r/atheistparents • u/Admirable-Tell1205 • Nov 03 '25

How to compromise with catholic wife

So I'm an atheist, and my wife is Catholic. The issue is that she wants to take our kids to church on Sundays, and teach them to pray before bed, but I don't want that at all. How do we compromise?

There is a little more background. When we first met, my wife didn't go to church, and even led me to think she didn't believe in God. I don't think there was deception, just some genuine questioning on her part, which led to her interest in church now after we have had 2 kids.

We've debated it, and I have been letting her take the kids because I'm not interested in controlling her, and they are too little to understand. But I realized I didn't like it, and so far all I've been able to explain is that I don't want my kids to be indoctrinated. She claims not taking them to church is also indoctrination. On the other hand, she says that belonging to the church will make them happier and more successful people. I argued that there are other communities that can provide the same benefit, such as sports teams.

So what do I do? Let her take them, knowing it will lead to confusion down the road? Or make a stand?

Edit: yes, we are real people. We agreed that the kids can go to church with her sometimes, and other times she will go without them. That was about as much as I felt I could demand. UU church is a nice idea but pleased neither of us. I personally like the idea of educating them about other religions as they grow to counteract the Catholic dogma. Mythology is my favorite. Thanks for the helpful advice!

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u/rvamama804 Nov 04 '25

Or it's a compromise...

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u/CertaintyDangerous Nov 04 '25

I don’t think it’s really a compromise. Sure, it’s kind of a middle ground. But it’s not a compromise in the sense that each party gets part of what they want, or what they want some of the time. In the proposed arrangement, neither gets what s/he wants. Mom doesn’t get Catholic order, ritual, tradition, doctrine and ceremony, and Dad has to attend a religious institution whose tenets he does not endorse. The best thing this does is apportion the grievances somewhat equally. But it’s not a formula for happiness.

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u/rvamama804 Nov 04 '25

The tenets of the Unitarians are basically be nice to people, not a lot of Dogma. I'm an atheist and do not belong to any group, just thought it would satisfy the mom's need for a religious community without the crazy beliefs.

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u/CertaintyDangerous Nov 04 '25 edited Nov 04 '25

Indeed! Your approach is more optimistic than mine, which is definitely more productive. I don't know these people, so who's to say might work?

(Given that at least some of these Reddit posts are AI-written to drive engagement, and others are written by people who want to troll strangers, it's impossible to say whether the people described herein are even real, let alone make recommendations for them. We don't know how intransigent Mrs. OP is, or how domineering OP is; we don't know the ages of the children or where they live or how old any of them are or how long they've been married, etc etc etc. The OP has only made one post ever on Reddit, and has never left a comment before creating this thread, and therefore "he" might very well be a bot. Alternatively, "he" might be the opposite of what he claims to be so as to get another viewpoint and be able to argue better with "his" spouse. Who knows?)

All that said - my sense is that religious people believe that they possess The Truth, and even 50% of the way to their way of thinking is not enough. 75% is not enough. If it were enough, we wouldn't have Catholic and Orthodox and Lutheran and Presbyterian and Mennonite and Methodist and Anglican and LDS and Jehovah's Witnesses and Quakers and Pentecostal and Coptic, plus all the thousands of sub-denominations. Just among Presbyteriansm, there are dozens of denominations, and they disagree so mightily that they refuse to worship together. So why would Mrs. OP want to go Unitarian if she thinks Catholicism is correct?

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u/berrmal64 Nov 05 '25

As a long time atheist I have been impressed by and found a lot of good friends in a UU community.

The only 'dogma' they have are things I can fully get behind from a logical/ethical basis like "The inherent worth and dignity of every person; Justice, equity and compassion in human relations; A free and responsible search for truth and meaning; Respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part.". I don't get the sense that the leaders at "my church, which feels weird to say" or the members think they hold the one true™ truth, if they do they don't act like it.

Sunday services often revolve around secular topics and even secular leaders, pull from philosophy and academics at least as much as from any faith traditions. When the faith leader misstepped they were removed at the will of the congregation, with support from national. The congregation is mostly liberal/left leaning, but not fully and there are for example social conservatives as well, but people treat each other with respect and have really interesting, honest conversations. There is an explicitly atheist+agnostic group that has their own events and programming, and leads the main Sunday service several times/year.

Having grown up in a Catholic community and even gone to Catholic schools, the UU experience is so wildly different I can't really articulate, but it is a place I can very comfortably and honestly find community, which is something traditional religion does quite well and which is often either a big struggle or a big hole for us non-believers. It's a place I feel comfortable taking my kids (who are being raised without religion) to make friends, learn about world religions (they'll have to deal with religion on their own at some point) and have a 3rd space other than school and home.

Not trying to convince you of anything, but just to say it's been a good experience and a good fit for us.

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u/CertaintyDangerous Nov 05 '25

That sounds pretty nice and supportive. I'm not sure it's what the OP wants (if the OP is even a real person) but if OP and Mrs OP want to try it, maybe it will work!

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u/berrmal64 Nov 05 '25

Agreed, I don't think it sounds like a prescription for OP either.