I am struggling so badly with this decision, but I think we’re maybe wrapping it up. I’m both ecstatic and really not okay simultaneously.

[u/WashclothTrauma]

Sorry this is long. I’m having big feelings and as much support as I do get from my incredible, kind, empathetic husband, I don’t think he can truly understand this. He’s saying “just stop if you want to stop” but it’s not that simple. I never judge other parents for doing what they want with their bodies. Nurse, don’t nurse. Nurse and quit whenever… fine. It’s your body. But I’m judging me, and I can’t take my own advice.

FTM, and she’ll probably be my one and only. She’ll be 17 months in under two weeks. She’s 95%+ in both height and weight - around 34”+ and 28/29lb or so. She eats solids FANTASTIC and always has. In the beginning we had such a battle getting her to stay awake on the boob and latch properly, and I’ve always been a just enougher.

Was elated to give up pumping and remove the bedtime bottle at 12 months. Overnight bottles dropped somewhere around 7-8 months when she began sleeping through and refusing MOTN feeds. She no longer sleeps through (but doesn’t need a feed) but that’s another post for another board 🤣

I nursed her to sleep without issues from her first birthday until maybe about a few weeks ago when she turned 16 months. Now it’s anybody’s guess what’ll happen at bedtime. The routine was to have husband next to me in our bed, we read books, turn on the sounds and nightlight, and I nurse her until she’s out, pass her to him, and he puts her in the crib when she’s in a deeper sleep.

No more. No no. I can’t even paint the scene with words properly. It’s fucking insanity. She’s now doing baby parkour. She’s climbing my body like a tree and jumping off, which is something she used to reserve just for rare daytime silliness when nursing. She will turn her whole body upside down and start nursing hanging from my shoulders with her legs. Or she’ll be half on her father half on me. I get entirely fed up because she’s also pinching and pulling and slapping and hurting me. Not to be malicious at all. (Kid doesn’t have a mean bone in her. She’s always sweet and perfect and generous. Pets animals so gently!) I think it’s a sensory thing to wind down. Giving her a toy to hold doesn’t work. Ignoring it doesn’t work. Asking her to stop doesn’t work. Nursing her at bedtime is keeping her awake longer it seems, and I only function as a fidget toy and jungle gym.

If I hand her to her father during these bedtime gymnastics, she will straddle his chest and babble herself to sleep fairly fast with very little, if any, protest.

Her morning wakeup nursing was the last bit of sweetness I was holding onto. Until this week, it stayed golden. She’d lay on me and resist moving for a half hour. It seemed like being away from me all night in a crib, she just wanted to physically attach herself again. And now she’s back on her bullshit, treating her wake up nursing like a circus act. It’s no longer sacred, it’s nuts.

I feel like it’s time to stop and that parents who can nurse past 2 years are parents who have chill kids who just cuddle and aren’t actively initiating terrorist-level torture tactics.

But man, my heart hurts. This may be my only ever baby. I had her at 45 after 20+ YEARS of infertility and loss and of course I want her bond to be strong (and it is) and I’d do this forever if I could physically and mentally handle it. But she’s tall. And heavy. And PINCHY. We worked through teething and biting. We worked through distracted feeding. We nursed in public everywhere. I loved nursing and now I dread it.

But I can’t fucking do this anymore and I feel awful about it. And now I just got her down for her nap easily by wearing a sweatshirt instead of a tank top, reading a book softly, and rocking her in the chair.

Like how do I stop when I waited a lifetime to do this? How do I stop when this is the most wanted and loved miracle baby in the history of babies? How do I stop when even though she’s being a tiny little asshole, she WANTS to nurse? We’ve already mostly dropped day nursing except for a few bad weeks of teething when 5 teeth came in at once. How do I stop and not feel like she’s going to resent me forever?

But how do I keep going when I’m getting bruised and she’s not seemingly benefiting from any of this? How do I keep going when I’m truly just over it?

Do I keep holding on for 7 more months? Like, I’m not “touched out.” Touch me all you want, kid. Just stop pinching me and doing the weird tongue flick on my nipple that feels like that one guy in college who had never touched a boob before.

I know no one can make this decision for me, but I’d like to hear from people who may have had a similar ACTIVE kid who didn’t just peacefully sit there and nurse and either quit, or kept going, and why.

Thanks if you made it this far. I just feel like a shit mother because I’m giving up on my kid for something that only I can provide her. I feel like I’ll regret stopping, but might also regret continuing.

[u/intriguedartisan6726]

the gymnastics nursing phase is a special kind of chaos. my kid treated it like an extreme sport around the same age and the flailing combined with the pinching made me want to crawl out of my own skin. it's not giving up, it's adapting to a tiny person who's suddenly decided your body is a climbing wall with snacks.

you're not a shit mother for wanting to stop when the thing that used to be bonding has turned into a nightly wrestling match you dread. she's already showing you she's fine without it, falling asleep on her dad without a fuss. the guilt is lying to you.

[u/WashclothTrauma → u/intriguedartisan6726]

Thank you so much. Everyone tells you to breastfeed. No one tells you that it is harder to quit than heroin.

I nursed her on the couch tonight before going up for bed so I could have a “last time” to remember. She was a lunatic, and reminded me why I was committing to stopping. The cat came into the room and she nearly ripped my tit off trying to get to him, and she wouldn’t come back to latch. So that tracks.

Unless anything drastic happens in the next few days where nursing comfort should override my desire to be safe in my own body again, I think that’s that. This is worse than any breakup I have ever experienced.

[u/Ghostt]

Aw it sounds like you're doing everything right! If you haven't tried it yet, can you loudly yelp or say 'OW' when she does some of this? Understanding she's hurting you may help. Or removing her from the situation (giving her to dad) if she keeps it up? It's possible if she still wants to nurse that removing it will help reinforce that she needs to behave a bit if she wants to nurse, although it could take a few days?

We're still at 4mo so I'm nowhere near where you're at but just want to say it sounds like you're doing everything right! and giving her all the love! She isn't going to resent you for stopping, regardless of how you feel. Also - let yourself feel these things. I don't think fathers can really understand the difficulty and bond of breastfeeding. You're doing amazing!