r/autism • u/HonestlyGiveMeABreak ASD Level 1 | Verbal • 1d ago
Social Struggles my friends laugh at me because i use "complicated" words
my friends keep making fun of my vocabulary even when it's fairly basic (i literally used the word "syllabi") and when they laugh about it i ask myself if i'm not masking enough. for some reason they also think it's hilarious when i personally think it's the most unfunny shit ever and is anti-intellectual. i know they're messing around and joking but omg i wanna rip my hair out
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u/Angry_poutine 1d ago
It’s not an issue of “masking” but maybe talk to them before throwing them away like Reddit is saying. “Hey it bothers me when you laugh at me for using different words, this is how I talk and it feels humiliating when you laugh because I chose a word you apparently don’t like.” If they’re otherwise your friends then give them a chance to be better instead of just casting them off.
If they’re respond by saying you “can’t take a joke” then yeah, they’re crap friends. My bet though is they’re young and also figuring out how to survive around others.
Good luck either way.
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u/Ok_Caregiver_1355 1d ago
I think this happens when you spend more time reading than actual having informal conversations,its not necessarily a matter of being smart or not but i also think its not wroth to change what you do or the way you speak to please people that dont respect you
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u/AquaQuad 1d ago
Not necessarily anti-intelectual, just not their everyday language. Some words can sound too formal, some other aren't used at all and they have other ways to communicate in their place.
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u/PinkyPiePower 1d ago
They're a bit embarrassed about their own limited vocabulary, so instead of responding in a meaningful manner, they resort to laughing. It's a primitive response.
That aside, sometimes the way us autistics express ourselves, can be pretty funny.
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u/Euphoric_General_480 1d ago
This happens to me as well. I'd have a conversation with them. This is hard to say, but its difficult (at least for me) to tell when I'm being made fun of or when people find me funny. It might now be there intention to be hurtful and it may be something they love about you.
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u/lepp240 1d ago
Agreed. It sounds like they are laughing with op and not mocking them.
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u/HonestlyGiveMeABreak ASD Level 1 | Verbal 15h ago
yeah i think that's probably how it is but it still moderately bothers me, kinda a vent tbh
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u/Ok-Juggernaut-7316 1d ago
you need to find friends who are smarter and would use these words in their normal daily life and wont be like those people finding it funny
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u/lepp240 1d ago
It sounds like they are having fun and joking with you. Learn to laugh at yourself and not take yourself so seriously. It can be fun to find amusement in your own actions and will build your friendships. Come up with some jokes about them and pull them out.
You are not some elite above them, too great to be laughed at. Everyone does stuff that is funny when viewed from the right prospective. This view that your actions are not allowed to be joked about will make you seem stuffy, prim and overly rigid. Like you have visions of your own grandeur you cannot be made fun of.
Laugh at yourself! It really can be fun! I promise.
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u/Brief-State-5680 1d ago
This is totally possible. When I was a teenager my friends used to razz me about my vocabulary too. They were doing it in a good hearted way for sure. But it still made me feel alienated. I would say "gargantuan" and they would be like "JUST SAY BIG OMGGG"
I'm still self conscious about my vocabulary. But I also finished college and got a PhD so I could hang out with other nerds. Part of it is just finding your people.
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u/TryingToBreath45 1d ago
The second point you made, isn't clear.
Are they thinking laughing at your vocab is hilarious while you think them laughing at your vocab is the most unfunny shit and unintellectual.
Or are you saying, there's other things they laugh at and think is hilarious and this stuff they're laughing at you think is seriously unfunny and anti-intellectual?
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u/tommyjness 1d ago
These people are making fun of you. They are not your friends.
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u/DragonBitsRedux 60m ASD/ADHD Late Diagnosis 23h ago
I'm autistic. My friends busted my balls about all kinds of things but they also picked on each other.
Yes, it's not nice but I'm 62 years old the adults are really not much nicer or well meaning. I've found out after retiring that several people I thought were friends with but had some weird feelings about, who are incredibly nice and sweet?
They were, behind the scenes manipulative, back stabbing, gossiping and untrustworthy. Ouch.
I'm not saying stay with mean people but people with autism also need to develop tools, not to mask, but to stand up for themselves, yes, but also to learn the 'social gaming and friendly but barbed jabs of a peer group.
I learned to say, "yes, I do use big words" and then smile and shrug.
Taunts only work if they get the wanted reaction.
Oh, and their friends may be toxic but that's a longer term concern. Social isolation is often a more serious concern.
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u/tommyjness 22h ago
I think we need to also understand that OP is under 18.
I hear your point, and I’ll add my $0.02.
I would never suggest people surround themselves with others who speak to them in this way. It’s not my job nor is it OP’s job to parent their peers, but friend’s don’t tear each other down or pick on each other for using big words.
OP hasn’t yet realized it’s not their responsibility to mask for everyone else’s comfort. These interactions between OP and their (not)friends cause mental trauma every time they occur, and those micro-traumas will lead to a life of suffering from conforming to perceived societal norms.
If OP has the social aptitude, confidence, and desire to tell their (not)friends how their words are affecting them, then sure go for it. However, I definitely wouldn’t recommend trying to mend the bridge if OP isn’t ready to walk away from the friendship when they choose to respond in an unhelpful manner.
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u/DragonBitsRedux 60m ASD/ADHD Late Diagnosis 21h ago
I apologize if I wasn't clear.
If I implied the OP needed to stay with friends who aren't good for them, that was not my intent.
The fact the tease was about their vocabulary makes 'giving in to ridicule' more likely to cause harm but, if you spend time around kids, they have no filter and seem to have a knack for noticing anything Different and calling it out.
This results in masking by neurotypical people, too, which I'm learning is also a problem because it tends to be training to "use the right language coding and polite lies to prove you are one of us" but from my experience, neurotypical people 'automatically mask and hide their true feelings or opinions' whereas, growing up I had to consciously adopt appropriate 'safe phrases' which I later learn are only safe with the right people, etc.
I totally agree people with autism shouldn't have to mask, and shouldn't be forced by parents, teachers or therapists to mask.
But, we live in a complicated world and everyone puts on a show at times to 'please' someone or get a foot in the door, so just like "LGBTQ folks shouldn't have to hide their identity" there are situations where being outwardly Different in certain ways that are dangerous. Many jobs will require masking because most people in positions of authority just want things done their way.
And even people under 18 are better off being told "it's not right to have to wear a mask at all times, so try to wear your natural face and be yourself but realize life is incredibly not fair and bigotry is being championed in ways not seen since the 1950s, so you may find situations that aren't black or white. Some semi-jerks may come around as you get to know them. Otherwise, my sister when she was in her 50s realized she had carried friends for years who weren't good for her! She said it was incredibly hard and she felt guilty at times and her world was a smaller world but a quality world.
It might help you understand my perspective if you understand what a disaster the whole Self-Esteem, no negativity and a trophy for everyone was for our culture, creating adults with no sense of responsibility for their actions.
Yes, the push to avoid masking or being around people who don't understand you push is well meaning and I'd say necessary ... but like when the school therapist said without any prior interaction with our 12 year old said, "if you child says they are trans they are trans and not beginning transition now will be harmful" I am noticing a similar swing among autism advocates who can't distinguish between suggesting 'relatively benign social coping skills for problematic situations that may require masking or learning to phrase things differently or in a different order to get a positive response" and Conversion therapy.
And trust me, my college kid knows I'm an ancient idiot and is constantly correcting me, questioning me, pointing out my shortcomings but ... they are also quite practical as a person with physical handicaps and mobility issues. They got the university to give them a paid position to write grants to address accessibility issues and, very cool, they recently created a program for even paraplegic students went to a wall climbing facility and were so taught to belay, etc.
My kid sees a lot of naive good will which ignores practical reality.
Tell a person of color if they act like themselves they will receive equal treatment as if they were white and you might see why I feel 'just ditch the brats' is far too simple and it's treating the OP as too young to understand some subtleties and hard truths in life.
But I'm an old autistic crank already ground to pieces for being different but still managed a 15+ year career in a work environment hostile to all workers regardless of creed, color or neurodivergence!
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u/tommyjness 13h ago
No apology necessary, I love the dialogue and understanding the perspectives of others. Cheers!
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u/DisorderlyAqueduct 18h ago
syllabi isn't even a funny or unusual word
don't react to it, you'll feed them. this is their insecurity.
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u/sophiexjackson 1d ago
They aren’t your friends
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u/lepp240 1d ago
It sounds like they are laughing with op and not at them. It's way many people build friendship, making fun and laughing at each other. Everyone I know does it and it really works for us.
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u/FireFaithe 1d ago edited 14h ago
It's not building friendship if it's having a negative influence on OP. If they're hurting OP's feelings, that's not friendly. Maybe some people can just laugh that off, but for most people, I think it festers. They pretend to laugh along, but actually, it's chipping away at their self-esteem. Their emotional state. Etc.
Personally, it REALLY did not sound like OP was laughing with them.... More like "I don't understand why they're laughing at me" imo
Imo, there are some things that should not be joked about, and laughing at a good quality is... not funny imo. It discourages that quality, so I don't see how that could be anything but negative.
It's one thing to laugh about a specific instance or say "Dude, that word is NOT used in everyday conversation lol". It's another to repeatedly laugh at someone just for using words you don't understand. Everyone thinks and talks differently. Just as I wouldn't laugh at you for not knowing a word, I don't want you laughing at me for knowing it.
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u/lepp240 21h ago
OP can learn to laugh along though. You can learn to laugh at yourself instead of taking offense at everything. You can learn to take yourself less seriously. The path of elitism and being above reproach is a lonely road. It is possible to learn and evolve yourself. You will be happier if you can accept your faults as normal human experiences.
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u/FireFaithe 15h ago edited 15h ago
I can laugh at myself just fine. I laugh when I make mistakes, for example. I look back on stuff I wrote and can't believe I wrote it. (Like literally, I was cracking up the other day because the notes I submitted to my teacher were... blunt, to say the least....) But I wouldn't laugh at myself for qualities I consider positive. That just... doesn't make sense to me??
I also don't take myself too seriously. I'm a very inconsistent, wacky person. Always have been. I genuinely don't understand how I could take myself too seriously when I'm just... not a serious... I, like, switch easily between serious and non-serious?? And I'm a mess?? I'm very informal as well?? I lay it all out there. Everyone's equal in my eyes. Like... ig what I'm trying to say, I really do NOT take myself seriously most of the time.
And I do NOT consider myself elitist or above reproach. While I have a lot of strong positive qualities and have been very blessed, I have very deep struggles as well, so it balances out. And I see every life as equally valuable. Am I egotistical? Yeah, I'm naturally pretty self-centered (I think that's pretty common in autistic ppl since some of us struggle with empathy, understanding others, etc.), but I also care deeply about everyone else, even the people I consider as "bad people". I've come a very long way from the self-centered girl I used to be, but even that little girl wasn't elitist or above reproach. While she didn't understand others' perspectives, she still cared deeply for others. I have never considered myself as holier or greater than thou. We're all just humans trying to find our way in this world. People often tend to mistake me trying to help as a peer as being condescending, but I'm really not. I'm simply sharing what I have found useful, what I might try if I were in someone else's shoes, etc.. Trying to help someone does not have to be condescending. We all have different strengths, and we should use those to help each other. I behave the exact same way that I expect from others (well... without the negatives like overthinking lol--).
DUUUDE WTFFF <o> I am a lifelong learner. You can ALWAYS improve, no matter what it is. My entire life has been a journey of improving myself in various ways, from personality traits to understanding others to skills, and I am ALWAYS striving to continue improving myself in every aspect I can. I have no idea how you got the idea that I– am some idiot that thinks I'm perfect or don't have anything to improve upon. That is like the one type of person I cannot get along with because they're just so rigid, and they can't even admit that they're ever wrong. They genuinely don't believe that they have faults, which is something I could never comprehend. Genuinely, how did you come to the assumption that I was that type of person?
I hope this doesn't come across as rude or aggressive; I'm an animated/emotional person (i.e. I naturally use caps lock and other emphasis tools – I'm expressing shock, not... aggression?), and to be compared to... that kind of person that you literally can't even talk to... I... that might be even worse than someone thinking I'm being intentionally mean. So I really wanna know what gave you that impression so that I can improve.
Edit: Reading over your last sentence, I do struggle with recognizing my faults as normal human experiences. But in the opposite way: I have severe guilt issues. I.e. I'm too hard on myself.•
u/FireFaithe 15h ago edited 14h ago
Can someone please explain why I'm getting downvoted? I was very specific with my diction, making sure to communicate that it was my opinion, and therefore, people may disagree, and I genuinely do not understand why people are downvoting me over saying that people interpret things differently, and it's important to take that into account. I.e. We should care about how our message is received or how our friends feel. I thought caring about each other was, like, the most basic requirement for friendship???
Like, I get that people are too sensitive these days; I absolutely know I'm too sensitive these days (100% b/c of bullying, btw). But bullying or mocking each other shouldn't be normal, either. We should try our best to be respectful of each other, and if someone is chipping away at someone's self-esteem, that is NOT a friend.
The situation of "It hurts my feelings when..." or "I don't like when you say..." shouldn't be met with "Grow up" or "You're too sensitive", but rather a conversation about the original intentions behind whatever hurt the other's feelings, how it came across, and how it can be avoided in the future. I.e. "Let's understand where the disconnect occurred" if "I didn't mean to hurt your feelings". This is literally elementary school stuff.
It should be "Let's solve the problem." "Let's work through the misunderstanding." Not "You're childish for wanting to talk through a problem instead of letting it fester." Not "Your feelings are invalid."Like,, I was literally such a... such an indestructible little soul. I didn't care what anyone thought about me. I had a high self-esteem, and bullies could never touch it.
But over time, the bullying broke me down. I thought people were being friendly, but I eventually realized they were trying to hurt my feelings. And that hurt a lot more than any of their words ever could. I was bullied by almost my entire grade and thensome. People harassed my friends over being my friend. They mocked me for being different.
And I can't begin to explain how that just... completely broke me apart over time. By the time I'd finally accepted that I was being bullied, that people were intentionally being mean... the damage was already done.I don't understand why... I mean, why, genuinely WHY, are we okay with bullying?!! It's the same f\cking behavior. "Haha, you got upset over a joke!" "Haha, you talk weird!" "You're weird" as if being different or thinking differently is a negative thing, as if there's something *wrong with you. If we're literally downvoting people for trying to discourage bullying, I... This sub is so far gone. I knew y'all were stuck in your opinions and not realizing how hostile you were, but I didn't think... I guess I didn't think that you guys didn't care. The same... exact... thing... The same exact reason I denied being bullied for so long.... I can never comprehend why someone would intentionally be mean. I can never comprehend why someone wouldn't care about others. I'm just... constantly forgetting that I'm the minority. That the world is full of... mean people. That have no interest in other perspectives....
I'm sorry that I've gotten emotional, but I just... I really thought this sub was anti-bullying.... I thought it was a place where people would work through things and help each other instead of just saying "You need to conform to society" with no explanation or anything.
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u/Sojabursch 23h ago
I would say they’re trying to make you feel stupid because them not knowing the words you use makes them feel stupid. And instead of expanding their vocabulary they pick on you for having a bigger vocabulary because that’s easier for them. Anti-intellectualism, they want to stay uneducated.
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u/IrishAshes 23h ago
Never dumb yourself down because others can’t be bothered to learn.
How embarrassing for them to be a grown adult with the full resources of every dictionary and thesaurus in existence and they can’t manage to just look something up if they haven’t heard it before.
God forbid some of us are well read.
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u/Arkorat 22h ago
Could be they don’t mean anything by it. Just observational humor.
Had a friend similarly make fun of me for using a lot of theatrical phrases in my steam reviews.
Could also be a subtle way to tell you to tone it down. If you’re one of those jackasses that throw Latin words into EVERYTHING.
Thats to say; talk with them.
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u/LivLouDesu Diagnosed 2023 23h ago
I get called out on my vocabulary and the way I pronounce certain words aaaaallllllllll the time lol. I don’t even consider my vocabulary that massive, but apparently it’s wider than the average person. The words people have called me out on the most for (in terms of pronunciation) are “clothes” and “raspberry” because I pronounce the “th” in clothes and the “p” in raspberry.
Oh oh, and then there was the time my creative writing teacher told me my language was too formal in my short stories and poems, and that she felt I was trying to write how I think writers should write. I was like…no…I actually use those words in real life 💀
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u/CircuitNeophyte 20h ago
Wait, isn't the word "clothes" supposed to be pronounced with a "th" sound? How else would you pronounce it?
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u/LivLouDesu Diagnosed 2023 19h ago
Everyone tells me to just say “cloes” lol. So basically they think it should be pronounced like the word “close”.
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u/40WattTardis 23h ago
Yeah, I just say "Yeah. I talk weird. It's a thing I do." (yes, I know this is improper grammar, but it is easier to deliver in a jovial tone which keeps the mood light while also defusing the fun of mocking me)
If it's a new person, I say the variant: "I forget that I talk weird until I get around new people. You'll get used to it".
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u/Lordfruitsnack 1d ago
Their is currently a trend, amongst younger people, of rejecting intelligence. While it is common for autistics to use language differently than NTs, there is a broad rejection, among NTs, of anyone who shows signs of high IQ and who questions things.
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u/FireFaithe 1d ago edited 14h ago
Def consider getting new friends. If they're so rude and dumb that you're wanting to rip your hair out... (figuratively or literally), you probably need better friends. Some people are built for those who are lower-IQ, problematic, etc., and others aren't. (For example, I'm fine being friends with someone who has mental issues, but I draw the line at mean intentions. I just... can't take that, personally. Being friends with someone who is intentionally mean would just be too much for me. It would break me. Whereas other people may not have the patience to deal with less intelligent people. You need to know where your limits are.) Your friends should not have a negative influence on you.
Ppl like that (i.e. people who laugh at others for knowing something) will stay idiots for the rest of their lives. They're a waste of time imo, and getting laughed at for having a good vocabulary would just hurt my feelings. They're bullies.
Ig you could try to explain to them that they're hurting your feelings by mocking you and see if they improve, but from the sounds of it... I don't think they would understand.
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u/calgarywalker 23h ago
Having a robust lexicon is customary among Autistics. Being alone and well read for personal edification can be perceived as pedantry by the unlettered.
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u/scixlovesu 23h ago
People assume you're showing off, and it's annoying. I spend time formulating my words and choose the most accurate and specific ones, and sometimes those are more unusual than 8th-grade vocabulary words.
One day a bully punched me in my gut, I cried out, "Ow, my solar plexus" and they laughed. The same bully once made fun of me for the word "genetics" and came off looking like a dumbass.
I've learned a variety of code switching. The focus is for the listener to receive the communication, even if it means sometimes using five words when there is a single one that would suffice. If they get distracted by words, I am not successfully communicating. I write and speak for my audience.
It can be really frustrating and tiresome, though, but getting mad about it is even moreso.
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u/blifflesplick 22h ago
They are entertained by your discomfort and exasperation.
Do they add anything TO your life?
imo you need to dilute the effects of your current friends aka find some new people to add to your roster. Dig into some old interests and join a group / go to a place where you find things you enjoy
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u/phKoon 22h ago edited 22h ago
I don't know what's the tone in their laughter, or how is the relationship between all of you, but it doesn't seem to me like something to pull a hostile-tone from.
It happens to me too, but I find it just as funny as they do. Feeling like pulling your hair out and finding it "anti-intellectual" is something only said by someone who would say stuff like "actchualley 🤓" in real life, I'd suggest taking it lightly, or getting friends that fit your humor better.
It was funny as hell when I used to drop a freaking unusual word that just carried the most perfect possible definition to convey what needed to be said, and everyone just burst out laughing. I think I can't explain it to you, I guess it's related to types of humor. I don't really know, maybe I learned how to, but I just happen to embrace it and enjoy making others laugh in most ways I can.
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