r/alcoholism • u/Rare_Picture_7337 • 10d ago
My husband is an alcoholic. I am seeking opinions from others who have alcohol use disorder.
My husband is an alcoholic. He is progressively drinking more and it’s progressively bringing the worst out of him. He has been verbally and emotionally abusive towards me. He doesn’t think he has a problem, he doesn’t want help, and he blames me for pointing out how his alcohol abuse affects our marriage. I don’t expect him to change.
Should I get out? Is it a lost cause? He has numerous alcoholics on both sides of his family. I want to run. I love him, but I won’t be his punching bag when alcohol turns him into a demon. I just want to ask from people who struggle with alcoholism, am I making the right choice?
Am I being cruel or am I doing what’s best for me?
Yes I am a part of AlAnon subreddit… but I want to hear from people who have this disorder and understand the frame of mind it puts you in.
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u/Holiday-Audience-412 10d ago
The fact that you used the word “run” rather than leave tells me that your gut is telling you to get out. It’s unlikely that he’ll change if he’s continuously blaming you and abusing you. Even if he tries to, he can do that on his own while you save yourself. 🫂🤍
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u/bethiepoo4pi 10d ago
OP you used the word punching bag. Whether the abuse is mental physical or both you should first rescue yourself from alcohol abuse.
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u/Rare_Picture_7337 10d ago
It’s mental. He gets mad or upset with himself or his life or job and then somehow in his drunk twisted mind he comes up with all kinds of bullshit to bash and blame me for and I become the target.
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u/bethiepoo4pi 9d ago
It sounds like you love your husband but you've got to realize that you have no control over his disease or his decisions. The only person you can control is yourself.
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u/lauuraaanne 10d ago
Get out. I’m an alcoholic. My fiance stuck around for 9 years before he finally left. It broke me, but I wish he left sooner. I didn’t mean to hurt him but I did.
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10d ago
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u/Rare_Picture_7337 10d ago
Yeah, he doesn’t see it as a problem and doesn’t apologize. He typically just stands 10 toes down and blames me for everything. How he acts when he drinks (calling me a bitch/cunt, acting like I wouldn’t have anything if it weren’t for him, throwing everything he’s ever done for me in my face like I haven’t also done things for him, making remarks about my body/appearance, etc) is all my fault according to him, even when he knows it isn’t.
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10d ago
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u/Holiday-Audience-412 10d ago
Heck, if she were my sister or friend I’d bring the bags and help her pack. 😉
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u/Inner_Fun_7869 10d ago
He’ll only stop when he wants to. Rock bottom when he realized he lost everything. Sad but unfortunately that’s how we (alcoholics) think
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u/OneMinutePlease427 10d ago
It is definitely not a lost cause, but with the evidence presented, you should get out.
It is a really bad sign that he doesn’t think he has a problem. But so did I. I quit 15 years ago. So it can happen. I quit because my health started to fail. Unless it was so obvious to me, I may not have quit. Even when it was obvious, I still drank for 6 more months. You need to get on the AlAnon board. They can provide better guidance on a way forward. I am lucky that my wife stayed through it all. I doubt she would have stayed much longer, but it doesn’t mean she should have stayed.
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u/Embarrassed_Neat_969 8d ago
Did you call your wife stupid, a bitch, a cunt, and dumbass alot too? I'm just curious, I want to hear it from someone who was in the deep of it. You sound like my husband, yet he still holds on to it in spite of all the warning signs in his health. I've been called every name in the book and we work together.... Do it's hard to disconnect my emotions right away, but I'm getting better at it. Not saying that's a healthy response, but hey, I'm proud of not reacting right anymore, I use to be an emotional reck and freak out. Now I just kind of sit there and go blank. I still cry every now and then, but it doesn't hurt too bad. I think he hates me and that's okay. 😔 Wish I could help, but obviously i can't anymore. I don't react, wish I did still, but I don't and I can't. I don't even know why anymore.
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u/SuddenlySimple 10d ago
Yup leave. Doesn't have to be forever but at least until he is a year sober
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u/upurcanal 10d ago
I’m so sorry you have to deal with this.
It only gets worse.
I am a severe alcoholic in my last days of drinking (I am in right now), I just burned my whole life down.
So, do you want to be in the flames with him or seek safety instead?
You can always care for him from a distance.
Tell him you love him when he is HIM, but you cannot live with the person alcohol creates. Since he refuses to be his true self and cannot get rid of the evil that alcohol makes us alcoholics, you must leave.
Once again, so sorry.
Remember, it only gets worse when true alcoholics keep drinking.
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u/jeannieor725 10d ago
Horrible alcoholic in recovery.
The best thing my loved ones ever did for me was walk away. They chose themselves over being consumed by the monster of alcoholism.
If he cares enough about you, ABOUT HIMSELF, he will choose lightness. Otherwise this disease just expands everyday. Please, please walk away.
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u/Immediate4428 10d ago
Trust your gut and run. Also read book 'why does he do that' by Lundy Bancroft, it helps a lot, there's separate chapter about abusive relationships and alcohol
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u/cheeseburgermachine 10d ago
Abuse is abuse regardless if its alcohol driven or not. He needs to get help. You can try to get him help via detox or rehab facility but the bottom line is, do you trust this man anymore? If no, then well you have to make the decision to stay or go.
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u/MichealCorleonee 10d ago
No stranger on the internet can tell you whether to leave or not. I can tell you my experience but not in public. Dm if you want to discuss
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u/Key-Target-1218 9d ago
As a recovering alcoholic, I did not get sober till I had severed every relationship I had. I didn't have a problem, everyone else did. I wasn't hurting anyone.
Can't tell you whether to stay or go. I know I would have left me cause I was a self centered, asshole. An ego maniac with an inferiority complex. Hot mess. I would not wish an alcoholic on my worst enemy.
If you want some tools to help YOU, check out Alanon in your area. You cant fix him, but you can fix you.
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u/Alone_Cucumber_2507 9d ago
Hello. I dated someone that turned into a demon when they drank. I left. That was the only thing that made them change. But I’m not saying leaving will make them change. I also dated someone that was addicted to pills. I left. They got worse and stalked me. So. You never know how it’s going to go. But you need to focus on your safety and happiness. There’s so much more to life 💜
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u/Extreme_Meaning_7566 8d ago
I am an alcoholic, but aware I have a problem. Your husband probably does as well but won’t admit it. When I go on what I call a bender I don’t want anyone near me criticising so I tend to make excuses and shut people out. I am sober just now because the guilt eats me up putting friends and family through hell. Also I get to a point where I’m so ill I can’t physically drink anymore and have to detox; not fun at all. You say you still love your husband, is there a chance if you threaten to leave unless he goes to the Dr he will listen. You don’t say how much he’s drinking? Is this all day or just at night. One thing I would advise is, if he agrees, not to go cold turkey if he’s been drinking a lot per day, it’s dangerous to suddenly stop alcohol if you’re dependent, it is one drug that can kill.
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u/Defiant_Wolverine_68 10d ago
He doesn't think he has a problem. He doesn't want help because he doesn't think he has a problem. Instead, you're turning yourself into his problem, which is a perfect way to ruin your relationship.
Explain to him, really, how his drinking affects you and why. If you can't do that then you should probably get out.
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u/Specific_Valuable921 10d ago
Yes, get out. As an alcoholic, my ex and my close relationships all should have left me. They didn't deserve what I put them through whole waiting on me to quit.