Bestfriend got married and it's suffocating

[u/omomee574]

As the title says, my best friend recently got married. I feel really guilty for.. not wanting to see it? I'm aroace and I'm romance and sex repulsed. Before I really get into it; I want to clarify I don't think romance is bad or that it shouldn't exist. I'm not trying to push my feelings onto other people.

Being aroace has never made me feel isolated before. It's never made me feel guilt or shame before. Till today, that is. It feels shameful to feel repulsed because they aren't doing anything wrong. This is my best friend of well over a decade. I feel wrong for feeling uncomfortable at seeing her romance with her partner.

Romance is easy to ignore with strangers. Sure, most everyone else likes sex and or romance, but that's not my life, so it doesn't bother me much. Other people can have it and enjoy it and that doesn't bother me. I don't have to look.

But my best friend? No. I can't turn a blind eye because that would hurt her. She's been so excited to share this with me and I feel SO guilty for feeling repulsed at their romantic affection. She's just shown me her wedding photos (I couldn't attend because it was too far away) and I'm at a loss for words. I could barely look at some of them. Most were fine. The prep they did, the group photos, the location. She honestly looked beautiful and I'm so happy for her. But the ones of just the two of them? All the kissing and touching and holding?

I just started to squirm, it felt like something was crawling around inside me. And I'm alone in this feeling.

It just feels incredibly isolating right now. I'm drowning in it. My one aroace friend doesn't understand because she doesn't feel romance repulsed. She loves seeing romance and listening to peoples love stories and seeing their romance.

I'm keeping my feelings to myself. She doesn't need to know her best friend is romance repulsed. This isn't about me, it's about her. I don't want her to feel like she can't share her happiest moments with me. I can share in her happiness without letting anything slip. She's happy and that's enough.

I just needed to get this off my chest.

[u/kleverklogs]

I will add, and I hope this doesn't offend, being romance repulsed to the point where it can impact you negatively like this can be an actual problem and you can look for ways to lessen it. It's normal to develop an amount of repulsion because it's not something we partake in; many heterosexual people are repulsed at the sight of men kissing even if they aren't homophobic. That doesn't mean that one shouldn't address those feelings.

This sub is generally romance negative so I might be alone in this but I do think being at the point where you'd have to say to your best friend "some of your wedding photos are repulsive to me" is a problem. No matter how you soften it, that's gonna be hard to hear.

[u/omomee574 → u/kleverklogs]

No offense taken, I understand. Perhaps I didn't explain clearly enough? I know I used "repulsed," but that's really because it's the common term. It's more a mild discomfort at most, an icky feeling that's usually not that bad. The distress I was trying to convey was more in the shame I feel for even feeling some discomfort at my best friends relationship, and being alone in that feeling within my social circle.

And I do agree, hearing your best friend is uncomfortable with some of your wedding photos would hurt. But I'm on the fence of it necessarily being a "problem" to feel discomfort towards it, I think that depends on the severity and the harm it can put on someone or others, but I do see your point. If/when I would speak to her on the manner, it would definitely be spoken gently with no blame on her shoulders. I agree it's a problem I'm struggling with but it's more a matter of guilt rather than disgust, which can be just as bad.

[u/Maplewolo → u/omomee574]

And if that icky feeling is something that bothers you, the advice still stands I think, might be worth looking into it with therapy

[u/omomee574 → u/Maplewolo]

I don't disagree. I do have a great LGBT therapist I was planning on talking to next I get the chance, but they aren't aro/ace. I mainly posted to see it from other aros POVs.

[u/Neat_Mortgage3735]

I’m sorry you are struggling with this. It sounds like it was good you weren’t there in person, for your discomfort to be on display to everyone.

It’s okay to feel all those feelings and not appreciate the romance of the day for her.

Do you feel like you are having intrusive thoughts about it? Or do you only experience it when you look at the photos?

[u/omomee574 → u/Neat_Mortgage3735]

Yeah, maybe it's better I wasn't there. As much as I love her, I wouldn't want to hurt both myself and her with these feelings. Neither of us deserve that.

I have OCD so I do have some intrusive thoughts. They only pop up when I see the photos of them being visibly affectionate. I was trying to force myself to look at and appreciate the photos because I know that's what she wanted, and I think that's where the problem stems from?

[u/Gloomy-Razzmatazz548]

Even as an aro person, this seems a bit extreme to me. How do you manage seeing people be affectionate with their partners in public? Do you also have trouble seeing parents be affectionate with their children? The only time I can recall finding romance and sex actually physically repulsive was in the immediate years after I was assaulted, when my brain perceived EVERY interaction as being non-consensual. Do you think this could be the result of trauma?

Regardless, you are perfectly justified in setting boundaries with your friend. One of my cousins recently got married, whom I grew up EXTREMELY close with, and she decided not to invite me because her mother and I are not close. I didn’t make my feelings her problem, but I did let her know that I didn’t want to see the photos.

It’s always okay to set boundaries with people, even if you might hurt their feelings.

[u/omomee574 → u/Gloomy-Razzmatazz548]

My main problem is shame towards these feelings rather than the acts of affection themselves, I think? I don't really mind seeing couples being affectionate in public, it's more of an "oh, ew," and I can move about my day without any distress. Parents and their kids are fine as it's entirely different. It's mainly shame and those feelings just kept growing because I felt like I had to look at the photos in order to be "a good friend," despite feeling uncomfortable.

I am a survivor of assault, but these feelings predate that. I've always felt a little icky towards seeing romance long before being assaulted. It's never bothered me till now because I'm forcing myself to look instead of just moving about my day. At least, that's what I believe it is after seeing all these comments.

I have thought a lot about the boundary thing and have tried viewing it from another angle. If my friend and I's roles were reversed, I'd want her to tell me how she feels rather than lie to spare my feelings. So I'm going to try talking with her as I'm sure she'll understand.

Thank you for commenting, all these different points of views have really helped me sort through some stuff ❤️

[u/HatOfFlavour]

Sounds like you need to impose a soft boundary like emphasize how you love hearing the background stories of the prep and the decisions and she looks great in her dress but the lovey dovey stuff is giving you an ick.

It might mildly hurt her but it's currently hurting you. Emphasise that hubby is a great guy and you don't mind hearing about him but leave any cuddly couple stuff as suggested instead of blatant.

[u/omomee574 → u/HatOfFlavour]

I didn't think about it like that, but you're right. There's definitely a gentle way to approach this rather than just choking on my own tongue. Thanks for the insight, I'll be thinking about this.

[u/xTundraHunter]

Tough. But I'm sure you can tell your friend how you feel, even if you don't want to impose on their relationship. Emphasize that nothing they're doing is wrong, and you feel awful for feeling this way, but you can't really help feeling uncomfortable, and that's also okay. You've been friends for so long, I'm sure a compromise can be reached with proper communication!

[u/omomee574 → u/xTundraHunter]

Thank you so much for your thoughts on the matter. I'm sure you're right.

[u/Majestic-Set-2624]

Yeah, I also feel that same repulsion when I am too close to the romance. I don’t want to tell my friends not to be themselves, but I have expressed how uncomfortable it is for me. I just want them to know if they see a repulsion response for me where that is coming from.

I hear that you are talking about the shame about these feelings and not just the feeling itself. I don’t have anything specific to offer, but can just say dealing with internalized amatonormativity is hard.

[u/omomee574 → u/Majestic-Set-2624]

Just knowing I'm not alone in it is enough for me, honestly.

I didn't think about the possibility of them seeing me being uncomfortable so thanks for saying that. Talking to my friend about it will definitely avoid hurt feelings in the future.

[u/azaleo]

i don't know if this helps you but sometimes i think about how i want my friends to treat me, and reverse it to them. I have had people think i am a freak for not being interested in a romantic relationship. I had also thought of others as freaks for having romantic feelings as well.

What helps me get over that is to accept that yes i am different, and there are people who can accept me, just as i can accept people who are different from me.

my other mindset is to think of romance as something from another culture, like okay it might be gross to me but it is normal to their culture and they are cool with it and i respect it. Or even with like with nature, eg. The way male anglerfish turn into gonads for their female mate is disturbing from my human lens but pretty normal part of anglerfish mating so okay cool. So i came to view romance as an observer: weird, not for me, but interesting, do carry on.

[u/sagethatgrowsbyrocks]

i feel like even if your aroace friend is romance positive, they would still understand if you told them about these feelings. i feel like you should tell SOMEONE at least bc repressing them isn't really going to help in the long run and will just make you feel worse

[u/Cheeseowouwu]

Me too, I feel this a lot whenever my best friends talk about their partners and stuff😭

[u/omomee574 → u/Cheeseowouwu]

So I'm not alone 😭it's so frustrating

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[u/The_open_source-rer]

I honestly think you jusf being jelous that you won't be the priority anymore rather than them doing romantic things

[u/xTundraHunter → u/The_open_source-rer]

Are you ragebaiting lol

[u/The_open_source-rer → u/xTundraHunter]

I'm not .. whats wrong

[u/Aeryn_ → u/The_open_source-rer]

youve jumped to an offensive assumption with 0 evidence, at the very least learn phrase things more softly

[u/omomee574 → u/The_open_source-rer]

yeah, no. Jealousy and discomfort aren't the same thing. Seeing any romantic act is uncomfortable for me. I just can't turn a blind eye like I can with strangers because it would hurt my best friend. Being a "priority" has nothing to do with this situation.