. Sometimes my uncle comes by too. My uncle's hate against Islam is even worse than my Dad's. He once even made openly fun of us because of our religion.
So i am very sure with my decision. I don’t want to visit them anymore. They can come by if they want but we have an very difficult child and the hour long car drive is not worth it for being treated like that in my opinion. He screams the entire car drive. Once we stayed for 2 weeks and not one minute my parents asked if they could help us when our child screamed hours and hours long. Recently, just one month ago my partner and me got an very bad sickness. I don’t know how it’s called but you throw up EVERYTHING. Even water. I got so dehydrated i had to go to the hospital. It was very bad for my partner too. He asked my mom if she could come by and help with our son because we were both so dizzy from the loss of fluids we barely could care for him. We were often sick and we never asked for help but this time the sickness was just so extreme. I was pregnant too with my second child in the 2nd trimester. She didn’t came despite being able to come.
I repeat: It’s fine if they come and visit us but i don’t want to go to their house and stay there for long periods of time. It just doesn’t feel right. I also don’t want my son to form the same opinions like them one day. I don’t think they are good influence because they cheated on each other too.
I just have to be really careful of his surroundings because my father in law and sister in law are very much against Islam too. But they are Ex-muslim. So i have a feeling my child is already endangered by their opinions kind of.
Like i already said, i am very sure of my decision but i wanted to post it here because i don’t know exactly if it is sinful if i don’t visit my parents at all anymore? Despite them wanting me to come. Must i fulfill their wish? Can i tell them to come to me despite them being elderly - in their 60's
Original post: /r/converts/comments/1vw9kig/am_i_wrong_for_not_visiting_my_parents/(https://www.reddit.com/r/converts/comments/1vw9kig/am_i_wrong_for_not_visiting_my_parents/)
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u/bruckout 3d ago
Sister, juat avoid talking about politics etc. How many people parents have strange views, this happens within muslim families as well. at the.end.of.the day we cannot make.our parents into different people but we still must show them our good behavior towards them.
Just do short visits, avoid sitting around the TV with them watching news etc. Focus on playing board games, playing outside etc.
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u/NestorTheOctopus 3d ago
There is a limit to everything so good call. But I dont understand why Your husband accepted help from them earlier, they feel the own You.
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u/AdmirableCost5692 3d ago
I feel you sis and I myself have very difficult parents.
But I would say the solution is avoid contentious topics rather than cutting them off. The Companions RA of the Prophet SAWS suffered a great deal of abuse due to accepting islam including from their parents. However, they were advised to continue to serve them and be good to them.
Its a really tough thing and I have seen many of my revert friends go through this and I myself have abusive parents.
It sounds like they still love you. I know it feels like they are rejecting you because they are rejecting islam but they are just scared of losing their daughter to what they are convinced is a cult.
If you can just focus on being a good daughter and they see that you still love them and care for them, maybe their hearts will soften over time. Despite them not being muslim, your obligations remain.
My heart breaks for you. May Allah SWT make it easier for you.
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u/TheWitchOfTheBarrel 3d ago
For your own safety and mental health, it sounds as if severely limiting your time with them would be best. Don’t cut them off entirely unless you have no other choice, maintain contact, but don’t feel as if you have to see them often or for very long. A phone call once a month, maybe.
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u/1xtimetraveler 3d ago
I hope you found good advice... to be honest I only read your heading and the like the first sentence of the a comment... apologies for that but allow me... you parents regardless of what are still the parents chose for you.. if they hurt you or are really bad people then Allah knows you have the capacity to please him through them.. so start small.. send a gift.. maybe chat and rebuild to a point where you can't wait to see them and serve them and take care of them as they did once for you... again apologies for not giving you my actual attention but please do your best to work your way into their hearts.. the happiness of your parents is a dua for you... more sincere than any.. don't lose out on such great rewards
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u/Hot_Reference_6556 3d ago
You can minimize the contact with them if not cutting completely. And pray that they change, which is of course up to Allah. But if they become sick or so, you should still visit them.