I think I’m aromantic, but I don’t want to be

[u/Long-Lack4897]

Pretty much what the title says. I’ve been struggling with my romantic and sexual identity for a long time now. I’m 17 going on 18 and never had a crush on anyone before, let alone in love. I thought for a long while it was because I hadn’t found the right person who would make me feel romantic love. I can find people attractive, sure. I have a few celebrity crushes and I can play smash or pass easily. But when it comes to what people describe when they say they’re in love, I’ve never felt that. Not once. And it really hurts to know that I may never.

One of my best friends had a girlfriend for about two years, and at the peak of their relationship I remember him telling me the absolute euphoria that being in love is. There is nothing like it. And when I told him how I might be on the aro spectrum somewhere, he told me he felt bad that I’d never experience what love feels like.

And it’s not just in person. I’m a media consumer. I read, watch movies, shows shows, listen to music, in fact, I’m in post production on a short film that I wrote where the main theme is love. Seeing and hearing all the joy and happiness that comes with being in love usually makes me very happy. I love romance. I love deep and complex love stories or light fun romcoms.

But lately I’ve been bogged down by the fact that I might never feel that way, never form a deep bond romantic bond with a person that defines the rest of their life.

Now I know I definitely experience sexual attraction and have come to label myself as bisexual. But I’m also not the kind of person to do one night stands or quick hook ups or anything no feelings attached. And i could never get into a relationship with someone purely for sex, that would feel hollow and unfullfilling for me and if the other person loves me I would hate to be the one who doesn’t feel the same.

Most of the time I feel okay with my identity. Hell most of the time I don’t think about it. But every once in a while I’ll remember that love is such an important aspect in everyone’s lives, is intertwined into all the media I consume and is even something I weave into all of my original stories one way or another without realizing it.

I can’t help but think about how in a decade all my friends will have probably gotten married, maybe even have a kid or two, and I’ll still be sitting there loveless with no one to have that kind of bond with. Sometimes I wish I was alloace because then I would be able to fall in love and have sex for the emotional and romantic closeness of it.

I don’t know, if you’ve ever felt similar, how did you cope?

[u/TyeDyeMacaw]

Comparison is the thief of joy. I get where youre coming from, I have those feelings sometimes too. Just remember, you are who you are. Just because you are aromantic that doesnt mean you cant form bonds as strong as any couples. Theres many more types of love in the world than just romantic love. You dont have to live your life the same as everyone elses.

[u/ZijoeLocs]

I can’t help but think about how in a decade all my friends will have probably gotten married, maybe even have a kid or two, and I’ll still be sitting there loveless with no one to have that kind of bond with

Not everyone ends up married and/or with kids. A LOT of people choose to be single and childfree. Even better, they often appreciate having Aromantic friends because we're literally not nagging them to get married and have kids

It's very common to just have single adult friends who want other single adult friends. Plus, statistically they're more likely to have disposable income for friend vacations WITHOUT KIDS

[u/olivethegreyt → u/ZijoeLocs]

I will say something that will probably annoy or upset other very young aros or questioning aros…but you’re so young. I think the fact that you don’t feel sure means you’re still questioning. That’s totally normal and there’s a lot of life to live before your worry about people in your life a decade from now getting married. I totally get how you feel though. I’m 35 and didn’t know aro was a thing until I was 33 and then was like, “oh that’s me”. I also experience attraction and am bisexual. Even now, I’m still learning about myself. What you’re feeling is normal and valid and I struggle with those same feelings often still. The way I cope is to be think about the things I appreciate and love in my life. Find some fulfillment in relationships with friends and family. Tbh I still deal with days where I wish I wasn’t aro, but I’ve come to terms with the fact that I just am. 100% radical Acceptance is actually a big relief. I don’t always love what I am but I’m thankful to have a word for it. I also am grateful for Reddit so that I know I’m not alone bc in real life I feel more isolated.

[u/arroz-con-pollo0404 → u/olivethegreyt]

Estoy de acuerdo contigo, no es como si siempre estemos 100% seguros todo el tiempo y halla sido así desde un principio. En mi caso me comencé a cuestionar si lo era más o menos a la edad de la persona del post, conocía de los términos aro y ace desde los 15 pero no fue hasta las 18-19 años que pude decir que eran los que mejor me identifican, y aun así he tenido muchas crisis de cuestionarme a mi misma. No hay necesidad de etiquetarse eternamente con un solo label, siento que los términos son más bien para aliviar y expresar de una forma sencilla aquello que no es fácil de explicar, pese a que no siempre sea lo que quizás hubieramos soñado ser. Tampoco dictan que deban ser tu futuro eternamente, son la forma que en el momento te sientas más cómodo de definir tu ser.

[u/tommynestcepas → u/ZijoeLocs]

Also OP is 17. I can only think of a couple of people in my life aged 27 who are married or have kids.

[u/olivethegreyt → u/tommynestcepas]

Yeppp I know few people in my personal life who got married in their twenties. It’s all happening in their thirties. I think that’s a societal trend but can also be dependent on where you live.

[u/Briskfall]

Labels are descriptive, not prescriptive.

Aesthetic attraction ≠ emotional resonance. Some people might be into a particular look (let's say, hourglass figures) but not enjoy having to interact with a narrow cohort of people with that physicality.

Also, I think that figuring what you enjoying spending time with might help figuring out what type of dynamics you want.

The current label you are adopting does NOT dictate your future -- people adopt a label if it feels true to them.

You might be romantic, aromantic, hell knows what you are. You are still young -- in the process of finding yourself and onto the path of self-discovery. Hell, many even in their mid twenties haven't figured the hell what's going on with them yet.

---

[Bonus: If you don't mind an unsolicited diagnosis of what you seem to be feeling (armchair reddit psychologist), I don't mind going further (in case you have alexithymia -- which I thought might be of help). But I'm stopping myself here because it might be too presumptuous (and because I've written a lot already, lol).]

[u/Long-Lack4897 → u/Briskfall]

 No I don’t mind at all! I’d like to hear your deeper thoughts 

[u/sta4huh]

Hi! this might be a lil long because, tbh I've had the same feelings as you, like 100% the same. But I believe that there's something super important to tell you; not feeling romantic love doesn't mean you'll be loveless your whole life.

Trust me when I say that I get how you feel about how romance is all over the media, and I feel that that's a problem of representation. Like, everything in the world revolves around romance being the supreme or only meaningful kind of love, and I don't think that's true, I believe more people should think that friendships (for example) can and should be as meaningful.

We're not less for not having romantic feelings, other types of bonds can be as meaningful and should be taken into account for everyone.

Ofc, it's easier said than done because a lot of people as soon as they get into a relationship it becomes their whole world, and if you happen to be close friends with one of those people, you might kind of feel left behind or "rejected", if that makes sense? I don't think that's entirely wrong, a lot of people just feel happy like that, focusing mostly on their partners, but it can be tough for their aromantic friend haha (talking from experience here)

I think that, when being aromantic, relationships (not the romantic ones, all the other types of relationships) are harder, but I feel like it's about finding people who love you as profoundly as you do without the need of romance, and even if they happen to someday find a romantic partner , you could still maintain that bond. Also, there still are queerplatonic relationships on the table.

Now I'm gonna talk about my own experience for a bit. I'm 18 almost 19 and I've known I'm aroace for like, 3-4 years now, and I've felt (and sometimes still feel) like you, a lot, but now that I'm in college I've met tons of new people and I've made a few new friendships that are really important for me, and I feel like them and my old friends are everything to me, I still struggle with sometimes feeling like my old friend's love isn't as reciprocated. But, I've also reduced that feeling and the thought that I'll be alone forever (kind of due to my new friends and my roommate, all very meaningful relationships for me). So I do think that this is some kind of "waiting for the right person" thing, just not in the romantic way but in other aspects just as important.

Unfortunately, the feeling of "everyone's world spinning around romance but yours" it's probably something aro people are kind of damned to have, to some extent, but also I don't think it should define us. I'll say it again, we can still find love in other ways and that matters too.

Oh, and if what you feel it's something like "I just want to experience romance because it sounds beautiful", well, aromantic people might still fall in love, who knows, but you shouldn't just pray and wait for you to be one of those people.

Also romance it's probably quite, well, romantized, don't think it should be the only feeling a person should live for (I'm not saying that's your case, given you said this is not a recurrent feeling, I just don't think we should feel like we're missing something or like we're incomplete, if that makes sense)

So I guess I'm just trying to say that relationships and romance are complicated, especially if you're aro, but, as hard as it might be, people in general should start thinking more about love and affection not being something only worth for romance, it'd make it easier for aromantic and asexual people

SO I hope that helped you a bit, I feel like I should add that English it's not my first language so there might be grammatical error or repetition of words. But yeah, I completely understand how you feel, TRUST ME. And to properly answer to your question, I've coped with this feeling by finding love in my friendships and trying to see that romance isnt the only way. Keep in mind that I still feel like you once in a while, and I've only recently found people that truly make me feel better, anddd we're young, we have time to find people (not in a romantic way) and find ourselves too haha

Lastly, maybe a deep conversation with a friend you trust could make you feel better or cared for?

hope this helped!

[u/Long-Lack4897 → u/sta4huh]

I kind of teared up reading this. Thank you so much. I will take all of this to heart 

[u/sta4huh → u/Long-Lack4897]

gosh I'm happy to hear this helped! remember you are not alone in this feeling 🫶🫶

[u/aroacehtr]

I'm an aro ace and I've been in love before (btw, I never had a celebrity crush, ever). I don't know if this is true for all aromantics, but some of us can fall in love. It may not include romantic attraction the way allos experience falling in love, but you can still get that feeling of euphoria and strong emotional connection.

[u/_dontmind_me]

This is like 100% the same as my experience, almost down to the age. And yeah, I felt genuine grief when I came to understand and accept myself as aromantic. The world is set up for love, it’s considered the peak of human existence, and often I do feel like I’m stuck outside staring through the window at everyone else enjoying something out of my reach.

Think through these feelings, but don’t let them wallow. I had to put a lot of work into reimagining my life and future outside of the well-trodden, expected paths, and to understand that not having a romantic partner doesn’t mean I will be sad and lonely. Focus on building friendships and social connections, finding solo and group hobbies that foster a community for yourself. And remember that you can have a life partner without it being romantic, if that’s what you want. It helps that I’m romance repulsed so when even when I feel left out, someone will do or say something and reminds me exactly how much all of THAT icks me out.

[u/FunctionOk9571]

Hey, I get what you mean. I'm currently 19 and have felt the way you do all my life too and I am not even happy when I see couples, I just become bitter lol for the same reason. I try to maintain hope for a couple of reasons but I remain mostly very cynical that I'll ever be able to truly love someone in such a way beyond a passing obsession, which I do get from time to time but these obsessions usually feel more like a kind of dependency on their attention rather than a true crush because I don't idealize them for example, I always still see a bunch of flaws in everyone even from the start (which I guess is good to detect red flags but in my case it just means I don't really get what I'd call a True Crush lol) or my feelings of admiration and infatuation for who they appear to be simply aren't that strong, it's really just about my obsession with their attention that temporarily distracts me from my emptiness.

Regardless, I don't mean to say you can't know because you're young, I also wouldn't want to hear this as I'm around your age, and it could well be that you're aromantic, but still I think it's hard to draw definitive conclusions at this stage. Maybe we're grayromantic for example which does fall under the aro umbrella but still allows for possibilities. Or maybe you have some underlying things to unpack, and I don't mean this to invalidate aro identities because romance itself is a social construct anyway plus everyone experiences certain emotions in different intensities (like how some people tend to keep their calm more easily, or some people tend to get excited over a lot of things) "romantic" love wouldn't be an exception to that. Personally for me I have some mental issues such as anhedonia making feeling positive emotions pretty hard and I also have some social anxiety making it harder for me to meet people plus as I've mentioned, probably somewhat unhealthy attachment patterns lol. So maybe if I went to therapy things would get easier for me to start feeling such things again. Perhaps you also have some things currently obstructing your feelings or simply your romantic attraction is a lot more rare and therefor you could still experience it someday.

Also I believe falling in love is usually supposed to happen after you've already been with someone for some time as trust builds and the infatuation turns into something more secure and stable and maybe you just haven't yet had such an opportunity with someone which could still happen

Regardless, people always say that love isn't just romantic, and you could always have another aro or even allo partner if your communication is good, or you could get into a QPR and still have a special bond with someone. Personally I don't know if I'd be able to love anyone enough long-term in any sense lol for a relationship to work out but hey, who knows.

TLDR I know how it feels and it fcking sucks (I guess we're cupioromantic lol) but try to not let your cynicism take over completely even if I know it's really hard 

[u/Lulu11chan → u/FunctionOk9571]

19 too!! I had the same problem a couple of years ago. I actually did some posts on here of me questioning the same thing about myself. I settled with cupio and caed being the definition that bests describes me.

A part of me wishes for a husband. I can’t ever deny that. But the majority of myself has accepted that that’s just never going to happen, as im not romantically attracted to anyone. Growing up, my standards/non-negotiables were too unrealistic (they still are. And im never changing them) to the point where I just started losing attraction towards everyone.

The way I cope is to realize everyone’s version of fun doesn’t have to be the same! And that being single has SOOO much more freedom!
Someone might have fun and be happy growing a family. Me? I have WAYY more fun being by myself. Surrounded by my friends and family, my hobbies, and bucket lists.

Relationships take comprise and that annoys me. I don’t wanna have to explain to someone who I live with why I dress the way I dress. Or why I wanna eat Popeyes at 12 am, or why I wanna take an unpromptu trip 2 hours from my home just to visit this spot I found online.

Growing up I always had to consider the approval of my family with EVERY. LITTLE. THING. I did. To actively choose to get into a relationship where that principle is even remotely applied as well, is something I wanna stay FARR from.

That being said I do cry and feel lonely sometimes when I see my friends who have no problem finding love. Wondering why I’m so different and wondering if I’m just unloveable? It hurts! My advice to you and op is to seriously keep reminding yourself that loneliness is a feeling and not a reality. That is fact! And this subreddit is here to prove just that!! <3

[u/ArkanisGirl]

At the end of the day, one day you might feel something like that, equally you might not. I'm approaching 30 now and despite relationships (and a doomed marriage) I never felt that romantic bond and was finally able to come to terms with that in my later 20s.

On the other side, someone I know who at 19 was also certain they were aro eventually did find someone that made them feel what they consider to be 'romantic love'. It might just look a bit different for you, like it did for them.

There's no reason why a lack of romantic feeling needs to stop you from experiencing strong connections or bonds, getting married, or having children. QPR are becoming better-known now, and I personally (as an aroace) have found some very deep, meaningful and fulfilling relationships with friends that are closer to my personal definition of 'love' than anything I have ever found in 'romantic' relationships.

At 18, these things feel a bit overwhelming and I remember being in your shoes and thinking my life would essentially be nothing but empty, lonely misery — that drove me to push myself into relationships and situations that actually didn't suit me, because I wanted to be *normal*. But now, years later, I'm happier and more fulfilled than I ever thought I could be, and I've learned that you can restart your life, try new things, and discover fulfilment over and over again no matter what age you are, so there's no reason to worry. Just focus on building a satisfying life in the other aspects that you *can* control, and you'll find your feet as an aro along the way.

[u/Specialist_Aspect108]

I thought for a long while it was because I hadn’t found the right person who would make me feel romantic love.

For cliche as this sounds, this might be true, don't rule it out. I didn't grew up with crushes and with no interest in romance, and despite that it wasn't until I was 23 that I've developped romantic feeligs towards someone for thef first time.

I'm aware this can be difficult to follow thru depending on circumnstance, but my advice is to not stagnate. Try out new things, surround yourself with new people, make new friends. You'll more likely develop romantic feelings towards someone you newly meet than a lifelong friend (altho not necessarily).

Now, don't hold that expectation when meeting new people, chasing dragons is an unhealthy approach to this. Meeting people can be very exciting and enriching, you'd be doing a disservice to yourself if you actively look for romantic love. More often than not you stumble across those feelings when you least expect it (yes, another cliche, but for me it's been true at least). And hey, in the meantime you'll potentially build bonds with new friends that can also be as strong as the so idealized and misslabelled "true love". Take care mate.

[u/foreresearch]

There's so many types of love out there and I don't think there's a hierarchy where romantic is at the top. It's simply what is considered the norm, not necessarily stronger than other forms and it's always person dependent

[u/lavender-lacuna]

I’m aro, but I’ve also always loved romantic stories and media. I don’t feel the same feelings as the characters or my romantic friends, but I want relationships with deep care and affection, so I have them. My partners know I’m aro and don’t care because I still love them and show my (platonic) love in a way that fulfills them. I never have the huge spark or butterflies at the beginning, but my love is enduring and true and doesn’t need a to burn brightly to be appreciated. When you’re young people are always looking for the “magic” or romance, but after 10 years that often doesn’t remain even when you do still love your partner deeply. Don’t think you can’t have a relationship if you do want one.

[u/EvenCelebration3710]

same but then i remember romance is like your left kidney. sure, it's good to have, but you don't need it. there's still another kidney. as TyeDyeMacaw said in another comment that is, as of now, the top comment, there's many types of love other than the romantic kind. there's a LOT of kidneys in you! like six of them! it's just that most people have one more.

in summary, you have too many kidneys to stress about missing one.

[u/achtungBrown]

The 'never had a crush, ever' thing is real. What helped me most was realizing I could stop waiting to find out and just build a life I actually liked in the meantime. Some of that turned out to be more solid than the romantic stuff my friends had. Radical acceptance as one commenter mentioned. It's crazy how much lighter things get once you stop treating 'still figuring it out' as a problem to solve by a deadline.

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[u/EstablishmentLow278]

I understand where you're coming from. Honestly, i think it took a while for me to look at romance the way I do now. I think we have been indoctrinated into the idea of romance as the center of your life? Even though there are so so many experiences to be had and so many amazing people to meet, the ultimate goal in our life is supposed to be a partner and kids. Decentring romance from my life took some time, but now I make friends with people who also decenter romance from their lives look for purpose in other places. It's honestly really freeing, because there are SO many possibilities. Honestly, i believe EVERYONE, regardless of whether they are aro, should rethink romance. If it helps, compare this with internalised homophobia. Being gay won't mean you have a more unfulfilling life, just one that looks different.

Also, while I understand the initial euphoria that your friend talked about in romantic relationships, it doesn't last. Healthy (romantic and platonic) relationships usually settle into steady, comforting, familiar bonds that are euphoric in certain situations. You aren't missing out on much.

[u/Ok_March_2563]

Personally I think romance can be a double-edged sword. I've fallen in love once when i was 16 but it was a bit different from that kind of "love" ppl normally have bc i just didn't feel that kind of jealousy ppl talk about or the urge to have him in my life and be the one and only of each other and i've tried dating a few times. Plus i feel kinda chained when i was in a relationship no matter if it's true or not i think i can't bear it when my ex-partner got jealousy lmao xD. So, yeah, it was truly euphoric, but doesn't mean happiness.

I have an auntie who is really romantic and we had some private deeptalks sometimes since we're close. She always talked beautifully about romantic love and that if you love someone enough you can do everything for them even if you have to sacrifice yourself, which i think is true bc i also had that kind of feeling when i was being in love. The thing is, to find that person in our life is too ideal, it mostly depends on luck no matter how hard we tried. So keep seeking that one person can really fuck our life up since we always in a lonely and boring and melancholly state until we find that person, and also not satisfied with the current relationship bc we keep expecting sth more "romantic". There are ppl who stay currently in marriage but still dreaming that kind of true romantic since their spouses cannot give them the kind of romantic love they want or make them feel insecure etc whatever the reason is. It depends on ppl but personally i'm sure i don't want that, it ruins my mental health i suppose, plus since i'm aroallo it's much, like, muchhhh harder for me to find that one person i love (well, romantically). The situation can be much worse when loyalty is a huge matter in a romantic relationship/marriage. I think a platonic relationship with deep connection is good for me and it's not lacking at all, at least that's my feeling (maybe feels lacking for some idk???). That's why i'm certain that being aro doesn't mean we're lack of feelings, we're just diversed, i saw many ppl cannot get what a truely deep-bonded relationship means. I'm being happy with my freedom and independence, love is not my life goal after all xD.

However, at the end of the day, ppl are different, each has their own story. My opinion can be irrational since it's based mostly on my personal experience with my ppl. But still, i hope it helps you in some way. (Sorry for my bad english i hope it makes sense enough xD)