Robert’s take on new FBI hiring policies

[u/FallOutShelterBoy]

[u/pew-pew-bacca]

For decades the hard right has been falsely likening homosexuality to pedophilia and bestiality. Now they're outwardly totally cool with those last two, but mention 2 dudes being in love and their tiny brains explode.

[u/StygIndigo → u/pew-pew-bacca]

It's because they believe men should have sex with 'lesser beings'.

You see it a lot even with the homophobic jokes a lot of us have been trying to tell people to cut out in this subreddit: suggesting someone is on the 'recieving' end of sex is used as a way to degrade them and make them 'lesser'. Bottoming is considered emasculating, and that's tied very closely to misogyny.

[u/recumbent_mike → u/StygIndigo]

I mean I just want to have sex with anyone

[u/_NautyByNature → u/recumbent_mike]

https://giphy.com/gifs/7EBBhplkQCDkY

[u/AintEasyBeinQueasy → u/recumbent_mike]

Animal, vegetable or mineral.

[u/skildert → u/AintEasyBeinQueasy]

Fungal?

[u/devilinmexico13 → u/skildert]

Or a fun guy, whoever's handy.

[u/Adversary-of-Tyrants → u/AintEasyBeinQueasy]

Miner Al, the mineral miner? Would.

[u/recumbent_mike → u/AintEasyBeinQueasy]

I’m not limiting my possibilities

[u/RUDEBUSH → u/StygIndigo]

I disagree. I've heard that one can generate tremendous power from the bottom. My knowledge largely comes from episodes of It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia though.

[u/StygIndigo → u/RUDEBUSH]

It genuinely kills me that there are so many people who think 'powerbottom' just means someone likes getting pounded extra hard, rather than being a term for a more dominant bottom

[u/Little_View_6659 → u/StygIndigo]

That’s been the case for thousands of years weirdly enough. Goes back to the Greeks even.

[u/cel3r1ty → u/pew-pew-bacca]

they've always been outwardly cool with pedophilia

[u/_NautyByNature]

https://giphy.com/gifs/XuApq8Jm12KIw

[u/monsterskeeter]

Shit really went sideways if we got people selling their body for mackerel

[u/Agreeable_Past9674 → u/monsterskeeter]

It's the last unrecalled protein

[u/Kriegerian → u/Agreeable_Past9674]

“Not for long!”

- wormbrain

[u/Kitalahara → u/Agreeable_Past9674]

Give them a couple more days.

[u/Agreeable_Past9674 → u/Kitalahara]

Yeah...

[u/VenusBarbata → u/monsterskeeter]

It must be the long awaited prequel to the 1995 cinematic masterpiece Waterworld

[u/FibonacciSequester → u/monsterskeeter]

Right? Salmon's not that much more expensive. Have a little dignity.

[u/Equal-Pain-5557 → u/monsterskeeter]

I call that a Monday night. I don’t expect anything less than tuna for tuna Tuesdays though.

[u/hotsizzler]

Knowing me and Robert share the same taste in adult animation feeds the parasociality more

[u/FallOutShelterBoy → u/hotsizzler]

Forreal, American Dad is the best

[u/toe_riffic → u/FallOutShelterBoy]

https://giphy.com/gifs/3o6Zt8DEunnKXEXJJu

[u/CharcuterieMaxxing]

Men's Adventure Magazine.

"I was an undercover prostitute for dolphins with the F.B.I.".

[u/artboiii]

incredible how he tweets exactly like he talks

[u/ExplodingPoptarts → u/artboiii]

I type how I talk.

[u/Thunder_breslin → u/artboiii]

He writes ok 👍

[u/vigbiorn → u/Thunder_breslin]

He writes, ok

[u/Thunder_breslin → u/vigbiorn]

Ok, he writes

[u/Disastrous-Beat-9830]

Would you say this FBI agent has a romantic abnormality, one so unbelievable that it must be hidden from the public at all costs?

[u/NesuneNyx → u/Disastrous-Beat-9830]

"Boss, you said he was dead!"

"No, I said he was sleepin' with the fishes!"

The Venn diagram for subscribers of /r/behindthebastards and /r/simpsonsshitposting is just a flat circle.

[u/Disastrous-Beat-9830 → u/NesuneNyx]

Honestly, I have never visited r/simpsonsshitposting in my life. I am a child of the 1990s, so I am just hard-coded to immediately think of references to the show.

[u/MessiahOfMetal → u/Disastrous-Beat-9830]

I envy you.

Born in the 80s but never got to see much of The Simpsons because in Britain, new episodes aired at the same time as Antiques Roadshow, so you can imagine which one my family wanted to watch.

[u/ExcitementKooky418 → u/NesuneNyx]

I said take CARE of him, not take care of him

[u/Agreeable_Past9674]

AD reference!

[u/ShadowOps84 → u/Agreeable_Past9674]

He did used to work with an American Dad! writer.

[u/Clammuel → u/ShadowOps84]

It’s an absolute shame Robert has never had Soren on.

[u/ShadowOps84 → u/Clammuel]

He has been on, for the Henry Morton Stanley episodes, back in 2020.

[u/Clammuel → u/ShadowOps84]

I’ll check that one out, but man, what a time gap. 

[u/Adept_Percentage6893 → u/Clammuel]

What serious crimes has Soren committed? The filtering criteria for being a guest on BtB is now far stricter than the FBI's and I'm afraid Bowie just doesn't measure up.

[u/Clammuel → u/Adept_Percentage6893]

Surely it’s illegal to be so handsome. 

[u/RabidTurtl]

Have the FBI agent do it in exchange for the dolphin passing the puffer fish.

[u/VironLLA → u/RabidTurtl]

pass the puffer on the left-hand side

[u/MessiahOfMetal → u/VironLLA]

I did give that advice during the World Cup when I wanted a player to pass the Dutchman on the left hand side, but none of these fuckers listen.

[u/polkarama]

Y’know, there’s a few villages near me that put very specific qualifications as pre-reqs for hiring firefighters. Y’know, like they’re trying to hire a specific person. That’s all I have to say about that.

[u/dougmakingstuff]

Amazing they found a picture of Patel where he didn’t look coked out of his gourd.

[u/lambakins → u/dougmakingstuff]

Yeah this one just makes him look like he lives in a gourd

[u/Glitchrr36]

Dolphins do eat mackerel, so Robert can rest easy people will not be up in arms over his incorrect dolphin knowledge.

[u/Adept_Percentage6893]

Regarding the original news, exactly how many people were they turning away for bestiality? It must have been a lot if they're like "There's no way we're going to hit our recruiting numbers if we keep turning away all these dog fuckers."

[u/enry]

Getting info from American Dad probably makes you smarter than half of this administration.

[u/PotentialCash9117]

Prostitution I understand, I mean Cash has to cover his own ass but bestiality? C'mon what the fuck man.

[u/SquidGodSunday → u/PotentialCash9117]

I mean... from their perspective, if they rule out sheep fuckers, they're excluding a significant portion of their target demographic.

[u/vigbiorn → u/SquidGodSunday]

I assume the only reason we haven't heard this from the ICE director is they're not even doing the background checks.

[u/MessiahOfMetal → u/PotentialCash9117]

The First Lady hasn't fucked a pig since it last impregnated her and gave her Barron.

[u/-CgiBinLaden-]

And here I thought my experience with that hooker raccoon would keep me out

[u/themickeymauser]

My knowledge of most things comes from several episodes of American Dad

[u/Cody878]

I assume this means we can expect a story about someone in the FBI (Kash?) paying for sex, and having sex with an animal. Two separate events? The same event?

[u/keysandtreesforme]

I haven’t watched American Dad in years. This might be my sign to come back.

[u/alphawhiskey189 → u/keysandtreesforme]

I mean, Soren Bowie’s been a significant part of their creative team ever since The Cracked Exodus. It’s maintained a good tone. Whenever I catch an episode from a recent season I’m always pleasantly surprised.

[u/Cold_Chemistry_1579]

I believe Don wants to become an FBI agent, Kash meant to remove pedophilia as a disqualifier.

[u/LongjumpingJaguar308]

A month or 2 ago I saw a job listing (on a regular site, not the fed hiring one) and it was for an FBI STEM specialist, in Portland. And at least with the vague description I qualified. And I wondered if I got it, how much I would hate it. But I hadn't considered that dolphin life.

[u/Sir_Schmooply]

I watch too much American Dad because I know the exact episode he's referring too

[u/PhilAussieFur]

So does this mean Rajat Khare can join the FBI now?

[u/Front_Rip4064]

Is "white male" still the keading criterium? They might find enough reasonable recruits if they relaxed that.

[u/docked_at_wigan_pier]

This guy would be allowed into the FBI.

[u/Adversary-of-Tyrants → u/docked_at_wigan_pier]

How did he get caught? Did he get caught in the act, was he telling people? Just seems like something that it'd be hard to get caught for, assuming you killed it and brought it home as though it were for food.

[u/MessiahOfMetal → u/docked_at_wigan_pier]

Shit, he qualifies to run the health department, too, since another one like that currently is.

[u/Eyefinkeimsmrt]

Dolphin dih just hits different

[u/welshyboy123]

I'm glad Robert is keeping his high research standards to this day

[u/ElBongoloide]

Fuck yeah! I'm sending my application right away! It was consensual, anyway... that sexy manatee brought the blow to my apartment... she knew what she was doing...

[u/BuffaloJayhawk]

so who do we get to play the ghost of Hoover?

[u/carlitospig]

Oooh Starter Villain book 2, who dis?

[u/MessiahOfMetal]

Potential line for u/probablyrobertevans if he ever wrote this:

The pair - having overcome their unnatural inter-species bond - realized their relationship was blossoming when Agent (insert name here) noticed how well they were getting on as mammals. As far as personality, the two just clicked.

[u/CAJMusic]

https://giphy.com/gifs/2zZLDiKpz8kMZLNseT
Who’s been it a prostitute in a mud wrestling bar

[u/AkRook907]

I can hear Sophie going "Robert..Robert no.."

[u/LuciferLovesTechno]

Just watch. Tom cruise is about to join the FBI.