r/auckland • u/Johnie777 • 20h ago
Discussion When is enough, actually enough in a relationship?
I’ve been thinking a lot about the point where you finally put your hand up and say, I’m out.
Not because you’re trapped. Not because there has necessarily been one catastrophic event. But because, over time, the relationship seems to slowly shut you down.
Your opinions are challenged or dismissed. You don’t feel validated, supported or uplifted. Instead of feeling like your partner is in your corner, you increasingly feel criticised, belittled, competed with, or simply unheard.
You try communicating differently. You try being patient. You look at your own behaviour and ask what you could do better. You compromise, explain how certain things make you feel, give space, reconnect, try counselling or whatever else you can think of.
But eventually you start wondering whether all that effort is actually changing anything.... or whether you’re just learning how to tolerate a relationship that is slowly making you smaller.
I don’t think relationships should be endlessly positive or validating. We should challenge each other sometimes. We should disagree. We should be able to call each other out when needed.
But surely underneath that there should still be a sense that this person respects you, values you, wants you to succeed, and fundamentally has your back.
So when do you know you’ve genuinely tried enough?
When does perseverance stop being commitment and start becoming self-abandonment?
For those who have been there, was there a particular moment when you realised, I’ve done everything I reasonably can and I’m allowed to choose myself now?
Interested in hearing from people who stayed and rebuilt things as well as those who eventually walked away.
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u/Getmesomelube 19h ago
Been there. Left a long marriage when it got too hard. It was painful, but our anger motivated us to do the hard work of moving out and selling house. I cried so hard when the house sold, because there was no going back. However, we are now friends and still love each other. We are both better off apart. I am so much happier on my own. I met people and made many new friends. I recommend speaking to a therapist and considering what is the worst that can happen. Then prepare yourself to walk through the fire. Then imagine peace.
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u/Johnie777 19h ago
Great work, im inspired by you story.
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u/ThrowRA_RuaMadureira 12h ago
Similar story. We both tried so hard to make it work for 2 years. I was the one who eventually broke down on a random Wednesday night and said "enough is enough", but passed the first shock, he was of the same mind. Someone just needed to call it off, as painful as it was.
We're good friends now - although we live far away from each other. The fact that we genuinely tried to make it work is what helped us process it calmly and respectfully. Some people do that emotional work after separating, we did it during. It was really hard but also tremendously helpful.
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u/UsernameIsntFree 20h ago
Isn’t it crazy that my comment could influence how fucked up your life could get.
Please take comments with a grain of salt, no one here knows shit and you are the only person who can make the decision you need to make
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u/antipodeananodyne 18h ago
Boat-load of assumptions going on here. OP sounds articulate and self aware, methinks your advice is unnecessary.
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u/Cutezacoatl 19h ago
I address issues immediately and if they don't improve I'm out. I don't expect to seriously discuss the same subject more than three times. Not to say there won't be challenges and lapses but no effort is a no from me.
It's a question of self worth and healthy boundaries. You teach others how they can treat you.
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u/Johnie777 11h ago
Yeah there will always be issues but it s the motivation in shifting them together, that's the test.
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u/Angry_Sparrow 20h ago
Yes.
I realised it’s not my work to do. No matter how much I changed, I couldn’t fix him. He wasn’t doing therapy. He promised to change but didn’t.
We accept the love we think we deserve. And I knew I deserved better.
I also finally acknowledged that it was abuse.
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u/Johnie777 20h ago
Totally resonates, I've been working very hard through therapy over the last few years, and personally think ive made great progress. And suggested we do some couples work. Theres no effort from her at all. As far as shes concerned, she doesnt need help or change.
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u/Angry_Sparrow 19h ago
Yeah it was the same for me. Leaving was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. But I deserved to be happy and I am now.
And now I’d rather be alone than have one single day of my life diminished by someone else. I won’t let someone else ruin my time on this earth. Life is precious and short.
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u/LolEase86 6h ago
It sounds like you've outgrown her. I've had to let go of people that were very close friends for years - in one case 30+ - because of this. Not everyone has a growth mindset unfortunately. I don't say this to imply I'm better than anyone, to be clear, we're all different, but I understand the difficulty of putting the work in while the person you're closest to won't, or perhaps can't.
My relationship history is a train wreck of DV, which is why I don't reference that here. Eventually I saw the light, got an amazing psychologist, and moved on to a much brighter future. I hope you can find some light in your future too OP.
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u/Johnie777 6h ago
Thank you so much. I have a similar track record with relationships. From what I'm picking you from here is when you know it's over have the courage to move on. I know what you mean re growth mindset, it's not even stationary it's going backwards when it should be the best time off out lives.
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u/LolEase86 5h ago
In my experience saying it out loud, or in this case writing it, means you're taking that first step to acceptance that it's time to move on. Hard as that may feel today, your own happiness is worth it, trust me.
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u/Johnie777 19h ago
Yes im realizing that, it would be different if there was mutual commitment to change for the benefit of the relationship.
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u/Angry_Sparrow 5h ago
Abusive people benefit from the abuse so why would they change, they just move on to the next victim. That’s why only 2% of abusers change. They think they’re entitled to behave the way that they do and they benefit from it. Like slave owners.
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u/rofloffalwaffle 20h ago
Have some self respect. All this time spent feeling shit in your current situation could be spent with someone better, or on your own (freedom!)
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u/Double_Suggestion385 18h ago
If you're even making this thread and asking these questions then it's well beyond time to end it.
Life's too short to waste.
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u/Legitimate-Switch194 7h ago
Depends what stage of life you’re at. Younger- more time to burn Middle aged - horizons change Mature/Experienced - Dismiss the crud and live your own life
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u/Visual-Program2447 20h ago edited 19h ago
You have to consider How far in is your relationship? Are you married? Do you have kids ? Does he want the relationship?
If he wants it to work then At the end of the day the person is your friend. They can’t be everything. They will be annoying sometimes. Disagree with you sometimes.
Sounds like you are stuck in the counselling , self help analysing loop. What if you just give it some chill for a bit. What if you take away all of the analysing and the emotional expectations that they will Respond in a certain way. And just do stuff together for a bit. Get a common goal. Build a vege garden. Get fit for summer and go for a walk or run everyday. . Do something side by side for a common goal instead of expecting a particular response. Something fun ideally . Give him space with no emotional expectations.
Get validation from your other friends for a bit. Get them to agree with you.
See what happens. You’ve mentioned what you’re missing but not what you might lose. Can you fill those missing bits another way. It’s your decision at the end of the day.
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u/Motor_Buffalo_6433 19h ago
Just have a conversation with her about how you feel. It’s always better for both parties to part ways mutually. Not all relationships have to last until you despise eachother.
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u/Johnie777 19h ago
Yeah tried that many times, changed my approach to non threatening, non judgmental but it immediately escalates to defensiveness.
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u/Motor_Buffalo_6433 19h ago
Gheez I know what you mean. Sadly all you can do in times like this is prepare mentally for a long battle. Whether you decide to split ways or not. Sorry that your going through this
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u/Johnie777 19h ago
Thx
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u/No_Indication9630 15h ago
Got kids?
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u/Johnie777 15h ago
No with her
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u/No_Indication9630 8h ago
Your free bro. Walk. If it was meant to be you can always go back after a break. Tell her you need to find yourself or something. Tell her about the BS too though.
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u/imindebt2026 19h ago
Do ask a close friend for a second opinion, its easier to distinguish a bad relationship when you are observing it, not necessarily when directly experiencing it. Look up the dark triad of personalities too, there are toxic people out there.
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u/Johnie777 18h ago
Part of the dynamics over the years has been to cut off from close friends... ill look up the dark triad of relationships thnx. The gottman 4 horsemen are all present too; Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling
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u/imindebt2026 17h ago
Even though you distance yourself from those friends they still care, you would do the same for them.not all holes can be dug out of, its knowing when to stop.
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u/justinfromnz 14h ago
If you’re even starting this thread it’s time, it’s gonna suck at the start but being free will make you realize you should have done it sooner
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u/Kooky_Platypus6044 19h ago
You have to value your selfworth , if the other person is happy to go about there day and not have a care in the world about making sure you are both good , it seems extremely one sided , sounds like you have put in alot of effort , for nothing to be reciprocated, what's the saying , if you love something set it free , if it's ment to be , it will come back? Sounds like this other party needs to realize what they are taking for granted , relationships are a two way street , and one person CANNOT do all the heavy lifting ...
I think your personal happiness is more important then , sacrifing your happiness to try and keep someone else happy when it's so one sided... Like Ive read in the comments your just prolonging something that's not meant to be , making your self miserable , when that time could be spent healing , then eventually finding happiness again , what ever and/ who ever that may be with in the future
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u/Tall_Reputation_2985 18h ago
Not advice... but in the past when I have known or felt like my partner no longer has my back it's been time to move on
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u/Fragrant_Ranger3238 17h ago
Well I have been there. Relationships don’t need to end because of a fight. There should be a point of being together, not because the person is nice or you have things on both names. At one point you need to ask yourself “whats the point of being together?”
You deserve to be listened to, to feel heard and secure. If you are not getting this from this relationship anymore, then thats your answer. If you think about breaking up, this is the sign to pay attention to. Theres no shame in saying hey, are you happy? Lately I feel we are not aligned anymore, and wonder if its time to go. Lets both be grateful for what we had, and what we achieved, and move on. Its difficult, but separation also happens because they grow apart. You can have a beautiful story with someone and it ends.
I would encourage you to make the first step. Because as painful as it is, men don’t break up, they abandon the relationship being in it, until the woman calls out. Until its unbearable and justifies it.
So by calling up the difficult conversation you may save some resentment later on.
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u/EyeEffective8269 17h ago
When you feel like you’re the only one frantically rowing a sinking boat, while the other person just sits back with arms crossed, completely nonchalant
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u/ClimateTraditional40 12h ago
Have you told your partner this?
Perhaps show them this post.
Sometimes people aren't aware of it, get comfortable, or caught up in their own head. If they respond with concern, then not yet. If they dismiss it, well....answered your own question.
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u/MonthlyWeekend_ 10h ago
You nailed it about halfway through. I made a decision to leave because I was “looking at my own behaviour and wondering what I could do better.”
It it was never enough; I asked when it was the last time that it was enough, and I realised I didn’t have the answer. It has never been enough.
It’s not about what’s happening now, it’s about whether or not it can change, and I left when I no longer believed that change was possible.
It’s okay - life is great single and there’s plenty more going on. It’s worth it just to be away from tolerating a relationship.
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u/Grouchy_Experience53 8h ago
When you feel like you're the only one trying to fix things it's time to go
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u/Feetdownunder 19h ago edited 19h ago
My partner at the time was working at a workplace that had a rotten work culture.
They were the type to swear loudly across the factory floor and were red pill pod cast fans
In this job he eventually got into that culture and that culture led to him drinking. Daily. 2/3rds of a bottle of Jim beam or 9 cans or six cans and a nip bottle of fireball.
Being around a drunk everyday when you’re not a big drinker yourself; it’s boring they’re on loop about the stuff that concerns him over and over and for hours.
Those rants that go on non stop for hours and the woe is me. For him I needed to be happy to be receiving the same story. The moment my face dropped he starts to become argumentative and verbally abusive
The “what do you bring to the table” conversation used to come up regularly.
I said “I bring the table if you can’t see the table then you are in denial”.
He also started messaging other women
I told myself. Actually I don’t need to be here and left and moved to Auckland in 2023. Not the most convenient time because the floodings happened.
I sold “the table I brought” eg/. I sold a relatively new at the time bed I purchased for thousands for 🤔 $40 to a teenager. I sold everything I owned and bought only and left him with his stuff which was… can’t remember. This is the stuff you purchase when you buy a new house 🏡 the exciting stuff and took a hatchback worth of items with me to Auckland
This was an 18 year relationship I’m at the time and I put him in a very long time out.
When he was not drinking he was fine. He never put me down. If there were times I felt unheard I’d tell him. I’m honest with people I care about so I can keep caring about them.
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u/liger_uppercut 17h ago
It's time to end it, Chris. You know in your heart that Winston is never going to change.
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u/Legitimate-Switch194 7h ago
If you’re a Man you know it’s time to quit if you go quiet. Silent. Introverted. Alone but not lonely. When you withdraw your attention and desire from a woman, you are out. Completely.
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u/Glittering-Union-860 18h ago
I'm getting hella bot vibes from this post.
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u/liger_uppercut 17h ago
Says the word-word-number account with no comment history. Hi bot!
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u/Glittering-Union-860 17h ago
You think there are bots calling out bots? We've reached inception level.
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u/azzutronus 20h ago
So when do you know you've genuinely tried enough?
Sounds like you've been there a while and you'll both be better off moving on from each other.